That's Why They Call Me Teddy Bend *His* Ass Down

Oh great it’s Cherry Blossoms time. Eyes are sure to puff up in the next week or so. Damn didn’t know I had allergies until I moved to the DC area and got around those damn trees. And why are people so geeked for those damn things to bloom anyway? It’s just some damn flowers!

I fucked around and broke my toe Sunday. Ran into the bathroom door and now I have a hairline fracture on my second toe. That sounds like some domestic violence type of shit though. Who runs into a door…without some help that is? You know the ER doctor was giving me and JBN the side eye.

Thank the lord I went and got a pedicure that Friday. How vain am I? I wouldn’t have wanted the doctor to touch my foot if my feet were looking jacked. *lol*

I had to give him the side eye though he was taking a little too long to wrap my toe. Caressing my feet and shit. You know I’m convinced every doctor is a “Hand That Rocks the Cradle” doctor.

But fuck…I might join the ranks of the “Chipped Nail Polish” brigade and yall know how I hate seeing a woman walk around with chipped nail polish on her toes. I mean one swipe of some nail polish remover will get that one little chip hanging on for dear life right out.

At work I’m dubbed “Tiny Tim”

Haha. Fuckers.

*lol*

I finally got to see Baltimore. Damn almost two years in the area and have never been to Baltimore. It wasn’t that bad. I was hoping to run into some folks from The Wire though *lol*

My plans *sob* for Palm Beach was abruptly cancelled thanks to a phone call from my moms. I sent my “vacation” money home so my nephews can come back to Chicago because their mother is having some sort of “nervous breakdown” *meaning she’s upset because she can’t find a sitter so she can go to “Shake Dat Ass” Fridays at the club* and she sent them to live with their father for an indefinite amount of time. Umm yeah he now has THREE fucking children and yet hasn’t gotten off his dusty ass to look for a fucking job.

Boy it must to be nice to live off of someone for free.

But…I couldn’t say no because it was for the kids so I sent my mother the money she was asking for to buy their tickets and whatnot. I still wanted to go somewhere so JBN hit up Baltimore.

Did the tourist thing and had some fun. Got drunk and I guess I’m back to drunk texting/IMing. I really need to put a lock on my phone while drinking *lol*

Maybe it’s because I went to a predominately White institution of Higher Learning but…I LOVE St. Patrick’s Day. Ah the drunken stories of my collegiate years. St. Paddy and I had a passionate one day love affair every March. Damn some green beer…bring on the Green Bacardi!

Ok why is “Icebox-Remix” and “I’m a Flirt-Remix” officially “my” songs. Boy so much comedy in those songs it’s not even funny. I mean they come on the radio at least 10 times a day so they’re kinda worked into my head.

And yall know how I feel about the “Ararah”. I am so serious. He has to do a track on my album.

With such lines as: She be calling me daddy/I be calling her Mommy/She be calling you Kelly/When your name is Tommy….

How could I not have this man on my album?! I guess I’m the only one who finds comedy in songs. Oh I’ll sing the shit out of them but I am cracking up all the same.

*sigh* T.I. Pending a good chicken dinner, some routine testing and about three condoms…yall already know T.I. can hit. BUT no kissing. That scar on the mouth still worries me.

And boy….T-Pain. What can I say?! Sure he looks like something I scraped out my nails but boy….is he fucking hilarious. He had me when he wiped the drool off his mouth in the U and Dat video. And need I get into I’m in Love with a Skripper? Why hasn’t this man won a Grammy yet?

Folks be hating.

He’s like in every other song on the radio so I can’t help but be tickled by him.

Pending a paper bag, Tequila, several STD tests, 3 HIV tests and a bath in Bleach and Lysol and a confidentiality agreement *with legal repercussions if broken of course* I admit….I might let him stick the tip in. Might.

LMAO. Ok I just grossed my self out.

You know my mother told me you learn something new every day. And I’m finding that to be so true. I am finding out new and amusing shit every day.

Here are some things I’ve learned lately:

Women lie on their pussies. I mean I always thought that was a “man” thing, you know to lie and say you’ve slept with someone and you really didn’t, but apparently women are doing the same thing. I mean I always thought if a woman said she smashed someone it was true because, well, women don’t lie on the pussy. But apparently women are lying like dudes.

I mean I guess lying on our pussy is the new thing to do. Shit I slept with Justin Timberlake a couple of months ago. HONEY you know I got VIP access after his concert and well…one thing led to another and hey…I got my first taste of “The Pink”. Shit I’m the reason Cameron Diaz broke up with him.

LOL.

When I’m looking at you and your mouth is moving, you assume I’m listening. Damn I didn’t know that. Apparently I have an “I’m REALLY interested in what you have to say never mind I’m not even looking at you” face.

A person pretending to step on your broken toe as a joke is meant to be funny as hell. Damn I guess I missed that memo because many of asses were about to get broken off at work for doing that.

Co workers apparently mistook me for a person that gives a fuck. Please stop giving me synopsis of Grey’s Anatomy during lunch. That is still not going to get me to watch the show.

That Sounds Personal sounds very rude coming out of my mouth.

It is really irritating when someone hangs up on you. Guess I know how people feel when my friends “Dial” and “Tone” get into the conversation. Although hanging up on me is the quickest way to find me on your stoop ready to have it out.

Sticking your nose in other people’s business is only right when it benefits another person.

Mos Def has a really annoying voice. Watching 16 Blocks made me want to elbow him in the jaw.

Wearing your correct size is sooooo 1970s. I mean everyone loves to see bare “muffin top” skin so early in the morning. And what’s a little camel toe between strangers?

I hate work. *Ok well I’ve always known that but you really hate work when your shoulders begin to slump before you arrive at your job*

I am a sick individual who needs therapy. *lol* But we all knew that one right?

It’s officially spring.

And the fight of my life will begin when a bee flies into the car.