Adventures At The Doctor's Office

Since I'm sitting at home stuck with the flu AGAIN...

Too stubborn to go to the doctor's office AGAIN...

Because of my foolishness the LAST time I went to the doctor's…I’m vowing to never show my face unless it’s a real emergency…and not one of my house/webmd/wikipedia self diagnosis lol

Is it weird that I don't like male doctors? I don't mind my dentist, who is a male, although he's a little too intimate with my mouth. He doesn’t skeeve me out like he used to do, I don’t think he’s going to molest me in the event that I have to go under for some major dental work, but that took a while…oh and healthy teeth to get over my wariness of him.

Forgive me, I have an overactive imagination…and I watch too much Life Time. Damn sinister movie doctors with probing fingers have forever tainted my mind.

So a couple of months ago, it was time for my annual to make sure the no-no area was still in good working condition.

I had picked a new doctor (my downfall) because my old doctor has gotten tired of me. Ok technically she went into private practice, but I think she left because of me and my frantic emails I would send her CONVINCED I had some disease that was eradicated 60 years ago.

Like I said an overactive imagination and too much time on the internet is my own down fall. Not to mention the constant germ wars in the office.

Being completely lazy, not bothering to do my usual background checks, I just randomly selected a name and went about my business, assuming of course my new doctor was a woman.

So I’m sitting on the table, wrapped up in that cheap ass paper towel gown, although I always wonder the real purpose of the gown since all the naughty areas are about to be looked at and felt up anyway, ripping it as I shift around when this…man just walks in.

I tell you, I couldn’t get off that table quick enough.

Naturally he’s looking at me like I’m all types of crazy (which I’m sure that’s how I'm looking) and I’m looking at him like he’s all types of crazy. The nurse who comes in after him is looking at the both of us like we’re both crazy…and she don’t have time for this shit because she wants to go on lunch.

He’s my new doctor. I knew I should’ve just gone with an obvious woman’s first name.

So I am NOT pleased at this point…ok just a little bit because the doctor is kind of cute. Kind of. A little skinny for my taste but not bad.

Yeah…pervert tendencies click on during the most inappropriate times.

Now if the wait time for a new doctor was not agonizingly long (and I didn’t need my prescription of birth control-my year’s supply was up at the time point) I would’ve scooted my ripped up towel robe ass down the hall.

But I decided to suck it up…for this doctor’s appointment and get down and dirty.

I’ve had male doctors before…not that I was pleased about that. But I survived through it.

I mean I am selective on whose face I’m sticking my vagina toward.

So of course, like a Chatty Cathy, he’s just squeezing, dipping, and probing my poor little body. And I’m just wishing he would shut up because it’s kind of awkward to talk about the weather when you’re probing for tumors.

After about 15 agonizing minutes, mainly because I just wasn’t scooting down far enough for his liking. I felt like asking him did he want my coochie lips to touch his real lips, I mean my ass was damn near off the table, he wanted to get all up close and personal.

I’m thinking damn most men have to spring for dinner and a movie to get this close…this guy looks at it all day for free…minus the co-pay of course.

Which led me to think, as a male gyno, do they ever just get tired of pussy? Like they are not even interested in sex anymore because of the amount of pussy they look at while at work-including the gross ones?

All of this over thinking eventually led me to think of an old Family Guy episode, which caused a fit of giggles that I couldn’t stop…and I accidentally kicked the doctor…in the face.

And then in the haste of trying to get off the table, apologizing profusely, the rest of the gown ripped off.

You can just imagine how all of this looked.

So while the doctor went to clean his bleeding nose, the nurse finished up, watching my feet (with good reason). Who just randomly gets the giggles and kicks the doctor in the face?

I got that prescription and ran out the door.

And I haven’t been back ever since.

Don't judge me lol