Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Why Me...

Damn it’s Tuesday and already it’s hot as f*ck outside! It’s so hot out the Devil was like “Damn, it’s hot as hell!” *snicker* Ok lame but hey I laughed for about five minutes myself at the lameness.

Work was work. I mean I was not thrilled to be back and I was hit with a barrage of “Was it hot in Florida” (Naw hell froze over and started with Florida…F*ck you think?), and “You look darker, did you tan?” (Naw if you press the boil on my ass, my skin get darker. Like the doll I had when I was a shorty that if you raised the arm, the hair sprouted from the middle, not the whole head, but the middle. I always wonder why the middle considering the sides and back were short as hell. *shrugs shoulder* Of course the hair eventually got tangled up and I had to do my “beautician” thing and hack the hair off…But you get the point).

Then one girl had the nerve to come out the side of her mouth with “Did I bring her something”? B*tch did you contribute to my funds? Did you grease my palms? Hell are you family? Are we f*cking? I mean if it’s none of the above then why the hell would I bring you something back? Although if we were just f*cking you’d be lucky if I came back let alone some gifts. *lol* And the killing part was that we’re not even cool like that and she was dead ass serious. And had the nerve to cop an attitude when I gave her that “B*tch Please” look. Black folk are quick to ask what the hell you bought them but let that shoe had been on the other foot. I barely wanted to buy my big ass family some gift let alone some strangers. And my mama had the nerve to talk about, “Brang her some Mickey ears”. Do she know how much them sh*ts cost? I’d make her some ears. Sh*t give me some duct tape, some black velvet and some cardboard. I’d work it out. She better wear that T-Shirt with some pride.

I wanted to go out today but it was too hot even for me to be out. I was sizzling walking down the street. Lotion just sizzling on the skin. I’m walking looking like a melting chocolate popsicle. I was just trying to get home and get in the air conditioner. Lo and behold, I walk into to a blast of heat. My BF decided to open the screen door to get some air and turned our living room into a sauna. Talking ‘bout the cat needed some fresh air. I wanted to smack him and the damn cat. Oh but he had the bedroom nice and chilly though. But had my naptime couch all stuffy and hot. Couldn’t even take my nap like I wanted. I was just shooting daggers at his ass all night.

Then I realized I couldn’t fit into a cute pair of crop shorts I just bought. Like only I can do, I threw away the receipt and the tags because I had no intentions of returning them and I have the very bad habit of throwing receipts away, so I’m stuck with a pair of cute shorts that even I can’t manage to squeeze in. Those bad boys don’t even button up that’s how tight those bad boys are. Shorts stop halfway up the ass. Even that’s too much crack for me to be exposing to the general public and I am Lady of “Butt Crack Showing”. Hey it’s clean! I have on clean drawls. I have a “long crack” as Tyra would say. Besides I refuse to accept that low rises are not for the “heavy bottom”. I knew I should have tried them on (better yet just kept the damn receipts) but I was in a rush and just grabbed a pair without really thinking. And they are so cute so I’m too mad. So not only am I stuck with those, I’m still going to have to go back and buy the same damn pair all over again because those shorts are too cute for me to just walk away from. I might put them bad boys on EBay or something. Hell sell quite a few outfits on EBay. Damn being a Good Samaritan. The Goodwill and Salvation Army has gotten enough come-up from Tenacious. Ima just sell the sh*t on EBay and make me some cheddar. I have an EBay obsession by the way. Don’t let me bid on something and someone top me?! I’m like a fiend, constantly refreshing the screen and then swoop in on the last minute to (sometimes) claim my prize. And I hate when I bid on something, forget it and by the time I get home someone swooped in and got me. To the B*tch who swiped my Baby Phat Dress from me last week—I hope it shrinks in the wash B*tch!

They lucky I’m a Christian otherwise I would get really greasy.


And why did my girl DRAMA call me and tell me some outright foolishness. Hence the name, she’s always in some drama and usually she drags me into it so I don’t hang with her as much because I’m tired of ducking bullets and fists. She loves drama so much, I think she purposely creates some just to have some drama. I mean I am a Drama Queen myself but I am a very conservative D.Q. compared to her.

I hate to put her business out in the street but since she doesn’t know what a blog is, I’m sure she won’t call me angry. Besides this isn’t anything new with her. And my wording is nothing new either.

Now DRAMA, besides her having us screeching out the Westside of Chicago a few times due to some sh*t she done got “us” (never “I” but “US”—Never mind I never know what the hell went down until after we fled to safety and I gotta sleep with one eye open for a few nights) into, is a really nice person. Is that an oxymoron? A nice D.Q? But she is. When she’s not into some sh*t she is a cool person to be around. Funny, really sweet, kind of dinky but she's just a general nice person who makes dumb ass choices. But she has one fatal flaw. And this is what makes me play her super close (keep your “potential” enemies closer).

She sleeps with other women’s boyfriends.

Now I have my personal opinion to women who do silly sh*t like this as well as the dumb ass men who get involved but that’s another topic. Ok since yall dragged my opinion out of me: I just don’t like it. Not because I’m in a relationship. Not because I have had a few guys who were dumb enough to cheat and get caught. But just because I think it’s generally sleazy. Why would you want to sleep with a dude who you know has other p*ssy juice dripping from the penis? Why would you want to kiss a dude who you know is probably going down on another woman? I mean its one thing to know and know. You can have your suspicions but when a guy has another girl that you’re aware about, it just makes it ten times worse?! Think of the diseases!

And besides it never works out. Why would you want a man who you just know is a cheater from day one? Can he just progress into one? Damn already untrustworthy day one into the relationship.

It’s just crazy. I feel that there’s enough d*ck in the world to go around. Why do you need to have another woman’s sloppy seconds? Plus it screams “low self esteem” and “accept anything from anyone”.

No matter how much I tell DRAMA how foul she is, she refuses to listen. Some dumb ass logic, “relationship without the strings” or some other foolishness. So needless to say, I keep an eye on her when my boyfriend is around. I’d hate to have to f*ck her and him up just for “GP”. Just for disrespecting me of course.

But she calls me upset because another girl we know with is sleeping with ”her” man. This broad had the nerve to be insulted! LMAO. I had to cock my head and do the Scooby Doo “Errrrr” noise. Insulted? She’s mad because the girl is breaking “female friendship” code about sleeping with an “ex”. Ex? When did yall go together? Is f*cking the new “We’re In A Relationship” code or something? I didn’t know f*cking meant we went together. I thought it was just f*cking. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

So she calls me all upset and she wanna put her on three way so we can blast her. Yes we. Of course, I told her, “Oh hell naw!” Don’t bring that to me. One dude is a major sleaze ball. He has a stable of women at his beck and call. His poor girlfriend is just going to snap one day and kill everybody. I know it’s hard when you know your man is cheating yet something is keeping you tied to him. I say “B*tch RUN!” The d*ck ain’t that good and he sure ain’t treating you like a Princess so bounce and find a man who can appreciate you. Two did I mention he is a sleaze? He tried to holler at me while he was f*cking DRAMA. A strong slap from yours truly kept his paws to himself. Three the other girl is an “undercover” so I’m not too surprise. Praising the Lawd at sunrise, frolicking with the Devil at sunset. Only time the Devil is behind her is when the next dude hop on for his turn. “Undercovers” think they’re slick but just know someone knows your “secret”. And I know hers well.

Then she hits me with this and I started laughing so hard, I had to hang up on her mid-rant:

She bogus because she know I was still f*cking him and instead of asking, she’s just going to start f*cking him anyways. Talking about she f*cked him Thursday! I f*cked him Thursday! Isn’t that some trifling sh*t? How is he going to f*ck me, her, and his girlfriend all on the same day? She is so foul yo’ ! I just want to spit in her eye for disrespecting me like that…”

^^See the characters that unfortunately latch themselves to me? Damn co-dependent friends! I was just too disgusted. I ain’t an angel. I’ve done a little dirt in my life but I am not grimy. I don’t mess with other women’s men. I flirt and all but as soon as you mention you have a girlfriend, my smile drops and I back away like you just told me you have a bomb in your pocket or something. Besides I am a germ phobic. You gotta damn near scrub yourself raw just for a hug, let alone do anything remotely sexual. That scene from Poetic Justice keeps popping in my head. Eww just nasty. At least she straps up (or so she say…). But you know b*tch can’t take not a sip off my pop. I don’t even want her eating off my plates. I’d beat a b*tch ass. Real quick.

20 minutes later, she called back. I should have let it ring. Had the nerve to twist her mouth up and ask me should she stop messing with dude. You know what I told her. So I don’t even have to say it. So my line beep and I click over. It’s the other girl. How this heff got my number because we’re not even cool like that is a mystery. She wanted to know why DRAMA is tripping? It’s not like she go with dude. Dude approached her. She didn’t even know he was the same dude DRAMA was messing with until after the fact. She also claimed she didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Besides they have been messing around for a minute. And the killing line:

“He’s going to break up with his girlfriend and stop messing with DRAMA and get with me”

And all but demanded that I tell DRAMA to get off his “tip” and stop stalking him.

Dude must have some uranium penis to have females going crazy like that. I’m just going to keep messing with the Bronze, Silver, and Gold in that case. That is the type of penis that does not need to invade Ms. Kitty. It’s probably diseased anyway. He couldn’t hit this with a radioactive suit, industrial strength gloves, and if he had the winning Powerball numbers. Well maybe if the lottery was really big and I didn’t have to split it with anyone…NO…Not even then.

I told her to talk to DRAMA and clicked over to DRAMA and told her the same. I told her I am so out of this and if yall wanna duke it out like two b*tches on a side street over a n*gga that’s dogging both of yall and obviously you’re both too stupid to catch on, then that’s fine.

But keep Tenacious out of this.

I refuse to be the referee on this one. And DRAMA should have learned her lesson from the last time. We’re still not allowed on the West Side. Yes “we’re”. B*tch tricked me with the promise of Popeye’s and I ended up putting some of my track moves to work. Jumping over chain link fences like I’m Flo Jo or something. I mean I have had experience due to running from the police but damn the police don’t give you some go.

And I still have yet to get that Popeye’s.

What’s sad that DRAMA’S drama was the highlight of this boring, hot Tuesday evening.

I knew I should have gone out.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Guess Who's Biz-Ack...

The Tenacious One is back from Sunny Orlando. Lawd it was hot as hell down there. I felt like I was back in slavery times or something. Picking cotton and sh*t for massa under the hot sun. Yeah I woulda been a dead field n*gga. You just wasn't getting me out in the hot sun sweating out ma perm! I’d be on lunch break in the shade talking about, “Ceely…You missed a spot.” It did not get below 90 while we were there except the two times it rained and it dropped to 75, stopped raining, and the temperature went right back up. It was that “Make A Black Person Angry” heat too but blistering heat waves in Chicago have gotten me used to the humidity but damn it was hot!


I had so much fun guys. Yeah I'm a few shades darker, I got a pretty nice tan line, and I bought hella stuff that I really don't need. We left on Thursday morning and landed in Orlando at 9 am. Got a nice 2006 Grand Prix rental from Budget and we was on the go.

What is it with men and asking for direction?

Now the notorious Map Quest said our hotel was just 20 minutes away. Why did it take us an hour and a half? I'm patiently (well patient for me) trying to tell my BF where to go but oh no he knew a "shortcut". How the f*ck do you know a shortcut in a city you have never been to? Long story short, we were almost to Tampa before he decided to turn around and ask for help.

I, of course, was beyond pissed. It was like 85 already, hot as f*ck, air conditioning not doing much nor the blast of hot air from outside, I was hungry and still a little sleepy. Not to mention all the restaurants advertising $3.99 All You Can Eat Buffets were just teasing me. Just taunting me from the road side. Begging for me to come and get kicked out for eating too much. And I’m stuck in the car with Mr. “We Almost There”.

Turns out he was doing the opposite instead of going backwards. The genius decided to print directions from the hotel to the airport and not vice versa. And he's in graduate school for...? Obviously schools have been slacking on that academic tip. So I was just too mad. We laughed about it later but it was a tense hour and a half.

We get to the hotel, unpacked, rest up, and lounge by the pool for a little bit. Of course he can't swim to save his life but it was hilarious watching him bumble around 3 feet of water like it was 7 feet or something. I have been swimming since I was 10 but I let him know I wasn't into any Baywatch roleplay. You'd f*ck around and drown f*cking with me. I ain't saving any body. I will, however, instruct you to "kick yo legs, yo legs" from the side lines. I hated being on lifeguard duty in high school because folks like to panic and drag your ass down with them and then you got to fight to get them off you and then continue to save they asses.

We did not hit Universal or Disney World because 1) they wanted too much damn money and 2) We found out that Disney World is split into 4 Parks and you have to pay to go into each but you can buy a pass for all four for $200. Apiece. I love Disney but not that much. Besides a family that was staying next to us was like it was overrated. Not a lot of rides, hot and crowded. Busch Gardens was an hour away in Tampa but we sure did get souvenirs like we did hit up the parks. There were hella shops down there that sold all these amusement parks sh*t for a fraction of the cost. I mean shirts that were like $8. Now you know they're like $25 at the park. I made a come-up. And don't let me get on the street vendors hawking tickets. They were like everywhere! No matter where you went, the time, or the weather (it pours down two times real bad when we were there. Sparked a few forest fires as well) they were there. Hawking and stalking. Yeah we got a few on film. Yeah we have audio and photos.

Slightly disappointed because of Universal Studios and Disney World was officially out, we found other ways to entertain ourselves. I think my boyfriend was just being lazy because he did not want to walk around in an amusement park with hollering kids, pushy parents and crowds, and he doesn’t really like roller coasters but I did not mind. I wanted to come to Orlando to relax. None of the hustle and bustle of Miami with all the beautiful folks who looks way better in a two piece than me but somewhere where we can chill and be alone. Besides one thing I love about my BF is that he finds things for us to do. Not the typical tourist spots but he tends to find little out the way things for us to do so we won’t be bored. Never a dull moment when I’m with him. Except when we get lost. Then it’s an argument. *lol*

We went Wet N' Wild amusement park, Go Karting, a carnival, and we drove to Cocoa Beach which is an hour away. We relaxed. Went shopping (again). We went to the movies. X-Men was ok. I kinda forgot what happened in the 2nd one but it was straight. They could have emphasized who some of the characters were for all the non-geeks out there but it was pretty decent. Plus $7--"ALL DAY" for the movies. I ain't seen a $7 movie since high school. I was blown. You know our black asses were squinting at the ticket girl like, "Is this a trick? $14 for 2 tickets? What's the catch?" and then we filled out some little survey and got $10 gift certificate to the movies which we spent at the concession stand like two crack fiends.

And the average gas prices were 2.75. I don't know much it was in DC but when we left it was just below the $3 mark.

We did the dinner and dancing thing. Lawd Orlando people get it crunk I guess. Hella drink specials, I didn't pay to get into any of the clubs and one club we went to had free drinks until 11 pm. And they were "dranks" and not "drinks". Sure they seemed to have hella songs on repeat and they fell victim to "Every song outta NY is a dance song" that I see a lot in DC but I had fun. No "One Dance Minimum" because the BF was on bodyguard mode. Start blocking dances left and right. I wasn't mad because seeing soo many gold "teefs" in one mouth was scary as hell. Coming out the dark grinning like the aliens in Aliens. I was like, "Oh my damn!" while running in the opposite direction. We couldn't bring cameras in the place nor was my "rental" phone (Like an idiot I left my Blackberry on the couch so I had all my calls forwarded to my BF's work phone but it did have a camera) camera acting right so I can't show you the hot messes (Sorry Free Agent) up close. But think of Trick Daddy, Mike Jones, Paul Wall, Foxy (with the gut), Khia, and Trina...All with (Bogus) Gold Teefs, bullet holes, unkempt weaves and beards, and breff like some thunder. Yeah it was a lot of popped males and females in the club. They came out the woodworks like it was "Bring Your Ugly Friend to the Club" Night. With 2 for 1 admission. I guess Miami is the home of the beautiful people. There were a lot of decent looking folks though. I thought I saw my husband T.I for a second but dude looked like he had a nice $6.99 All You Can Eat Dinner Buffet meal before he came to the club so I knew it wasn't T.I.

My hair is officially nappy so you know I'm begging for an appointment right now. Well it's not nappy nappy but it's nappy enough. Relaxer is like a smig from being gone. I washed my hair more times in this past week than I have all month. Hey nasty I know but you do not know how much I hate doing my hair. What’s the point in washing it when they’re just going to re-wash it when I get to the shop? For the record, the longest time I have ever gone without washing my hair is 3 weeks. Hey it was a rough finals week! I rocked the Macy Gray fro thing for a while but I realized yet again a natural is just not in my future. I'm not one of those "Don't get my hair wet" girls because when you grow up with bad ass family members, you know that's a done deal. We would purposely throw water on someone's press and curl just so they can go back in the house and suffer at the hands of my mother, her hot comb, and the Blue Magic hair grease. I don’t like rocking braids because then your hair gets that “fuzzy” look and it smells funny because you can’t get to all the crevices and sh*t. Besides it got messed up at the water park and by the time we went to the beach and played in the fishy, salty water, it was a wrap. Ok we played in the water until I felt something bump my leg and since I have an overactive imagination and my TV stays tuned to the Discovery/Animal Planet, I kinda freaked and ran from the water. Of course every Black person followed suit. Hell it coulda been a new species of sharks or a jelly fish or something. I mean maybe they be swimming up in knee length water to f*ck up an unsuspecting person.

*cricket chirps*

What ever yall! A Jellyfish sting is reported to hurt a lot. I saw Jaws! Didn't he roll all the way up the beach to f*ck someone up? Well whatever it was, it wasn't going to get Tenacious! Besides I don't like swimming in anything that I don't know where the bottom is.

Besides the water smelled a little too fishy for my taste. Smelling like the Red Lobster tank and sh*t. Hair smelling like catfish and trout. Besides looking at all the old white men in Speedos was making me sea sick. That was just some nasty sh*t. And it was so much leather skin going around, I was reaching for the sun block. I never understood that. If your skin looks like you have a Wilson's Leather Jacket on, why are you out in the sun? In a string bikini? Looking like a Slim Jim and sh*t. Just nasty. At least majority of the "big" people dressed right. It was a few who decided "What the Hell...Ima rock my two piece anyway" but for the most part, all body parts were properly covered. Except the men who wanted to rock the Speedos. Too much information for me. Just too much.

But I had a lot of fun. I was sad to leave Orlando because that means I'm back to work tomorrow. It was a nice little vacation and it really relaxed me. I'm calm for the next few days. I couldn't even be mad that my boyfriend got us lost numerous times, he got drunk at the club and I had to be the designated driver, and it rained so hard one day I was afraid we were going to crash into something.

Oh yeah I guess lizards are like Orlando's roaches because they were everywhere! Mainly outside the hotel but I spied a few in the lobby just chilling. They were kinda cute although I was kinda grossed out. I'm like, "So you're not even going to attempt to get it off the desk, huh?" but I rather a little lizard than those big ass palmetto bugs I've heard about. I think if I saw one, I would go back to DC. We got the lizards on film too because we thought they were the little gecko lizards and we were making up commercials with the lizards. None top the "Caveman" ones though. My boyfriend wanted to catch one but they were too fast for his ass. Plus one kinda charged at him and he broke his neck trying to get away from it. *lol* He’s so cute when he want to be.

I'll be back to regular posting tomorrow. The computer is fixed. No more crashing. We just had too much junk on the computer and not enough memory so we had to buy some more for the computer. I wanted to post before I left but it took forever to transfer files.

It feels so good to be back!

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Wedding....

Saturday was…interesting.

After dragging my hung over ass out the bed and tended to my niece (How’s that for Aunt of the Year? Hung over yet still attend to the children) and nephew who insisted on candy for breakfast which led to an argument over candy which resulted in a lot of tears over Captain Crunch cereal. Then there was a big family argument over whether or not the children could attend the wedding. My mother wanted them to attend and then drop them off at the babysitter's house for the reception but my brother did not want his (emphasis on his since he kept saying that they were his kids and not my mother's) children to attend the wedding. My mother eventually just gave in with the quote, "Well since these are your kids then I hope you get a job to support your kids!". He went and ssat his ass down somewhere but unfortunately the kids did not attend with us.

I actually ironed clothes for the event. I am not an ironer. Probably because so many of my clothes are “snug” which defeats the purpose of ironing because the wrinkles tend to smooth themselves out and besides I just hate ironing. I chose to rock some white pants (tight in the ass) of course and an off the shoulder shirt, the VS Push Up Bra that perks the breasts up a full cup, and some white accessories and shoes. I was looking fierce. Had the wild sorta Beyonce curly hair thing going. Unintentional but hey I didn’t feel like doing anything to it. I was looking fabulous if you ask me. Besides I didn't bring a lot of hair products with me and I sure wasn't walking 2 blocks to the Beauty Supply Store for some more! At least it wasn't the "After The Club" hair. No weed, cigarette, alcohol, and sweat smell from the mane.

Of course like Black Folks are, the wedding started an hour late. I didn’t actually peep him until the wedding was about to start and after doing a double take (and a quick pat down for weapons) he thanked me for coming. He gave me my props as I look much better than my teenage years and he looked really nice. I am mad that his hair is officially longer than mine but that’s another issue. His son was adorable in his little tux although you can tell he was not thrilled to be in an all-white tux with explicit directions to not run around the church with the rest of the children. Of course I attended the wedding with my mother, grandmother, aunt, and brother and like the family we are, in the church you know we had to roast on the people attending the wedding. I mean that is like mandatory when you step in a church--to roast. You know my mother and grandmother perfected that "talk out the side of your mouth without your lips moving yet manage to greet and roast at the same time" thing that church women tend to do.

Apparently a lot of drama has gone down with the bride and her side of the family because his side of the family was not the nicest. Now you know Black Folks love to gossip and I love to ear hustle so I peeped all the drama as spoken by one of his oldest sisters. All in all, his bride is supposedly a major tramp but you ain’t heard that from me. And when I mean major, I mean legs like 7/11 (open 24/7), trampy. So basically they thought he was dumb for turning a hoe into a housewife but he's family, he's in love, and that's what he wants to do so his side had no choice but to give their approval. Now her bridesmaids were just ghetto as hell. I mean I feel if you’re going to wear a clingy dress, please wear a girdle. I mean more rolls than an all you can eat buffet. Stretch marks, bullet wounds, and "back" fat for days. I mean the dresses were gorgeous but no justice was done to those dresses on those girls. Females just looking beyond popped. And the hairstyles? I saw more gel and weave, tracks, and glitter to last a lifetime. I think it was mandatory to wear tracks or something. I mean a french roll should not require 5 rows of tracks! And I thought fingerwaves went out in the mid 90s? And I just won’t mention the ghetto tattoos especially since one girl felt the need to express her love for her baby daddy with a BIG ASS tattoo over her breasts. Saggy breasts that obviously never met a good strapless bra. And had the nerve to have a little V on the dress to seperate them. Now on the contrary, the groomsmen were the complete opposite. Clean cut, nice hair cuts, pants actually fitted. Very debonair if you ask me. You can kind of tell they were not thrilled to be paired with the Ghetto Bunch, especially since none of them were really that attractive plus each had about two kids apiece. They coming out the back to change diapers and beat asses and sh*t. I'm like, "Damn attend to the Bride!" All of the bride's friends must have forgotten they were attending a wedding…in a church because all were rocking the finest of Club Wear. Just didn’t attempt to dress up at all! I guess throwing on some stilettos with some tie up pants is dressed up.

And no I didn’t trip the bride. My mother made me sit in the middle. *lol* But I did have a “coughing” fit during the ceremony. Must be some type of bug going around or something. *lol* Of course my mother was not amused. She popped my hand for being ignorant as hell but hey I’m sticking to my “sick” story. I did want to trip her through. I don't think it would have been too hard, although I might have gotten jumped shortly after that because the bridesmaids looked like straight thumpers. That dress wasn't going to stop them from beating some asses.

Of course at the reception he slid over to me and told me I wasn’t slick, he knew that was me but I played dumb. Tuh...what does he think I am? Immature? *lol* He almost didn’t want me to come because he thought I would sent it up but I behaved myself although I did want to show my ass and say something ignorant like, “Un Uh you can’t marry her! You know I’m having your baby!” or something like that. He seems to think I have "anger" issues that I need to work out. Now ain't that some sh*t? Even though his nephews and cousins did kind of keep a watchful eye on me.

The reception of course started late and it ended up running out of food. You ain’t gonna tell a Black person they can only have 2 piece of chicken and a scoop of macaroni and cheese! The best part was that there was a free open bar with a ghetto bartender who tended to make you a “drank” and not a “drink” so you know it was hella tipsy people up in there. Free liquor? Please. I mean I had a Bacardi and coke. *lol* You know they had to usher folks off the mike because they started going into drunken rambles that had nothing to do with the bride and groom.

Funny story: Why did his nephew try to hit on me? Now on his father’s side, he’s the youngest of seven and his father was 80+ when he died. Doing the math means he has brothers and sisters who are in their 50s. Hell his nieces and nephews have kids that’s older than him! Now his nephew is 32. A little too bright for my taste but he is cute. He would not leave me alone. Funny then is when we were kids; he was the main one who used to torture me. Throwing water balloons on us, giving us “Indian Burns”, and pounding us into submission…You know the typical torture older kids gave younger ones. But he was all up on a sister. Talking about in three years we’re going to get married. *lol* And yes he was dead ass serious. I guess he refused to read the memo that I have a boyfriend. He even went to my ex for info about me and damn near fell out when he was like, “N*gga that’s Tenacious!” Then I guess he begged for my number from my ex because the next thing you know he's calling me! I was too pissed! What is this about giving out my damn number? I am so glad I am not in Witness Protection or something because it would have long been a wrap for my black ass. So I had to call and leave a somewhat joking/nasty voicemail to the ex about trying to put his family "on" me and sh*t. Especially not Light Bright who threw me in the garbage one year. And not the same Light Bright that used to pull my braids.

So he has been blowing up my phone wanting to know when I’m coming back home and he wants to take me out and all this foolishness. I told him to gone somewhere. I remember that n*gga slapped a cupcake out my hand when I was a shorty. You know Tenacious holds grudges and he f*cked with my meal? He won't give up though.

After the reception and getting away from Light Bright (his childhood nickname from me that he hates), I went home and took a quick nap because I was so tired. Rocking stilettos and strutting around like I’m Divalicious wore me out. You know I had to sashay around to upstage the bride. Oh she was not pleased that I attended her wedding. She had her bridesmaids cutting their eyes at me the entire time and even cutted in between me and Light Bright’s conversation to be all up in our business. So you know me…I had to tell her that why is she threatened by me. Last time I check you stole him from me so doesn’t that make you a better catch? Don’t you have a baby by him? Did he not just put a rock on your finger not even an hour ago? Thus bumping you from “Baby Moms” to “Wife” status? She better gone somewhere. I started to trip her ass at the reception but too may witnesses.

I admit a touch of sadness struck me while watching him at the alter. He looked so happy up there so I couldn’t even hate. Maybe one day that will be me.

So after I woke up, I went out with my favorite alcoholic aunt where we got slizzard out the ass. Got so drunk I damn near missed my flight because I was sleeping so long. Then Light Bright wanted to call me at like 4 am but he obviously lost his mind because he has violated my “Do Not Call After 12a” rule. I forgot you can’t drink a true alkie under the table. I tried and failed. Luckily I made my flight in time although it was delayed for over an hour. I made it back to DC by 3 pm.

AHHH it feels good to be back in DC

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Friday In The Chi

The prodigal child dropped down in Chicago on Friday morning. The night before my manager and I had some words about my time off this weekend as well as the upcoming weekend so you know Monday it is on and popping! But that’s another story…

I landed at 6:30 am at O’Hare and of course I was dead ass tired. Due to my fear of flying I have to be extremely sleepy or drunk to really relax and enjoy my flight. While the flight in-bound was not bumpy, flying doesn’t really sit well with me. And I was sitting on the wing so I’m constantly scanning the wing for dents, missing screws, basically anything that will cause me to pry open the emergency exit and take my chances free falling to earth.

As soon as I landed I called my best friend SIGMA to see what he was doing which was sleep. Usually I sneak into town and just show up at folks’ cribs unannounced but knowing him and his baby mama drama, I didn’t wanna have to wear someone in the middle of the street within an hour of my homecoming. He was “sleep” of course so I decided to head home and see my niece. “Sleep” meaning “I got another girl at the crib so Ima holla at you later when I give her the boot”.

Went home to my niece. Woke her from a sound sleep and basically dubbed her as “my baby”. Oh my gosh yall she is sooo cute! I mean she has a funny looking head (hey she’s family so I can tease her) and she has a funny looking hairline but she is like a HIGH YELLOW me (according to my mother). I don't see it but when I compare pictures, she does resemble me a little bit. But where the hell she get that coloring from? Is she a “Maury” visit in the making? But then again once upon a summer sun in Mississippi my brother was red-bone. Now he's a reformed dark skinned person. Reformed meaning as a kid he was high yellow but too many forced visits with the High Noon sun has toasted his ass. And *gasp* she has “good” hair. Her mama’s gene has finally dominated over that Nappy Hair Gene. Well who knows, I means she’s only 8 weeks so who know how that hair is gonna turn but for now it’s soft and wavy. She was basically glued to my side when I was home although I did get someone for the "poo poo" diaper. I'm sorry but Tenacious doesn't do "doodie" diapers. I was tempted to stash her in my suitcase but then again I am irresponsible and a baby would cut into that 3-5 pm nap time and the boyfriend is not “baby proof” yet so I had to leave her at home. As much I act about kids, deep down I <3 children. When it’s time for me to make that leap, I plan on using the finest of adoption agencies.


I’m still out on actually popping one out myself. I mean I have a figure to consider you know!

Then, as usual, the STALKERS emerged. Only one (out of the usual three) this time and then I sorta acquired a new one on the bus ride home. Some snitch apparently told JDUBB nutty ass I was making a return so while on the Blue Line my phone just started getting blown up. Now Chicago ain’t like the Metro in DC. For the most part, it’s still bootleg but hey it’s familiar to me so I knew my signal was kaput in the tunnel. When I get above ground, I call the number back once again assuming it’s someone I know and want to talk to. It’s his ass. Once again spitting his usual rambles. Of course, I hang up after the 2nd “Bitch” escapes his mouth. He has used up his “Bitch” anytime minutes a long time ago. I get my typical voice mail and he’s just like he’s going to run me over (yet again) when he catches me in the street and I better not come in his part of town because he’s going to get his 15 year old niece to jump me. Why he acts like this, I still am out on that. I mean damn it’s not like I was dishing out the platinum puss back in the day or something. I mean damn! He still acts like we broke up recently or something. Damn SIX YEARS is not enough time to get over someone? I mean someone break it down to me about his issues? Is it abandonment issues? Is he just plain crazy or what? He needs to pray or something. Get thee behind me Satan or something.

Then on the bus this dude named JOEY turned out to be a habitual stalker. Now since I’m back home, it didn’t take me long to revert back to my Chi-Town ways. See in DC I’m usually all nice and bashful about rejecting a dude. Ok well sometimes I gotta get gutter but usually I’m just like “No thanks. I have a boyfriend” and keep it stepping. Most of the guys in DC leave it at that and go about their business. NOT in Chicago. A n*gga is gonna talk the digits out your ass. They ain’t giving up. No matter what you hit them with they have a rebuttal. Of course when you just snap and be like, “Damn N*gga you ugly! That’s why you ain’t getting my number. Hot Breff Ass” you get hit with the “F*ck you B*tch you wasn’t cute no wayz” line. SO you know you gotta hit them back and you got back and forth usually with the threat of “F*cking someone up” thrown in the mix.

Now although I still have a Chicago area code on my cell phone (my family just refuse to invest in a long distance plan) I tell dudes this when they try for the number, you know as a simple way to cop out the conversation. I let them know I live in DC and I’m just home for the weekend. Of course I get the “B*tch you lying” look but usually it works. They won’t call me because they think I’m on game or better yet giving out the infamous “sent off” number. You know n*ggas in the Chi ain’t wasting day time minutes to check to see if the number is real. They wait until they get home and get on the house phone.

But JOEY was a cute little chocolate cutie and you know chocolate is a weakness of mine. But dude was thirsty. As in he called me 10 minutes after he got of the bus thirsty. Over all this weekend dude has blown up my phone with texts and phone calls like 30 times. Even after I explained to him my “3 calls per day” rule, he continued to call. I’m like, “OK this n*gga is a bold one. You will respect the “3 calls” rule”. He was promptly ignore after that but you think a n*gga woulda got a clue or something but he did not. This of course ended in a cursing out.

I went to a function at my cousin’s school. While I don’t like her, I do support her in her academics. Of course JOEY stayed blowing up my phone. So I snuck out the presentation to give him a piece of the sane part of my mind. This fool had the nerve to cop an attitude because I was out and about.

HIM: Where you at?

Me: Excuse me?

HIM: I said where you at? I’ve been calling you all day and you ain’t picking up your phone? I know you ain’t with another nigga…”

Me: Whoa. Whoa the f*ck whoa. Who the hell you talking to? No better yet, am I f*cking you or something? Did you slip into the p*ussy without me knowing or something?

HIM *obviously feeling them big ass balls he have to talk to me like he’s my man or something*: I’m talking to you! Nah we ain’t fucking but you ain’t gonna play me like a nigga on the side street or sumthin’

Me *crazy laugh*: Little boy you must have gotten me sooo f*cked up! Don’t question me like you my man. Last time I checked, I left him in DC. And since obviously you’re not him, I advise you watch how the f*ck you talk to me. Naw bump that. Your wack ass can lose my f*cking number because I am so not on this with you. F*ck you think you are to question me? Do you know who the f*ck I am? I’ll rip that muthaf*cking sharp ass tongue of yours out your f*cking mouth and hang that sh*t to you! Don’t f*cking call me no more!!”


Of course folks were looking at me like I was crazy and of course that didn’t stop him either. *sigh* Why must people test my gangsta? He then sends me a flurry of “I’m Sorry” texts and “Please Call Me”. N*igga you infringing on my texts plan.

The program ends and SIGMA finally get around to calling me. He would come kick it tonight but baby moms found out he was entertaining another girl last night and it’s going to be a long night for him but we made plans to get up Saturday before the wedding.

I go out with my other best friend to a club called Secrets. I never felt so happy to be around “Chicago” music in my life. Of course we did out ritual stop by White Castle’s and Rothschild’s for some quick eats and a 5th. Of course the ghetto birds were out in full effects. B*tch had the nerve to ask me was my hair a weave. Hell naw my hair ain’t a damn weave! Now Secrets is a ghetto ass club. Meaning parking lot pimping is mandatory, at least 3 fights are going to break out (possibly a shooting), the bouncers are reformed prisoners who don’t have a problem with beating a nigga down or putting dudes in a choke hold during “pat down”, and there's more females that look like bust down strippers in the club than anything. Not a natural hair in sight. Weaves all colors of the rainbow. Most didn't know a spandex shirt they can refuse and many just determined to show every single bit of cellulite on their bodies. Stretch marks looking like war wounds and sh*t. Just proudly showing it off like it's a tattoo of womanhood. Ran over shoes and toes were like “the thing”. I felt overdressed compared to a lot of girls in the club who obviously think panties classify as “bottoms”. But I did go in and shake my ass though. We got in VIP which was this big ass space complete with a stage that was like 7 feet off the ground. It was so many people in the area I was afraid someone would fall out the stage, namely me! This girl kept bumping her sweaty ass on me, inching me closer and closer to the edge. I think she was doing it on purpose. But I was on that stage shining though. Shaking the cheeks and everything. Sure all some girls needed was a pole and a garter belt but all in all I had a great time.

Until I got hit on by a lesbian. I’ve been hit on before by lesbians. I don’t know, do I look “lesbian” or something? I mean damn do I look like fair game or something. I am so straight it’s funny. Another woman can’t do sh*t for me but bake a cake and I don’t eat everyone’s cooking. Of course, a patent quote from my grandmother.

I must have left my “I <3s The Penis” membership card in the car.

She would not give up, even going as far as to grind on me. I mean at first I thought she was just making “party small talk” but when she got too close for comfort, I backed off and let her know the deal. She kinda shrugged and went to caress my face. YOU DO NOT TOUCH TENACIOUS FACE! That is likely to get that ass tapped. I have no idea where (or what) them fingers have been into. Hello, I still get acne! I don’t know genital bumps on my face as well. So I walked off and next thing you know this broad has her hand on my waist pulling me toward her.

A hard ass shove solved that problem of course. B*tch stumbled and kinda hopped up like she was about to get gully. I’m already kicking off the shoes like “WHAT”? Of course ghetto bouncer hopped in between us and I told him to get her ass outta here before I have to slice a b*tch. My rowdy best friend wanted to hunt her down but I’m here to party not to fight.

While I don’t have anything against lesbians, please leave me alone. I’m not even on the same book as you let alone the same page. Do you. But please leave Tenacious out of it. The Chicago ones tend to be really aggressive. Like they’re hitting on you whether you’re gay or straight. Like they’re recruiting new members and sh*t. Of course all Chicago lesbians are not like that (so Chi-Town lesbians don’t email me hate mail) but some are on that. Like they just going strong-arm the p*ssy out of me or something. I don’t play that. Only experimenting I do is in the chem. lab and I almost blew that sh*t up sophomore year in High School.

When the club kicks everyone out, we parking lot pimp for a few before the wind chill drove our asses into the car and I went home. It was like 5 am when I made it in. Moms gone to the ‘Boat. She left me a note telling me I better get my ass up in the morning so I can go to the wedding.

Oh yeah…I almost forgot about the wedding…

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Going Back To The Promised Land...

Sorry for the extremely short post but I'm still packing for a 6 am flight to Chicago.

Ahhh..Back to Chicago.

Home of the Mild Sauce, Pizza Puff and Italian Beef (Dipped and with Nacho Cheese...Mmmmm **make Homer slobbering noise**).

It's just a quick visit, I'll be back Sunday choked full of extra long post and sure to be some drama. Someone alerted the calvary that the prodigal daughter is arriving at O'Hare at 6:52 am so you know it's about to go down.

Not to mention the infamous wedding on Saturday.

Not to mention me spoiling yet another child that is not mine.

Not to mention I have to wait until Sunday to see The DaVinci Code. I'm still mad, I mean really was Harrison Ford busy or something. THAT is who I envision not damn Tom "Forrest Gump" Hanks with the weird combover that reminds me of a professor I had my sophomore year. I'm going to see it with the boyfriend although I want to see it Friday with my best friend. Oh well.

KEIFF is coming back strong yall. Now he wants to meet so we can discuss "side issues". Is he stuck on stupid? Yeah aiight. Like I'm going to meet you somewhere ALONE so we can talk about f*cking? Umm no thank you.

CUTIE wanted to chief tonight but I had to cop out. Sorry the night before I leave town to go anywhere I spend it with the boyfriend. Hell as terrified as I am of flying, let me just get a few 'mo of the Big Os in just in case.

I miss home. I am like too geeked to be going back to Chicago. Sure the weather is not as nice right now but still...HOME COOKING! Grandma is already firing up the stove top. Yall know I'm just pigging out when I go home. Well not too much I still gotta wear a swim suit in less than a week. Just a few more days until Orlando. Ima come back all bronze and chocolate like. I told you I'm like a "WG" when it comes to the sun. I always have to be out in it. I'm afraid I will get "light skinned" or something *lol*

Honey Libra...Name the time and place. We can definitely have a DC/MD/VA blogger outing. Get drunk and talk sh*t about each other on each other's blogs :-)

Well I don't want to ramble but as a cheap cop out...Feel free to check the archives until I return (probably hung over) on Sunday.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

You Can't Out Talk Me!!

Sorry guys it was a pretty boring day today.

I was off today so I decided to hit the mall to do a little shopping. I need some summer clothes badly so I decided to hit up Forever 21 which I love anyway although I find myself in “bigger” sizes due to the fact I think bottoms in that store is Euro-cut or maybe I just have too much booty for the “WG” pants. After squeezing into a size 9 at Forever 21 because these cute white crop pants were in the only size that I could possibly fit in and they were so cute I could not walk out the door without them. The only thing I hate about the store is you really have to search for everything because there isn’t any real order to the store. Sh*t just everywhere. I also broke down and bought a few more shirts with the promise that I will be in next week to get more things for my trip to sunny Orland. I also bought a pair of all Black Chucks because I love Chucks for some reason now. They’re pretty comfortable. I don’t wear them with socks or anything but I find they are comfortable driving shoes for me. *lol* I don’t know I feel like I can actually feel the petal therefore controlling my speed. Yes, I have been driving all week. Getting a feel of the road or whatnot. No one has died or crashed yet into me so I guess I’m doing a pretty good job. The Beltway of course is still out. Of course I was spending money that I don’t have as I have to spend $325 on a plane ticket to go home Friday since I was too lazy to buy it last week. I wanted to come in on Thursday but um yeah the family is not worth that $445 right now. Especially since I’m going to Orlando next Thursday. And I have yet to buy anything for that trip.

I need a few more swim suits and some outfits. Not to mention the patent flip flops. Got to have the flip flops. I feel more results now that I actually am becoming a regular at the gym. I don’t have to suck in my gut when I walk past someone cute. And when I pig out, I only have a slight Buddha belly.

It seems like I have a ton of things to do before I leave for Chicago on Friday. Like looking for the right outfit for the wedding on Saturday. I told my mother I would attend and behave. If I just happen to accidentally trip her, I mean I am clumsy you know. They requested that everyone try to wear red/white as those are the colors for the wedding. So I can either look red-hot or white-lightening. I do have these “come hither” red pumps though…


I promise to behave (somewhat). Besides I’m really going home to see my new niece. I’ve heard claims that she resembles me and I was like, Honey, no one could look as good as me but then again I wasn’t a real cute baby. I had a little water head and like four strings of hair (all nappy) until I was two. Of course my mother pulled those little four strings up in barrettes and hair bows. Pure torture looking at those pictures if you asked me. But then again looking at the history of some of my mother’s hairstyles is pure torture. Not to mention fashion sense. *shudder* Where was the Baby Phat, Akademics, and Rocawear in the 80s when it was truly needed? It’s better than everyone’s claim that she looks like my brother. I’m still out on whether or not that’s a good thing.
Then apparently in my drunken state Friday I have this guy KEIFF. Yeah not “Keith” but “Keiff”. You know Black people can’t pronounce “th” to save their life. Luther=Loo-fah, Keith=Keiff. And besides he has like some weird DC/SC/NY accent so when he said his name was “Keiff”, I started cracking up.

Boy talking to him was like talking to E-40. Every other word I’m like “Huh”, “Repeat that”, “What”? Boy’s accent was thicker than molasses. WTF does molasses look like any way? Is it that thick brown stuff that’s in your grandmother’s pantry that looks as if it’s been there since Civil War times?

Keiff also is crazy. As in “Did he really just say that foolishness” crazy NOT STALKER crazy who thankfully I did not see this weekend. Eventually the conversation had to end due to his craziness.

He has several flaws in my book. One he is 33. Two he has THREE kids. And not “little” kids either. He has 13 years old and twelve year old twins. Yeah so his oldest is like 10 years younger than me and he is ten years older than me. Umm yeah Step-Mama is not for me. Three, not only does he admits his kids’ mother (singular shockingly) is crazy as hell yet he still sleeps with her. As in sexually. Umm yeah that’s not a great way to start a conversation. Four, he boasts on his potent sperm. “Twins run in my family” do not make me want to cock my legs open anymore than before. In fact, a b*tch is running in the opposite direction. Five, he is a chronic talker.

You know how I feel about a chronic talker. I already talk too damn much as it is so I don’t need another motor mouth cutting me off while I’m talking. We’re both just talking and rambling about something and nothing at the same time. I don’t need a talker in my life. So needless to say this was basically a one-sided conversation. I did not get a paragraph in the whole conversation. I would ask a smig of a question and he goes off into another tangent then had the nerve to ask me why am I so quiet? I’m like, “I’m just liste---“ before he cuts me off to talk about something else.

Namely me and him.

Apparently he likes a “woman who can listen without running off at the mouth”.

So I had to break it down to him that I have a man and we live together. You know the whole script I give when honestly I’m not feeling you but rather than just be a real asshole about it, I try the “nicer” approach. I mean there’s the coy way of admitting I have a man and then there’s the “let me shove this fake ass “wedding” band in your face so you know I have someone at home” way.

He had the nerve to come out his mouth with, ”I can be the man on the side and then gave me a speech on why he is the perfect candidate for being the man on the side. I’m just like, “Damn when did this become like a Presidential campaign? Running on the “Who Wants To Slide Up in Tenacious-Summer ’06” campaign and sh*t. I mean he was saying some outlandish sh*t. I mean the jest of it was basically since my man is not doing his job at home when I need my “pipes clean” I can call him.

So I’m like, Are you a certified plumber with a degree in the future or something. I sure as hell don’t remember telling you my pipes needs cleaning so you must be like a psychic plumber or something

So he runs some more game and I’m just through yall. Through. You will not try to outtalk a talker. You just will not. Especially out of the panties. You will not try to talk Tenacious out the panties! For every thing he said, I had a rebuttal. I was just amazed. We go from a simple conversation (with translators) of course to you just being upfront and want to be my side dish.

I told him the only things I like on the side are mashed potatoes and corn.

Besides bragging about potent sperm is not the way to a girl’s vaginal muscles. Maybe to someone else but not me.

Crazy Baby Mama=Big No No. I have enough to worry about. I don’t need your Baby Mama who you still f*ck by the way to be calling me all hours of the night. I don’t have daytime minutes set aside for bullsh*t thank you very much.

Kids=No No. I am not trying to be step-mama part duex. Plus kids let me know you have the ability to produce active sperm. Active sperm that be slicing muthaf*cking eggs in half and thirds. I don’t mind if you do have a child but children? Some one should have been wrapping it up more often. Besides a male with kids always end up with some sort of drama.

Age-While you are ten years older than me, I am not looking for “Daddy”. I have a father. You will not try to drop some knowledge on me that I have known since I sprouted breasts at the ripe old age of 15. Don’t try to brainwash me into giving up the booty. I am a new breed ok and I have a PhD in sniffing out bullsh*t. And why the hell are you in the club looking for young girls? At 33 shouldn’t you be at a stepper’s set instead of grinding on girls that’s not too far in age from your 12 year old girls? Hell some of them might be 12 up in the club.

You will not try to out talk a talker. I don’t know where you got the notion I am a “listener”. N*gga I’m a talker. I would be more of a talker if you did not cut me off every 5 seconds trying to brain wash me into giving up the nookie.

Lastly, I don’t know where the hell you got the notion that my man ain’t lying it down in the bedroom. He’s laying this b*tch down brick by brick. Muthaf*cker is the foundation. You ain’t sh*t but the crack on the ceiling that can easily be covered. The day he doesn’t is the day we break up. And you’re not even on the list for rebound booty.


Haven’t heard from his ass since.

Ima really need to stop being so damn friendly when I drink.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Happy (Belated) Mother's Day :-)

Ok Ok So I’m a day late. Better late than never you know.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the muv-vers out there.

^^^ I <3 accents by the way.

Although I did not appreciate the slew of “HMD” I received yesterday. One or two I can accept as a mistake. But hell every 10 minutes? I started to make a shirt that read, “I’m a Mother’s Day in the Making…In About 5 years. Congrats To Me Then, Not Now”. Hell but when I think about it, I’m a 8th wonders Of the World nowadays. I am not a walking statistic. 23 without any children? Plural not singular? *squints eye* You ain’t one of them “funny” gals are ya? Graduated from a four year accredited university in the actual four years? And I have a diploma to prove it? Boyfriend is not a drug dealer/gangster and except for his three hour stint in jail is not a prison bird with tattoos over every square inch of his arms and neck? Talking ‘bout he’s the next Jay-Z? And he alsograduated in four years? And he’s still in school studying to be a psychologist? Quit playing!

While it’s a nice gesture (or pick up line depending on whom I was talking to), just ask. If you’re a mother, good. Motherhood is a good thing. But if you’re not and you’re running from it daily, not so well. I’ve already had to call my 17 year old cousin to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day *shudder*

My mother made sure to call me bright and early and hit me with the, ”I didn’t receive my package in the mail.”

Me: *half sleep squinting at the alarm clock*, You were expecting one? From whom?”

Her: YOU! Where the hell’s my gift?”

Me: Ima bring it Thursday when I come in town.


Her: “That means you ain’t bought sh*t yet have you? Lazy ass…”

^^Yeah she knows me too well. Went to the store and bought hella sh*t for me and none for her. I don’t know what I will get her. Jewelry is out after I scraped and saved and starved for three months to buy her a diamond tennis bracelet and what does she do? Lose it. My heart died that day. Talkin’ ‘bout “it was fake anyway”. Yeah after I busted out the receipt and shrieked my frustration at her, she was looking sick. Of course, ”Who the hell you thank you hollering at?” was not far behind. Bracelet is gone. Some where some one is smiling. Ain’t me and damn sure ain’t my mama. A card? Yeah she’s ain’t on that with me. Cards went out with the macaroni ones we made in elementary school. I’ll find something for her. DC has a lot of stores.

She calls me to tell me Saturday one of my ex boyfriends is getting married. MARRIED yall! His mother and my mother are really cool so of course she’s invited and he told her, “If Tenacious is in town, she can come too”.

^^Why did he just give me permission to come and act a fool on his special day?

So while my mother is telling me all the details, she’s like, And don’t be coming up in there acting like you ain’t got no sense. If you’re going to get all crazy, don’t come. You remember what happened the last time your ass went to a wedding…”

^^She would bring up some old stuff. And technically it wasn’t me. It was my friend. Hell he had to find out the hard way his girl was not only cheating on him but engaged to another man. I was just the designated (illegal) driver. So I instigated just a smig. I didn’t like her ass from jump. Hell it wasn’t my fault someone did not get married that day. Some one should have covered their tracks better.

So I’m seriously thinking whether or not I should attend. I told my mother for once she has permission to pass my number along to someone and tell him to call me when he gets the chance. Of course my mother is the type who passes my number along like candy to any one who requests it. Except JDUBB and NB (crazy stalkers boyfriend and “piece” from Chicago).

We talk some more and of course I give my usual emotional Mother’s Day speech. This is the first year it was done via phone. We’re going to go out to eat when I come home Thursday. I <3 my mother. Her and all her craziness. And she would be the only one who really “gets” me. Damn woman knows me better than I know myself. A good thing but yeah it got a little irritating. Like this woman knew when I lost my virginity. I just walked in the house and she took one long look at me and was like, Oh so you’re f*cking now? It’s time for yet another talk I see. Sit your little hot ass down.” How she knew, who knows? I mean my shirt wasn’t on backwards or anything. I made it back before curfew (she will put that deadbolt on the door), and I was walking pretty normally (I guess). A funny story that I already told T.Cas later erupted from this concerning my father, my mother and I. I’ll have to tell you later.

She just knew I would act an ass at my ex’s wedding. This guy is the first guy who ever broke Tenacious heart. Broke that bad boy in some pieces, got a hammer, and smashed them into even littler pieces. He’s probably the reason I’m a “dog” now *lol* And while I (think) I’m over that, sometimes I wonder. I still have trust issues. I hold back a lot of my emotions. And I never love the guy more than he loves me. While I don’t hate him anymore, I still hold a grudge. And Tenacious can hold a grudge yall. I still don’t like this girl from preschool because she stole my box of Crayons. B*tch took them and have been on my sh*t list since.

It’s not so serious to me now as it was then because hey I have done it a few times but not only did this fool cheat on me, he got the other girl pregnant. He basically told me he did not love me anymore and he was going to be with the other girl. He loved her and I was nothing more than a “convenience” at the time until he got what he wanted which was the other girl. I was basically a play thing that he was stringing along until “Christmas” when he upgraded to a “better” toy. He also said a lot of hurtful sh*t that struck a young Tenacious to the bone. Older Tenacious would have laughed. Younger Tenacious cried. Yes I blubbered like a big ass baby. I actually think I begged his ass to take me back. Older Tenacious would have also slapped the sh*t out of Younger Tenacious for putting “us” out there like that. But at the time this guy was my <3. I never saw this coming. No signs. No tingling on the back of my neck. Nothing. I was like How could you meet someone new and we spent nearly all our time together?” Apparently where there’s a will, there’s a way.

So we broke up. She had his son and they have been together ever since. I would see him from time to time due to our parents’ friendship and I always wanted to dig my finger nails in his eyes. You don’t just break Tenacious heart. I always think of Jay-Z lyrics in Song Cry when I think of that fool: “How was I to know that you was plain sick of me/I know the way a nigga livin was whack/But you don't get a nigga back like that/Shit I'm a man with pride, you don't do shit like that/You don't just pick up and leave and leave me sick like that/You don't throw away what we had, just like that/I was just fuckin them girls, I was gon' get right back/They say you can't turn a bad girl good/But once a good girl's goin bad, she's gone forever..”

Ok well not the entire part (some of that part is from me to other guys) but you guys get what I’m saying.

And I think it gave him some type of pleasure to do it. While I just cried and cried, he just kept on talking like he did not even see me. I remembered how I hated ol’ girl so much my fingers were on the phone to call my girl because it was about to be ass whooping season for that ass. Sure we were 16 and it probably classified as “puppy love” but hell that “puppy love” was the real thing back in the day. Besides the bastard was my first. I actually wanted to lose my token virginity to him. Dead that “until I’m married” talk. I knew him since I was 10, in love by 13, and crushed by 16. Maybe that’s why I have a “take no prisoners” approach to relationship now. *shrugs* You think?

We actually talked one year and he apologized for all the things he said but since I was with current boyfriend, we were happy or whatnot, I really just brushed him off like, ”Yeah whatever. That’s old news.” but deep down I just wanted to Go Off! Like how dare he not only cheat on ME but get the next b*tch pregnant due to your cheating! Then not only did you use me, you used me until you could get close to ol’ girl because she had a man as well and as soon as she broke up with him, my “purpose” was no longer needed? And while we used condoms, you slid all up in this broad raw and got her pregnant? (Ok Ok I’m not really mad at this part because I wasn’t so far gone that I wanted his kid but it’s the whole irresponsible part that got me. Like how could you put my health on the line for this female?) Then you couldn’t be a man and tell me you had to send a foot soldier (your cousin) to tell me because you were basically done with me and wanted no form of contact with me anymore? The nerve of you n*gga! Had your mama feeling all sorry for me and sh*t. Hell had me feeling all sorry for me. I’m all depressed sitting up in my damn room like Brandy and sh*t watching the paint chip off the wall. And not to mention thanks to you JDUBB nutty ass walked in my f*cking life and has been a boil on my ass ever since!

^^^Sorry about the rant yall. *lol* Who can rant via words like me?!

Isn’t revenge a dish best served cold? And while nothing would probably make me better than going to his wedding and show my natual black ass, I won't. I will, however, attend dressed fierce to death, hair laid to the side, and rocking the stilettos. It’s old news and besides I’m not going to ruin her day even though she ruined mine 8 years ago. It’s not her fault he was slime. I didn’t know her. I did not lay eyes on her until I peeped them at the mall shopping for baby clothes. Besides it was 8 years ago. I refuse to turn into a JDUBB.

I’m just pissed yall. Pissed. I do have a sensitive side. I just don’t like my vulnerable side exposed. And he exposed and have witnessed Tenacious vulnerable side.

Pitiful I know but hey I value my reputation as a “hard ass”.
Of course he doesn’t know that. He called and cautiously asked was I going to behave myself because of our “past”. I revealed nothing. Alluded to nothing. Just calm as ever. And folks know what happens when Tenacious gets a little too calm. It’s like right before the storm. Little does he know this Hurricane is nothing more than a drizzle with the sun peeking out. But he doesn’t know that. He’s probably on the phone calling for security right now.

I guess revenge is is a dish best served cold. :-)

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I've Been Thrown Out Of Better Places!

Tell me why Friday I was booted from the club?

For “Public Intoxication”?

And I wasn’t even that drunk? Sure I was loose but I was in the designated “Detox” room like I was a junkie or some sh*t? Like I got the shakes and sh*t. Like this is that episode of "Family Guy" when The Cookie Monster was in rehab and sh*t. With the chocolate chip cookie dough "pipe".

I mean I had four cups of the ‘Goose and OJ before I went in the club not to mention the Rum & Coke that I knocked back as soon as I got in there but I was not slizzard. Sure that Rum & Coke was shoved in my hand and I drunk it (I later found out my girl had bought it but I was so busy dancing that I didn’t notice until it was sloshing around) but still man…

I got the boot from the club and this time it was purely wrong!

Funny as shit but still wrong. It was rather amusing because for once I did not see this one coming.

But due to my history of being put out of places plus the fact that I did not pay to get in there I could not be mad for real. I mean after all the arguing I did, eventually I did catch a 2nd drinking wind and was a little sloshed.

Tuh I won’t be patroning LOVE doors any more. Well at least until June 2nd when my hubbie T.I hits the club. Like I said, he could hit. Of course 4 condoms and a negative AIDS test reading is required. And um yeah he can’t kiss me on the mouth or anything like that but still…

So Friday, I went to work for a pointless meeting about cash handling that was originally canceled but since someone forgot to call and inform us of the update, they were forced to give it. And why is there a Police conference going on at the hotel? Hell don’t they know I’m on parole? I can’t be in a place with too much pork you know. It’s like that ignant side I reserve just for police comes out esp. since they walk around like they’re God or something. But knowing my license is a smig from being suspended, not to mention the random parking tickets that have yet to be paid from when I did actively drive are merits for a towing, I kept cool. I just sulked in the back with the rest of the Blacks who clearly “felt” me so we kept our contact limited with the police. You Know How That Goes.

Sista girl had it going on. Sure the weather drastically changed in the two hours that I was in the meeting but sista was rocking the fresh straw curls and my little shorts that I just grew in. But it made the booty pop so I was on the go. Ended up being at work until damn near 5 pm because my girl was coming up $200 short on her drop and you know how that goes when you’re young, Black, and in charge of money. Eventually they let her go but you know they think she stole the money. I think it was just a computing error but the dumb prick of a manager seems to think other wise. They’re still rolling back the tape on that one. Kinda dumb considering she did give refunds back to guest as well as the countless people who wants to break bills during the day at the front desk but we’ll see how that rolls out.

So we leave and she’s upset because of course they think she’s a thief. She rolls up a joint right up in the parking garage and she’s puffing away while going up the ramp. Keep in mind we have a lot of cops in the hotel. So she’s puffing away and we get out on the street. We got the windows down and she’s still ranting about the money situation. A big ass Suburban pulls up to the side of us and the driver (a Black guy) sees her smoking. So of course he wants to give us a lecture at the light, ending with “You know I’m a cop right? I can run your plates right now and take you all in.”

^^You know I don’t care. The weather had just turned and got kinda chilly so I’m looking crazy in a tank, shorts, and flip flops. Plus I’m mad that the situation has significantly cut into our mall time.

So my ass ask, “Well, are you on the clock? Let me know now so I can call my boyfriend so he can come bail me out. I ain’t tryin’ to be in lockup all weekend”

He replies, “Well no…” *light changes* (long ass lights in Crystal City)

So as we pull off, I holler out the window, “Well holler at me when you are on the clock!”

I don’t give a f*ck. What you thought you were going to scare me? If you really were a damn cop you woulda been called for backup. VA ain’t on that! I hate people who try to use scare tactics on strangers like we were going to drop the weed or something. Like we really was going to have a high speed chase on 395 during rush hour. I think he was mad because he was smiling at us and initially we weren’t paying him any attention.

She finishes the “J” on the Beltway and we head to Arundel Mills to do some shopping. Of course we’re stuck in traffic on the BWI. So we’re basically just talking and laughing and flirting with a guy in the car behind us.

We finally get to Arundel Mills which is like this huge ass shopping complex. It’s a lot of outlet stores in there but the sh*t is humongous! I go in and tear up in shopping of course. Since my blue dress still has yet to arrive in the mail, I was forced to buy another dress for the night plus I needed some shoes to match the outfit. After not finding anything (well I did buy two sexy shirts), we hit up Charlotte Russe and hit the jackpot. I got shoes, a purse, a dress, and some accessories for $60. Can’t beat some sh*t like that. The dress has a low cut back and a short hem line and I perked it up with white shoes and accessories. I just hate buying white shoes because they get dirty and scuffed really quickly and besides I am follow strict rules (thanks to my family) for wearing” white. I always get it confused about the time frame for wearing white dress shoes so I just never wear them. But I guess “white” is in all year round now thanks to Beyonce and her “Crazy In Love” shoes so I am slowing starting to buy white pumps and heels. Even though I still feel like I’m on the Usher Board at chuch when I wear white pumps. But the shoes were cute and they were only $16.99 (more than the dress I might mention *lol*) so I was like two tears in a bucket f*ck it. Them bad boys are now awaiting some TLC with the Magic Eraser.

We leave and meet up with our other girl and we get ready at her crib. She has the cutest little nephew but boy was he nosey! He’s all in our makeup bag, in our purse, playing with our phone and keys. But hey he was a good little servant. We had him putting on our shoes, holding our hair in place and picking lint off our dresses. Hey hey he gotta learn. I was a baby slave from the age of 3 until I left home for college. Besides he had a crush on me and wanted to hold my hand. You all know how I feel about the pervvy kids so I had to let his little adorable self know that Tenacious does not play with other people’s kids. Besides poor thing threw a temper tantrum and got that ass spanked because it was his bedtime and he refused to go.

**For the purpose of getting the folks right, LH and WD are my friends, GOOSE is the guy who bought us drinks, VIP is dude who got us in the club for free, and DD was our “designated driver”**

LH calls GOOSE (one of her dips) and was like we were trying to get our drink on before we hit the club so he told us to come through and he’d buy us something to drink. Now since our hair is laid to the side and we’re looking the finest of skanky (we all had on obscenely short dresses) and it was pouring down on the way into DC and no one though of bringing a jacket or umbrella (well I had my plastic bag to put over my head. Sh*t I will not be in the shop three times this week for the same damn hair style!) at first we didn’t want to get out the car because there was no parking in front of his house and we didn’t want to walk ½ block to his place.

So GOOSE gets in his car and basically meet us and drive us up four houses so we won’t get wet. Now we go in and it’s apparent he already has a little “function” going on in the crib. He was having a little party of his own, which we were invited to, but judging by the chilly reception we received from some of the resident bust downs in the house, we declined. Of course, the vultures were swooping and within minutes I had about four dudes all in my face trying to “cuff” me. Since ‘Goose was neither in their hand nor a dental plan in some of their immediate future, they were promptly ignore. One guy was cute as hell but yeah he had a girl. A girl who was at the “party”. And then he goes and point her out like a dummy. I’m like, “Umm yeah I don’t do threesome. Three is a crowd you know” which drew laughs. I mean why are you pointing her like Ima wave to her or something. And is that disrespectful on so many levels? How you gonna holla at someone at a house party and your significant other is at the same party? So I definitely was not on that with him.

We did get enough catcalls to stroke a female’s ego though. I mean we were looking pre-juking good.

We gets our ‘Goose from GOOSE and down ½ the bottom within 10 minutes. Like I said, I had four cups. LH had five and WD had six. At the end of the night WD was the most sober and LH was the drunkest. She’s the reason we were in Detox in the 1st place.

So we get to LOVE and it’s already juking and packed. VIP spotted LH and WD because they had went out to lunch or something like that and before you know it we were escorted past the rope and metal detectors into the club. But VIP was cool. He found us at the bar, gave us our VIP bracelets, and dipped. I guess he did not want to associate himself with the drunken 3. Yeah by this time we were stumbling, laughing, and just acting an ass.
So after I get the drink shoved in my hand and of course I drink it, the real fun began. We danced on any and everyone, including each other. No homo of course. No frontal grinding. Just shaking our butts on each other “WG” style. I’m shaking my curls all over and sh*t. We get into a drunken dance off with some girls who were nearby. So we’re just wild. I think the guys we were dancing with even slid off because we were just too much for them to handle.

There was numerous “pokes” in the butt and of course even though I’m drunk I had to tell quite a few fellas about my “One Dance Mininum” and “No Hard Pokes In The Anal Area” rule. Hell one dude got shoved because this fool had the nerve to cup my panty-clad booty under the dress. Now you know I don’t play that sh*t. This drew the attention of a bouncer of course and dude was led away. This is the same bouncer that eventually busted us.

Then of course came the drunken pictures. We got the booty shots, the one leg over one another shot, the drunken “Ima Sip This Drink Like I’m Sexy With One Eye Half Closed” shot, the “Random Guy In The Picture” shot and not to mention one of LH on the ground laughing because she tripped picture. Ah yes, the drunken pictures. I have many of pictures in that collection. Eventually they will be sold to Star Magazine for major duckets.

Next thing you know we run into LH’s friend DD. He’s an older guy and obviously he was not that amused by our antics. In fact he cuffed her ass and had her linked to him the entire night. He was so not on that with us. He had her wifed up in the club and while we kept a watchful eye on his ass, we were too busy messing with random guys to really cock block. Besides DD got us in VIP as well. We ran into VIP and we chilled for a hot second.

Then comes the bullsh*t.

We’re chilling in VIP and we’re dancing or what not when the same bouncer that saved dude from a Tenacious Drunken Ass Whooping appears and is like, Get in the Elevator. Ima take yall to another VIP room”. Like drunken idiots me and WD comply with LH and DD trailing behind us. We’re really thinking we’re going to VIP because LOVE has four levels and we’re thinking we’re going up to another VIP room.

Next thing you know we’re in the Detox room in the basement.

We’re in there with like 6 loose as f*ck muthaf*ckers. Niggas just wasted. Like can’t stand up and don’t know where they are drunk. Like so drunk, the bouncers are calling the taxis drunk.

So instantly I’m pissed. I march over to the bouncer and proceed to give his ass a Chi-Town Tongue Lashing of course ending with, Muthaf*cker I’m from the Chi!! This is how I am naturally!”

Like a typical bouncer, he brushes off my rants. He’s like, I’ve been watching you and your girls for a minute and due to your erratic behavior we have to pull you from the floor.”

Ok since when is dancing an erratic behavior? Ok sure we slipped and tripped a few times but hello—3-4 inch heel stilettos, a wet ass floor, and a little alcohol in the system is bound to have hella sistas slipping and sliding all over the dance floor. And besides how the f*ck can you watch us in the club? Like we were the only three on the dance floor and we kept bouncing from level to level.

Then I’m like, Well we’re sober now so let us go back upstairs. I mean this is some bull. I ain’t drunk. That nigga over there throwing up in the bucket is drunk. This broad next to me is drunk. She can’t even sit in the chair by herself. But me? Oh no I’m straight.

Then LH had to mess it up by sliding out the chair. The bouncer looks at me and was like, Yeah…She’s the reason yall asses in here now. Now sit down and drink this water.”

I smack the water out his hand of course and while WD is grabbing me, another bouncer has my other hand. He’s leading me to the door when the MPD comes in and begin taking IDs and info. They wanna know am I driving and if not how am I getting home and what not. I guess they just can’t boot me out the club while I’m drunk. So DD who has just been looking pissed the entire time steps in and claims himself as our “DD”.

They let me stay in only because DD is cool with the owner. So they are about to let us back in the elevator when my second drinking wind kicks in and LH basically goes into comatose mode on us. This heff nods off in the middle of her sentence and sh*t. So the bouncer is eyeing me because he’s still mad that I didn’t get kicked out and his shirt is wet (hey I told his ass I didn’t want the water and get that sh*t out my face) and so I stumbled going up the stairs.

Once again, grounds for staying in Detox. So you know another argument is sparked. I’m like, “Man these are concrete painted steps. I mean it’s so many dents and sh*t on these damn steps of course Ima slip. These f*cking cheap ass steps. I mean how yall gone have painted waxed concrete steps and then expect people not to fall? Need I remind you I am wearing 3 inch heels? I’d hate to have to sue. Besides how you gonna have a club called LOVE yet no one give any?”

^^Bouncers are so damn mean. I mean I know it’s part of the job description to be aggressive and don’t take any mess but still…I mean damn would it kill you to give service with a smile? *lol* I mean they just be posted up looking angry and sh*t. Don’t get mad at me cuz you stuck with the night shift with all the drunken rowdy people. I mean damn folks go to the club to have a good time. We don’t need the “Fun Police” hawking and stalking our asses the whole party.

Needless to say after this tirade, we were directed to the door and kicked out. I was told by the bouncer when I “get my drinking as well as my mouth under control, I can come back to the club.”

So DD drove us home in LH’s car and after a few misplaced drunken dialing calls, I managed to call the BF and he came and dragged my ass out the car and put me to bed. Woke up with a mini hangover and 10 minutes late for work. I started to run out without showering but after sniffing under the arms and realized that 1. I stank and 2. I smelled like weed, sweat, and alcohol I threw my ass in the shower. Besides I can’t do the “go outside without washing my ass” thing. I may go out in sweats and my hair tied up but I do be clean.

I guess I looked like I had a rough night because a guest bought me some Starbucks. Made me think like “Damn do I look post-club bad. Am I looking like one of those girls who be fine in the club and in the morning look like hot sh*t warmed over on a sesame seed bun”? And my curls did fall but they fell in a good way. They loosen up a bit some they look even cuter. Like I got “Good Hair” (I’m thinking of you T.CAS) or some sh*t. Like I got the good crinkly wash and go hair.

Ooh and why was the Secret Service having a job fair and so many fine brothers passed by the desk that a sista was about to go upstairs to fill out an application because anywhere where it’s that many fine brothers applying for a job it means that is a job that Tenacious needs to be at. And I learned something new: There are actually two branches of The Secret Service. The financial side and then there's the one where you gotta dive in front of folks.

Do I really need to mention which branch the bruthas were applying for?

You know we ain’t diving in front of any body! Hell when I duck you better take notice otherwise it’s “holla back son” for you. I’ll come and do a solo at the funeral.

But those brothers were fine as hell though. Ima have to update the resume and begin to balance my checkbook better.

All in all yet another Birthday since I was 18 that I have spent getting booted from an establishment. I have not broken my 5 years streak of a "Birthday Celebration Cut Short". This is the second time this year I have been booted from a DC club.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Go Shawty It's Your Burff-Day...

Thanks to everyone who gave me B-Day Love via the blog and/or email

**Blows Kiss**

It feels good to be loved. Seriously, thank you. A sista felt like a celeb Wednesday. Maybe it was the “Happy Birthday” tiara. Or maybe it was the fact that I mentioned it was my 23rd birthday all day to anyone who would listen. *shrugs* Hey what can I say I <3 my birthday. I got more phone calls on my b-day than I’ve gotten all month. So you know what that means? Limited daytime minutes until the end of the month. *sigh* I just need to just go ‘head and upgrade them minutes.

Now it's offically TWO years before I seriously begin to think about settling down and popping out lil' Alize and Bacardi because surely they will have a hand in me getting knocked up.

This is going to be yet another long post since I haven’t posted in a few days and of course Tenacious is hitting the streets tonight. Got the herr done, nails and toes done and I’m just looking lovely. Now if only my damn dress would come in the mail today…And of course you guys will get the sordid details.

Plus why is my little bite-size hubby coming to LOVE June 2nd. I am so there! That's T.I. little self in case people are wondering. Damn I need to go to a country that condones polygamy because I have like 15 husbands lined up including my 5 WB husbands (WB-White Boy). Yeah T.I is my crush of the month. I wouldn't kiss him on the mouth or anything (that little scar near his mouth looks suspect. My mama told me to never trust a man who has too many scars around his "mouff" LMAO) but he could hit it...with 4 condoms on and an negative AIDS Test reading of course. **LOL**

At work on Monday a man fell down the escalators and if he did not fall so ugly, you know I would have been rolling. I mean he fell down 12 of those steps head first. Since they’re working on the escalators they don’t work so people have to walk up and down but apparently he decided to drag his suitcase behind me and it got caught on the grates and he fell. I gave him props for getting the hell up and going about his business, refusing medical attention. You know my ass woulda laid out “Ezell” style.

I go home and my girl from work called me and asked me to come “chief” with her and some of her friends. Since the boyfriend had yet to touch down and CUTIE was in for the night, I was like why not and went through her spot. I just had to have my celebratory "chiefing”. Although I smoked a few days before, I partook in the cannabis again. Hey, I only smoke a few times a year, always around my birthday. Now that was some good sh*t. I was feeling so good, I got a little suspicious like “did she lace this”. Lawd knows I don’t want to be running down NE DC in my drawls, in the chicken coop and sh*t. Who the hell was going to get me out, my moms is in Chicago? Besides, it wasn’t a matching set that day.

So you know me. The fit of the giggles shortly follow. Of course I couldn’t stop so everything was funny as sh*t to me for like ½ an hour. Of course, we were all cracking jokes since I am known as the “funny one”. I am by no means funny but hey if you want to stroke ma ego…

One of her guys tried to holler and while he was cute, ummm yeah he was a little too rough for me. Some of his classic pick up lines:

You one of the finest hoes up in here. I ain’t never seen a hoe as fine as you is.

Man you built like a stripper. Aye fo’ *talking to another guy* don’t she look like Precious from that club we went to last week. *squints at me* Is you Precious?

Dig this. You look like you educated. I like an educated woman. What you graduated from High School?

^^^^Oh there were so many but he was killing me dead yall. Just killing me. I had to tell him to shut the f*ck up because surely I was on my way to heaven (or hell depending on who you talk to). Now you know I had smart ass rebuttals for all these (most of which flew by his ass) but he was killing me. I have not heard this sh*t since high school (esp. the “finest hoe” one) and I guess this was the game he spits to other females and he called himself getting upset because I refused his advances. For obvious reasons. For obvious reasons that he just did not seem to get until I told him to get the f*ck out my face because he was blowing my high.

It was funny though. He seemed more upset at the fact that I was not a real stripper. I told him I fell off the pole during my audition and for some reason the "Boom Boom Room" chose to pick the next candidate. I mean how else was I going to pay my way through a public education High School? I mean never mind my college student loans. I just give that money to the government for free. I just have a paper diploma I made courtesy of the University of Illinois printers and sh*t. Of course, all that flew over his head.

Of course everyone else in the room was rolling.

I needed not to smoke that weed because Tuesday I was sluggish as hell all day at work. Sniffing and sh*t. Eyes still red. Damn cheap ass Rite-Aid eye drops. Ima have to spring for the Visine. Not the B&L brand because umm yeah they sh*t has been getting recalled. I’m already blind; I don’t need an actual missing eye to go along with it. Of course I made up a lie that me and the bf got into it and the White Girls at work fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Wanted to rub my back and get me herbal tea and sh*t. The Black Folks looking at me like I’m on “that sh*t”. You know they asses weren’t fooled. They have been a witness to my wrath of fury so they know an argument doesn’t bring out the “WG” tears in Tenacious. And plus my hair still smelled like weed a little. Or was it just my imagination? I swear I was smelling it all day. Like it was in my pores or something. My hair is like the Black Hole when it comes to smells because nothing escapes my damn hair! Naps like Scratch and Sniff and sh*t. Just holding all the smells in and sh*t. You can tell what I had to eat last night based on my damn hair. Be sniffing the air like, "Tenacious...Yall had chicken last night? I can tell..."

Let's just hope a random drug testing is not in my future!!

It was my other’s girl B-Day but she was depressed because her father recently died. He was deported back to Jamaica and he was trying to sneak back in for her graduation on Saturday and something went wrong with the boat. His body still has not been recovered. So she’s still sad and she has been drinking a lot so she’s not up for our usual b-day antics (plus I’m not in Illinois for said antics) so I talked to her for a few. It depressed me a bit because she and her father is really close and she feels guilty because she thinks if it wasn’t for her invite to her graduation, he would still be alive. I’ve been there before as far as the guilt factor. I promised to stop by her people’s house when I go home next week.

I just chilled the rest of Tuesday. Cleaned up for like the umpteenth time.

Woke up Wednesday to a flurry of phone calls. I got five calls before 6 am. They better be lucky I was up and getting ready for work. Of course my day was almost ruined by several phone calls.

STALKER (remember his crazy NJ ass?) called me. Not for my birthday but to tell me he’s coming back in town this weekend and we will hook up. So I’m already on the house phone contacting security at the job. It will get ugly if he pops up at the job this time.

DADDY called with his usual Birthday lecture. Oh yeah and he “forgot” to mail my B-Day check because apparently I never gave him my new address. Yeah the same address he could have gotten from my grandmother who he sees everyday. Well honestly, if it wasn’t a phone call telling me he was shipping my car via Fed-Ex I really wasn’t trying to hear that. That developed, of course, into an argument which resulted in my fingers hitting the END button. We have so many issues between us. Coming up in another post.

CUTIE called and wished me a Happy Birthday at the same time BF was coming through on the other line. Ain’t that funny? BF also told me what time his flight was arriving and I better be wearing “That Red Dress” when I come to pick him up. He also some a lil’ freaky something that had me changing the undies. Umm yeah it was a little graphic 6:10 am call.

JDUBB (stalker ex boyfriend from 6 years ago) called to wish me a happy birthday and of course my usual “I hope you burn in hell Ima run you over when I see you blah blah blah” speech. At least he is not Google Earthing me anymore.

^^^And this was all before 7 am.

At work I got a really nice card, chocolates, and a bouquet of flowers from one of the guys I’m really cool with. I call him “Chocolate Thunder” (CT) due to a funny inside joke about him and a guest at the hotel. It was even rumored that me and him were going out, pretty funny because he has a CRAZY steady girlfriend, but whatever. Office gossip is always so funny.

Of course, I mentioned my birthday not to mention the B-Day tiara so I got about $100 from guests who wanted to help the “baby” celebrate. For some reason people thought I was between the ages of 21-29. Where the f*ck 29 comes from (I think the b*tch was trying to be funny) I will never know but hey it beats the 15-18 age range I usually get which mean *dah dah dah* I look older. Finally! While I want to stay baby faced forever, I also want to look like I am not a potential R. Kelly victim all the damn time!

Not to mention I got free meals from the entire little kiosk and restaurants my ass frequents. I must have gained about 10 pounds Wednesday. Everyone wanted to feed the B-Day girl and B-Day girl was not leaving a plate unlicked. Plus it was 77 degrees?! I was rocking the finest of the stilettos and cropped pants which make my ass pokes out. And I had the diva shades on. You couldn’t tell me nuff-thing!
Went to my usual nail shop and got the toes and nails hooked up…for free. It pays to go to the same place all the time.

Went home, took a long shower and got ready for the “Big Night”. I will post a pic of me and the dress. Personally I don’t really like the dress but BF loves it. I think I look chunky (not thick as I want to look) plus the dress is too clingy. I have G-string lines in that damn dress but *shrugs* I put it on only because I haven’t seen him in 3 weeks and my dress still have not came in the mail.

Now I’ve told people about my bad ass driving. I am a notoriously bad driver. I don’t know if it was the car accident or just a skittish behavior I never knew I had or what that makes me very nervous behind the wheel. Not to mention I am a witness to DC/VA/MD drivers so I don’t really like being out on the road too much when I know too many of them are out. Now we live 5 minutes from DCA but I still have to get on the ramp to get to the airport. A ramp with a lot of curves. A ramp that I was hugging at like 20 miles per hour. Luckily traffic wasn’t really that bad so I didn’t get that many middle fingers and “Stupid Cunt” that day.

^^^I’m slowly getting over my fear of driving on the expressway. Very slowly.

Of course I had to keep driving around because the airport cops wanted to be dicks about waiting. So after driving around 5 times, I spot BF. Damn near forgot to put the car in park before I flew out the car. Aww can you say gushy romance scene? A few people even clapped. And thank the lawd he finally got a haircut! Before his hair was looking like Denzel’s in “He Got Game” because he was convinced he should grow dreads. Um yeah he doesn’t have the right shaped head for dreads so I was relieved when he gave it up. I <3 dreadlocks, just not on him.

We head to Caryle’s in Arlington and have a really nice dinner. I felt like a princess because he used to work there and the staff there treated us really well. We talked and he told me about some of the things he got into when he went to Chicago including a drunken bar fight. *sigh* That Frat Boy mentality…Boy I tell ya. He asked about CUTIE and while he was not happy about it (of course), the pot couldn’t call the kettle black. Apparently he went out to dinner with an ex. And while I saw RED, I sat my ass back down (I mean we were in a classy environment yall) because I really couldn’t get mad. Besides I’ve met that ex. She’s fugly anyway. Since we were even in that field, we let it go. He wants to meet CUTIE and I’m happy to oblige. I’ve been a good girl so why not? I just told him not to scare CUTIE off as he has done to other guys before. Just because you spent three hours in jail before does not make you a gangsta *lol* But you can’t tell him that. And this is the same guy who blushes when he goes into any type of women store. And don’t let it be like Victoria’s Secret. He’s more nervous than a whore in church. Be stuttering and stammering and sh*t. I secretly think he be feeling on the panties and sh*t like I see some guys do in the store and his ass is banned from VS due to his pervvy activities. *lol*

I received D&G perfume, a Coach purse I’ve been eyeing for months, and a check. You know I’m hitting the mall today with that check. And I can shop at the stores I can only wish there was a 99% off sale so I can afford some of the stuff that’s in there. Obviously someone had been saving their chips.

When we go home he makes me wait in the lobby for 15 minutes so he can “set up” my other birthday surprise. Meanwhile I’m getting “eye f*cked” by some random guys in the lobby.

I come in the apartment to scented candles lit and rose petals everywhere and a warm bubble bath and a shy smile. He went into a sex store and bought handcuffs, a blind fold, freaky dice, “Motion” lotions, Massage oils, Edible Powder and Undies, and a whole slew of other things. This is coming from the guy who averts his eyes at VS. I was so touched, a tear came to my eye.

After receiving a bath and a massage fit for the Queen of Zamunda, we make up for lost time. We make up for lost time so much I’m glad I’m off today because other wise I would have had to call off. Let’s just say we used everything that he bought *wink wink* quite a few times.

Finally Tenacious’ 3 week drought period is over!! I’ve been cheesing all morning so you know I’m back in a good mood. Face cleared up instantly, the scowl that I usually wear for the first three hours upon waking is gone, and even the cat shredding my flower bouquet and spreading it on the floor drew a laugh and a kiss. Yeah I think the cat was scared. He’s been avoiding me all morning.

And not needing to be said but you know what we did all Thursday after I got off of work *smile* Let's just say I didn't get into the door good and umm yeah maintenance is going to have to see about that dent in the wall.


Now I gotta beg for another hair appointment…And you know Tenacious doesn't play when it comes to the hair!! Hair smelling like "Scrawberries and Chocolate"...And some Honey Glazed Powder sprinkled in there for effect...