***wake up wake up wake up....It's the first of tha month....***
Damn, with the exception of my vacations and trips home to Chicago, this is the longest I have gone without blogging.
Nothing personal but I'm not in a happy place right now. And other than griping about my job, I don't have anything to contribute to the blogging world.
*gasp* Tenacious with nothing to talk about?! Is it the 2nd coming?!
Nah work has been kicking my ass. I thought with a promotion my black ass could be chilling like a villain *funny I bought a t shirt with this saying on it* but noooo...every day when I come in there's something new and tedious that takes up an obnoxious amount of time, leaving me drained and uninspired to write.
I swear I have never seen so many people with MBA who lacks basic common sense.
I swear I'm going to snap on this heifer at work. She has one more time to try to "treat" me in front of our superiors and she's going to see how strong this pimp hand really is. Don't get mad at me because I call you out for your lack of team work. And laziness. Oh and losing shit and trying to blame everyone but yourself. We're already having "e-mail" wars she's trying to get gully.
If she's feeling froggy....leap.
I'm trying to give this "Be A Good Friend And Actually Listen" shit a try, friends have been dumping on me left and right. Usually when I give a "Go to Hell" and a dial tone for interrupting my post-work slumber, I've been fighting sleep to listen to a flurry of issues about everything under the sun. This is what I get for ignoring calls. Now I have to listen to an hour of "back info" in order to put me up to date on the issue and of course my all abiding advice that will be ignored as usual. I swear I am the wrong person to come for advice but they keep coming.
Also I have been going through some personal issues myself and had to use the same friends to dump my shit on. I don't do that often but when I do, it's a big relief. I feel like everything that has been bugging me is out in the air. It's like a weight lifted off of my chest.
Had to call in my own personal reinforcement and let them give me advise. Only difference is I actually take it. Well maybe because they vocally state what I have been secretly thinking which validates me in some way.
I think I am such a fucked up individual. Mentally and physically. It's so much shit that is not kosher that I do. I have a twisted side of me that seeks therapy. Why do I do the shit I do? Do I have deep rooted self esteem issues? Why am I always seeking validation for the fucked up shit that I do?
I think my friends were shocked at some of the things I was saying. I keep so much stuff to myself, so scared to let someone in and help me because I'm always thinking he/she is going to use that info against me and hurt me, I shut people out. I push people away.
I hate myself sometimes.
Not enough to kill myself though...I ain't that crazy. Shit I'm too pretty for that *lol*
I'm 23 but where is my life going? Hell what do I want to do with my life? I spend so much time rebelling against adulthood that I am scared of "growing up". Sometimes I don't want to get married. I don't want to be with JBN. I don't want to be with anyone, just myself.
I've been feeling like this for months but I've been pushing it to the back of my subconscious. If I sleep it away, all my problems are solved. Temporarily. But they always come back.
I've hurt people. I'm trying to rectify that. As mean spirited as I can be, I don't like to intentionally hurt people's feelings. Makes me feel lower than low. Hurts my feelings.
I love hard and hate just as hard. Sometimes my hatred is so strong, it scares me. I have to take a step back and say "Whoa. Hope God didn't hear that". My mother once told me that if you wish bad things on people, bad things happens to the ones you love.
I'm just drained people. Usually writing is my therapy but the words haven't been coming. I would write if I could. But I can't.
Work is a minor annoyance. Other than taking work home sometimes, when I leave *run out the door is more like it* I try to leave work issues at work. I'm concentrating on the quickest route to get me home so I can get in the bed.
Restless sleep. Nightmares. "What if" scenarios. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Worries me. The last time this happened, something bad occurred. I feel a storm brewing. My issues could get ugly.
....But I'm around. Just not as much as I want to be. Hopefully this storm will pass and my muse come back, funnier as ever. Sorry to depress everyone.
I have major catching up to do with my blogs. I haven't forgotten about yall.
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13 comments:
glad that you're still a live ma'am. and uh, yeah, for you having nothing to blog about, this post was still 902 words (HELL YEAH i pasted this badboy into a word document and hit the "word count" button)!!!
dont fret "tuh-nay-nay." with all life changes come mood changes. a little bit of discomfort is natural with change. the trick is to bob a little bit more than you weave! ;-)
Toy, don't let it get you down. You are dealing with and thinking a lot of the same stuff that I have been dealing with and thinking. Thas probably why we get along so well. You know how to reach me. I will be like I have been, here to help/listen/offer advice. I got broad shoulders like that.
We know you haven't gone anywhere, and neither have we!
Take all the time you need to work thru you thoughts/emotions.
*sends up a prayer with your name on it*
Love,
V
sounds like you going thru a quarterlife crisis
The QuarterLife Crisis
by unknown
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
ps. my bad for posting a blog in the comments (didn't know how to create a link)
Hey Chica..
you aren't the only one that's been going through the motions but it really helps to know that it will get better. I'll keep it short.. but if you need to chat my email addy is on the page.. hit me up.
I heart ya Hot Choklet!
-Isis
Glad to see you're still alive. But trust you aren't the only one going through it. This seems to be a season of transitions. Anyhoo, keep your head up, and know that it will get better!
I'll be sending some prayers up for you.
Hey there chica!
I always read your blog, but never comment. We have LOTS in common. LOTS!
Prayers and Positive Thoughts def. going up for you!
Patrice (pajnstl)
Glad you're still around..I was worried for a second thought some crack head had taken you hostage or you had gone to make Justin Timberlake your love slave LOL.
But we all need time to not blog..you never want it to become a chore..take your time...deal with what you gotta deal with...funny how sometimes we listen to others problems and keep our own hidden I do that and when I break I BREAK..I mean tears and all I have to learn not to let things pile up...but I can't help it...
I was about to come up to the hotel and be like where is SHE?! What have you done with her LOL
I'm not gonna ask where you been, so instead I'll say "are you avoiding us? did we do something to upset you?" lol
glad to see you're well. totally understand the need to be to oneself to deal with all the crap going on in one's life.
PS...if you don't have a friend to dump to, the blog world is always an option...its my vice of choice...think about it ;-)
Well?... How you gonna keep me in suspense like this.
"Sometimes my hatred is so strong, it scares me"
I know that place, I once owned a house there. I sold it and moved to a better neighborhood. Take your time reading and if you have any questions about the journey I take you on, just call and ask. No question is off limits.
866-230-5692
*hug*
Hey I just started reading your blog and you are hilarious.... i hope you can get through what you have been dealing with and i wish you luck :)
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