Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I See "Divorce Court" In Our Future....

So the other day I'm walking and talking on my phone

Knowing damn well I can't do both *lol*

JBN is walking ahead of me, as usual, because of my tendency to do random clownish shit when we're in public. You know he tries to act like he doesn't know me.

I mean so what I randomly break into the "Thriller" dance *which I do sooo much better than Naomi who's presence was pretty pointless in that commerical** in the aisles of Wal-Mart.

Or I'm like one bike ride through the store away from being banned.

OK and I may have accidently knocked over a display or two while out shopping.

But I'm clumpy. So sue me.

By the time we got to the door I'm talking on the phone via speaker and texting someone so my head is down.

You would think my future husband would be a gentleman and hold the door open for me...But clearly I had mixed him up with some one else.

Why did this fool keep going...and why did I walk smack into the door...complete with the loud "thoink" noise?

I couldn't even play that one off...there was forehead grease all on the door and you know I was on super charged walking mode so I slammed into that bad boy hard as hell. Did a quick bounce back. Phone and purse hit the ground.

So you know folks are staring, I see snickering and a few chuckles in the check out lines.

And of course...retard mode...I'm so embarrassed I'm pushing on the door when I should be pulling *sigh* so now I'm look extra slow.

I finally slink in the door with my head down and hurry down the store.

Now you would think he would be waiting with a hug and an "aww poor baby", dang a kiss on the forehead...something...

What is this fool doing?

Laughing his ass off.

I would've thrown a bag of socks at him...But I didn't want to draw attention to myself *lol*

The nerve of that man!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Gross Stuff...

Disclaimer: All of this just randomly popped into my head.

1. I admit all the time that I am a lame…because well for the most part it’s the truth. One of my embarrassing little secrets is that I, for the most part, still wear shorts underneath my clothes when I’m on my period.

Why am I admitting this? I have no idea but I think it comes from a random phone conversation with TWIN and out the blue she asked did I still wear my lime green *shut up* biker shorts. Kinda shocked me because I thought that was one of my little secrets. Turns out everyone knew about my infamous biker shorts *lol* although they did disappear for a short while in college when I was on the shot.

Bleeding through my clothes have been a fear of mine since 13. I was the girl who always wore shorts underneath all of my dresses regardless of the length. A bad habit I didn’t really break until college.

*hangs head*

I was sooo mad at my mother when she tossed them out a couple of summers ago. I mean sure they were all bleached up, had holes all over the place, not to mention it got to the point where they were super tight *so sue me I had them since 13* but still…my little security blanket was gone.

I’ve moved away from the shorts and now rock dark bottoms but still…*sniff sniff* they’re gone.

2. In fact, unless it’s a tight fitting dress where I have no choice but to rock a thong, I wear boy shorts or something similar when I do wear a dress. 9/10 times the panties matches the color of the dress or skirt.

I hate wearing thongs. But I continuously buy them *lol* Wearing a thong makes me feel like I have a major wedgie not to mention the booty chafing I feel in jeans *lol* kinda ruins the experience for me. If it’s not on some sexy stuff because I know they’re on for less than 5 minutes, I avoid them.

3. I rather be caught bottomless than topless. Weird right?

4. I have strange nipples. I’m going to go ahead and blame the nipples rings but I think they fucked up my nipples.

Like now I have reached the stage where I feel so self conscious without a bra. Before a strapless bra was my worst enemy because one thing I love about having a small chest is the ability to go bra less. Any excuse not to wear a bra I took. In the summer I might have worn a bra three or four times the entire summer.

Now I can’t live without a strapless bra…partly because of my wayward nipples.
My nipples have the strange habit of getting hard…regardless of whether it’s hot or cold.

I mean it could be 95 degrees, sweat dripping down my back…and the head lights are on high beam.

And my high beams be waving like a mug. I’ve caught guys staring at my chest because the girls were waving.

And I already have an understanding of what they’re thinking…SEX SEX SEX

Like I’m some horny broad.

Ok well most of the time I am a horny broad but that’s not the point *lol*

I’m not trying to give anyone any ideas…or an excuse to stop me to holla.

So although my perky little boobs are begging for release…I’m always in a bra.

5. With that being said, outside of laundry day…I always wear panties. I can’t recall a day when I waltzed out with panties.

Must have to do with my mom’s belief that “only white girls do that nasty shit”.

Moms beat in my head to cover the cooch up. I mean heaven forbid if I get hit by a car and when they’re cutting my clothes away *gasp* I have no drawls on. I mean outside of not rocking clean undies…a cardinal sin in my family.

And unsightly camel toe *shudder* scares me. Like ew.

And no crotch shots from a camera phone over here.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sorry Guys...

Outside of work and *sigh* my "Lost" obsession although I am now fully caught up and ready to join the Thursday night world of "Leave Me The Fuck Alone At 9...Don't You Know Lost Is On"

I have the flu.

Yeah my ass fucked around and got that. The year I decide to not take the flu shot because I'm getting a little paranoid on what doctors are injecting in my body.

Fuck around and wake up with a 3rd arm or something.

I caught the flu. Apparently I had the shit since November but it didn't rear its ugly head until a couple of Mondays ago.

Ya girl was a fucking wreck. I went to a Super Bowl party that Sunday. Hey free food is free food, you know I wasn't there for the football *lol*

Woke up Monday and I swear I could not get out the bed. My body felt like someone took a brick and literally beat the shit out of me. My lungs were swimming in mucus and I was so weak I couldn't make it out the bed.

After convincing myself I wasn't viciously poisoned while at the Super Bowl Party, I tried to suffer through the week. Yes my black ass managed to crawl out the bed and make it to work.

And yes I took my disease ridden ass to work because I can't stand being in the house weak and helpless until someone comes home and take care of me. And besides tour season is looming, there's hella problems with the on going construction, and I had hella work to do.

Not that any of this mattered, my ass ended up going home early every single day...when I wasn't passed out drooling at my desk while people tip toed around me afraid that they might "get that".

Strangely enough here I am, today running @ about 55%, and NO ONE has caught the flu. No one around me is sick in the least. I mean I must have coughed, sneezed and spit up on every surface at home but is Mr. Immune System of a God sick?

Hell to the no!

Is my girl, whose needy ass feel the need to stop by damn near daily and sometimes I have to throw her out the apartment so she can take her ass home, sick?

Hell to the no!

Outside of a co-worker who is always sick, and who I 9/10 catch whatever plague on the earth that has descended on her, no one is sick.

I don't know whether to be mad suspicious or mad bitter.

I mean just at the beginning of the week I was maybe running at 25%. And that's maybe.

I've lost about 5 lbs alone in one week. Shoot I went three days without eating a bite of food. I survived on OJ so much that I'm convinced the price went up because I was buying 4/5 gallons of the stuff a week.

I'm slowly regaining my appetite back but for the most part I don't have an interest in food.

And now I'm convinced I have tuberculosis. Don't ask *lol* Fucking Wikipedia has scared the shit out of me.

I'll be back to regular posting soon. I promise :)

Friday, February 01, 2008

I Admit It..

It has taken a lot of courage to write this...

Sure I make jokes about it but really it was to hide my shame...

My shame of admitting...

I am a secret stalker.

I know I could I, of all people, be a stalker?

I despire stalkers. As a victim of several stalking attempts, many I have blogged about right here, how can I be a stalker?

*hangs heads*

It started with a few simple phone calls. A text here and there.

...And then one day...I found myself calling more than the 3 phone calls/day mininum I give myself and others when phone calls are not answered.

It went from two or three a day to two or three every 10 minutes. Me, Queen on Never Leaving Voicemails Because I'm Sure You Saw My Number In The Missed Call Log, was actually leaving voice mails. Each one more frantic than the next. I'm sure he can hear the desperation and longing for answers in my voice. Begging, pleading...menancing threating him to call me back right now. Not right now. But right now.

It got to the point when my frantic texts of "Where are you" and "How come you're not picking up my calls" were sent in rapid succession. Typing so fast sometimes I mispelled words.

And I am a stickler for spelling when it comes to text messages *lol*

*chokes back sob* And I won't even get on the IMs I've sent.

I've taken to lurking around his place of employment, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Setting my watch to his schedule just so I can "pop up" and see him.

And what was the cause of this stalking? Not a cute smile. Not enchanting conversation. Hell not even the hopes of selling me a dream and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

It was the fucking tv show "Lost"

My new freaking addiction!

I swear I know I am like years late on hopping on this show. I mean I scoffed hard as hell when I first heard about the premise of the show.

People on a desert island? The hell is this...Gilligan's Island: The New Years or something?

When people chatted aimlessly I ignored it. Sure the stars were in my trashy tabloid magazines but since I didn't watch the show, I didn't really care about them.

Shit they bumped Angelina and Brad off the cover for Matthew Fox?! Are they mad?!

Now I'll admit my tv watching have decreased signficantly over the years. I used to watch tv from sun up to sun down. Nothing but videos, a few tv show scattered here and there and wrestling. I used to be all up on any new show or video that made it's appearance on tv.

I scheduled everything around tv shows. I'll be damned if I miss wrestling on Mondays, Wednesday and Thursday. Me miss a Thursday night Smackdown was a cause of concern back in the day.

Now..I'm lucky if I see a new video in a month and 95% of the shows on tv I have no idea what they're about nor am I interested to find out. Now I know about the stars of these shows for the most part but I couldn't even tell you what the fonts on the title look like.

So sadly I dismissed "Lost". Let 3 complete seasons slip through my nimble fingers.

Until one day...

After a solid two weeks of begging, prodding and threatening...I went to the video store and rented the entire 1st season of "Lost". Initially I was going to watch maybe the 1st DVD just to say I watched it and I didn't like it blah blah blah.

Boy was I wrong...I sat up and watched Discs 1, 2 and 3 before sleep drove me to the bed and even then I was sleepily trying to pop in Disc 4. I mean I didn't get up to use the potty, take a sip or water, answer a phone call...nothing...while the disc was going on.

...that doesn't mean I didn't stalk people though. Every 5 or 10 minutes I was on my phone frantically texting and asking questions. I got a lot of laughs and "watch the show".

Not satisfied with those answers...I stepped my stalking up ten fold. Even now as I"m typing believe every 2 seconds I'm begging for an IM response.

This is so fucking a damn co worker over a tv show.

I mean if he would just answer my phone calls this would make it all better but no see I gotta get him on the work phone and do you know he had the nerve to tell them to stop transferring my phone calls to him?!

The very nerve!

I mean...I just wanna love "Lost" 'tis all. Is that so much to ask?

*off to send the 100th text I have sent since 6:07pm*