Friday, October 31, 2008

Bachlorette Party

Naturally this is an old story...And if you see any pictures on face book...That is NOT me :)

So the Friday before I'm dragged down the aisle to my friends decide to throw me a Bachlorette Party...

By this time in the month, my nerves are shot, I've been updating the guest list daily, barking orders on the phone, running all over Chicago looking for white shoes for the flower girls, & delegating tasks like crazy only to find out they weren't getting done when I wanted them to get done, causing me to spaz out in public.

A mild Bridezilla by my definition *lol*

Our guest list went from a modest 120 to 200+. I mean EVERY ONE RSVPed YES for the wedding! Not only was I shocked because who knew people loved wedding, but more importantly who knew Hubby & I had that many friends/loved ones who wanted to celebrate with us.

I think it was the 5 hour open bar that peaked interest but nonetheless we were surprised.

Even more surprised because the room we reserved held 150 MAX.

So for three weeks we were wheeling & dealing trying to find a way to bring down the numbers. And of course fielding phone calls from people who STILL wanted to come.

At that point I was like "Guys Ebony/Jet/Essence/US Weekly/Chicago Sun Times are NOT coming to cover this wedding. It's a simple damn affair...who do you think I'm marrying...The Prince of Zamunda?!"

So by that Friday I was sooo not interested in going out. I was interested in getting 8 hours of sleep for the 1st time in weeks.

Ok although Hubby & I had a mild spat that day because he didn't pick up my nephew's tux when he picked his tux up. He said he forgot & he'll go back but by that time the place was closed & he was having his bachelor's party that night & I knew he'd be too hung over the next day to be of any use.

Of course he claimed he wouldn't be...which was a lie lol

I'm out once again on the hunt for white shoes. Not an impossible feat in Chicago but it was hard because while I found shoes easily for my niece, I couldn't find any shoes in my cousin's daughter size.

Sad to say the little girl is morbidly obese for her size. I've been telling my cousin feeding her daughter all those fatty high calorie foods isn't good for a child her age but naturally my cousin thinks cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, pizza puffs, and french fries not to mention soda is a great diet for a 2 year old.

We got into the other day because I told her there was no way I should've been buying a size 6 dress for a damn 2 year old!

My other niece is damn near 5 years old and can't even fit a size 6 dress!

It was hard enough finding matching dresses for them because the two girls are so different in size but it was bad enough to tell people for two 2 year old girls...I need a 2T and a 6.

So of course my cousin tried to hit me with that "Tyra Show" bullshit on how she's not trying to limit her daughter's size and everyone isn't meant to be a size 2...yada yada...we're not talking about a 15 year old...we're talking about a damn 2 year old!

So that was a war within itself and I'm trying to find a size 9/10 in little girls to fit her daughter's feet.

I'm clear across town when I get the phone that I need to be dressed and ready by 5:30.

It was close to 5 at that time and I'm at least 30 minutes away from home not to mention I would still have to shower and get dressed.

So that was an argument because I told my girl I was out shopping, wasn't going to break my neck to get home and why call me at the last minute when someone could have called me early in the day.

Basically I got the threat of bodily harm and a dial tone.

So I grabbed up the 1st pair of white shoes and hi-tailed it home.

By 6pm I was ready...Why did these hoes not show up until almost 7:30?!

You know I was tooooooo mad. So that was a bitch fest in front of the house.

Not to mention...I'm hungry as fuck. Haven't eaten anything since the morning.

This later became my downfall.

So I'm begging for them to stop somewhere so I can at least grab a medium fry or something because I saw all the various alcohol bottles in the car and knew what time it was...

Hoes all like we're already late...we'll get you something when we get there.

We get to the hotel, check in and let the games begin.

Everyone wants me to take a shot of this, a shot of that...why you babysitting that drink...drink some of this...pour more of that...

Basically plowing me with liquor.

Truth be told while I can hold my liquor, I don't really like to drink any alcohol straight. I can mix it up with something but drinking too much alcohol straight is a cause for trouble.

And since I was getting hit with so many differnt kinds...ummmm yeah

By the time we stumbled out the hotel to the strip club....I was drunk as fuck.

I really can't tell you much of what happened after we got in the club but the oh so incriminating pictures tell all.

Allegely after they stuffed some pizza AND more drinks in me:

1. The stripper just about did everything but fuck me...I mean I've never seen so much of my bare ass in my life...on camera. I knew I should've worn pants instead of the slinky purple number I wore

2. Various nips shots...including me flashing the crowd

3. Dancing on tables like I'm Paris Hilton...thankfully no crotch shots

4. Chugging alcohol...although my friends at this point tried to stop me because

5. I threw up on the stripper....and we were promptly ushered out

6. I threw up all up and down the street...opened the car while we were on the expressway to throw up more...probably wouldve fell out the car if someone didn't put me in a seat belt

7. Drunkenly cursed out some guys at the gas station...apparently they were laughing at me throwing up **according to friends, I woke up after I passed out mid sentence for the 5th time time and just started cursing out the least my best friend *maid of honor* had the curtesy to wipe the throw up from the corners of my mouth**

8. Begged and pleaded for a subway sandwich only to pass out mid the sandwich.

Tell me why later on that night one of those damn broads ate my damn sandwich?! I vaguely remembered that sandwich so when I woke up the next day I'm like where's my sandwich....Oh G I kinda killed it..I thought you wouldn't remember...I was too hot!

9. Tried to get out the car to go into another club. Thank god for the seat belt I couldn't get loose and then cursed my friends out for not helping me.

I guess at some point after that I passed out for good and wouldn't wake up.

It took all 6 of them to get me out the car and back up to the hotel room because I was knocked out.

I got dubbed Harriet Tubman because at some point I took my shoes off and the bottom of my feet was black *oh yes it's pictures of that too* and one of my friends joked that it looked like I was walking through the Underground Railroad.

So basically I was drunk and passed out before midnight.

They "tried" for an hour to wake me up and when it was clean I wasn't up to it...they left my black ass in the room and finished my bachelorette's bar crawl.

It took me 4 days to shake that alcohol off. I was still hung over Saturday while getting my hair & nails done. I was so weak I had to sit down every 5 minutes. Oh and let's not get on the drunken texts I sent out to various people. Luckily my phone locked and I was too drunk to figure out the password.

Sunday was the wedding and while Hubby & I wasn't drunk, we barely touched any of the food & drinks. Of course a lot of our guests took full advantage of the bar. We drunk water and avoid our paparazzi family members *lol*

Crazy enough...My wedding day was perfect. My only two gripe was we started 15 minutes late. We started at 11:15 instead of 11:00. The florist also was 20 minutes late. She said she'll have my flowers at the place by 9:30, she came almost close to 10. For fake flowers...she did an excellent job. My bouquet was perfect.

Day was perfect **hot as all get out...We quickly took those outside pics and escaped to the inside**, while the food wasn't spectacular, it was delicious. Everyone enjoyed the food & was in love with the cake. I'm sure we threw the bakery a lot of new business.

I thought so much stuff would go bad at the wedding, and although we did have plenty of uninvited guests (no ex boyfriends or girlfriends), some people didn't show up *the main ones begging for an invite by the way*. We had got the list down to like 182...every seat was filled.

Even now I can't find anything wrong. Although I'm dreading the video. His brother *best man* is still editing it for us & he's like...ummm yeah yall have some interesting friends.

Embarrassing speeches aside and the fact the cousin that I can't stand damn near knocked everyone over for the bouquet...including me...We had a great time BUT we were glad when it was over...especially me since I refused slippers for the reception because I was determined to wear those heels for the duration of the day...I was so glad to slide up outta those shoes!!

Word of advice: Bring socks or slippers!

Of course Mom-zilla was grumbling about the people showing up & the amount of left over cake (which I'm not even going to tell how my mama took that cake home and they ate up every single last piece in 1 day....there was like 25 slices of cake left over...all of it gone when I was rudely dragged from the hotel on Monday for some family BS) but Hubby & I saw basically every seat filled and oh well if people didn't show up. We had a blast!

And I am so serious when I say Wedding Night...Hubby & I were knocked out by 8:00pm.

Apparently he passed out in the chair after the 2nd stripper & had to be de-toxed in the shower.

Match made in heaven :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is It Really Almost November?! Dang I'm Late...

Damn it's been so long since I've written...forgotten my own damn password.

Honestly, nothing has been up.

Work has been throwing a serious monkey wrench in my social life.

Especially since I'm working nights because NO ONE will work with the bitch from hell, leaving me to work with her because I can "tolerate" her.

"More like threaten to bust her knee caps in the parking garage so shut the f*ck up talking to me and stay at your station" is more like it.

When I do go out, I find myself checking my phone more & more to see what time it is so I can go home & watch "Toon Disney". I went out a couple of weeks ago and damn near fell asleep in the club.

AFTER flashing the ring about 100 times. I thought a wedding band would repel men, seems like they're attracted to it like moths to light.

One guy had the nerve to get mad talking about "you teasing niggaz by being in the club married & shit. What type of shit is that?"

I mean he had the insulted face & everything. Like I was doing him a disservice or something by being married and out having a good time.

If I didn't pay $10 for a Patron Martini...I would've tossed it in his face. OK if the bouncer wasn't eyeing me, I would've tossed it in his face.

And yes...we later got tossed out the club on something totally unrelated.

I just told him the husband forgot to chain me up in the linen closet & I managed to escape for the evening. I mean I was chained to the stove earlier but he realized he should've glued me to the microwave instead so no one ate dinner that night.

*gasp* Is this what happens when you turn 25? Am I officially too damn old for the club?!

I know I'm not too old to squeeze in my Halloween costume from last year and take to the streets I know that for sure.

Although I'm considering changing my costume. Not because I'm married now **I swear if one more person ask me how is married life...I'm going to bust that person in the eye. We've been dating for SIX years, living in sin together *lol* for THREE...I mean we're not fresh off the block people...and if I have to drag those wedding albums to ONE more place...I'm going to scream!!"** but because it's cold as hell out!

Last year it was a balmy evening so warm I worked up a sweat walking from the car to the club.

This year...Hell it's cold at night!

Not Chicago cold of course...but cold enough!

I already under-dress as it is. I mean short sleeves all year, thin coats & jackets, barely a hat or scarf to be seen in my clothing inventory...but this year I might actually have to buy winter gear.

You already know the Timbs are going to match the coat *lol*

And now since people are eyeing my uterus like it's the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge...I especially have to dress warm *rolls eyes*

You know my grandmother had the nerve to tell me I need to wear a longer coat because my eggs are probably freezing?!

I'm like the only eggs that are freezing are the ones in this bag if you don't let me in the house!

Babies are at least 3-4....10 years off in the future.

I'm not in any hurry to have a baby. I can coo at my friends' kids on face book.

Every since "the big day" (their words, not mine...I'm always like "What Big Day"..."Your Wedding Day silly"..."oh"...goes back to reading magazine") every month without fail...."Are you pregnant yet?"

I mean I'm thinking of taking people to HR for invasion of Uterus Privacy.

It's bad enough...Ok this is really my fault because I was dead ass wrong for coming out in that t shirt but I'm in denial about my weight right now. Thank god for flu season..I'm guaranteed to not only catch it (flu shot or not, I think I'm being injected with water) but I'll lose a cool 10-20 lbs. guarantee *lol*

So Hubby & I found this new soul food spot not to far from the house (oh yeah...we moved again...beginning of October...that's a long story within itself) and I mean food is slamming. Best soul food I've eaten since moving to the DC Metro Area.

Now I'm stuffing my face, of course acquiring a Buddha belly, because I couldn't help myself. Food is, like, my weakness. So I'm struggling to get out the booth, Hubby has to damn near grease me out the booth, and we're leaving.

Why did the cashier stop me & tell me congratulations while looking at my belly?

I look down...belly all poked out, navel ring giving the impression of an outie, I look like I'm at least in my 2ND trimester.

Hubby, showing naturally the humor that kept him around for 6 years, starts laughing.

I snap, "I'm NOT pregnant. I'm just fat" and storm out the door.

OK now it's a big joke but I mean a sista was devastated.

So...back on a diet.

I'm glad I sprung for a good Halloween costume otherwise I'd look like that overfed bunny that just sits lazily in the cage.