I seriously wonder about White People. No, for real, I do. White Folks do some of the craziest shit I have ever seen. No, I’m not saying that because I am Black and I see “Black Culture” as completely different from “White Culture” (well I do but that’s beside the point) but White People, in general, are a strange bunch.
I know I’m guilty of stereotyping. Hell everyone stereotypes. Anyone who claims they don’t is a fucking liar. I know what people probably think when they see me. Some are actually dumb enough to vocally say the shit out loud thus earning the privilege of a “Tenacious Treating” (treating meaning “I’m about to read your ass” and I don’t mean the latest Eric Jerome Dickey novel…I love his books by the way). Case in point: I was at work the other day and I was called to the Front Desk for some bullshit basically. I work at a hotel and from my short experience of working in the Tourism Industry: I truly hate customer service. Now I have had customer service jobs before but it was retail jobs. You know in High School, it was a big deal to work in the mall- preferably one of the “urban” stores- Man Alive, The Lark, Up Against the Wall, etc. Basically any name brand store that kept you looking fly. Oh my, I can go on and on about my retail experiences rants but just know I now really truly feeling for anyone who has ever dealt with customer service. Sure every job has some form of customer service but I’m talking about one where your exclusive base is dealing with people on a consistent and regular day basis. But anyway- I was called to the front desk because a woman wanted to complain about the room. She was this little old white wench- you know the type. Bitch just looked like her family has slaves. She was a Barbara Bush clone I kid you not. I had to do a double take and scan for Secret Service all at the same time (yeah I know she wouldn’t be staying at my hotel but hey you never know-she could have been on that straight “incognito” trip). I already knew her type: rich, old, hoity toity, probably going to butcher my so-called “urban” name, ask me hella questions that have nothing to do with what ever she came down for in the first place, and then try to chum me up with a story that is borderline racist about a “funny” experience with one of “my people”. She came down because her room has just been freezing the entire time she has stayed here (she was leaving). Realizing that most people are dumb as hell- I asked her the typical questions:
Me: Well, Mrs. Blah Blah, did you turn on the heat in the room? We have central heating but the buttons to manipulate the temperature are located on the central air duct next to the window. (Most of the time it’s already on but I know housekeeping sometimes turn it off. I know sometimes that damn button is hard to find. I have froze many of times looking for that damn button in the room!)
Her: Why, yes! And it still did not do anything….Eh, why how old are you? Why you don’t look much older than my granddaughter Clarissa and she’s 15! She just came from a study abroad program… (Ok by this time I had tuned her out…What the hell do my age have to do with your cold ass room? See what I mean? I mean damn I know 22 is not old and I do look youthful (I’ve been told I was as young as 16…fucking R. Kelly perverts!) but damn there are child labor laws)
Me: Did you call downstairs so that maintenance can come take a look at your room? If it was indeed a heating problem, we would have moved you to different room.
Her: Why no… (Completely butchers my damn name. My name is not hard. It doesn’t have 4 Q’s, 3 W’s, 6 E’s (two long) or anything like that. Six fucking letters! Back in the elementary school, I was the only one with my name in the entire school! Now High School was different- I found others with my name, hell other variations of my name. By the time college hit, I was called everything BUT my real damn name- and by who? White People!) Ah didn’t (she was a southern gal. Bitch didn’t even blink an eye at pronouncing my name wrong and had the nerve to cock an eye at me when I automatically corrected her. She gave me the “Bitch, your name is whatever the fuck I say it is. How dare you correct me Nigra” look). I just assumed you would know. I mean doesn’t the Mexicana woman who cleans my room report to you? Wouldn’t she have known my room is cold? I mean it was absolutely frigid! (First off, most of the housekeepers are NOT MEXICAN and those same women would quickly correct your ass for assuming. Second, I don’t have a fucking clue who cleaned your room, ain't my damn department. Third, the housekeeper doesn’t give a fuck if your room is cold. They go in, clean, and report the general condition of the room. If the room is cold, they assume because you want it cold!)
Me (in I’m about to treat her mode): Mrs. Blah Blah, let me get this straight. You have stayed in this hotel for an entire week? An entire week. You mean to tell me your room was cold the entire week, yet you made no effort to inform us on the condition of your room? So you just froze in the room the entire week rather than call or stop by the front desk so that the problem can be rectified? Well I’m sorry about your unpleasant stay but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that. I will, however, let the proper department know about that room and for them to check on the room. Have a safe trip! (And walked my ass off with her sniffing “Why I NEVER…” as I walked away). I know that was kind of mean but let me break it down to you: If you don’t tell us, we don’t know there’s a problem. Front Office (meaning Front Desk) does not have any contacts with the room. We only go by what’s put in our system. If there’s nothing there, we assume the rooms are perfect. Housekeeping, like I said, do an excellent job of reporting physical/general conditions of the room (cracked tiles, burnt out light bulbs, frayed curtains, etc…) but any mechanical problems are not usually noticed until a guest bring it to our attention. If you don’t bring it to our attention, we never know. Depending on the problem, we might hook you up, make some adjustments to your bill (such as getting a night free or comp. meal). But if you think you’re going to just wait and raise hell to get a free night: NOT AT MY HOTEL BUDDY!! HOLLA BACK!! Besides I heard she gave me quite a “tongue lashing” when I left with the gist of it ending in “my people are so rude.”
Hey in that case, she probably already summed me up as an “angry Black woman” and proceeded to rant and rave all the way back home about our “horrid hotel and how she is an elite status member and how she was rudely treated at our hotel, but ask me do I really give a Fhhh…). I don’t care. But other "Black" stereotypes get irritating (I won't go so the socio-political rant because although it irritates me, I can't truly get mad. It would be the "pot calling the kettle black" in a sense) so at work I know I have the unofficial title as “Angry Black Woman”- only because I hate dumb ass questions. I have gotten asked on multiple occasions (usually by the same White Person who probably forgot “which” Black woman I am):
How many children I have (none, but White Folks seem surprised that I don’t have three little snotty nose brats running around. HELLO? Can you say “birth control”? I am a proud recipient of the “Shot”- no babies bursting from this vagina any time soon and besides @ 22, I feel I am too “young” for babies)
Do I know “such-and-such” who live in Chicago or in my general neighborhood (NO muthafucker, I don’t know every fucking Black person in Chicago/DC/Virginia/Maryland! No, I don’t know the new Black guy in Event Programming! No me and “such and such” are not sisters! Just because we both have long hair and dark skin does NOT mean we’re related!)
Do I wash my hair? Can they touch my hair These kill me and usually the “Sista Girl” neck roll comes out in full force by this time. One woman was even bold enough to ask me do I have “Indian” in my family because my hair is soo thick and pretty? (WTF White Folks? Yes I wash my damn hair. Granted it’s not every fucking day, but hell yeah! Hell fucking naw you can’t touch my hair! I JUST got this shit done! (You know you don’t fuck with a Black woman’s hair after it has been done! You’re just setting yourself up for an ass whooping!) I don’t know where your nasty hands have been! I just know you don’t wash your hands after you use the washroom! And bitch, this is a Dark and Lovely relaxer kit! Only Indian in me was my last boyfriend who was half-Cherokee! Black people, stop implying that your hair texture is a mixture of other races when YOU know damn well there’s just “Negro and Slave” in your family! White Folks are seriously starting to think all Black people have “Indian” (Actually Native Americans you pricks!) in their family! This is relaxed hair! (Yes I slap the chemicals in my hair. Please spare me with the *natural hair vs. relaxed hair* dialogue. The day I get a natural is the day 1) relaxers suddenly are recalled and yanked off the shelves 2) head cancer is actually linked to relaxers 3) I wake up and my shit is completely bald)
*points to above* See how I’ve completely gotten off the subject? Let me go back…White Folk are strange. Personally I think all White Girls are Sluts and White Guys are Pricks. Even the few White Girl/Guy friends I have fall in these categories (sorry yall but I told yall this before). Sure there’s my “White Guys” fantasy list (with strict guidelines) but the actual thought of me being with a White Guy period makes me ill. I joke all the time that Brad Pitt don’t know what he’s missing…he need to dump Angelina and get with me (Seriously Brad Pitt if you’re reading this…shoot me an email…we can hook up or something…You are one white boy that I will break the rules for) but outside of movies stars, you have to be a fine ass white guy for me to take a second look. I mean, fine as fuck, I mean so fucking fine a little bit of drool fall outta your mouth when he walks past. Not just average White Guy but that fine where you know he should be in a Calvin Klein ad somewhere in his drawers. So fine a Black man is jealous when he see the white guy on your arm kinda looks. But I see White Guys as Pricks- I don’t know why though…hmmm something I have to really think on……
I went to an all white elementary school. By eighth grade- I kid you not- every White girl in my class was sucking dick (Bitches couldn’t even think about taking a sip off my pop after I found that out)…yet were virgins (or so they claimed). Went to an all Black High School (a ghetto as hell one at that) and by the end of freshman year, I suspect 95% of my class were NOT virgins (average age 15)- yet few sucked dick (well besides the around the mill bust down...or so they claimed). More probably did than I’m assuming but that was one subject that was not breached…it was like the plague among girls to find out a female sucked dick. Bitch was marked for life as “such and such…the one (we had a lot of girls with the same name) who sucks dick”. Of course, the boys were delighted, but for the most part in my high school, dick sucking was for "white girls”. Now college was when I got a combination of both Black/White women views when it came to sex. There’s the assumption that White girls rather suck than give up the goodies and Black girls rather give up the goodies than suck dick, hence the high teen pregnancy rate among Black females. <---I think that’s a load of shit (the higher pregnancy rate among Black teenage females) but curiously not the first part. READ ON PLEASE!
Granted, this is a stereotype. Every black person (man and woman) was directly (or indirectly) notified of the sexual practices of Whites. I know I am not the only one! I knew more about White Folks sexual history than my own people! I know Black dudes who specifically ran to White Girls because of their “penchant” for sucking the sausage. My White Boy friend Nick (he would have gotten the business if he wasn’t White and a male hoe-sorry Nick!) even joked and told me we could never be together because he suspect Black Girls can’t suck the dick like a White Girl can”..lol…I happily left him with that impression. I’m not going to speak for every Black woman out there. Some hate it. Some don’t. Some White Girls love it. Some Don’t. But college really awakened to my suspicion on “WHS” (White Girl Slut). You see them all the time. Think “Girls Gone Wild” every Wednesday-Sunday Night on campus. Drunk White Girls gyrating them nasty ass bony hips on the tables, kissing random men (and women), loud and obnoxious as fuck (Bitch I don’t wanna hear you yelling in my fucking ear!), “hooking up” (what the fuck is “hooking up” in White Folk terminology anyway? Seems like it’s everything from kissing to all out fucking to me!), going home with random ass guys and having sex that you will regret the next day because not only did you NOT know the guy, you don’t know his name, address, eye color, tee shirt color or anything but trust he KNOWS YOU! (Nick probably fucked you) These white girls were pathetic! Crying and shit in the bath room on their hot pink Nokia to their sorority sister who left their ass in the first place drunk and at the bar (White girls suck as fucking friends! That's why I can't kick it with my white girl friends- Bitches are prone to disappearing some damn where with some guy or leaving you in a drunken stupor! Damn they just let you wander off with random mutherfuckers talking ‘bout “I’ll call you later Becks!!” Just let you make a damn fool of yourself. We all know- Sistas- we run in packs. You have a better change at getting at Bush than break a "Sista Girl" shield! Aint nobody breaking that shield! You revert to Special Opts Unit forces and shit- cock blocking thirsty niggas, coming to blows with other hoes, making sure they get off the table before they fall in their stilettos, get them away from the ex (preventing a potenial drunken argument that may or may not come to blows and prevent yall from all getting kicked out the damn club) AND you make sure the bitch makes it home, get undressed, have the essentials- Water, aspirins, garabage can by the bed so it's easily accessible AND take car and apartment keys so she can’t make a direct escape. It's almost like babysitting! Hell I’ve been known to even spend the fucking night to make sure you don’t dip off! Shit we COME IN as NINE we LEAVE as NINE- White Girls you can take some notes from the Black Women Friendship book-HOE GET IN THIS CAR! F@!# A RAY RAY! Coming out Summer ‘06).
I know there are Black Girl Sluts out there (called BUST DOWNS in the Chicago vernacular) - Hell UIUC had a gang of them! Mostly they were Black Greek or Athlete hoes (you know the type)...but still. White Girls are Sluts. Sure the older you get, the less oral sex becomes a taboo, but shit it’s the admitting part that’s hard. Hell you can be friends with a female since birth and she won’t reveal she suck dick until it slips out in an accidental conversation and still there’s that awkward silence which usually ends with you blurting “Girl…so you do that huh?” Sometimes you confess. Sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you even go as far to reiterate (knowing you lying like a muthafucker) how you don’t suck dick and you never sucked any of your boyfriends' dicks (once again knowing you lying like a muthafucker) but he just “like” to give and not receive. Hell, I do it. I don’t really like doing it-it’s not a “skill” I work to perfect, but I give it- but I LOVE to receive it though :-) It’s just not a big deal to me (anymore). I haven’t done it to everyone nor do I plan to. But I do believe in pleasing my man and unless your man is 1) cheating and you know it 2) have random bumps and shit around his dick or he has had an STD or 3) Stinks “down below” (even after a shower)- then you should do it (LOL..Look at me endorsing the “Dick Sucker Unite” campaign, coming soon to a city near you!!)
I also think White Girls are spineless ass twisted broads. Stop fucking crying all the damn time! Bitches just cry over nothing- damn get a fucking backbone! I am the first to admit I am not a crier. I don't even think I have tear ducts. But please, White Girls, suck that shit up! Eat something! Being 25 years old and 97 lbs is NOT sexy! Eat a fucking steak! Collar bones, Hip bones, and Stick Thin arms are NOT pretty to look at…When I see one of yall, I seriously want to plan an intervention and check you into a clinic or something. I’m sorry- Eating Disorders are strictly “White Folk” diseases—I’ll slap a Black girl if I ever hear her confess she’s anorexic or Bulimic! Bitch eat! I hate to see clothes fall all off your damn body- low rise jeans and no ass are not an option! That shit is sickening! Pants just saggy as hell in the back with your little hip bone protruding over the jeans, makes me want to hurl! White Men: Stop lying and telling your women they look good like that! You are corrupting them! Stop tanning! Tanning to the point of looking orange is not cute! We know damn well in DC walking around bronze in February screams “tanning salon!” You did not go to the Bahamas over the weekend! Stop lying to yourself! But on the other hand, some White Girls: Hit a tanning salon! I feel like you’re “last man walking” when I see your chalky ass walking down the street! Damn a little sun in your life is desperately needed! Looking like you’re about to pass out from hunger and shit! I know Black people have health issues but I rather die fat and happy than scrawny and miserable b/c my daily calorie intake did not include steak! Lastly, Stop fucking quoting calories to me! I can give a fuck less about the calories in a grapefruit! Maybe I’ll change my mind about White People, Stereotyping, Relaxers, and my Eating Habits…but it won’t be today and it damn sure won’t be tomorrow!!
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