Funeral From Hell

It’s no surprise that I hate funerals. I avoid them as much as I can.

Now while I don’t like funerals & I know a funeral shouldn’t be a 100k function, I hate a cheap ass funeral.

Now I know they tried but my grandfather’s funeral was one of the CHEAPIST funerals I’ve ever been to.

Killing part, it wasn’t cheap due to lack of funds. It was cheap due to greedy ass people. I was like dang if grandpa had stayed with his first family, he would have been buried in style. Clearly his other family just didn’t give a damn. But had the nerve to get an attitude when things didn’t go their way.

This made me mad as hell.

Now I don’t know how much the average funeral cost. I know my grandmother’s funeral was close to 12k, including plot & tombstone.

My grandfather’s was a little bit over 5k-including plot & tombstone.

I knew from the minute I saw the funeral home this was going to be a cheap ass function.

1. The funeral home was on a residential street & we passed it two or three times before we realized it was a funeral home. Can you say converted house?

2. How about there was NO heat in the funeral home? It was warmer outside than inside-thank goodness Chicago reached the mid-50s on Saturday otherwise I'm sure I would've been a chocolate Popsicle. I'm concentrating more on keeping the little body heat I have than the actual service. I got shushed because I asked was heat an extra cost & can we get a collection plate going around so we can get some damn heat!

I was too mad when I stepped in the hall & guess what-the hallway had heat. They were space heaters…but still…it was heat. I felt like snatching one of those suckers up & taking it back into the chapel but it was no outlet near me. Yeah I checked.

One of my cousins gonna tell me the heat was down to prevent the body from decaying.

WTF?

Granted she's an idiot but I'm like damn they can't spring for the good embalming fluid? What did they inject him with- Kool-Aid?

Killing part: the repast was in the basement. I have never been that cold in my life sitting in the basement. If I thought it was freezing upstairs, downstairs was down right artic.
I was huddled around the crock pot so long people thought I was guarding the pot. I’m like damn these greens, this pot is the warmest thing in the room!

3. The mic went out halfway through remarks. It was already crackling due to the usual over singing of the resident "singer" in the family. I don’t know what it is about gospel songs that have people really thinking they can sing…when they really can’t. Voice warbling all through “Amazing Grace” & shit is not the business.

4. I won’t trip on how the pastor damn near did a full sermon up there. It got to the point I forgot we were at a funeral. Folks catching the holy ghost all up in the aisle. I was searching the seat for my bible because I just knew he was about to ask up to turn our book to page such & such. Now if it’s one thing that truly irks my nerves about a funeral is the over preaching. Granted I know the pastor will come up, speak a few words & go about his business but does it have to turn into a full blown sermon? What does the sermon truly have to do with the body lying in the casket in front of you? Why must a pastor go off on a tangent for 20+ minutes & at the last minute go back to the dearly departed? I was too through when he called for an ALTER CALL?!

And why did like 6 people get up & he began to lay his hands on people. He couldn’t just talk to them after the funeral?

I felt like getting up & screaming “DO WE NOT SEE THE DAMN CASKET RIGHT THERE?!”

5. One of my mother’s sisters (I’ve never seen the woman a day of my life until my mother told me) whom I’m assuming was the “MC” had to get on the mic every 10 minutes to announce how much time we had left.

Naturally she didn’t say anything to the pastor, who did his 30+ minute sermon, but everyone else? She was walking up, snatching the mic out of people’s hand, like “we only have this space for an hour & a half-you need to wrap it up because I’m not paying extra”

Who says shit like that?

6. The hearse driver got lost on the way to the cemetery. It took us over an hour to reach the burial thanks to the hearse driver. Now I’ll be fair & state that was probably because there are a lot of traffic cameras in Chicago now & folks were mad hesitant to run the light because they didn’t want to get a ticket.

We ran every light though lol

7. Unfortunately the ground was too wet to bury my grandfather (which made half of the family mad because they would’ve stayed behind if they had known that). Personally I suspect he doesn’t have a plot yet. I won’t mention how the hearse just had to park in an inch of muddy water & half of the people couldn’t make it across to the small chapel @ the cemetery. I almost slipped & fell my damn self & my feet were freezing by the end of the night because I just had to rock my pumps instead of boots.

8. Half of my cousins decided to dress like they were going to the club. Had the nerve to show up in some zebra print knee boots & tight ass House of Dereon jeans. Talking about she had to leave early because “she needed to get her hair did for tonight”- but it didn’t stop her from making a couple of plates of food to go. The other half decided to take advantage of the 50 degree temperature & dressed like it was 75-80 out. Who wears a sundress…in February…in Chicago?! Had the nerve to rock strappy sandals with it.

She got the side eye from everybody. Baby had on a short set & shit. I’m like Jesus be an updated flu shot for the baby.

9. There was only one dramatic fall out. Why they let her fall though? When she felt how cold that ground was, best believe she got her ass up with the quickness. I had to turn my face because my cousin was trying his best to make me laugh. She was doing to do it at the cemetery as well but when she saw all that mud she was like “Shiiiit I’m ain’t getting my fur wet-is you crazy” (her exact words).

She just wailed loudly all though the final rites. Best believe that fur did not touch the ground.

10. I won’t even talk about the cheap ass obituary. I could’ve printed them out on my own computer. Names all misspelled, folded any kind of way, CROOKED than a motherf*cker…just sad. My two year old niece could’ve colored something better.

But you know, I couldn’t be real mad, because it was one of those you pay for what you get. When you’re on that cheap man, expect a cheap ass product. It’s a crying shame because people were not cheap due to lack of funds.

That receives a pass because I understand everyone doesn’t have life insurance or is not prepared for the death of a loved one. My grandfather’s other children (my mom, aunt, and uncle) offered to chip in, just to help but they refused. They were all indignant talking about they don’t want charity & they can handle it alone—which led to another family fall out.

But it’s like damn you know the life insurance policy was worth more than what you paid for funeral service, yet in order to be greedy so you can get a semi-decent payout, you chose the cheap route.

The shit people will do for a fast buck kills me.

Going to a funeral like that will drive you to drink. I was just too disgusted; I couldn’t wait to get my ass back to VA.