I'm Contributing $5 To The BET Budget....

So yesterday due to lack of anything good on TV, I sat down and *gasped* watched BET.

Yes…I watched the BET Awards. And since I’m a hater, I hated on the entire show *lol* Except a few parts, which I liked. The rest…Damn shame there wasn’t anything better on TV. I mean really, could I have gotten a few reruns or something?

Ok I missed, like the first 20 minutes of the show and the entire red carpet thing so I didn’t see the Jennifers sing. I’m sure it was a hot mess all around.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Jennifer Hudson and NOT because she’s repping the Chi. She’s a gorgeous woman, fantastic voice but umm yeah…Ima need her to sit down somewhere. I haven’t even seen DreamGirls and I’m tired of that song.

She did, however, have a cute dress on.

But Best New Artist….?

And NO Album? I’m glad she said that though.

I don’t care what folks say, I kind of like Mo’Nique. Sure that weave was a lil’ tired and I’m really going to need her stylist to NOT stuff her in dresses that make it pretty obvious that her stomach sticks out more than her breasts cuz Sista aint got no form of so-called “Big Girl” titties and she was a lil dry on stage. But she rocked quite a few outfits. Namely the red dress and the white pantsuit at the end. I want that damn red dress. And the “Do Me” heels? Fed Ex them bad boys to me right now!

T.I. *sigh* I just want to feed him a chicken sandwich. Maybe two. He can still get it, ya know. Just no kissing due to the scar around his mouth. And um yeah those STD/HIV tests are still mandatory.

Ne-Yo. Still mad cat-fish looking.

Fabolous…He’s looking a little off to me lately. I can’t put my fingers on it but he’s looking quite…special nowadays.

I like Beyonce. Yeah I said it!

I liked her performance. Complete with the gold metal bra and sequined leggings. Ok well maybe not the outfit *lol* but I liked her performance. I thought it was cute. It’s nice to see Michelle and Solange getting work.

However I am not feeling the dance number for that song. I don’t really like the video, although I want a weave ponytail so I can swing it around like B at the club *and probably get fucked up for my hair falling into someone’s drank* some parts of the dance is nice but others…eh.

Although I think she dulled down her performance so Kelly could shine because you know people will compare it to hers but Kelly's was ok. Singing could have been better but um yeah Kelly can UPS me her legs and Eve…Ima need those boots STAT…thank you. The whole concept was cute *at least to me* and Beyonce looked really happy for Kelly.

Although Solange was NOT a member of Destiny's Child so they could have left her ass off the split screen.

P. Diddy, Keyshia Cole and Lil Kim did give me my first good laugh of the night. Ummm…why? That’s all I have to say. Kim must have been getting my emails about her rocking a bra at ALL times though. They weren’t dragging to the floor as in previous pictures. She has gotten a lil’ thick too. One sandwich away is all I’m saying though.

Keyshia has a nice voice but I don't really like how she seems to howl whenever she gets on a stage. And two stiff ass people need not to coordinate a dance. We all know Diddy can't dance for shit *but he can spin in a circle, coat billowing behind him like the best of them* but it was painfully obvious neither one can hold a beat to save their careers.

Her pants were hot. The wife beater? Eh not so much.

I was severly disappointed by Robin Thicke's performance. I know he can better than that shit. And I hate that damn song. That is the weakest song off his album, he should have "debuted" a new song or something. But he can still get it three times though, bad singing and all.

I mean it's not like he was the worst of the night.

And please BET…can we get some more rehearsals for reading off the tele-promoter please? You know most of them can barely write their names let along read big words. I have stage fright and I can do better than most of the presenters. Folks up there sounding dry, missing cues, bad jokes, and looking awkward as shit.

Come to think of it:

1. Chris...Just stop. Let’s let the 80s die ok?

2. Lauren London…HOT. I think she is so cute.

3. Reggie Bush…He can still get it but Ima need him to work on his pronunciation.

4. Ashanti…I see she went to the same dress maker as her little sister.

5. Lil Wayne…I know he was high on something. He has a cute lil girl though. I was feeling the little kids’ outfits. Granted my kids wouldn’t walk out the door in that shit but it was cute on her. I still want to Lysol him down though.

6. Mmmm Henry Simmons. That is all. Damn the gay rumor, he is sexy as hell!

7. Patti. Lawd knows I loves me some Patti but that dress….

8. Ya know if you struggle to read kind words about your moms off a tele-prompter…maybe you should improvise. Just a thought.

9. And aside from one or two, those videos that were shown before the nominees were not hot!

10. Was it me or were there more performances than actual awards?

And while I admit that I like T-Pain, he will my comedic muse for quite some time, the “Prep” look only works, if well, you washed your ass before the show.

Oh yeah and you don’t look like a spider monkey with glasses.

BUT I love the song and I liked the quasi-performance.

Who were the other two dudes though? Someone help me out.

I missed 50’s performance. Hey I had to get something to eat. I heard there were technical difficulties. Tony Yayo…I swear that man is gay. He’s a little too close to 50 if you get what I mean. And he should NEVER go without facial hair. I know it makes some men very clean cut but when you’re already dirty…come on now!

I enjoyed Diane Ross’s tribute. She is looking pretty good for 63. Erykah rocked it though!

Although…Stevie’s stylish must have a hellva sense of humor because that jacket was NOT hot.

Confession: I always wanted Diane’s hair. My hair is as thick as hers but no way is it that full. I always wanted her wild hair. My mother saw otherwise.

I did not, however, like the Gerald Levert tribute. I mean could I have gotten a…Gerald Levert song?!

Now they did sing extremely well *I was side eyeing Gladys wig though* but it was too…gospel-ly for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I love gospel music but umm…do Black people always have to bust out the gospel, complete with long drawn out singing, for every BET event? I get it: Black folks love the church! But damn…can a tribute consist of a song the person being honored actually sang?

*still side eyeing Patti’s dress*

James Brown tribute…eh. It was ok I guess. Public Enemy is a little too old though to be hopping around the stage. Chuck D was looking a little out of breathe.

Ciara…well at least it is confirmed sista girl is a dancer and NOT a singer. I’m bias though, I love the song and you know my fake Fatima ass know the dance steps. Except the one when she leans all the way back…um yeah I tried that once. Let’s just say I had to soak in Epsom Salt when JBN scraped me off of the floor.

Overall…I can see why I stick to the MTV awards. At least their budget is better.

Don't Call It A Comeback....

It’s a damn shame when you haven’t written in so long, you’ve forgotten your password.

I think I have a persistent strand of Malaria or something. As soon as I get well, I mean as soon as my nose clears up and I can actually smell something, I get sick all over again.

I’m convinced it’s work. You know you’re fine until you pull into the parking lot and all of a sudden you’re coughing and sneezing? I swear that’s me. I’m fine at home but as soon as I hit 110, my throat contracts and I have to pull over because I’m coughing too hard to see straight. I think I should have a note that excludes me from work, benefits and pay included of course, but my doctor and boss are not convinced.

Do people still get sick notes from the doctor?

I remember in college I got sick notes like they were going out of style. I mean having a hang over is not a medical condition but I sure could fake it like I had a cold or something. I’m sure my professor(s) thought I was about to drop dead given all the notes I gave.

Best believe I used all four/five of those “missed class penalties before it affects your grade” days.

I probably would have done better in some classes if it wasn’t for $5 pitchers of Long Island Ice Tea at White Horse on Wednesday. I mean really, who puts all the good drink specials on a weekday? Like I’m going to pass up $1 shots!

So here it is hot as hell outside and I’m having hot flashes. It’s 90 degrees and I have on a hoodie and sweats complaining that I am freezing. Then at night I’m lowering the AC to 60 and I’m kicking the covers off complaining I’m hot.

And why is it when you’re sick it seems like people want to get extra close to you to talk?

I don’t like being around too many people when I’m sick, you know I’m considerate enough to not want to release the Plague of 7 Deaths on people, but people want to get all up in my face to ask a question.

Ima need your breathe to not be on the back of my neck.

Then have the nerve to have an attitude when I tell you to fall back.

Probably the same damn reason I’m sick, too many people in my face.

Damn Community germs.

I’m going to start wearing the white mask over my mouth like the Koreans who do my nails do. Although…damn can I get a mask too? Why do I have to breathe in the fumes? Can I have healthy lungs too?
My best friend FH is finally back from Iraq. Alive and well. She’s relocating to San Antonio so a road trip is in order. Broad is still crazy.

She’s going to live next door to a strip club. I was like well there you go…part time job right there. She’d never be late for work. And after every dance she can go home and shower.

I told her I would strip but the pole is a little too unsanitary for my taste. I mean all that random coochie juice on the pole and you expect me to put my own coochie there? Please. I’d have to wipe that stage down with ammonia, bleach and Lysol spray before a bare body part touches any parts of the stage. And damn those strippers shoes, I’m too clumsy, I’m stripping in some footies.

With the little balls in the back. Gotta keep it hood.

*lol*

But until I am completely well, my ass is on house arrest.

Well besides tanning that is. Gotta get my chocolate on.

Viva Las Vegas Part 2

Got to the hotel, checked in, took a quick shower, and it was off to the strip for us.

Ok…here’s where our common sense failed us.

We stayed next to the Convention Center which is about a mile off the strip. Next time we’re springing to stay on the Strip. The monorail is next to the Convention Center, which would take us on a quick *and refreshingly cool* ride to the Strip.

What do our black asses opt to do?

WALK.

IN 95 FUCKING DEGREE WEATHER.

TO THE STRIP.

Never the fuck again.

I don’t even like walking 4 blocks to the Metro anymore.

What made me think I could walk A MILE to the strip?

I’m breathing hard and sweating and I’m just in front of the hotel?!

I’m hot, miserable, sweating running down my back, feet hurting *although they were fierce in my Coach loafers* and I’m like dying. No shade. Hell no bugs were even out in that heat.

Just some Mexicans with wet shirts around their head. They offered me a shirt but tuh fuck up my hair?! With water?! Nigga you nuts!

So when we FINALLY hit the strip, we did the tourist thing. Snapping pictures of any and every thing. Ducking in and out of casinos. Losing money of course. Shopping at The Forum. Eating. Talking on the phone and avoiding all the bodies and traffic.

Some basketball dude was in The Forum causing a commotion. Shit he wasn’t anyone I wanted to see so I kept it moving. Like I knew who he was anyway.

JBN told me he played for the Suns and they just lost in the play offs.

I was like Oh nice, lose the playoffs and drown his sorrows in shopping and cheap booze and women in Vegas.

We’re walking in Caesar’s Palace and I’m chasing down Cleopatra and her crew for a picture, ‘cuz that’s just what type of person I am.

Like a camera whore isn’t going to troll for pictures. JBN was my official photographer. Folks were like, damn did he take any pictures, and I was like eh he’d fuck up the great shot of me for Face book.

No Myspace.

Which is the devil.

So I’m talking on the phone with one of my buddies, bragging how I’m in Vegas and her weak ass is defrosting chicken for dinner in the Chi, when I slam right into this dude.

Typical “motherfucker although I’m all in the way how dare you walk in the path that I was walking in” behavior: I chew him out. Like dude watch where the fuck you going while inspecting my shoes to make sure he didn’t step on them cuz that would’ve been a fight, stepping on my brand new fresh out the box shoes.

I go back to my phone conversation and dude kinda chuckled and was like his bad or some crap like that.

Next thing you know people just come out of no where asking to take his picture.

I had no idea who he was, thought he was another athlete or something, so I’m on the phone chatting away.

JBN walks up and is like do you know who that was? That’s that Ultimate Fighting dude who just won the fight. Once again the name slips me and I’m too lazy to google it but he’s the big Black dude whom I’m assuming whooped the hell out of his opponent, who I did recognize from an episode of “Entourage”

*lol*

JBN is like I can’t believe you don’t know who that is. His posters are like everywhere, in fact there go three right there.

So I’m like the Ultimate Dink.

BUT am I a lame for wanting a picture though? *lol*

But alas I turned back around and he was gone.

So yeah that’s my run in with a “celebrity”.

You know if some shit went down JBN was not jumping in right? Dude was like a solid side of beef.

So we gambled some more, lost money, and left to go to several more casinos. Walked around for a bit and took our asses back to the hotel for some rest.

Got up the next day, still sweltering out, got some breakfast and did the same shit we did yesterday. Got to the other end of the strip this time. Hit another mall where they were serving this BIG ASS cup of daiquiris. Those fuckers were strong as shit. More like Alcohol with colored ice. So we’re sipping these, walking in the hot ass sun, sun+alcohol don’t mix and before you know it, we were both drunk as skunks.

And since you can walk around with alcohol that made it even better for us. Stopped at another place and ate lunch and got some more drinks.

Passed out shortly after getting to the hotel.

You’d think we would’ve gotten tired of doing the same shit every day but you know we didn’t. I was into hitting the clubs, I’m weaning off of them, so what did I do to make up for not shaking my ass in some club.

I ate my ass off.

I think we ate in almost every restaurant on the strip.

And don’t let me get on some of the buffets we went to. I know people were thinking I know she’s ain’t going back up for 5ths…but I did.

There goes my diet once again.

It cooled down enough for me and I spent a couple of hours at the pool. Just chilling with the one good breeze I finally felt.

We got dressed up and went out to dinner and chilled on the strip until it got late. Had to take the taxi back as the Monorail stopped running and I was NOT walking back.

Monday we left sunny Vegas and it was yet another LONG ass flight back. It took 7 years for the sun to go down AND yet another long ass ride through another state. Not as much turbulence though and I did get at least two hours of sleep.

Apparently the AC went out while I was snoozing, giving the germs plenty of time to infiltrate my body so when we landed at Dulles, already my nose was running.

It took a downhill from there. I have been sick the entire fucking week. I’ve been completing my work and leaving early all week. Passing out on the couch with booger tissue all around me.

Smelling like Au De Vicks.

Nose as red as its going to get and skin all dry and ashy.

Voice so scratchy people have been asking me did I just wake up.

Yeah the girl is looking bad.

I’ll be back on my feet soon though.

And then I can tell you about this guy who I secretly think is stalking me.

And I’m sick but not so sick I’m not going to see Katt Williams tonight! In concert that is. I’m not that much of a groupie.

Well only for Etan. Hey I can dream can’t I?

Viva Las Vegas Part 1

So I’ve been fighting this cold *I know who the HELL catches a cold in this weather?!* That I KNOW I picked up from some germy passenger on the way back to DC from Vegas.

You know for half a second I thought I was a potential victim from that guy who was flying with a deadly strain of TB. Was dialing up the doctor’s office the moment I heard about it, but was flying transatlantic so I was in the clear. But still, who walks on a plane healthy and walks off sick as hell?

Only me. That’s who. Germs have a habit of finding me and infecting me with all their yucky gooiness.

So I’ve been under the weather all week. Reviving my roles as Celie from the “Color Purple” as well as one of the zombies from “Dawn of the Dead”. Not to mention sweating like a runaway slave from the heat AND the fever.

Vegas was HOT!!

I am already planning the next trip to Vegas right now. I had so much fun!

I'm still engaged, no getting "drunk married" BUT I got a picture with one of the many fake Elvis impersonators in town.

Yes I got drunk and passed out shortly after 4pm on Saturday and woke up about 10 hours later.

Yes I took hella pictures. Although I’m wondering why I took so many pictures of random shit, like folks really cared that I walked past the MGM Grand. Hell I damn sure didn’t stay there!

Yes IT WAS HOT AS FUCK! Oh gawd I wanted to slap a white person every 5 minutes for forcing my ancestors to pick cotton, probably in some heavy ass burlap sack, in that type of weather.

I mean stepped out the hotel at 8 am and it was ALREADY 90!

And you know I don’t like to sweat. Well I don’t like for my relaxer to sweat, that is. I was like a degree away from having a ‘fro. And what does my dinky ass do? CONTINUE to make it worst by flat ironing my hair within an inch of its life as soon as I got back to the hotel.

I love my chemically free sisters but dammit the chemicals love me and I love them as well.

Besides…no more relaxers til late August.

The kitchens will be fried all summer.

So anyway the flight going there was LONG. My impatience clearly shows on flights that are longer than 2 hours. I mean I would go to sleep, wake up, we’re STILL over Colorado. I’m like how big is this damn state again? I think the pilots were going in circles and shit.

We hit a bit of turbulence. Some of it really bad. I had my escape route mapped. Damn Gramps and Granny in the exit row. I was throwing some bows to get off the plane push come to shove.

The people in front of us drank the entire time. I think they depleted the Vodka supply on the plane. I mean just sloppy. But at least they were the quiet drunks and not the loud and belligerent drunks I usually see.

After we hit all 50 states *it’s seems* we finally landed in Vegas.

And boy was I relieved.