Sunday, November 02, 2008

Halloween Partying

Although I almost froze to death Halloween night, I had a good time.

After greasing myself into my costume, we took a few shots & it was out the door.

Ah to pre-game like it's 2003...Took Us Back....

Back to when it wasn't a recession *lol*

We wanted to get nice and loose so we wouldn't have to pay $10+ at the bar for drinks.

Instead of hitting our usual clubs, we decided to stick to Georgetown this year. Funny enough, I work right across the bridge from Georgetown yet I rarely go into Georgetown.

Traffic, of course, was a mess so we parked at my job & walked across the bridge.

The VERY cold walk across the bridge.

I swear by the time we crossed the bridge, my cheeks were frozen. And by cheeks, I mean ass cheeks.

Fishnets does not protect against the cold.

After being molested for the three block walk by all sort of characters, we slipped inside of the spot "Modern" doors.

It was hot, packed, and full of....um some interesting costumes.

Of course there were a few "Joe the Plumber", "Sarah Palin", "Obama" & "McCain" costumes. Two guys even had business suits with "Ex Lehman Brother executive...Will work for beer"

Plenty of Jokers- The "Heath Ledger" & "Jim Carey" version

One guy even had a realistic Harvey Dent/2 face mask. Startled me the first time I saw it.

And of course ladies were out in full skanktastic glory...yours included. Although I did wear flats so my ass wasn't sitting as high as everyone else lol.

We drank, danced, talked a lot of shit about other people's costumes, and fought off advances...from Men AND women.

Hubby got a little uncomfortable because he was dressed as a convict & this girl dressed as an officer was his official stalker the entire night. I think she was watching him from the corner & when he moved, so did she.

He claimed I provoked her into being an overbearing flirt. I blamed the alcohol that was pouring out of her pores.

Some girl tweaked my nipple and had the nerve to wink. Arms remained crossed the entire night.

I felt so violated. And I'm like how the hell could she find my nipple considered I was suctioned down in the corset, a strapless bra & double sided tape?!

Yeah...when you don't have the breasts, you have to improvise. The corset was literally sagging before I put on the bra and even then I still had to hold it up with the tape.

*sigh* Just when I think I've gotten over the fact that I won't be blessed by the "Titty Fairy" any time soon, it's always something that pulls me back.

Not to mention I almost lost my bunny tail about 3 good times.

I had to kill a dance because dude was poking through his costume & I was not amused. I'm like I did not want to touch my tail later on & it comes back soaked. It is just a puff of cotton.

Then it was almost yanked off by some guy trying to get my attention.

Not a smart move.

Wasn't even rocking a real costume. Talking about he was a real "gangsta" so he was rocking the freshest of "hood attire".

I told him he must be a broke gangsta from the late 90s because no one I know rocks Coogi anymore.

Was Coogi from head to toe and just thought he was doing it.

I'm like look around we have dudes dressed as women, grown women in diapers and bibs and dude over there is a life size Tigger...you picked the wrong venue to try to be fresh & flashy.

And failing miserably.

He slunk somewhere in the corner and I didn't see him for the rest of the night.

After wearing ourselves out on the dance floor, we decided to grab a bite to eat & head home.

It took 3 restaurants before we finally found something that wasn't completely packed full of drunken party goers.

I don't even remember hitting the bed. I remembered waking up with the cat in my face and the alarm blaring.

Hubby & I lazed around for the rest of the day, went to the movies to see "Zack & Miri Make A Porno" and went to another costume party.

Yeah I know...the Day AFTER Halloween.

It was pretty damn cool...it was a house party, live band, plenty of booze. We drank a bit and then came home.

All in all a pretty decent weekend.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Bachlorette Party

Naturally this is an old story...And if you see any pictures on face book...That is NOT me :)

So the Friday before I'm dragged down the aisle to my doom...my friends decide to throw me a Bachlorette Party...

By this time in the month, my nerves are shot, I've been updating the guest list daily, barking orders on the phone, running all over Chicago looking for white shoes for the flower girls, & delegating tasks like crazy only to find out they weren't getting done when I wanted them to get done, causing me to spaz out in public.

A mild Bridezilla by my definition *lol*

Our guest list went from a modest 120 to 200+. I mean EVERY ONE RSVPed YES for the wedding! Not only was I shocked because who knew people loved wedding, but more importantly who knew Hubby & I had that many friends/loved ones who wanted to celebrate with us.

I think it was the 5 hour open bar that peaked interest but nonetheless we were surprised.

Even more surprised because the room we reserved held 150 MAX.

So for three weeks we were wheeling & dealing trying to find a way to bring down the numbers. And of course fielding phone calls from people who STILL wanted to come.

At that point I was like "Guys Ebony/Jet/Essence/US Weekly/Chicago Sun Times are NOT coming to cover this wedding. It's a simple damn affair...who do you think I'm marrying...The Prince of Zamunda?!"

So by that Friday I was sooo not interested in going out. I was interested in getting 8 hours of sleep for the 1st time in weeks.

Ok although Hubby & I had a mild spat that day because he didn't pick up my nephew's tux when he picked his tux up. He said he forgot & he'll go back but by that time the place was closed & he was having his bachelor's party that night & I knew he'd be too hung over the next day to be of any use.

Of course he claimed he wouldn't be...which was a lie lol

I'm out once again on the hunt for white shoes. Not an impossible feat in Chicago but it was hard because while I found shoes easily for my niece, I couldn't find any shoes in my cousin's daughter size.

Sad to say the little girl is morbidly obese for her size. I've been telling my cousin feeding her daughter all those fatty high calorie foods isn't good for a child her age but naturally my cousin thinks cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, pizza puffs, and french fries not to mention soda is a great diet for a 2 year old.

We got into the other day because I told her there was no way I should've been buying a size 6 dress for a damn 2 year old!

My other niece is damn near 5 years old and can't even fit a size 6 dress!

It was hard enough finding matching dresses for them because the two girls are so different in size but it was bad enough to tell people for two 2 year old girls...I need a 2T and a 6.

So of course my cousin tried to hit me with that "Tyra Show" bullshit on how she's not trying to limit her daughter's size and everyone isn't meant to be a size 2...yada yada...we're not talking about a 15 year old...we're talking about a damn 2 year old!

So that was a war within itself and I'm trying to find a size 9/10 in little girls to fit her daughter's feet.

I'm clear across town when I get the phone that I need to be dressed and ready by 5:30.

It was close to 5 at that time and I'm at least 30 minutes away from home not to mention I would still have to shower and get dressed.

So that was an argument because I told my girl I was out shopping, wasn't going to break my neck to get home and why call me at the last minute when someone could have called me early in the day.

Basically I got the threat of bodily harm and a dial tone.

So I grabbed up the 1st pair of white shoes and hi-tailed it home.

By 6pm I was ready...Why did these hoes not show up until almost 7:30?!

You know I was tooooooo mad. So that was a bitch fest in front of the house.

Not to mention...I'm hungry as fuck. Haven't eaten anything since the morning.

This later became my downfall.

So I'm begging for them to stop somewhere so I can at least grab a medium fry or something because I saw all the various alcohol bottles in the car and knew what time it was...

Hoes all like we're already late...we'll get you something when we get there.

We get to the hotel, check in and let the games begin.

Everyone wants me to take a shot of this, a shot of that...why you babysitting that drink...drink some of this...pour more of that...

Basically plowing me with liquor.

Truth be told while I can hold my liquor, I don't really like to drink any alcohol straight. I can mix it up with something but drinking too much alcohol straight is a cause for trouble.

And since I was getting hit with so many differnt kinds...ummmm yeah

By the time we stumbled out the hotel to the strip club....I was drunk as fuck.

I really can't tell you much of what happened after we got in the club but the oh so incriminating pictures tell all.

Allegely after they stuffed some pizza AND more drinks in me:

1. The stripper just about did everything but fuck me...I mean I've never seen so much of my bare ass in my life...on camera. I knew I should've worn pants instead of the slinky purple number I wore

2. Various nips shots...including me flashing the crowd

3. Dancing on tables like I'm Paris Hilton...thankfully no crotch shots

4. Chugging alcohol...although my friends at this point tried to stop me because

5. I threw up on the stripper....and we were promptly ushered out

6. I threw up all up and down the street...opened the car while we were on the expressway to throw up more...probably wouldve fell out the car if someone didn't put me in a seat belt

7. Drunkenly cursed out some guys at the gas station...apparently they were laughing at me throwing up **according to friends, I woke up after I passed out mid sentence for the 5th time time and just started cursing out the dudes...at least my best friend *maid of honor* had the curtesy to wipe the throw up from the corners of my mouth**

8. Begged and pleaded for a subway sandwich only to pass out mid biting...in the sandwich.

Tell me why later on that night one of those damn broads ate my damn sandwich?! I vaguely remembered that sandwich so when I woke up the next day I'm like where's my sandwich....Oh G I kinda killed it..I thought you wouldn't remember...I was too hot!

9. Tried to get out the car to go into another club. Thank god for the seat belt I couldn't get loose and then cursed my friends out for not helping me.

I guess at some point after that I passed out for good and wouldn't wake up.

It took all 6 of them to get me out the car and back up to the hotel room because I was knocked out.

I got dubbed Harriet Tubman because at some point I took my shoes off and the bottom of my feet was black *oh yes it's pictures of that too* and one of my friends joked that it looked like I was walking through the Underground Railroad.

So basically I was drunk and passed out before midnight.

They "tried" for an hour to wake me up and when it was clean I wasn't up to it...they left my black ass in the room and finished my bachelorette's bar crawl.

It took me 4 days to shake that alcohol off. I was still hung over Saturday while getting my hair & nails done. I was so weak I had to sit down every 5 minutes. Oh and let's not get on the drunken texts I sent out to various people. Luckily my phone locked and I was too drunk to figure out the password.

Sunday was the wedding and while Hubby & I wasn't drunk, we barely touched any of the food & drinks. Of course a lot of our guests took full advantage of the bar. We drunk water and avoid our paparazzi family members *lol*

Crazy enough...My wedding day was perfect. My only two gripe was we started 15 minutes late. We started at 11:15 instead of 11:00. The florist also was 20 minutes late. She said she'll have my flowers at the place by 9:30, she came almost close to 10. For fake flowers...she did an excellent job. My bouquet was perfect.

Day was perfect **hot as all get out...We quickly took those outside pics and escaped to the inside**, while the food wasn't spectacular, it was delicious. Everyone enjoyed the food & was in love with the cake. I'm sure we threw the bakery a lot of new business.

I thought so much stuff would go bad at the wedding, and although we did have plenty of uninvited guests (no ex boyfriends or girlfriends), some people didn't show up *the main ones begging for an invite by the way*. We had got the list down to like 182...every seat was filled.

Even now I can't find anything wrong. Although I'm dreading the video. His brother *best man* is still editing it for us & he's like...ummm yeah yall have some interesting friends.

Embarrassing speeches aside and the fact the cousin that I can't stand damn near knocked everyone over for the bouquet...including me...We had a great time BUT we were glad when it was over...especially me since I refused slippers for the reception because I was determined to wear those heels for the duration of the day...I was so glad to slide up outta those shoes!!

Word of advice: Bring socks or slippers!

Of course Mom-zilla was grumbling about the people showing up & the amount of left over cake (which I'm not even going to tell how my mama took that cake home and they ate up every single last piece in 1 day....there was like 25 slices of cake left over...all of it gone when I was rudely dragged from the hotel on Monday for some family BS) but Hubby & I saw basically every seat filled and oh well if people didn't show up. We had a blast!

And I am so serious when I say Wedding Night...Hubby & I were knocked out by 8:00pm.

Apparently he passed out in the chair after the 2nd stripper & had to be de-toxed in the shower.

Match made in heaven :)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is It Really Almost November?! Dang I'm Late...

Damn it's been so long since I've written...forgotten my own damn password.

Honestly, nothing has been up.

Work has been throwing a serious monkey wrench in my social life.

Especially since I'm working nights because NO ONE will work with the bitch from hell, leaving me to work with her because I can "tolerate" her.

"More like threaten to bust her knee caps in the parking garage so shut the f*ck up talking to me and stay at your station" is more like it.

When I do go out, I find myself checking my phone more & more to see what time it is so I can go home & watch "Toon Disney". I went out a couple of weeks ago and damn near fell asleep in the club.

AFTER flashing the ring about 100 times. I thought a wedding band would repel men, seems like they're attracted to it like moths to light.

One guy had the nerve to get mad talking about "you teasing niggaz by being in the club married & shit. What type of shit is that?"

I mean he had the insulted face & everything. Like I was doing him a disservice or something by being married and out having a good time.

If I didn't pay $10 for a Patron Martini...I would've tossed it in his face. OK if the bouncer wasn't eyeing me, I would've tossed it in his face.

And yes...we later got tossed out the club on something totally unrelated.

I just told him the husband forgot to chain me up in the linen closet & I managed to escape for the evening. I mean I was chained to the stove earlier but he realized he should've glued me to the microwave instead so no one ate dinner that night.

*gasp* Is this what happens when you turn 25? Am I officially too damn old for the club?!

I know I'm not too old to squeeze in my Halloween costume from last year and take to the streets I know that for sure.

Although I'm considering changing my costume. Not because I'm married now **I swear if one more person ask me how is married life...I'm going to bust that person in the eye. We've been dating for SIX years, living in sin together *lol* for THREE...I mean we're not fresh off the block people...and if I have to drag those wedding albums to ONE more place...I'm going to scream!!"** but because it's cold as hell out!

Last year it was a balmy evening so warm I worked up a sweat walking from the car to the club.

This year...Hell it's cold at night!

Not Chicago cold of course...but cold enough!

I already under-dress as it is. I mean short sleeves all year, thin coats & jackets, barely a hat or scarf to be seen in my clothing inventory...but this year I might actually have to buy winter gear.

You already know the Timbs are going to match the coat *lol*

And now since people are eyeing my uterus like it's the last piece of cheesecake in the fridge...I especially have to dress warm *rolls eyes*

You know my grandmother had the nerve to tell me I need to wear a longer coat because my eggs are probably freezing?!

I'm like the only eggs that are freezing are the ones in this bag if you don't let me in the house!

Babies are at least 3-4....10 years off in the future.

I'm not in any hurry to have a baby. I can coo at my friends' kids on face book.

Every since "the big day" (their words, not mine...I'm always like "What Big Day"..."Your Wedding Day silly"..."oh"...goes back to reading magazine") every month without fail...."Are you pregnant yet?"

I mean I'm thinking of taking people to HR for invasion of Uterus Privacy.

It's bad enough...Ok this is really my fault because I was dead ass wrong for coming out in that t shirt but I'm in denial about my weight right now. Thank god for flu season..I'm guaranteed to not only catch it (flu shot or not, I think I'm being injected with water) but I'll lose a cool 10-20 lbs. guarantee *lol*

So Hubby & I found this new soul food spot not to far from the house (oh yeah...we moved again...beginning of October...that's a long story within itself) and I mean food is slamming. Best soul food I've eaten since moving to the DC Metro Area.

Now I'm stuffing my face, of course acquiring a Buddha belly, because I couldn't help myself. Food is, like, my weakness. So I'm struggling to get out the booth, Hubby has to damn near grease me out the booth, and we're leaving.

Why did the cashier stop me & tell me congratulations while looking at my belly?

I look down...belly all poked out, navel ring giving the impression of an outie, I look like I'm at least in my 2ND trimester.

Hubby, showing naturally the humor that kept him around for 6 years, starts laughing.

I snap, "I'm NOT pregnant. I'm just fat" and storm out the door.

OK now it's a big joke but I mean a sista was devastated.

So...back on a diet.

I'm glad I sprung for a good Halloween costume otherwise I'd look like that overfed bunny that just sits lazily in the cage.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I'll Be Posting Real Soon...I Promise

Thanks to numerous attempts of putting me on blast *ahem* Thic I'm staring right at you

I'll be back to blogging pretty soon. I'm still in Chicago recovering from the bachelorette's party & the wedding. Currently I'm stalking Facebook making sure none of my friends put up any of the incriminating pictures from the bachelorette's party.

The party I lasted until about 11pm because I got wasted and passed the fuck out thanks to them. The one where I probably threw up my lung on the stripper. The party where I suspect I got us tossed out of due to my over the top drunken behavior.

I saw the pics and ummmm yeah they ain't pretty.

I'll let the wedding pics speak for themselves. What can I say, the day went perfectly, everyone had a fantastic time, everyone looked great, not to many melt down moments...oh there were a few but real minor. I didn't have to whoop some ass in my wedding dress. No vaseline and updo braided to the back.

There are some on Facebook **To all my facebook friends who knows my gov'ment name** so you can look at those for the time being. See me in my cute dress that everyone thought was "so unique" while I rolled my eyes as the stalkerazzi family swarmed around us demanding pictures, poses, kisses. I ain't playing, I have scratches all on my arm from folks yanking me from one end of the room to another for pictures. Most will probably end up on facebook anyway. I haven't logged on to that flickr thing in so long I don't think I have the password anymore.

But hold your horses, in the next week or so, I'll be back.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Ode To My Grandmother

My trip to Chicago over the Memorials' Day weekend was going pretty well.

Kicked it with my friends. Paid for the wedding cake. FINALLY got bridesmaids dresses out the way, I won't even mention the fact that it took over 3 hours to find something for every single girl, even got the last of the addresses for the family.

Life was going pretty well. Really just a standard long weekend for me when I do blow into town.

Then...

Sunday night. I'm out kicking it in the streets, my friends and I chatting it up over dancing and Patron shots. My last night in Chicago until I come back for the wedding. Chants of "We're going to get T fucked up".

Plans of club hopping, showing me the new "hot" spots in the Chi, plans of coming home long enough to grab my bags and jet to the airport.

Don't know what really made me dig in my purse but when I did...it was my mother calling.

Weird. Wonder what she wants, esp. since she's blown up my phone since 11:00pm

Rolling my eyes thinking it's something stupid, I mean my mother has called me before asking where did she place her pantyhose...when I live in Virginia.

I pick up...and honestly, my world crumbles.

I have to get to the hospital...my grandmother isn't breathing.

Not my grandmother...what?! huh? I just spoke to earlier that day! She was fine! Joking and laughing with me while I teased her about her ancient phone book with the pages missing and only she can decipher.

Not breathing? Surely my mother is joking....but her tone tells me otherwise.

I guess I get hysterical because next thing I know one of my friends is ushering me down the street away from the prying eyes of the crowd.

Hands in my hair, arms wrapped around me, soothing words in my ear. My grandmother is going to be just fine. I'll get to the hospital, she'll be in intensive care or something yet still alive and well.


I called Hubbs, probably sounding hysterical and babbling like an idiot, funny enough, I called him for a ride to the hospital. My girls of course offered but I was like nah, go on and kick it. Don't let me be the party pooper.

And I knew he could get me to the hospital the quickest. We're talking about a man who once made a 90 mile trip in 15 minutes when my rental car flipped over on the road over 3 years ago.

He's in shock. I'm in shock. All I'm thinking about is getting to the hospital and being with my grandmother. Praying that she is alive. Praying that God wouldn't be so cruel to take one of the last few good person of this world. Praying he wouldn't be so cruel to take someone near and dear, someone who I love more than life itself, someone who I've spoken on the phone with hours earlier- away from me.

He must not have been in the listening mood.

My grandmother was already gone when I burst into the door 20 minutes later, hubby trailing after me, no shoes as I kicked them off in the car, feet cold and muddy.

...And I just lost it.

My grandmother, my sweet grandmother, just lying there.

It's like my brain still haven't wrapped around this. I can't even write this without tears clouding my vision.

I don't think anyone, not even me, realize how much I loved that woman. How much my heart is broken. How there is a huge void in my heart that I don't think will heal anytime soon. My grandmother was supposed to live until 119. Not 68 years old. Not in the prime of her life, not when I still need her. She was 1/2 of my world, the other 1/2 reserved for my mother.

It's like the past week or so I've been in a daze. I've been agigated, bottled up tight. I don't want sympathetic words! I don't want to hear the "Oh she's in a better place", "God doesn't make mistakes", "You and your family are in my prayers", "The hurt goes away..." etc.

I want my fucking grandmother!

The same woman that I saw that Saturday making taco salad when I dashed in to get my wedding dress. The same woman whose cheeks I kissed before I ran out the door, never stopping to look back because she's always been there. The woman who I wasn't done loving and needing in my life.

I haven't slept, my family sent me back home that Monday stating that my presence wasn't "needed" *no malice, apparently I was two seconds from being sedated at the hospital" and I needed to be far away to relax, to reflect...to accept, away from the curious eyes of well wishers, esp. since I went hysterical on a family member who tried to ask me about my upcoming wedding, I guess to get my mind off of my grandmother, and I went crazy-like I give a fuck about a wedding right now.

At work I was just in a daze. Didn't really talk to anyone, folks just gave me a wide berth. I guess I gave enough murderous gazes to anyone who dared stepped forward with some type of generic sympathy.

I had to walk out to prevent myself from taking my anger, my frustration, my grief out of others, I've had to abruptly hang up phones, cut off text messages, just isolate myself from others. I couldn't even make the phone calls to my friends to let them know of the funeral arrangements. I couldn't just form the words to say I have to bury my grandmother.

I've heard whispers in the family that I'm wrong to have completely shut myself away from the world. She was their mother, their grandmother too. They're hurting as well and we need to stick together to get over this, lord know my grandmother held our dysfunctional family together. I just couldn't be around the family.

I know it's probably not healthy. I refused to call people, take phone calls, or even associate with most of the family. I mainly did any talking late at night...around 3-4am when I was up looking at the ceiling, my aunt or cousins calling me...calling Hubbs discreetly...to make sure I haven't threw myself through the window.

I flew back in town on Sunday...this time it wasn't such a joyous occasion. During the flight I prayed my plane would go down so that I can be with my grandmother.

He wasn't listening that day either.

It was weird coming back to Chicago and it wasn't something I looked forward to. When my grandmother's car pulled up at the airport it was weird not to see her smiling face in the driver's seat. I hesitated to get in the car.

I hesitate when "Grandma" shows up on my caller id...knowing it's not her but my aunt or my cousin.

I hesitated to walk into the funeral home, after having one of three breakdowns prior to the funeral. Had to be coaxed into the limo. Had to be coaxed into the funeral home.

Touched her face one last time before they shut the coffin. Couldn't tell you three words spoken during the funeral.

Had to look away when they lowered her into the ground. That was it. Officially she's never coming back except in my dreams and memories.

I loved her. And I know she loved me.

I know it's probably not healthy. I just can't shake my overwhelming grief. I can't help but replay and scrutinize everything from that weekend. Maybe it's the guilt that I feel, I usually always see her when I come to Chicago, make it a point to spend time with my grandmother, to wrap myself in her tiny arms and thank the stars that I have someone like her in my life. This time, so consumed with wedding stuff, I saw her for about 15 minutes in person and maybe a 15 minute phone conversation while I in town.

I know it'll take time but right now I just can't write. It was a struggle just to write this. I can't say when I'll fully come back to the blog world I don't think it'll be anytime soon.

When I say my grandmother was the sweetest person you would ever have met, I mean that. She was a breathe of fresh air in my cynical world.

I'm going to miss her.

RIP Mrs. Saundra Jean Lawshea
April 26, 1940--May 26, 2008

Monday, May 19, 2008

I Sux As A Friend...

You know it really irks me when I give deadlines and like, no one, replies. You would think with emails, IM, and Facebook *Myspace is the devil* I could get some mailing addresses! Folks be hording those like I'm about to send them bills or something.

Well....plus side is it did just majorly cut my guest list, which I was trying to do. We went from 90 to 150 to 280!!! back down to about 155.

I'm like who and the FUCK do people think I'm marrying...The Prince of Zamunda?

So just like the emails, IM, Facebook chats, and Facebook messages that went unanswered...I had to send another one to all the folks who DIDN'T reply to let them know they're off the guest list and are not expected to show up.

Stamps are too expensive to be playing around.

TWIN is jerking us around with her wedding. I mean she is literally not answering ANY phone calls.

She already told us it's too late to order dresses and her future mother in law is now making them and she wants our measurement.

Then when we call with the measurements *and a lot of skepticism...I'm like shouldn't she do a fitting or something rather than just go on our measurements...and we don't know what these surprise dresses look like...she's my best friend and I love her, will wear a trash bag if I have to...but even I have a limit to what style of trash bags I will rock" she doesn't even pick up.

I'm like damn do you even want to be married? Is this a low key sabotage way of doing it? I already told her she is not doing the "leaving the guy at the alter" thing. Not if I'm already standing up front in a trash bag.

And I think the dude is low key crazy anyway. Who's to say he won't hunt us *yes us I mean we're going to have to run out after her and possibly drive the get away car* down at the local Marriott and kill us?

I've long suspected he's brainwashed my best friend and is part of a cult.

Then...I feel like such a piece of shit. Did you know my best friend/roomie all through college had a baby and I HAD NO IDEA?!

I mean I heard a rumor a couple of months ago from a vague Facebook associate but I brushed it off, I mean sure I've been, like, the worst friend but I mean I would at least get a baby shower invite if that was the case right? A phone call being that my cell phone number hasn't changed in years. I'm one of the few friends who paid their phone bills almost religiously and haven't switched providers when my bill reached $300+ like underwear.

We spoke on the phone for like an hour after I had to stalk her little sister *again via Facebook* for the house AND cell number. At least after two messages, her sister gave me the phone number with no problems.

Folks act like I'm a bill collector or something.

I'm starting to think people are avoiding me like the plague.

I all but demanded every single detail of her life from the past...I think it's been about 3 or 4 years since we've really spoken and at least the baby is not by the loser she dated in college.

I mean I rather she dry hump a bum than procreate with that nigga. I hope he's in the gutter somewhere...seriously.

But damn if I don't feel like a low ass dog. Of course she's as sweet as she's always been and didn't comment on the fact that I'm a shitty ass friend.

But *hangs head* I am.

I really need to work on my communication skills with my friends. It's like if I don't text someone, I don't talk to anyone.

This coming from a girl whose phone stayed glued to her ear most of elementary school, 1/2 of high school, and my main source of communication in college...until texting took over.

Well I am going to Chicago starting on Wednesday. We're kicking it then. But still...I still feel so low.

Shoot I need future baby sitters lol

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Keep The Party Going....

The party began around 11:30p May 09,2008 and kept on going...

My legendary run of getting tossed out of bars and lounges on and around my birthday, so drunk I have to be tossed over some one's shoulder, usually all forms of ass on display, and carried to the car, praying to the porcelain god the minute I make it home, praying to God promising *and thus breaking said promise the very next day* if he just let me live just ONE more night, I'll NEVER drink again. Waking up either still hugging the toilet, face inches from toilet water or in the tub, face pressed to the rubber mat.

....was broken.

Sure I got drunk BUT I maintained my composure.

I have renewed my dislike of the tequila though. Patron is manufactured by the devil.

Thanks for all the birthday wishes :) Although folks *side eye T Cas* had plenty of jokes about me not blogging until Nevuary 31st, ah ha I have been blogging

so there lol

AND the day after my birthday too!!

Check out some of the pictures of me in my drunken, yet sexy-yeah I can be a sexy drunk-glory.

My friends are on the devil's payroll










Thursday, May 08, 2008

Moving On Up....

It took all of Tuesday but finally we’re all moved into the new place. It looks much nicer now that our stuff is in there. We have a great view...of office buildings lol

We're right across the street from the metro though.

And the non roach infested IHOP, I was boycotting IHOP for a nice minute, is around the corner. However, I'm trying to remember if that's the one I'm banned from. I know my services are no longer accepted at one of these IHOPs.

I'm really going to have to working on my anger management issues over the proper display of a waffle.

And I have a cute WB neighbor. Hmmm I might have to go next door for a cup of sugar *lol*

I am still tired as shit. You never realized how much crap you have until it’s time to unpack. We moved stuff on our own until 4am, took a quick nap, and woke up for the movers at 9am. Everything was moved by 1pm and I unpacked and moved things around until around 6pm.

I can not have boxes just lying around for weeks. I HAVE to get everything out of the boxes and in its proper place before I fall asleep.

I won’t trip on how my raggedy as shit Hello Kitty shrine fell apart in the mover’s hand so my treasured collection is stashed in the bin until I can get another shelf.

Not the fault of the mover’s, they were pretty cool Russian dudes; it was just bad ass craftsmanship. We bought it for cheap at a yard sale *I love those* and it basically one of these “do it yourself” assembly kits where you end up with more screws than you should have but you’re tired and you’re just like “fuck it…it’ll hold” and you just go about your business.

It held up pretty well…well at least for two years lol

Strangely enough, I can’t paint worth shit, couldn’t draw, hell walk, a straight line to save my life…but I know how to take stuff apart and put it back together WITHOUT directions. I actually like to build stuff.

Yes I consider that a talent lol

Yesterday after debating with Comcast...ummm yeah 1:30pm is not the same as 12 noon...and this is after they tried to do me and I had to get into an argument with one of their customer service reps...It does not take a week to come over and flip a switch in the basement esp. when the last time we moved, I gave a 24hr notice of transferring service and a guy came out the next day *of couse after telling the guy that he "found" a time slot...I was not waiting until the 13th for cable...and still charge me for the whole month

Stupid building is locked into a Comcast contract so I'm stuck with their service yet again.

Oh and today..there would be a shortage in my neighborhood :) Gotta love it right?

Now after changing my addresses, I FINALLY ordered the invites *sigh 200 of them bad boys* and some of the ceremony, reception stuff and it should be arriving shortly.

I am so clapping myself on the back right now. Once those bad boys are sent out, I don’t have to really worry about them again to July when I’m either stalking people to fill out the RSVP cards…or saying fuck it you’re no longer invites…read the directions!!

I mean I still have to spend part of Saturday looking for a lilac bridesmaids dress not to mention get my hair done, because I know it’s time for a relaxer when white folks stop telling me my hair looks “nice”, and still manage to go out drinking and partying.

Oh yes quarter of a century old…I sure don’t feel it.

Apparently I still don’t look it…I got carded the other day.

It was a minor annoyance, I mean I know I must have looked as if I wandered in from underneath a bridge, but I guess if I still can pass for someone under the age of 21…that’s semi good right?

Or maybe I was just that frightful looking. Especially since these two mountains decided to pop up on my face. I really need to leave the OJ alone. Too much OJ equals breakouts. I mean these bad boys are winking at me every time I look in the mirror. Each one fighting for attention.

I hate breakouts with a passion.

I’ve been drowning them in acne medication and drinking nothing but water. *sigh*

I think I’m too old for this lol

Wow just two days until my birthday

I am eagerly awaiting my birthday gifts

Happy times indeed

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Had To Dust The Ol' Keyboard Off....

*hangs head*

I know…I’m such a loser

I’ve avoided my own blog like a bill collector

See what had happened was…

*lol*

Man between moving to a new apartment *sigh* which is NOT fun by the way. Especially since we were given less than a week’s notice.

And NO we were not evicted *lol*

I only get ejected from clubs and lounges and not apartments.

You can imagine the jokes though. Folks were like “Damn T, I knew yall were planning on having little to no debt planning the wedding but damn pay your bills…”

But um yeah…the cost of getting free rent means moving when the Future Hubby job requires it.

We’ve had a good 2 year run in Crystal City but it’s time for us to move on.

Wedding plans are slamming me left and right.

Just when I was going to FINALLY order these damn invites…we got hit with the move so that’s temporarily on hold until the end of the week.

BUT regardless they are going out at the end of the month.

I have to have my bridesmaids dresses ordered by at least the 1st of June to assure they will be ready in time for the wedding…serious Bridezilla time.

I mean I hate to be that type of bitch folks grumble about under their breathe…but come on now…do you really think you’re going to drop 20 lbs by the wedding and you live on Harold’s Chicken and pizza puffs?

Complete with extra mild sauce on the side.

Girl Bye.

Granted I have this stubborn 10 lbs that refuse to budge but I’m optimistic not delusional.

So Memorial’s Day there’s going to be fireworks all right. Time for me to seriously put some pep on some asses.

At least my best friend/maid of honor has her dress.

And while I’m talking about bad ass bridesmaids *hangs head* I haven’t even looked at a bridesmaid dress for TWIN’s wedding in June.

I’m going to fuck around and end up stuck with some horrid lilac dress from David’s Bridal and demand that all of the pictures that I am in have someone in front of me.

So wedding plans have pretty much consumed me outside of work, I’m constantly trolling the internet for deals, on the phones demanding why I can’t have a certain number/color, griping about the price of flowers, etc.

Since my Ivory at work has left me, his Ebony…I’m now in charge of my own department.

*dry ass clap*

Shit is NOT the business. Every day I go in debating about the budget, over time, schedules, petty ass squabbles, etc.

Meetings that I now can’t get out of, meetings where I now have to participate instead of texting or worse, falling asleep in the back.

I *gasp* actually have to dress up for work. No more halters and sweat suits when the Big Cheeses are off property.

I have to actually wear thongs at work to prevent panty lines. I hate thongs with a passion. A big ass in a thong doesn’t equal comfort. Just because you can’t see the string between the cheeks does not mean shit is all good.

And those so-called seamless panties do not work…or at least not on my ass.

I’m not bold enough yet to go commando all day because it’ll be just like me to rip hole in my pants or my skirt blow up with some mysterious wind and I flash my cooch to everyone in sight.

I mean people have seen enough of my crack for days but I gotta keep some parts intimate ya know? Lord knows the number of unintentional boob slippages I have had. You would think little titties would stay in place and remain in my skimpy tops.

Thank god for double sided tape.

I mean I will slip that thong off about 20 minutes before I leave to go home but that’s as far as I will go for now.

And even then I feel mad uncomfortable, like people are staring at my lower regions.
…or worse I’m rocking a camel toe.

So…yeah…I guess I’m back

I really shouldn’t stay away for so long

The countdown has now officially begun…

Now only am I hitting the big 2-5 on Saturday

My lost of freedom *smile* starts August 31, 2008

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Le *Sigh*

Monday I should be back to my semi blogging schedule

Working 40+ hours a week is no joke.

I'm still around...just no time to blog and comment

I'll holla

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Dang Yall Nosy lol....

Pro asked
what is it again that you do to earn enough money to cover your cell phone bill with the way the economy is these days?

Well as we all know, my ill-fated career as a stripper was cruelly cut short when I fell off the pole during auditions. I would like to note it wasn’t really my fault I couldn’t help it if I overly febreezed and bleached the pole, thus shattering my dreams of walking into the Acura dealership with my crumpled and slightly sweaty dollars bills and paying for my dream car in full.

Actually my phone bill is not as high as it used to be *damn those chatty friends on my day time minutes* and all the little add ons *text bundle plan, useless insurance, etc* is the crust of my phone bill. Before when I was a chatterbox on the phone and anti-text message *gasp can you imagine ME not loving texting* my phone bill was sky high…hence the ill fated attempt at stripping.

Now I’m content working as a Front Office Supervisor *Ise got power* for a major hotel chain. Ok well not content in the least but hey it pays the bills. And did I mention the power? You know I’m a whore for power.

*cue close up of infamous couch and sinister laugh*


Dejanae asked:
1where them wedding dress pics at?
2.how many people are invited?
3.got a wedding registry?
4.where's the honeymoon spot?


1. Girl right in that damn camera lol I am far too lazy to upload them. Geez putting me out on Front Street. I got yall….eventually.

2. Right now we’re hovering at 150-total. Trust we are not trying to feed every body and they mama. There’s currently a debate going on within the family because some folks call themselves being “slighted”. I haven’t seen you in over 20 years, have NO clue who you are, yet you want to come to the wedding?

3. I’ve opted out of doing a wedding registry. Although we love gifts as much as the next person, it’s not our thing. I won’t tell you how many stunned expressions we have received. I’m just leery of those things. I’m looking around our place and unless someone is going to come up off a new living room set, a flat screen TV, new entertainment centers…then we don’t need it. Shoot we still have the “paper plate” variety friends, what do I, Queen of Not Cooking and Being a Horrible Host, really need with crystal plates and china?

That’s the stuff I’m going to swipe from my grandmother when the times come for it *lol*

I’m still up in the air about a bachlorette party. I’m not too keen on the baby oil stripper with the freakishly long penis dry humping me, fucking up my club outfit with the baby oil, not to mention he might swing his dick the wrong way and smack me right in the eye. I like the strippers but I don’t like the strippers, feel me?

Plus my best friend put it, “Shit it’s not being a “Mrs.” is going to stop you from hitting the clubs, flirting, plotting for your 2nd husband…etc. Yall not the “ball and chain” couple anyway.”

So I may just party only with cute T-shirts and stuff. And since I LOOOVE to make up my own shit on t shirts, we’re playing with:

Whoda Thought SHE would be married?!

Temporarily Off the Market…But Still Accepting Applications

Don’t Worry…I’ll Be Divorced Soon…

Are YOU my 2nd Husband?

Bored Newly Wed Searching For Sexy UPS Man

…Yeah we’re just that retarded.

4. Currently that’s up in the air. Officially we’re going on our honey moon in December. Where…who knows? I want to go to Europe; he wants to go to the Islands. We’re probably going to flip a coin.


Charles asked:

Being boring sucks doesn't it? Nah I'm kidding...I'm not all that exciting either. But I was unaware that you're in VA until I read your profile...good ish. So what kind of work do you do exactly?

Outside of being a part time pervert and a full time smart ass, I find time to work for a major hotel, sexually harassing co-workers all while dodging HR and the cops *lol*

Actually I’m a Front Office Supervisor. A well earned promotion considering I was doing the job anyway for the free…


Dollface asked:

1.Are you staying in the area after you get married?
2.How long do you think you will be in debt because of this wedding...I saw that venue...NICE!!

3.Whatever happened to your 'mind twin'? She hasn't blogged in over a year!!


1. That’s our initial plan. Since he plans on pursuing a Ph.D, if he’s not accepted into anything in the DC/VA/MD area, we’ll probably be on the move again. He’s looking at schools in Texas, Illinois, California, and of course the area.

I’ve always said I wanted to move back to Chicago as soon as he finishes his Masters but the area has grown on me. I’m just along for the ride. Never thought I would move to the DC Metro area, let along enjoy it, but I have. I’m far from shunning my Chicago roots but I am quicker to say I’m from “Virginia” now and not “Illinois- Chicago to be exact”.

We’ll probably be in the area until we have kids and we’re on the first thing smoking back home to our mamas *lol*

2. Girl I am not even anticipating debt, at least nothing long term. We have a wedding account set up just for the wedding and that nest egg is looking might nice. Although if we paid for all of our groomsmen and bridesmaids *thank god for good sports* we would probably be substantial debt.

3. I know man, she’s hasn’t logged on to Yahoo in a minute, emails go unanswered…I miss my “mind twin” although when she comes out of hiding she knows she has a SERIOUS tongue lashing coming!!

Folks just can’t up and leave me like that *ahem Mr. Mack, I’m eyeing you too*, knowing I have bouts of extreme neediness.

Reading other people blogs and getting a glimpse into their lives makes me feel…I dunno like I’m not the only one out there with similar thoughts, or going through similar things. I dunno…makes me feel like I’m normal, ya know?

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Geez Am I Boring Or What....

I feel like such a loser

I have, like, nothing to talk about.

I mean spring is approaching, the pigeons in the parking garage are more in abundance *shudder* and the weather is getting better.

Invites are ordered. When I will actually receive them and mail them out is still up in the air.

Stupid job has blocked my ability to comment on blogs. YET I can still access porn sites *sigh*

And no I don't watch porn at work...anymore lol

And work is work. Not bad yet not good. Although one thing I hate about this promotion is the countless boring meetings I can't talk or charm my way out of. I've long stopped going to 95% of the meetings scheduled daily and for the most part it was like, eh...I'll just blow up her email with the minutes.

Trust I get countless irrelevant emails daily.

Now...it's like actual stalking to get me in meetings. Folks actually find me and drag me to meetings.

And...I can't even text during the shit!

Don't they know texting kept my head from sleepily banging the table as my theory is I think the mind numbing, painfully boring meetings are purposely scheduled after lunch knowing I have the "itis" after 12:30

But *sigh* no funny stories, adventures, or observations as of late.

I think I need to get out more.

But I always like when folks ask me stuff so...you know what that means

Yup...Open Forum *yet again*

Ask and ye shall receive...or something like that lol

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Dedication to Dej....

Courtesy of my girl Dej's blog...yeah yeah heff so what I'm a couple of days late

1.describe urself in three words
Goofy, Sarcastic, Stubborn

2.describe me in three words
Dej is hilarious, intelligent and blunt as hell

3.wat is a phrase you use often ?
Some variation of someone's name followed by....you stoopid
Shiiiiidddddddd
Seek therapy/treatment
Crack kill, you know?


4.have u ever done a family tree?
Not since elementary school. I think if I did one now I would "accidently" omit some folks from the family tree

5.when's the last time you went to a family reunion?
I went to JBN's last summer but an "official" one for my family...I think it was last year as well or maybe the year before that.

6. what's your favorite theme song?
I don't really pay attention to theme songs anymore but I get sorta excited when I hear Boondocks

7.the best cartoon ever?
Right now it's Boondocks hands down. I watch others of course but I heart Boondocks

8.your most prized possession?
I'm a packrat not to mention a secret sentamentialist *is that even a word lol* anything anyone who has ever given me something becomes a prized possession. I would run back into a burning home for my photo albums and massive Hello Kitty collection of course, but I'll also get the rug my moms gave me when I moved into my 1st apartment, bath towels that I swiped from my grandma that if I sniff deep enough I can still "smell" grandma's house, random trinkets, and my one hoop earring one of my closest friends gave me when I decided to start wearing jewelry again and I cried when I lost the other one

9. your favorite book?
I read so many I couldn't even tell you. I don't think I have one. I just have a lot that I never get tired of reading.

10.your favorite old school dance?
The cabbage patch and the Tom and Jerry hands down. Catch me when I'm drunk and I'll be working it out on the dance floor.

11. your favorite music video?
I've fallen out of favor with music videos, hell music in general lately, but "Thriller" naturally is one of my top videos of all time. I studied that video for weeks and I know the dance by heart. I won't tell you the performances I've forced people to watch shortly after I mastered the dance.

12. favorite villain?
Kevin Spacey in "Se7en", The Joker, Darth Vader, and Jigsaw hating ass are ones that popped in my head instantly. I kinda dig the bad guys in most movies anyway...that streak of evil lives strong in me

13.what's more entertaining flavor of love or i love new york??
Both shows are an embarrassment...which is why I continue to watch. Flav is more entertaining although his face isn't. Who doesn't like laughing at stupid, bust down skanks who is willing to "play like" someone who looks like something I crapped out when I was constipated.

14. how many people have you had sex with?
Geez Dej a lady doesn't reveal how many partners they've had...maybe tell you the number that's in the "He Doesn't Count" drawer...but never the real number *lol* I'm just going to say less than 10 but of course this may or may not include my "He Doesn't Count and I Will Fight To The Death Than Admit I Gave Him The Panties" drawer *wink wink*

15.where is the weirdest place you have ever had sex?
Weirdest place? The elevator...if you consider that weird. But I've also done the balcony, back seat of the car, public bathroom, slide at the park, park bench, and I did jag someone off on the train...but....mmmm nothing really "weird" I guess

16.what's the nicest thing you have ever done for a stranger?
When my icy hearts melt enough to beat *lol* I do randomly buy meals, give money, and help the elderly cross the street. There was a lady who lived around the corner from me who was handicapped I used to go to the grocery store for her and clean her apartment once a week for her. No cooking though, I wasn't trying to go to jail for poisoning the handicapped. I'm a pretty nice person although my demeanor screams "I'm an asshole" so I try to do something nice at least once a day.

I'm going to need all the good deeds I can to get in heaven lol


17.what is your biggest fear?
I would say my biggest fear is dying. I know we all have to do it, there's nothing I can do to avoid it but it still scares me. I guess it's more the questions I have about death than the actual dying part. OK and well I don't want to suffer or feel the life slipping out my body slowly. Like I want an instantaneous death or die in my sleep or something.

18.whats the worst thing you have ever done while drunk?
Ugh having sex with that asshole. Gin will make you sin.

19.what do you regret the most?
There's not too much that I regret in life. Maybe choosing a different route in college, redoing a couple of mistakes, listening more, etc.

20.what's the weirdest place you've ever been?
I don't think I've been anywhere weird.

21.have you ever had a threesome?
Not a sexual threesome...what type of person do you think I am?! However I have slept in the bed with more than three people before. FULLY clothed that is.

22.what's your funniest memory?
There's too many to choose from. I guess anything I blog about.

23.what's the meanest thing you've ever done to a friend?
Told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
If we're not talking the child hood push off the bike, nothing outside of being truthful and telling the whole harsh truth about a person or situation. I've hurt feelings, made a few friends cry and while I don't think I was being mean, making someone cry is pretty mean even if it wasn't intentional right?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I See "Divorce Court" In Our Future....

So the other day I'm walking and talking on my phone

Knowing damn well I can't do both *lol*

JBN is walking ahead of me, as usual, because of my tendency to do random clownish shit when we're in public. You know he tries to act like he doesn't know me.

I mean so what I randomly break into the "Thriller" dance *which I do sooo much better than Naomi who's presence was pretty pointless in that commerical** in the aisles of Wal-Mart.

Or I'm like one bike ride through the store away from being banned.

OK and I may have accidently knocked over a display or two while out shopping.

But I'm clumpy. So sue me.

By the time we got to the door I'm talking on the phone via speaker and texting someone so my head is down.

You would think my future husband would be a gentleman and hold the door open for me...But clearly I had mixed him up with some one else.

Why did this fool keep going...and why did I walk smack into the door...complete with the loud "thoink" noise?

I couldn't even play that one off...there was forehead grease all on the door and you know I was on super charged walking mode so I slammed into that bad boy hard as hell. Did a quick bounce back. Phone and purse hit the ground.

So you know folks are staring, I see snickering and a few chuckles in the check out lines.

And of course...retard mode...I'm so embarrassed I'm pushing on the door when I should be pulling *sigh* so now I'm look extra slow.

I finally slink in the door with my head down and hurry down the store.

Now you would think he would be waiting with a hug and an "aww poor baby", dang a kiss on the forehead...something...

What is this fool doing?

Laughing his ass off.

I would've thrown a bag of socks at him...But I didn't want to draw attention to myself *lol*

The nerve of that man!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Gross Stuff...

Disclaimer: All of this just randomly popped into my head.

1. I admit all the time that I am a lame…because well for the most part it’s the truth. One of my embarrassing little secrets is that I, for the most part, still wear shorts underneath my clothes when I’m on my period.

Why am I admitting this? I have no idea but I think it comes from a random phone conversation with TWIN and out the blue she asked did I still wear my lime green *shut up* biker shorts. Kinda shocked me because I thought that was one of my little secrets. Turns out everyone knew about my infamous biker shorts *lol* although they did disappear for a short while in college when I was on the shot.

Bleeding through my clothes have been a fear of mine since 13. I was the girl who always wore shorts underneath all of my dresses regardless of the length. A bad habit I didn’t really break until college.

*hangs head*

I was sooo mad at my mother when she tossed them out a couple of summers ago. I mean sure they were all bleached up, had holes all over the place, not to mention it got to the point where they were super tight *so sue me I had them since 13* but still…my little security blanket was gone.

I’ve moved away from the shorts and now rock dark bottoms but still…*sniff sniff* they’re gone.

2. In fact, unless it’s a tight fitting dress where I have no choice but to rock a thong, I wear boy shorts or something similar when I do wear a dress. 9/10 times the panties matches the color of the dress or skirt.

I hate wearing thongs. But I continuously buy them *lol* Wearing a thong makes me feel like I have a major wedgie not to mention the booty chafing I feel in jeans *lol* kinda ruins the experience for me. If it’s not on some sexy stuff because I know they’re on for less than 5 minutes, I avoid them.

3. I rather be caught bottomless than topless. Weird right?

4. I have strange nipples. I’m going to go ahead and blame the nipples rings but I think they fucked up my nipples.

Like now I have reached the stage where I feel so self conscious without a bra. Before a strapless bra was my worst enemy because one thing I love about having a small chest is the ability to go bra less. Any excuse not to wear a bra I took. In the summer I might have worn a bra three or four times the entire summer.

Now I can’t live without a strapless bra…partly because of my wayward nipples.
My nipples have the strange habit of getting hard…regardless of whether it’s hot or cold.

I mean it could be 95 degrees, sweat dripping down my back…and the head lights are on high beam.

And my high beams be waving like a mug. I’ve caught guys staring at my chest because the girls were waving.

And I already have an understanding of what they’re thinking…SEX SEX SEX

Like I’m some horny broad.

Ok well most of the time I am a horny broad but that’s not the point *lol*

I’m not trying to give anyone any ideas…or an excuse to stop me to holla.

So although my perky little boobs are begging for release…I’m always in a bra.

5. With that being said, outside of laundry day…I always wear panties. I can’t recall a day when I waltzed out with panties.

Must have to do with my mom’s belief that “only white girls do that nasty shit”.

Moms beat in my head to cover the cooch up. I mean heaven forbid if I get hit by a car and when they’re cutting my clothes away *gasp* I have no drawls on. I mean outside of not rocking clean undies…a cardinal sin in my family.

And unsightly camel toe *shudder* scares me. Like ew.

And no crotch shots from a camera phone over here.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sorry Guys...

Outside of work and *sigh* my "Lost" obsession although I am now fully caught up and ready to join the Thursday night world of "Leave Me The Fuck Alone At 9...Don't You Know Lost Is On"

I have the flu.

Yeah my ass fucked around and got that. The year I decide to not take the flu shot because I'm getting a little paranoid on what doctors are injecting in my body.

Fuck around and wake up with a 3rd arm or something.

I caught the flu. Apparently I had the shit since November but it didn't rear its ugly head until a couple of Mondays ago.

Ya girl was a fucking wreck. I went to a Super Bowl party that Sunday. Hey free food is free food, you know I wasn't there for the football *lol*

Woke up Monday and I swear I could not get out the bed. My body felt like someone took a brick and literally beat the shit out of me. My lungs were swimming in mucus and I was so weak I couldn't make it out the bed.

After convincing myself I wasn't viciously poisoned while at the Super Bowl Party, I tried to suffer through the week. Yes my black ass managed to crawl out the bed and make it to work.

And yes I took my disease ridden ass to work because I can't stand being in the house weak and helpless until someone comes home and take care of me. And besides tour season is looming, there's hella problems with the on going construction, and I had hella work to do.

Not that any of this mattered, my ass ended up going home early every single day...when I wasn't passed out drooling at my desk while people tip toed around me afraid that they might "get that".

Strangely enough here I am, today running @ about 55%, and NO ONE has caught the flu. No one around me is sick in the least. I mean I must have coughed, sneezed and spit up on every surface at home but is Mr. Immune System of a God sick?

Hell to the no!

Is my girl, whose needy ass feel the need to stop by damn near daily and sometimes I have to throw her out the apartment so she can take her ass home, sick?

Hell to the no!

Outside of a co-worker who is always sick, and who I 9/10 catch whatever plague on the earth that has descended on her, no one is sick.

I don't know whether to be mad suspicious or mad bitter.

I mean just at the beginning of the week I was maybe running at 25%. And that's maybe.

I've lost about 5 lbs alone in one week. Shoot I went three days without eating a bite of food. I survived on OJ so much that I'm convinced the price went up because I was buying 4/5 gallons of the stuff a week.

I'm slowly regaining my appetite back but for the most part I don't have an interest in food.

And now I'm convinced I have tuberculosis. Don't ask *lol* Fucking Wikipedia has scared the shit out of me.

I'll be back to regular posting soon. I promise :)

Friday, February 01, 2008

I Admit It..

It has taken a lot of courage to write this...

Sure I make jokes about it but really it was to hide my shame...

My shame of admitting...

I am a secret stalker.

I know I know...how could I, of all people, be a stalker?

I despire stalkers. As a victim of several stalking attempts, many I have blogged about right here, how can I be a stalker?

*hangs heads*

It started with a few simple phone calls. A text here and there.

...And then one day...I found myself calling more than the 3 phone calls/day mininum I give myself and others when phone calls are not answered.

It went from two or three a day to two or three every 10 minutes. Me, Queen on Never Leaving Voicemails Because I'm Sure You Saw My Number In The Missed Call Log, was actually leaving voice mails. Each one more frantic than the next. I'm sure he can hear the desperation and longing for answers in my voice. Begging, pleading...menancing threating him to call me back right now. Not right now. But right now.

It got to the point when my frantic texts of "Where are you" and "How come you're not picking up my calls" were sent in rapid succession. Typing so fast sometimes I mispelled words.

And I am a stickler for spelling when it comes to text messages *lol*

*chokes back sob* And I won't even get on the IMs I've sent.

I've taken to lurking around his place of employment, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Setting my watch to his schedule just so I can "pop up" and see him.

And what was the cause of this stalking? Not a cute smile. Not enchanting conversation. Hell not even the hopes of selling me a dream and I fell for it hook, line and sinker.

It was the fucking tv show "Lost"

My new freaking addiction!

I swear I know I am like years late on hopping on this show. I mean I scoffed hard as hell when I first heard about the premise of the show.

People on a desert island? The hell is this...Gilligan's Island: The New Years or something?

When people chatted aimlessly I ignored it. Sure the stars were in my trashy tabloid magazines but since I didn't watch the show, I didn't really care about them.

Shit they bumped Angelina and Brad off the cover for Matthew Fox?! Are they mad?!

Now I'll admit my tv watching have decreased signficantly over the years. I used to watch tv from sun up to sun down. Nothing but videos, a few tv show scattered here and there and wrestling. I used to be all up on any new show or video that made it's appearance on tv.

I scheduled everything around tv shows. I'll be damned if I miss wrestling on Mondays, Wednesday and Thursday. Me miss a Thursday night Smackdown was a cause of concern back in the day.

Now..I'm lucky if I see a new video in a month and 95% of the shows on tv I have no idea what they're about nor am I interested to find out. Now I know about the stars of these shows for the most part but I couldn't even tell you what the fonts on the title look like.

So sadly I dismissed "Lost". Let 3 complete seasons slip through my nimble fingers.

Until one day...

After a solid two weeks of begging, prodding and threatening...I went to the video store and rented the entire 1st season of "Lost". Initially I was going to watch maybe the 1st DVD just to say I watched it and I didn't like it blah blah blah.

Boy was I wrong...I sat up and watched Discs 1, 2 and 3 before sleep drove me to the bed and even then I was sleepily trying to pop in Disc 4. I mean I didn't get up to use the potty, take a sip or water, answer a phone call...nothing...while the disc was going on.

...that doesn't mean I didn't stalk people though. Every 5 or 10 minutes I was on my phone frantically texting and asking questions. I got a lot of laughs and "watch the show".

Not satisfied with those answers...I stepped my stalking up ten fold. Even now as I"m typing this...best believe every 2 seconds I'm begging for an IM response.

This is so fucking sad...me...stalking a damn co worker over a tv show.

I mean if he would just answer my phone calls this would make it all better but no see I gotta get him on the work phone and do you know he had the nerve to tell them to stop transferring my phone calls to him?!

The very nerve!

I mean...I just wanna love "Lost" 'tis all. Is that so much to ask?

*off to send the 100th text I have sent since 6:07pm*

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

F*cking Demon Birds...

So this week I’ve been “training” at my old property because apparently I need training.

Or at least that’s how my manager relayed it before he booked out of the country for the next two months.

I’m not going to complain, I mean aside from the behind the scenes bullshit which caused me to leave in the first place, I genuinely like most of the people that still works there. We still go out for drinks, kick it, and of course trade property gossip among one another.

And besides I needed a vacation from my old property so yeah I can suck up a couple of days of basically doing nothing but answering phones and clowning on the job’s clock.

I mean because that’s all my “training” was- me bullshitting around.

Oh and clowning. Can’t forget the clowning.

Like one of my friends was like “Sooo you just gonna strut in here with the Josie and the Pussycat boots huh? Like Bam…I’m just ready to perform huh?”

So of course you know I about died laughing right? And then with the impromptu dance routine he broke out in…I was too through.

The rest of the week I was “Josie”.

Folks I haven’t seen in a minute of course asked about the wedding plans and were surprised we haven’t jumped the broom yet.

Hell some skipped right over the wedding and got straight to the point: Am I knocked up yet?

*Questions more funnier by the fact that Dej asked the same questions*

I don’t know why people seem to get insulted when you say “No”.

I’m like damn the man upstairs has more plans for me than my damn uterus!

Be fruitful my ass. The Lord knows me.

He knows I don’t have a clear “exit” strategy yet *lol*

And yes I’m serious…I’m a punk when it comes to pain.

Said the chick with numerous tattoos and random body piercing over the years.

Contradicting statements I know.

Like I love chicken but I’m terrified of most flying creatures.

Like Ok today…everyone knows I’m terrified of pigeons. I think they are the scummiest, nastiest, most what less birds ever and I’m convinced one is going to peck my eye out one day.

I swear it’s like those demon rats smell my fear and make a devious effort to terrify me to no avail.

So I’m walking home from work *I know one of the perks I miss from working there…the ability to walk my ass home from work. Oh and for a random hour or two but who’s counting* and I know they lurk under the walkway so I try to walk as close to the side walk as possible.

Tell me why one came from underneath the car and charged at me?!

Ok well he flapped his wings or something but by that time I was screaming like hell and running down the street like a mad woman.

Outside of the treadmill the last time I ran that fast…in heels no less…was when I had less than 10 minutes to get to Cold Stone before it closed. No lie. My ass will move for some food.

So I’m like brushing imaginary bird fluff from me, shuddering at the close encounter, when I hear someone calling my name.

Now I have to tell people I’m from the Chi and in my parts of town blowing horns, slowing down in a vehicle, and calling one’s name is NOT the business. I’m immune to all of that and if you slow down too much best believe I’m in the fighting stance because someone’s ass is going to get whooped trying to drag me in the car.

So I’m ignoring the voice because who knows who it is and chances are it’s someone I don’t want to talk to.

Car straight stops in the middle of the cross walk spooking my ass.

Turns out it’s no one but one of the managers at my property…cackling his ass off because he saw my flight of the birds escape up the street. Dude is like dying in the car.

So yeah…I can expect a mass work email of my blunder by tomorrow.

I am such a lame lol.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Responses to Broken Record...

Dej asked:
1.How many kids do u plan on having?

How many kids do I want? One maybe two since I haven’t figured how exactly I’m going to get the baby out since vaginal birth is definitely out because I’m afraid my coochie lips are going to swing low, sweet chariot down to the ground. Not to mention the thought of a c-section turns my stomach and I’ve heard about phantom pains and stuff and we all know I’m a huge punk when it comes to pain so ummm I don’t have a good exit strategy right now ya know?

Now how many kids will I have if JBN has his way with my uterus? Five or more. He wants a starting line up and shit. He doesn’t know about the secret vasectomy he’s going to have after baby #1 *lol*

2.When you gon get started on it?

God willing I don’t plan on having a baby until I’m 28 or 29. I’m in no rush to enter parent hood. Shoot I have enough family popping out babies as it is. Every time I go home I swear there’s a new baby in the house.

Now this is pending honey moon that is. Nothing would piss me off more than if I got knocked up on the honey moon.

3.how's the wedding crap coming along?

At the end of the month I’m mailing off invites *finally*! My last major milestone will be cleared. Then I can focus my side eye on my bridesmaids and groomsmen. Folks been slacking and it’s time to get up in that ass right quick.

4.Describe your reaction if you woke up a 32d cup tomorrow?
Girl…you already know…straight put ‘em on the glass.

That’ll be the day I’m walking around bra less the entire day complete with the slow “Baywatch” running…even when my ass has no reason to run. I’m going in VS and pulling the bras from the front of the rack, and did I mention I’m putting my knockers on every counter I can find? Girl I’m straight clowning with my 32D.

Nexgrl asked:

5.Did you go to the doctor yet?

I have a doctor’s appointment *finally* on the 8th…One day after the dentist *sigh*. How much you wanna bet my cold will suddenly disappear so my doctor can once again give me the side eye and send me away.

6. Is it just a cold?

I’m convinced it’s cancer.

7.Have you ever been tested for allergies?

I haven’t been tested in years but I don’t think it’s allergies…unless I’m just allergic to work in general.

Pro asked:

8.Do you read literature other than blogs? Fiction, chick lit, Black romance, nonfiction, self-help... What?

I read a little bit of everything. You should see my book shelf. If it catches my eye and I want to read past the first page, I’ll pretty much read it. If we’re asking for specific authors…mmmm….I think I have read almost any one you can think of, either for college papers or just on some general stuff. My genre is mainly fiction because like a small animal I’m drawn to shiny covers but lately I’ve been drifting into the nonfiction section at the bookstore.

9.Does JBN know about your blog? If so, does he read or comment (in person) on occasion?

Actually he does, I never made it a point to hide it from him and he reads it from time to time, I can’t tell you the last time he might have read it though. We haven’t had a dispute over something I’ve written in ages *lol* and I think the last time when I was talking about this dude called “Cutie” and he was more upset at the fact that I called him “cute” than anything…old jealous cow *lol* From time to time, you might see an anonymous commenter…often times it’s him.

10.What TV show(s) are you into of late?

Outside of old Law and Order, House, and CSI episodes, if it’s not Boondocks, Family Guy, Without a Trace, Cold Case Files, Intervention, South Park, The Wire, Entourage, and various shows on The History Channel, The Discovery Channel or TLC…I don’t watch a lot of television. I’ve never seen an episode of Lost, Grey’s Anatomy, or Heroes. I don’t watch what most people watch. I'm such a loser.

11.Night owl or early bird?

I do my best work at night *wink wink* but I’m more functional during the day. I moan and groan but once I take a hot shower, I’m up for the rest of the day. Of course this includes my “nap time”.

12.Have you ever considered natural remedies as opposed to OTC drugs/meds to cure your ailments?

If we’re talking natural= I don’t take anything and just suffer for x amount of days/weeks/months until I’m well otherwise I never thought about it too much. I’m not really a drug taker. Another reason I stay sick…I never finish any medication I’m given, I usually have more than ½ the prescription left. I’m actually scared that everything will fuck with my birth control and next thing you know…a tearful blog talking about how I went to get my 8th opinion and I refuse to accept that I’m knocked.

But I’m always willing to broaden my thoughts. Send me the info and I’ll look it over.

13.Favorite secks position; with description (especially if it's some hang on the canopy that doubles as a skripper pole move your drunken-ass done made up with your fi-nan-say/fiance)?

LOL only you Pro!!

Ok after the fiasco concerning the lamp doubling as a pole resulting in a skinned knee and hurt pride…I stop letting furniture double as my own personal stage/pole.
My favorite position is naturally from the back. I dunno I think I like the way my booty jiggle or something because I HAVE to have sex from the back, like if I don’t have sex any other way, I gotta get it from the back.

The best is when I’m leaning over the bed/couch/counter and he lightly smacks my ass before sliding in reaalllll slow and just pause for a hot second before he hits that spot and my back arch all the way up and….

OK Pro…you’re trying to get someone raped when he walks in the door *wink*

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Broken Record...

Since I'm fighting yet another persistent Ebola/Malaria/Flu super bug, because you know, germs love me and all...ya girl is under the weather yet again.

I swear if I actually tagged my entries, more than half would fall under the "Death and Disease" thread. It seems like I am always sick.

I'm making a doctor's appointment right now as I type...OK well I'm still on hold but whatever, this is getting ridiculous.

And since I'm one of the biggest hydrochondriac in the world, I am convinced it's something serious. Like I think I have asbestos or something. And although my best friend and JBN are like "Yeah asbestos causes cancer and not the common cold...I might have ran up on the new asbestos or something. Might have rapidly mutated in my body or something."

Oh yeah...I also have an overactive imagination as well.

It's like as soon as I get well...someone sneezes and BAM sick all over again.

So because I can't concentrate because I'm doped up on various meds...I'm going to do yet another open forum.

Ask me questions, no topic off limits, and I'll answer it to the best of my ability.

Don't worry this isn't like the last time when I fell off the face of the earth...My muse is still going strong but ummm....yeah...drooling all over the lap top is not really going to help my muse.

So ask away.

And why did my job block blogger?! I can look at everything damn thing I want BUT I can't log on to blogger and while I can view blogs, for the most part I can't comment.

Now ain't that some shit? I can view BangBros.com all I want but can't comment on my favorite blogs?

Man that's that bullshit!

So I gotta make my rounds at home...don't worry I'm still reading just can't comment!!!

*stomp off mumbling and coughing*