Monday, December 31, 2007

'07 Wasn't A Complete Bust...

As we approach the New Year…

Best believe my ass is not going to make any resolutions because I know I will not follow through with any.

Ah New Years…Always good for one of my friends to reveal some life altering, mind shattering confession *always a drunken confession* that is sure to shock the alcohol out of us.

Let’s see…there was the year my best friend G revealed he was gay.
…Ok I knew that one. I mean I did walk in on him and some guy. And that guy was giving him some pretty nice mouth service.

I was horrified, I mean who wants to catch any friend in a compromising position, but it sure didn’t stop my pervy ass from looking *lol*
…And asking questions later.

Then there was another time when my friend revealed that the guy who we thought she was pregnant by was indeed not the father. To add to the blow, this was screamed out at a party during a heated argument.
…Boy that was an awkward ride back in the car.

Oh and I can’t forget the classic “I’m cheating on you…with your cousin” confession.
…I almost spilled my drank on that one. Almost. You know I’m not letting a drop of alcohol hit the floor. It doesn’t help that the cousin had a girlfriend at the time that also happened to be at the same party. It was a “two bitches on a side street” slap fest.

…Although I can’t help but wonder if my best friend and I were bad friends because we were hopelessly drunk and egging on the fight from the sidelines. There’s nothing worse than two cackling, drunk bitches hollering shit like, “Girl you’re going to take that…I mean she was sucking your man’s dick?!” while howling with laughter while holding ourselves up to prevent collapsing in the snow.

Clearly my friends and I have the “Jerry Springer/Maury/Ricki Lake” type of drama on New Years.
…Ok well every major holiday since we started sneaking vodka out of our parent’s liquor cabinets at 16.

Ok usually we’re long drunk before midnight but that’s not the point.

Since I’ve recently shunned alcoholic beverages as I’m remaining faithful to my diet/exercise regiment, I don’t know how this New Years will turn out as this will be the first year I’m sober on New Years in a long time.

And yes, I’m still sticking to my diet plan. So far I have lost 10lbs. and about 2 ½ inches from my waist line. I’m working out close to 6 days a week for an hour doing a combination of cardio, elliptical, and abs works *depending on the day* while calorie counting and shunning red meat and the swine.

*sigh* Yes I have joined the world of “turkey bacon”. Those little thin ass strips of meat that you never know when they’re done…since they just lay there all limp and shit. Don’t even crackle or anything. Just lying on the bottom of the pan.

Lord knows I love the swine but I had to give up my ham, bacon and pork chops. I won’t trip on how the pig has never failed me but…*sad wave*

…And it cracks me up to say “swine”. JBN refuses to say “pork” or “pig”, he calls it the “swine”. I’m like, “What the fuck…You Muslim now?” but it cracks me up nonetheless.

And now Pro has added on to my amusing word list with the word "fowl". No longer will I say "chicken" but now "fowl" has entered my vocabulary.

I mean it's not going to stop me from eating it but it gives me a chuckle.

Clearly…I am easily amused.

I can see ’08 being that year for me. Not only am I entering the year with a promotion, putting me a few steps closer to my goal of being a General Manager of a major hotel chain by the time I’m 30, but I’m also getting married.

Who would have thought me of all people as a married woman?

As much as I eye ball the opposite sex...soon I will have a shiny new ring on my finger that will NOT stop men from trying to holler but at least I'm not lying when I now say "I'm married."

And am I wrong for being too eager to shed my father's last name? I mean hypenated my ass, I'm exchanging this bad boy.

*tear* Soon...I will have a maiden name.
...Although I used to wonder why there was so much emphasis on having one's mother's maiden name for everything. It took me a long time to realize with so many dead beat fathers, not to mention all the whores who don't know who their child's father is, that's not really feasible.

But...Wouldn't it be kind of funny?

I mean instead of sending rejection letters based on credit *sigh* why not just do it for lack of father's name?

...Like..."Records show that Smith/John is NOT the last name of your father on your birth certificate...Credit Approval DENIED"
...But that might lead to some awkward questions about one's parentage.

But still...lil' ol' me as a married woman?

Ok I used to play “MASH” and I thought I would be married, in a mansion, with 2 kids by the time I was 21 but clearly as a 11 year old girl I was smoking crack *lol*

I remember when I thought being 21 was equivalent to my mother’s age.

Come to think of it…nowadays I feel like I’m my parents’ age compared to the youth today. I’m 24 years old and sometimes it feels like I’m like in my 50s or something.

I graduated from high school in 2001, college 2005 and with all this shit out here nowadays, I feel old when I admit I had a portable cd player in high school.

Don’t front like I was the only one who carried a gang of cds with them to school. Had the little broke up headphone piece held together with tape. Lost the back of the battery holder so you had to put your hand over the opening so the batteries wouldn’t fall out.

Like I said…graduated from high school in 2001. Those things are like relics now. You’re like, poor, if you can’t afford an I-pod.

Here’s to another year of successfully dodging pregnancy, some of my exes, and the police.

Happy New Years!!!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

End of the Year Meme...

**Thanks Isis!!

1) Was 2007 a good year for you?
It was a damn good year. I’ve had my complaints, trials and tribulations *cue violin* but not a complete bust. Even I am surprised.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Trying on my wedding dress and looking in the mirror. I’m looking like “Wow, I’ve never imagined this moment”. I saw myself as an adult that day.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Falling out with a friend. Thought that person was down for me but turns out petty jealousy and envy broke our bond.

4) Where were you when 2007 began?
Drunk and near passed out at a party. Ah what a way to being the year.

5) Who were you with?
JBN, friends, strangers

6) Where will you be when 2007 ends?
I’m going out but this will be a sober year.

7) Who will you be with when 2007 ends?
Surrounded by friends.

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2007?
I don't even bother to make those anymore.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2008?
See above

10) Did you fall in love in 2007?
Been in love since ‘02

11) If yes, with who?

12) If yes, do they know?
He better! lol

13) Are you still in love with them?

14) You regret it?
I never regret anything I do.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2007?
”Broke up” with some friends but that’s it.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2008?
I made a few

17) Who are your (most memorable) favorite new friends?
Def. Jigalow and one of my co-workers

18) What was your favorite month of 2007?

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2007?

20) How many different states have you traveled in 2007?
Let’s see…Nevada, Missouri, Florida. Michigan and Pennsylvania….I’m not going to count Maryland or Illinois for obvious reasons

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2007?

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
My family.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2007?
Super Bad and the last Harry Potter

24) What was your favorite song from 2007?
Kitty Kat--Beyonce

25) What was your favorite album from 2007?
Robin Thicke’s and Justin Timberlake’s are really the only albums I listened to obsessively

26) How many concerts did you see in 2007?

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2007?
I just saw Robin Thicke

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
But of course….but I’ve slowed down since dieting

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
yeah…birth control is a hellva drug

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2007?
One…duh. But lawd if I didn’t fantasize about one or two people…..

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I was ashamed of going to get that 4th plate when we went to an all you can eat buffet.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2007?
That my feelings were mutual for a person knowing damn well I was lying.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
I love you

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Not really

36) How much money did you spend in 2007?
A Lot

37) What was your proudest moment of 2007?
Watching my baby brother get married. I’m so proud of the way he has turned his life around.

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2007?
Oooh lord. That’s a lot. I guess when I was swimming in the ocean and something brushed against my legs and I ran out the water shrieking and screaming. That’s one right there.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 what would it be?
I sure would not have began talking to him that’s for sure.

40) What are your plans for 2008?
Continue to rise within the company, get married, and buy my Acura.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Yeah...I'm Shocked Too....

You know I never realized how many “friends” I had until I began formulating the guest list for my wedding.

Although I am 100% positive that many of my so-called “friends” are fueled by the fact that we’re having a four hour open bar.

I mean the promise of free alcohol is how JBN lured me to his room that first time.

Or maybe it was the promise of real pizza and not that crap the cafeteria served.

Come to think of it, the promise of free booze or food always managed to lure me somewhere.


So yeah…I’m back.

For good this time. I promise. My muse left me but apparently decided to come back. Fucker was on an unpaid vacation and shit.

So far this wedding planning isn’t half bad. I mean sure I have to patiently explain to people why I’m not mailing out invites yet…I mean the wedding is in August, folks been sweating me since September.

Oh and I haven’t even bought any invites anyway but that’s not the point.

And I have to patiently explain to my mother and the rest of my kin folk that inviting people who I have NO idea who they are is NOT an option.

As if your poker buddy is going to buy me a nice gift.

And not to mention there are gasps of disbelief that I do not want a bridal shower.

I mean we’ve been together 5 years…trust I have all the skanky lingerie there is. I don’t need crotch less panties or edible undies…trust those are in the closet next to the handcuffs. *wink*

But…as I said, not half bad.

The last few months have been kind of rough on me.

There’s this whole wedding thing, which was a headache and a half. I mean I am trying to do almost everything myself *since I know what I like and want* from the DC area and although my aunt and now my Mo-Mo *godmother* is on the train…things are looking up.

My brother, yes my shiftless lazy ass brother with numerous children, got married in November…and apparently found God.
Which I’m not hating on, I mean in the few short months he have really turned his life around and I couldn’t be prouder. To go from the lazy asshole mooching off of my mother to getting married and holding down a full time job not to mention getting back in the church is an excellent thing.

My family wasn’t without the side eye though. I mean this is my brother we’re talking about. I was in disbelief when I got the phone call.

I had to ask my mother did I have a new brother or something.

I won’t get into his church though. *side eye* Say what you want but I’m not into one of those churches where everyone is hollering and screaming, writhing on the floor from the Holy Ghost and all that jazz. I literally left his church with a migraine.

I mean why have a sound system when I can clearly hear you screaming from down the street? And all the fire and brimstone? Not for me.

And the lady that damn near went into an epilepsic seizure in front of me kind of did it for me. All the whooping and hollering and as soon as the music stops, she picks her ass up from the floor like it’s nothing.

*side eye*

But ummm yeah, my baby brother beat me to the alter.

I won’t even go into work. *sigh* I just won’t. I like 95% of my co workers, I really do. It’s not too many work places where political correctness is frowned upon. Oh yeah, we’re some filthy mouth racist *or so we have been told by another co-worker who was uncomfortable with our daily conversations about sex, penis, vagina, more sex, and the occasional racial stereotype thrown in for good measure*

And let’s not get on the blatant sexual harassment.

But the last few months have really been trying. I hate lazy people and I hate the fact that because I’m one of the hardest working persons in my department that shit comes down on me when other lazy motherfuckers decide to slack on their job.

So every day was a bitch fest. I mean I am not the type to remain quiet about shit especially when it comes to MY job and MY work duties. I’ll be damn if I get hollered for anything that pertains to me.

Niggas will have to pump those brakes. I don’t play that.

Don’t get me wrong I’m far from a whistle blower. I don’t believe in running to my superiors or HR for every little thing—I’m a face to face confronter. For the most part, I just do my job and my job only but you know how the actions of lazy people eventually affects your work and like I said, I’ll be damned if I let someone get me in hot water, so outside of daily calling folks out, I got into it with a few of my co workers.

It’s not a surprise it’s really the people I don’t get along with so I knew the shit was going to hit the fan anyway. I guess they thought by trying to make me look bad, I would get fired or a write up or something.

Clearly fucking with the wrong person. Testing my gangster while at work is the wrong thing to do.

Shit done fucked up your gift card for the Secret Santa and shit. *lol*

But...all my bitching has paid off.

In the next few weeks, I will be the supervisor over the SAME folks I have problems with.

Yeah that’s right…bitch got a well-deserved promotion.

*Not like I wasn’t doing the same shit before but now my ass is getting PAID to do it*

I should have taken a picture of their faces when it was announced. Straight gas faces. Faces looked like the world was over. One chick even got up and left the room.

*insert my self-satisfied smirk*

I’m now like a casting director…what are you really willing to do in order to get Saturday night off?

*eyes cut to the “chair” *hell my office isn’t big enough for a couch*

*sinister smile as I slowly close my office door*

Revenge has never smelled sweeter.