Monday, February 27, 2006

Stilettos Pumps In The Club.....

So my best friend came to DC for the weekend and boy did we have fun in the "Chocolate City"! Being from Chicago, we forget at times that we are not in Chicago and this weekend we found ourselves gawking @ the "Natives" (As we called DC folks) and clowning our asses off. Don't get me wrong, DC is a great city. I can honestly say I am never bored. I hit the clubs, see the sites, and take advantage of the hidden wonders of DC (Now if only I can find a place that sells pizza puffs, know what the hell "mild sauce" is, and a DJ that can actually mix worth a damn, we'll be in business). So we're cruising through DC with her head constantly twisted around b/c she's surprised about how close the "national" land marks to the down town (I will admit when I first got here, I damn near created a 10 car pileup on the expressway b/c I saw the Washington Monument and slowed down like a goof snapping picture....damn DC folks got some road rage), the little tasty men roaming DC streets (Of course we're catcalling out the window), and how clean DC appears (Come to Chicago and see how clean our down town really is). We rode up to UMD, GTown, and Howard (She kept shrieking 'I can't believe fucking Howard is in the Hood' while locking all the car doors...It was lookin' a little rough out that day)and waved to some cute frat boys hanging around. Hell we almost got a meal from one of the White Frat Houses...but I don't eat everyone's cooking...esp. White Folks BBQ!

I won't get on my personal pet peeves, though, of living in DC. It's a lot but I'm bias because I am a Chi-Town Queen at heart! I hate the traffic (it shouldn't take Four fucking hours to go 10 miles!), people's reaction to snow and rain (Damn we're not in Florida...It do snow you know! Shutting down schools over an inch of snow! Shiiiitttt not in Chicago!), and hell sometimes the people (People who are not from around here might can feel me on the "chilly' (for lack of better words) of people who live here). So my best friend and I are kicking it and we decided to hit up the club Platinum.

OMG....Funniest night ever in a long time. Long story short- we got booted out the club (twice)by a bouncer b/c some dude (we didn't know-and care- thst it was his party) got mad b/c we started roasting his wack ass (Roasting= cagging, talking about, dissing Chicago vernacular people!) and the second time was because I had to lay the smackdown in the club. He came sliding up to us...I kid you a Coogi 'fit. Now for most people, they're either scratching their head, like "What's a Coogi" or "Why was that a fashion crime"? To those not up on fashion, Coogi is an ugly but expensive sweater. Think a Bill Cosby sweater that has been shredded and sewn back together. People rocked these damn sweaters hard in Chicago when I was in HIGH SCHOOL!. This was between the years of 1997-2001 so don't think like early 90s- I am only 22! By 2000, no one in Chicago would be caught dead rockin' a Coogi because it was "played". In Chicago, Coogi went the way of FuBu, Platinum FuBu, Karl Kani, Iceberg, Mecca...etc, you get the pic. I guess DC either didn't get the memo or just said "Fuck it" because folks here are rocking what Chicago considered "played out ass fashion". So here this dude approach us on some "Hey ma...blah blah blah"...and we took one look at the sweater and just lost it. He got mad of course and asked "What the fuck was so funny" so we told him in straight ig'nant ass fashion- "You rockin a Coogi? I mean seriously? Like a real a hot ass club...and you trying to holla? Damn where do you find a Coogi sweater? Can we touch it? *fingering his sweater and laughing* Ooh girl this real! Must be 'Retro Night' in the club...OMG G...He even got the matching hat to go with it. Damn I had no idea Coogi was still in business *another fit of the giggles*

We even got our ig'nant asses on the phone and called our other best friend to tell her about the sweater. So by this time, nigga steaming...just running off at the mouth. Oh we were everything but a child of God when he got through with us. He called over a bouncer and we were promptly escorted out the club for unruly behavior.

Oh that was cool...we got in like 10 minutes later. Yep, we hopped our asses back in line. Sweet talked the guy putting on wrist bands and got our asses back in there. Then some horror came to my ears. That damn Go-Go shit. I hate that music more than snap music. I want to scream every time I hear a go-go beat. I'm sorry. The shit is just wack to me. Every single song sounds like "Do It In The Butt". Every single song. It's so 1980s to me and my ear bleeds but it's DC music. It's just so old...I should be doing the running man or Cabbage Patch instead of "Gettin' Low". So my best friend grab my arm, confused, and said exactly what I've been thinking, "WTF? Why is sound so old?" Had to give her the quick Go-Go lesson and of course she laughed. But you can't tell someone from DC that Go-Go is wack. That's fighting words

In Chicago- we juke. We listen to House Music aka The Tapes. Not Rap Mix Tapes but heavy bass, lots of thumping, Bang Bang Bang Skeet Skeet Skeet...shit that get you crunk as fuck! That's the only reason I like crunk music b/c it reminds me a little of House Music. Damn all this NY Shit they pop off in the club (Every fucking song that comes out of NY is NOT a fucking dance song! That's what Chicagoians call "Ride And Nod Your Head" music...not "Get Your freak On In The Club" music. Mutha fuckers here hear some Jay-Z, Nas, Fifty and go nuts! I just slide to the wall and wait until a real "dance" song come back on...never really do b/c DJ here can't mix worth shit. Go from a Sean Paul to a Jay-Z (A Reasonable Doubt Jay at that) in a heartbeat! Fucking DJs...Take some lessons from a Chi-Town DJ....can you say Blend corresponding songs/beats?) We go to the clubs to juke! If you don't know, you betta ask somebody!

So the second time around, we head into the basement and my inner "Satcha" (My Jamaician Dancehall persona) instantly popped out. OMG- the club was playin' Dance Hall...and good dance hall at that! So we got on the floor and starting shakin' our round, brown asses! Of course, the Bougie ass females were against the wall looking crazy w/their little short skirts (shit hell to the was like 13 degrees out...I no longer freeze for fashion), stilleto pumps and stank faces looking at us like we're crazy. Fuck you females! I come to have a good time NOT to get in V.I.P! Just because you see how the video chicks dress in the video does not mean you should imitate! Imitation is not a sincere form of flattery! Bikini Tops in February is not cool! This is not Miami! Then later on looking cold as hell outside the club, you and all three of your little chicken head friends wobbling down the street to the car in your 5 inch Steve Madden pumps!

So we're dancing with these guys and I guess some "Stiletto Pumps" girl got mad b/c her guy was dancing on me and starting to talk shit. I mean I couldn't hear what she was saying but I know she was talking as if her balls were as big as watermelons! Well....that inner Ghetto came out and I just slapped her ass on reflex. I know I said I don't fight women...but hey this wasn't a fight. I smacked her. She fell. Her croonies came to scoop her up (show what type of friends she had. It was two versus six but no one was feeling froggy) and next thing you know the same bouncer was showing us Platinum's door, mad because he wanna know how the fuck we got back in. This time he stayed at the door to make sure our asses wouldn't get back in so we just took our business H20. We got in H20 and just showed out best friend talkin 'bout I gave her the "Bitch I'm from the Chi" smack. We left H20, got something to eat, and came back to my place. We saw some sites, ate some good ass food, and hit the clubs again...but on the Grown and Sexy kick. No more fights but we did see a guy who has on a Boss 'fit *insert laughter here*

Ahhhh...we had so much fun this weekend!

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Friends...How Many Of Us Got Them?

I don't have a lot of friends *big shock* but I have a lot of "associates". My mother said it best when she said to me, "Everyone who grins in your face is not your friend". *nods head* This statement is so true. I have had so-called friends who have said/done hurtful things, slept with my boyfriend(s), spread vicious rumors, and was generally "[smiling] in my face/all the time they wanna take [my] place/Backstabbers".

Oh yes, Tenacious, has had them all. I had a girl, I thought this broad was my "Ace Boon Coon", slept with my damn boyfriend (not the current one) while I was at a three-week retreat. It's not that I cared really deeply about my ex, but it was the principle. I wasn't on the bus good when she was already bobbing and slobbing my boyfriend. Needless to say, she had a page on my permanent shit list. Last I heard she was on Baby #3 and him...He went to jail. Oh well for the both of them. I've had a little bit of all types. That's why I limit my actual "friend" intake. I keep plenty of associates but not many friends. In total, I have five friends- two female and three males (yes males and females can be friends).

I don't keep female friends. I don't why but I seriously limit my interaction with women. Well maybe it's my crude demeanor and my different way of thinking, but I can't stand females. Females are petty. Females are phony. Females are silly and immature. Females are insecure and competitive. Sure, all females are not like this (hence my two female best friends) but I don't have the time to maneuver around female politics. Maybe that's why I never joined a sorority. I can't be around phony people. That's not even how I roll. My two female best friends are basically mirror images of me. In high school, we were the "Asshole Three". We were obnoxious, loud, bossy and downright ig'nant. We are such some fucking ladies. We are silly as hell- we keeps the jokes coming. We are so fun to be around. Men love us. Women hate us. They are my best friends. We have never had a fight. Repeat: We have never in our 9 years of solid friendship have had a serious fight. About food: yes. About men: no! About petty shit: no! We're ride or die friends! We have already gotten kicked out of more bars, clubs, restaurants, sporting events, classes, liquor stores, Blockbusters, cars, buses, trains, planes, libraries, City Hall...The list goes on and on. The fit of giggles is enough to start walking us to the door because it's about to be trouble.

My three male friends...Oh they ah ma hearts! I adore them! I have adopted so many mannerisms from them that it's crazy. They are where I get my "male" perspective from. I love having male friends because they are: brutally honest, candid, sincere, and are able to offer a better argument than "Girl..F him. He a dog anyway". Men clue me to little things...The guy code if you will. I enjoy being around them. We can go out and have a good time w/o all the female politics that go on when you go out with women. Now much to my boyfriend's horror- one is an ex. Usually I don't have any contacts with my exes. In fact, I don't want anything to do with you. Nothing personal. It's just that it's best. My rules for exes are clear and simple: 1) Once you're an ex, you stay an ex. 2)No ex-sex- this one is sooo important. Most try to do that ol' "well it's already available..Not like we didn't have sex...Window of opportunity is always open" B.S. but I am glad to say NOT ME!! I have never had post- break up sex with an ex. You're an ex for a reason and you will stay that way. Well my best friend who is an ex...We were better as friends than bf/gf. Too much alike. But he is such a cool person, it would be a disserve to myself to kick him to the curb b/c we were not compatible in a relationship type of way. But oh was the sex off the chain!!! If he wasn't my best friend (and an ex..Thus refer to the rules) and I did not have a boyfriend...Man oh man *sorry wipes slob off cheek* Oh he can lay it down. We joke about that sometimes but alas it will never happen again. My other two male friends are childhood best friends whose mothers have been friends with my mother for as long as I can remember. They're like your favorite big brother. Stern and overprotective but always good for advice. They keeps it real with me and I appreciate that.

I *heart* my best friends. Anyone who can put up with me in all my moodiness, craziness and just wacky self deserves a pat on the back. My associates, I feed with a long handled spoon. My best friends sit at the table. Don't underestimate a good friendship and please don't take your friends for granted...They might not be there tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My Pimp Hand Is So Strong....

I have a temper. Yes, it's true. I have tried anger management classes (they kicked my ass out...WTF you mean there's no more cookies) to no avail. I have accepted that I have a problem controlling my anger. My anger has gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years. For example, if anyone were to look at most of my old birthday party pictures, I'm not in most of them. Why? I have gotten my ass whooped at almost every birthday party of mine because of my anger issues. I was known for pimp slapping my guests (Bitch your mama bought that Barbie for me...Hell naw you can't "see" it...See this hand across your face) creating an issue when my birthday came around because no one wanted to come because they were scared of me. Who gets their ass whooped at their own birthday party? Me, all the time, apparently. It got to the point where my mother would start snapping away the minute the party started because she knew I would not make it to the cake and ice cream. Looking now, as an adult, my mother stated, "Well, I don't know where the hell you picked that up at...This is an non-violent family". <---You know I had to arch an eyebrow at that statement. My mother was a champion ass whooper! She gave out ass whoopings like it was candy or something! My brother, myself, cousins, randoms friends, hell random strangers have all been a victim of my mother's infamous "pimp hand". I got my ass tagged so much I was the poster child for ass whoopings! And I turned out fine (or so I thought).

Now I'm not campaigning for child abuse. There is a vast difference people! Child abuse is horrendous. I think people who abuse any child should be shot. I believe that there is nothing a child can do to justify: beating a child to the point of broken bones, welts, and death with anything you can get your hands on, burning a child with cigarettes, irons, iron pokers, etc. leaving third degree burns on them, starving them, locking them in enclosed spaces for days, hours, weeks, years or any other horrendous act of violence toward a child. That shit sickens me and I wish I was the person who discovered people who do this to their child- let's just say someone would be taking an extremely looong ride downtown...well you won't make it down town of course but you get the picture. I am however campaigning for good old fashioned ass whoopings. I believe an ass whooping makes you a better person. An ass whooping also prevents me from wanting to beat your bad ass kid myself! I'm sorry- there are some kids that an ass whooping should be mandatory. I see them- falling out in the store, cursing and/or hitting their parent, throwing shit..basically running over the adult while the adult beg for that child to behave. Shiiiittt COULD NOT BE ME! My mama didn't play that! She wish you would act a fool in public! My mama had no problem spanking us in public- hell she was ripping belts from the displays to tap our little asses....shit she even went as far to buy the belt because she liked the feel. Her belts had names and depending on what you did, you got what ever color belt as punishment..."Blackie" was her particular favorite BTW. If more kids got that ass whooped, less serial killers and sick fucked up individuals would live in society. If parents would have beat that ass the first time they caught little Johnny: torturing/maiming small animals, playing with a gun, building mini-bombs in the basement, or doing anything that makes me think the "devil is in ya", then they would NOT grow up eating folks, burying folks in the backyard, killing 30 people between Ohio and Pennsylvania or any other sick shit like that because you squashed that shit from Day One. Sure they could sneak and do it, but after I've caught you the first time, I'd beat that ass everyday so you wouldn't even think of sneaking off to do some shit like that. <---Well White Folks are usually crazy as hell like that anyway. I say: Stop putting your fucking 8 year old in a damn stroller, making their grown ass co-dependent and weak as fuck, and such things like, them killing your ass 20 years later, would not occur.

I have a I have been slapping people for years now. It's almost second nature to raise my hand to hit some one. But strangely, I don't really fight/hit females. I see them as a "waste of time". No seriously. The last physical altercation I had with a girl was at 15 and she made it a point to pick on my little cousin. My little shy, meek, and ultra-nice cousin. I had to beat her ass to prove a point- leave my family alone! That's mainly why I don't even waste my breathe fighting or even arguing with another woman (now while I'm drunk that's a different story). There is no point! Most of the women I know fight/argue over the same thing : men, he said/she said garbage, pettiness, and men! I don't argue over any of this. If he's fucking me and fucking you- why am I going to fight you over a man that's apparently not mine? Hell you can have his ass! I am a grown ass woman dawg- I can say whatever needs to said to your face- no second party gossip here! If you call me and ask me, "I heard you said such and such..." If I said it, I would admit it, although it would not be anything that I have not already told you to your face and if I didn't I would say so. Don't put words in my mouth people! That's bound to start me the boiling! I usually only save my breathe for men. Why? Considering I am short and little as hell and someone could flick me across the room with his pinky finger? I know it would be good, no petty female shit, but some real shit. Granted I know most men would not hit me back, but hey if you feeling froggy--leap leap muthafucker. Most of the time a dude has earned the backhand for inappropriate groping. Don't touch me! You are not my boyfriend! In the club, that is grounds for an ass whooping! Don't palm my butt like you know me when I walk by! Damn, did I fuck you or something? Touching me in that intimate way like I was calling your name last night! If we're dancing, keep your damn hands where I can see them! If I wanted my clothes to come off to Nelly's "Hott in Herr", I would take them off! I don't need help! Stop grabbing my hand to get my attention! I'm from the Chi- my first thought is that you're trying to go for ma purse! I see you...I was ignoring you on purpose!

Since most of the time, my dear, patient boyfriend and I don't go out together (partly because of shit like my temper), he only hears about it after I've gotten me (and my party) booted out the club. Of course he's mad and I hear the "Baby you can't just be slapping niggas like that! He was the bouncer!" and I feel bad b/c I wish he would just stand there and do nothing, but it's my temper. I can't control it. I have gotten into it with women but I'm usually drunk as hell anyway and don't even remember the shit I spit to you, but for the most part, my battles come with men. I love MEN, love everything about you, but don't piss me off! Granted, the pimp hand is not always out and in effect, but you will get a tongue lashing from my ass. I can curse a muthafucker out like it's a skill! I have been told that my tongue is more lethal than the hand because I "hurt feelings". Maybe because my feelings don't get hurt, (I'm so damn insensitive), I'm not a crier (it's a scary occasion in the few times I have cried...mutha fuckers know something is serious), I'm crude, aggressive, stubborn (hence my nickname "Tenacious"), bold, and cocky...I forget sometimes that everyone is not like me. But oh well. Suck it up! Be a man! Now I'm not all cock-diesel. My best friends say I have a "schizo" personality because I think like a man but act like a girl (I'm such a fucking lady). I don't like sports, I hate to sweat, I'm terrified of insects, I'm addicted to shoes/purses/shopping, I love babies, cleaning soothes me...And then there's my Jamaican dancehall persona "Satcha" (lol...I'm not Jamaican but I swear I am a honorary one). It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde sometimes....But of course the Incredible Hulk is lurking in there somewhere.

Don't think I'm a bully, because I'm not. I don't pick on people, I don't purposely start fights. I never have picked on anyone who is "smaller" than me, in fact I will beat the hell outta someone for picking on someone who is not on the same level of "competition" as them. I'm that friend people hate to see coming b/c I have no problem reading your ass if I think you have done something wrong to my friend. I don't believe in walking over anyone. Like I said, I'm little as hell so it's not like I'm a "Baby Dee" or anything. Just don't ignite my anger...Dire consequences are sure to follow...

Just toss an ant at me or something. Watch the "punk" come out of me in a heartbeat.......

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Yeah I Stereotype...So What?

I seriously wonder about White People. No, for real, I do. White Folks do some of the craziest shit I have ever seen. No, I’m not saying that because I am Black and I see “Black Culture” as completely different from “White Culture” (well I do but that’s beside the point) but White People, in general, are a strange bunch.

I know I’m guilty of stereotyping. Hell everyone stereotypes. Anyone who claims they don’t is a fucking liar. I know what people probably think when they see me. Some are actually dumb enough to vocally say the shit out loud thus earning the privilege of a “Tenacious Treating” (treating meaning “I’m about to read your ass” and I don’t mean the latest Eric Jerome Dickey novel…I love his books by the way). Case in point: I was at work the other day and I was called to the Front Desk for some bullshit basically. I work at a hotel and from my short experience of working in the Tourism Industry: I truly hate customer service. Now I have had customer service jobs before but it was retail jobs. You know in High School, it was a big deal to work in the mall- preferably one of the “urban” stores- Man Alive, The Lark, Up Against the Wall, etc. Basically any name brand store that kept you looking fly. Oh my, I can go on and on about my retail experiences rants but just know I now really truly feeling for anyone who has ever dealt with customer service. Sure every job has some form of customer service but I’m talking about one where your exclusive base is dealing with people on a consistent and regular day basis. But anyway- I was called to the front desk because a woman wanted to complain about the room. She was this little old white wench- you know the type. Bitch just looked like her family has slaves. She was a Barbara Bush clone I kid you not. I had to do a double take and scan for Secret Service all at the same time (yeah I know she wouldn’t be staying at my hotel but hey you never know-she could have been on that straight “incognito” trip). I already knew her type: rich, old, hoity toity, probably going to butcher my so-called “urban” name, ask me hella questions that have nothing to do with what ever she came down for in the first place, and then try to chum me up with a story that is borderline racist about a “funny” experience with one of “my people”. She came down because her room has just been freezing the entire time she has stayed here (she was leaving). Realizing that most people are dumb as hell- I asked her the typical questions:

Me: Well, Mrs. Blah Blah, did you turn on the heat in the room? We have central heating but the buttons to manipulate the temperature are located on the central air duct next to the window. (Most of the time it’s already on but I know housekeeping sometimes turn it off. I know sometimes that damn button is hard to find. I have froze many of times looking for that damn button in the room!)

Her: Why, yes! And it still did not do anything….Eh, why how old are you? Why you don’t look much older than my granddaughter Clarissa and she’s 15! She just came from a study abroad program… (Ok by this time I had tuned her out…What the hell do my age have to do with your cold ass room? See what I mean? I mean damn I know 22 is not old and I do look youthful (I’ve been told I was as young as 16…fucking R. Kelly perverts!) but damn there are child labor laws)

Me: Did you call downstairs so that maintenance can come take a look at your room? If it was indeed a heating problem, we would have moved you to different room.

Her: Why no…
(Completely butchers my damn name. My name is not hard. It doesn’t have 4 Q’s, 3 W’s, 6 E’s (two long) or anything like that. Six fucking letters! Back in the elementary school, I was the only one with my name in the entire school! Now High School was different- I found others with my name, hell other variations of my name. By the time college hit, I was called everything BUT my real damn name- and by who? White People!) Ah didn’t (she was a southern gal. Bitch didn’t even blink an eye at pronouncing my name wrong and had the nerve to cock an eye at me when I automatically corrected her. She gave me the “Bitch, your name is whatever the fuck I say it is. How dare you correct me Nigra” look). I just assumed you would know. I mean doesn’t the Mexicana woman who cleans my room report to you? Wouldn’t she have known my room is cold? I mean it was absolutely frigid! (First off, most of the housekeepers are NOT MEXICAN and those same women would quickly correct your ass for assuming. Second, I don’t have a fucking clue who cleaned your room, ain't my damn department. Third, the housekeeper doesn’t give a fuck if your room is cold. They go in, clean, and report the general condition of the room. If the room is cold, they assume because you want it cold!)

Me (in I’m about to treat her mode): Mrs. Blah Blah, let me get this straight. You have stayed in this hotel for an entire week? An entire week. You mean to tell me your room was cold the entire week, yet you made no effort to inform us on the condition of your room? So you just froze in the room the entire week rather than call or stop by the front desk so that the problem can be rectified? Well I’m sorry about your unpleasant stay but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that. I will, however, let the proper department know about that room and for them to check on the room. Have a safe trip! (And walked my ass off with her sniffing “Why I NEVER…” as I walked away). I know that was kind of mean but let me break it down to you: If you don’t tell us, we don’t know there’s a problem. Front Office (meaning Front Desk) does not have any contacts with the room. We only go by what’s put in our system. If there’s nothing there, we assume the rooms are perfect. Housekeeping, like I said, do an excellent job of reporting physical/general conditions of the room (cracked tiles, burnt out light bulbs, frayed curtains, etc…) but any mechanical problems are not usually noticed until a guest bring it to our attention. If you don’t bring it to our attention, we never know. Depending on the problem, we might hook you up, make some adjustments to your bill (such as getting a night free or comp. meal). But if you think you’re going to just wait and raise hell to get a free night: NOT AT MY HOTEL BUDDY!! HOLLA BACK!! Besides I heard she gave me quite a “tongue lashing” when I left with the gist of it ending in “my people are so rude.”

Hey in that case, she probably already summed me up as an “angry Black woman” and proceeded to rant and rave all the way back home about our “horrid hotel and how she is an elite status member and how she was rudely treated at our hotel, but ask me do I really give a Fhhh…). I don’t care. But other "Black" stereotypes get irritating (I won't go so the socio-political rant because although it irritates me, I can't truly get mad. It would be the "pot calling the kettle black" in a sense) so at work I know I have the unofficial title as “Angry Black Woman”- only because I hate dumb ass questions. I have gotten asked on multiple occasions (usually by the same White Person who probably forgot “which” Black woman I am):

How many children I have (none, but White Folks seem surprised that I don’t have three little snotty nose brats running around. HELLO? Can you say “birth control”? I am a proud recipient of the “Shot”- no babies bursting from this vagina any time soon and besides @ 22, I feel I am too “young” for babies)

Do I know “such-and-such” who live in Chicago or in my general neighborhood (NO muthafucker, I don’t know every fucking Black person in Chicago/DC/Virginia/Maryland! No, I don’t know the new Black guy in Event Programming! No me and “such and such” are not sisters! Just because we both have long hair and dark skin does NOT mean we’re related!)

Do I wash my hair? Can they touch my hair These kill me and usually the “Sista Girl” neck roll comes out in full force by this time. One woman was even bold enough to ask me do I have “Indian” in my family because my hair is soo thick and pretty? (WTF White Folks? Yes I wash my damn hair. Granted it’s not every fucking day, but hell yeah! Hell fucking naw you can’t touch my hair! I JUST got this shit done! (You know you don’t fuck with a Black woman’s hair after it has been done! You’re just setting yourself up for an ass whooping!) I don’t know where your nasty hands have been! I just know you don’t wash your hands after you use the washroom! And bitch, this is a Dark and Lovely relaxer kit! Only Indian in me was my last boyfriend who was half-Cherokee! Black people, stop implying that your hair texture is a mixture of other races when YOU know damn well there’s just “Negro and Slave” in your family! White Folks are seriously starting to think all Black people have “Indian” (Actually Native Americans you pricks!) in their family! This is relaxed hair! (Yes I slap the chemicals in my hair. Please spare me with the *natural hair vs. relaxed hair* dialogue. The day I get a natural is the day 1) relaxers suddenly are recalled and yanked off the shelves 2) head cancer is actually linked to relaxers 3) I wake up and my shit is completely bald)

*points to above* See how I’ve completely gotten off the subject? Let me go back…White Folk are strange. Personally I think all White Girls are Sluts and White Guys are Pricks. Even the few White Girl/Guy friends I have fall in these categories (sorry yall but I told yall this before). Sure there’s my “White Guys” fantasy list (with strict guidelines) but the actual thought of me being with a White Guy period makes me ill. I joke all the time that Brad Pitt don’t know what he’s missing…he need to dump Angelina and get with me (Seriously Brad Pitt if you’re reading this…shoot me an email…we can hook up or something…You are one white boy that I will break the rules for) but outside of movies stars, you have to be a fine ass white guy for me to take a second look. I mean, fine as fuck, I mean so fucking fine a little bit of drool fall outta your mouth when he walks past. Not just average White Guy but that fine where you know he should be in a Calvin Klein ad somewhere in his drawers. So fine a Black man is jealous when he see the white guy on your arm kinda looks. But I see White Guys as Pricks- I don’t know why though…hmmm something I have to really think on……

I went to an all white elementary school. By eighth grade- I kid you not- every White girl in my class was sucking dick (Bitches couldn’t even think about taking a sip off my pop after I found that out)…yet were virgins (or so they claimed). Went to an all Black High School (a ghetto as hell one at that) and by the end of freshman year, I suspect 95% of my class were NOT virgins (average age 15)- yet few sucked dick (well besides the around the mill bust down...or so they claimed). More probably did than I’m assuming but that was one subject that was not breached…it was like the plague among girls to find out a female sucked dick. Bitch was marked for life as “such and such…the one (we had a lot of girls with the same name) who sucks dick”. Of course, the boys were delighted, but for the most part in my high school, dick sucking was for "white girls”. Now college was when I got a combination of both Black/White women views when it came to sex. There’s the assumption that White girls rather suck than give up the goodies and Black girls rather give up the goodies than suck dick, hence the high teen pregnancy rate among Black females. <---I think that’s a load of shit (the higher pregnancy rate among Black teenage females) but curiously not the first part. READ ON PLEASE!

Granted, this is a stereotype. Every black person (man and woman) was directly (or indirectly) notified of the sexual practices of Whites. I know I am not the only one! I knew more about White Folks sexual history than my own people! I know Black dudes who specifically ran to White Girls because of their “penchant” for sucking the sausage. My White Boy friend Nick (he would have gotten the business if he wasn’t White and a male hoe-sorry Nick!) even joked and told me we could never be together because he suspect Black Girls can’t suck the dick like a White Girl can”…I happily left him with that impression. I’m not going to speak for every Black woman out there. Some hate it. Some don’t. Some White Girls love it. Some Don’t. But college really awakened to my suspicion on “WHS” (White Girl Slut). You see them all the time. Think “Girls Gone Wild” every Wednesday-Sunday Night on campus. Drunk White Girls gyrating them nasty ass bony hips on the tables, kissing random men (and women), loud and obnoxious as fuck (Bitch I don’t wanna hear you yelling in my fucking ear!), “hooking up” (what the fuck is “hooking up” in White Folk terminology anyway? Seems like it’s everything from kissing to all out fucking to me!), going home with random ass guys and having sex that you will regret the next day because not only did you NOT know the guy, you don’t know his name, address, eye color, tee shirt color or anything but trust he KNOWS YOU! (Nick probably fucked you) These white girls were pathetic! Crying and shit in the bath room on their hot pink Nokia to their sorority sister who left their ass in the first place drunk and at the bar (White girls suck as fucking friends! That's why I can't kick it with my white girl friends- Bitches are prone to disappearing some damn where with some guy or leaving you in a drunken stupor! Damn they just let you wander off with random mutherfuckers talking ‘bout “I’ll call you later Becks!!” Just let you make a damn fool of yourself. We all know- Sistas- we run in packs. You have a better change at getting at Bush than break a "Sista Girl" shield! Aint nobody breaking that shield! You revert to Special Opts Unit forces and shit- cock blocking thirsty niggas, coming to blows with other hoes, making sure they get off the table before they fall in their stilettos, get them away from the ex (preventing a potenial drunken argument that may or may not come to blows and prevent yall from all getting kicked out the damn club) AND you make sure the bitch makes it home, get undressed, have the essentials- Water, aspirins, garabage can by the bed so it's easily accessible AND take car and apartment keys so she can’t make a direct escape. It's almost like babysitting! Hell I’ve been known to even spend the fucking night to make sure you don’t dip off! Shit we COME IN as NINE we LEAVE as NINE- White Girls you can take some notes from the Black Women Friendship book-HOE GET IN THIS CAR! F@!# A RAY RAY! Coming out Summer ‘06).

I know there are Black Girl Sluts out there (called BUST DOWNS in the Chicago vernacular) - Hell UIUC had a gang of them! Mostly they were Black Greek or Athlete hoes (you know the type)...but still. White Girls are Sluts. Sure the older you get, the less oral sex becomes a taboo, but shit it’s the admitting part that’s hard. Hell you can be friends with a female since birth and she won’t reveal she suck dick until it slips out in an accidental conversation and still there’s that awkward silence which usually ends with you blurting “Girl…so you do that huh?” Sometimes you confess. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you even go as far to reiterate (knowing you lying like a muthafucker) how you don’t suck dick and you never sucked any of your boyfriends' dicks (once again knowing you lying like a muthafucker) but he just “like” to give and not receive. Hell, I do it. I don’t really like doing it-it’s not a “skill” I work to perfect, but I give it- but I LOVE to receive it though :-) It’s just not a big deal to me (anymore). I haven’t done it to everyone nor do I plan to. But I do believe in pleasing my man and unless your man is 1) cheating and you know it 2) have random bumps and shit around his dick or he has had an STD or 3) Stinks “down below” (even after a shower)- then you should do it (LOL..Look at me endorsing the “Dick Sucker Unite” campaign, coming soon to a city near you!!)

I also think White Girls are spineless ass twisted broads. Stop fucking crying all the damn time! Bitches just cry over nothing- damn get a fucking backbone! I am the first to admit I am not a crier. I don't even think I have tear ducts. But please, White Girls, suck that shit up! Eat something! Being 25 years old and 97 lbs is NOT sexy! Eat a fucking steak! Collar bones, Hip bones, and Stick Thin arms are NOT pretty to look at…When I see one of yall, I seriously want to plan an intervention and check you into a clinic or something. I’m sorry- Eating Disorders are strictly “White Folk” diseases—I’ll slap a Black girl if I ever hear her confess she’s anorexic or Bulimic! Bitch eat! I hate to see clothes fall all off your damn body- low rise jeans and no ass are not an option! That shit is sickening! Pants just saggy as hell in the back with your little hip bone protruding over the jeans, makes me want to hurl! White Men: Stop lying and telling your women they look good like that! You are corrupting them! Stop tanning! Tanning to the point of looking orange is not cute! We know damn well in DC walking around bronze in February screams “tanning salon!” You did not go to the Bahamas over the weekend! Stop lying to yourself! But on the other hand, some White Girls: Hit a tanning salon! I feel like you’re “last man walking” when I see your chalky ass walking down the street! Damn a little sun in your life is desperately needed! Looking like you’re about to pass out from hunger and shit! I know Black people have health issues but I rather die fat and happy than scrawny and miserable b/c my daily calorie intake did not include steak! Lastly, Stop fucking quoting calories to me! I can give a fuck less about the calories in a grapefruit! Maybe I’ll change my mind about White People, Stereotyping, Relaxers, and my Eating Habits…but it won’t be today and it damn sure won’t be tomorrow!!

Any Comments?

Monday, February 20, 2006

Bush Is My Favorite Comedian

I said I will get this over with right now so I don’t have to bring it up in another post. I don’t Bush *big shock there*. I don’t like what he stands for and I think he is going to run this already fucked up country into the ground. I can go on and on about the lies he spews from his mouth all day long but there are plenty of other sites dedicated to the hatred of Bush (and other Republicans in general). In 2004, I was so sure that Bush would lose but sadly RED STATES had to mess it up for the rest of us- Damn Bible Thumpers!!! I voted for Kerry personally. What a waste of a vote.

But you know what? As much as Bush disgusts me, I have to give the man credit. That muthafucker is a champion bull shitter. He lies so much that to anyone else- their “B.S.” radar starting shooting off flames and shyt. Sadly to the other dumb asses out there- let’s just say “Blind and Dumb” (and that’s being nice!!) Bush reminds me of a muthafucker who is a chronic, pathological liar. At first you actually believe what comes out their mouth, for example:

Liar: You know I’m Usher’s cousin, right?

You (being the dumb ass): For real? Ooh I have all his c.ds! Is it true he’s hooking up with Naomi Campbell?

But as time go on…that “B.S.” radar start kicking in:

Liar: I got a 2006 Bentley…but uh yeah I just ride the bus cuz I don’t wanna get jacked for my whip

You (thinking): Yeah right nigga….who the fuck you fooling… (Out loud in a bored tone) Oh, for real? You must got them grown mens on it too huh? Damn you must have real chedda too huh?

*Points to above conversations* As you can see…after while you spot the lying ass for what they are…A LIAR!!! But sadly, there’s some people who just never quite “catch” on to the lie. Sure they might “feel” like a person is lying but in their “rational” mind they think “Well, why would this person lie?” Thus “Blind and Dumb” to the situation. After a while the liar catches on to this dinginess and just run with it…spitting all kinda lies-“There are weapons of mass destruction….”) and shyt knowing no one but YOU will ever call them on it. So with that said- Bush is my favorite comedian. Every time he opens his mouth, I laugh because I know some new joke will fall out his mouth. I’m on to his lies, you reading this blog is probably on to it but the AMERICAN public “B.S” radar have yet to kick into full gear. I aint mad at Bush- keep fucking lying because I know how you work. If some dummies are gonna keep endorsing you even AFTER you’re exposed for the fraud you are-well keep on doing whatcha do—I am not even going to hate. HELL- teach me to lie like that…I sure can use some Bush 101- Lying for Dummies- lessons. I might have gotten more “textbook” money from my parents during Undergrad.

Lately a friend at work has been turning me toward international news. After watching a few programs—I’m sorry America, but we are dumb. Our media is heavily regulated and the “real” news is shown on international circuits. Our media is bias anyway so I take everything they say with a grain of salt. One of my main problems with the media is: IT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT MINORITIES!! I live in DC now and the only time I see Black folk on the news is when they have this 15 minutes segment of all the shootings that went on in DC THAT DAY! I thought Chicago was bad…lol. I heard all the time about the random little white girl who came up missing or the poor white officer shot and killed in the line of duty but do I ever hear about the Black woman who has been missing for six weeks? Or the Black officer that was killed in the line of duty? NO…unless someone exposes the media and they do like two weeks of “We care about Black People” coverage…and then it’s right back to business covering dumb ass white girls who should know better than to run off with some strange ass muthafucker while you’re visiting in a fucking country that you don’t know shit about. Hell I won’t go a new grocery store in my neighborhood without my damn boyfriend let alone trekking through some random ass country with some guys that I met in a bar. Say it with me: WHITE PEOPLE THINK BEFORE YOU DO! YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT, ARE NOT RUNNIN’ SHIT NO MORE!

*points to above paragraph* But you can’t tell some people that. Hey I know there are terrorists out there. Are they concerned about me? Hell naw! Do I even give a damn about what’s going on in their country? Hell naw! I can barely point it out on the map! You know people hate your ass when they BLOW themselves up to prove a point. Do I wish America would mind its own damn business? Yes! Bring our troops home! I’ve always wondered why the hell we go to countries when we don’t speak the language. Shouldn’t there be a crash course in languages in the military? I’m sure hella problems could be resolved if we knew what the hell they were saying- like “Hey, a terrorist is actually living in that house” or “There are only women/children left in this village” or better yet “THAT MUTHAFUCKER HAS A BOMB/GUN/SLING SHOT/ETC!!” I know the military lies too- way more civilians and soldiers are dead than statistics show- way more!

*points to above paragraph* But you can’t tell people that. I don’t knock the military. I have a lot of family and friends who have passed through the Marines, Army, Navy and National Guards. Some are still over there in Iraq. Some are not. I just believe Bush is playing on people’s fears to justify some shyt. I remember the night before the elections- the so-called Osama tapes. I am so tired of these damn tapes. One- he must got hella time on his hands (you know besides planning another attack and all) to make a tape (in the fucking mountains or wherever he’s hiding- no power regardless) have a foot soldier trek into town and deliver it to someone who can get it to whoever it needs to go to. Second- the tapes are edited as hell. I KNOW the media doesn’t get the entire tape. Pentagon has chopped that shit up. Third: IT IS NOT IN ENGLISH!! I don’t trust a fucking translator word! Hello people!! The translator work for the GOVERNMENT!! Besides Osama’s words aren’t even heard- it’s muted for the most part. You just see his damn mouth moving. You just have to go off what the “government” claims he is saying. I personally think the muthafucker is reading a grocery list or chastising someone in his camp for “playing with the fucking camera.” He’s probably like, “Man cut that shyt out before Bush gets a hold of this shyt and lie his ass off to the dumb ass people who endorsed him.” I can’t be threatened by someone who’s lying down half the time in his damn video. Shyt get the hell up! Start screaming and pointing your fingers at the camera. Wave your hands around! Do something to scare my ass! But you know what: same dumb ass tape probably was what got Bush back in office!

Bush is the champion when it comes to bull shiting someone. Continue to tickle the hell out of me Mr. President. I know the terrorists, like America, don’t give a damn about Black Folks anyway!!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Are You There World? I'm Here.....

Hi Everyone Out There In Blogger World!

I'm new to this sort of thing but after being addicted to reading other people's blogs, I've decided to create one of my own. If you're here looking for celeb gossip or anything like that- let me show you the exit *points to close bottom top left* b/c that aint me!!! I can, however, refer you to such sites. I have as many jokes and comments about celebs life just like anyone else- but hey I'm lazy. I don't have the energy to scour the internet for pics and what-have-yous...I'll leave that to the professionals. I can, however, let you in my crazy ass life and you can be highly entertained...Or bored.

Let's start with the basics:

I'm 22 (23 in May), African American, and female. Currently I live in the DC area with my boyfriend of four years (sorry men I am taken...but I am currently taking applications for a man on the side LOL) but I hail from CHICAGO and have no problem mentioning it every five seconds. I love CHICAGO!!! All my CHICAGO peeps shoot me a holla (ok that was a little lame but screw you- I love my city). I attended the University of Illinois @ Urbana-Champaign for four wonderful years (and hell yeah I graduated in four- no fifth year senior here!!) and now I am just bumming around DC, getting lost all the damn time and trying to put my degree to some real use.

Let's see...hmmm I'm 5'2'', 132 lbs and I walk around like I'm Nino Brown or something. I swear God just knew I wasn't meant to be male because I would probably be: 1) dead as fuck for shooting off at the mouth and getting shot up by some random ass nigga 2) gay as hell because I LOVE the penis (not up the ass pervs...but I just love it too much to even think about women even if I was a male) 3)some random ass pervert because I am a sexual harassment suit just waiting to happen (seriously my hands have gotten me in trouble over the years). I have a serious temper (my pimp hand have been graced many faces over the year) and I have been thrown out of more places than I can think of (fuck you anyway I-HOP I don't like your food anyway). I know I know, most of yall are turning away in disdain or already writing your nasty comments but who cares? If you don't like my blog- PLEASE LEAVE!!!

I am young (like I said I'm 22) so for all you old heads (meaning 25+) lurking around- I don't need a lecture! My mama and daddy are both alive and well in Chicago. If I wanted to hear a lecture about bad grammar, cursing, the complexities of hip hop and why Lil Jon songs sucks- I'll call them ok? Don't come on my blog talking foolishness basically. Sorry if I'm not as worldly and "mature"- I'm an immature mutha ok? I love cartoons hell I still wear cartoon undies, I still rock "urban brands"- you can't tear me from my Baby Phat jeans (I hate how "adult" brand jeans look anyway, make me look like my damn momma and shyt- pants scrunched up all around your stomach and shyt- NOT SEXY in my opinion!), I curse (a lot- please spare me with the "I hate women who curse- it's so unladylike" or "cursing= ignorance/lack of intelligence"- I know when, where,and how much to curse- it's not my everyday vocab- but it will be on this blog!!), I still act like an ignant ass hood ass sista (although I have a degree AND a well paying job), and I just DON'T CARE!!! If you would like to educate me-fine. I love school (yes I was a nerd all through high school. Kinda easy when 95% of your graduating class had three kids by 17 and main goal in life was to "go to hair school" or "get Ray-Ray on lock by having yet another shawty"). I can't bear insult on that. Don't come on here starting mess though- I aint having it!!

I am a rambler too. I go off the subject and get right back on it like I did not spend five minutes discussing the crack in Starbucks coffee and White Girls who need to come home with me for a hot ass meal (damn now that I think about it- that's why none of my English papers were higher than a "B"). I like to joke around- I have a fucked up sense of humor. On the otherhand- I am awkward, clumsy as hell- I trip over air I KID YOU NOT, and super loyal (until you piss me off and I write you off in my book). Either you love me or you hate me-no inbetween. I can be a really evil wrench but I can be sooo nice and sweet. But do not test my gangsta!! LOL

I'm just an over-opinionated female with too much energy and an overactive imagination so this is a venue to vent about the shit I don't have enough daytime minutes to discuss with my friends. My boyfriend, bless his heart, has had enough of me so I decided to vent to the world. I'm lazy so don't look for cute clever pics to describe my mood, reliable sources, any research to back up my claims, or anything like that. This is just what I feel. Now on the otherhand, if you wanna do the work for me- fine. I'll get you your props and all that- otherwise don't look for anything but words here. That's what a blog is right? An online journal? I might put a pic of me up or something eventually but I have had stalkers (No seriously but that's another post) Well enjoy and hopefully as time goes on you'll get to my know my crazy character and laugh and say "That damn Tenacious is a trip". Welcome to my world!!!