Renaming the Porn Folder...

One of the few positive things that I can say about co-workers:

We almost never have dull conversations/debates.

So the official DC (Dramatic Cunt) of my department is always having it out with her on/off again boyfriend. It’s like every single week there is some type of drama in their relationship.

Personally I think they’re just that type of couple that lives for drama but if she likes it, I love it.

This week was a break up over porn.

Yes, porn.

Apparently she was browsing (aka snooping) through his computer when she came across his porn folder.

Labeled “Porn Folder” of course.

Upon browsing through the folder, she came to the conclusion that porn counts as cheating, thus he’s cheating on her.

Never mind he’s not starring in any of the flicks, it’s cheating because there's a very good chance he's beating off to a strange woman that he has never met whose having sexual relations with some unknown man (and woman-he doesn’t discriminate in the porn folder).

I told her, if anything, she should be mad that he labeled the porn folder, as well, a porn folder.

I mean that’s just laziness on his part. He could’ve labeled it “Work Stuff”, “Tax Info”…you know something mundane & unsuspecting. Not just "Porn Folder", making it way too easy for anyone to find & search the contents.

Not that I have labeled any folders as such in MY personal computer. Lol

Being the DC that she is, she fell out for dead & demanded to know if I allow my husband to watch porn.

Outside of the fact that he’s a grown man & is allowed to do what he pleases, porn isn’t a factor in our house.

Now if he watches it on the sneak tip, I have no idea, I’m not actively searching the computer for porn. Lost music files, sure. The Best of Bang Bus, no.

I haven't walked in & caught him beating off or clicking off the tv/computer.

He doesn't have it on his phone like some people I know.

I just don’t care. As long as we continue our own freaky story-lines in the bedroom, I don’t care where he noticed the inspiration. Provided he doesn’t snap the handcuffs on too tight.

Porn IMO is well, boring. I’ve watched it, but for the most part, it doesn’t do anything around the vaginal area. It does wonders from my abdomen area as I’m often bowled out howling with laughter.

I'm sure that kills the mood.

Ok I’ve felt a little tingling down there when watching gay porn. It was just one time & I was watching it with my friends…I mean once we got part the actual “penis in the butt” it was pretty damn…interesting…but I’m not sure if it was because of two dicks on camera (we were all up in the screen for that) or the fact that the men were incredibly cute & one resembled an ex of mine.

Don’t judge lol.

If Hubby wants to fire off some knuckle children © family guy to dead-eyed women giving 30-40 minutes worth of unenthusiastic blow jobs, receive a quick licking by some ashy legged negro rocking Timbs & knee socks while struggling to insert his largely flaccid penis (just because it’s big doesn’t mean it’s completely erect) in her dry vagina, a few fake moans from her, a few position changes & bam-he busts in her face while she grins stupidly at the camera with semen dripping from her overdone face, works for me.

Hell if wack sex is Hubby wants…sign me the f*ck up. I can stop all forms of enthusiasm. Shit sometimes even I am too tired for the freaky stuff. I promise I can be even more unenthusiastic. I’m talking licking only the head, hell a once in a lifetime gargle the balls. Dry coochie, bad acting & all. I'll even rock a tacky weave & busted shoes just for him.

Just as long as he's 100% ashy when he crawls into tbe bed lmao

Porn might work for me if there were more fucking, blow jobs becomes repetitive after 10 minutes, and I find myself skipping ahead. I’m not all too interested in watching dick sucking (unless it’s from my gay porn..once again don't judge). I’m not even impressing by porn stars munching skills. Not that I would ever sleep with one *shudder* but I wish one of them would waste my time with that sorry ass licking. Although I am convinced some of my past conquests have learned their munching skills from porn.

And that’s why they are in the “he doesn’t count” folder (also known as Midterm Papers) lol

But is it cheating? Hell no! It’s just porn.

Now it slides into that murky lane of cheating when:
1. He has a sex tape…and you’re not starring in it.
2. He begins to forget your name & start calling you by one of the porn’s star names (it wasn’t until I joined a message board that I found out porn stars actually have names. I really did think it was a joke to make up a porn star name.)
3. He starts taking the computer/DVD out for dinner & movies.
4. He prefers beating his sh*t to a compilations DVD rather than beat your sh*t.
5. He’s stalking porn stars.

Then I might constitute it as cheating. But just watching it? Nah.

And this is coming from a woman who doesn't mind if Hubby goes to a strip club with his friends as long as he stays out of the VIP room & he has $$ for the mutual bills when they come around. I would not be amused if Strawberry has our cable bill $$ in her g-string.

I told DC she’s making a mountain out of a mole hill. It’s just a little porn. Don’t take it as a blow to your womanhood. Hell the ladies get paid for men to use their face as personal toilet paper…condoms…what ever men scoop their wasted children in after sex.

A man can not squirt in my damn face. Might fuck around & hit my eye & fuck up my contact lens. I shell out too much $$ for my contact lens. I can’t waste them on wayward semen.

And besides…that’s just nasty. Men don’t have a choice of having our lady juice smeared all over their face looking like a glazed donut around the mouth, but dammit I do.

Look at it this way: if he’s watching that much porn, his sex game should be off the chain. She said there was some freaky shit going on in the porn.

*Ok I was mentally taking notes…don’t judge*

And just to start some shit, I mentioned that it’s funny that they argued about porn so close to Valentine’s Day. Isn’t that a cheap n*gga move? Argue & break up so you don’t have to buy a gift because you were “mad” at one another? Only to mysteriously reconcile after the holiday?

Maybe he even…planted the porn so it can be an issue so she can argue with him.

I told her don’t even feed into his plot for being cheap, she should call him right now & let him know his little ploy was an epic fail and they're still dating...until they break up for something else.

She marched off, fuming, to the phones. Leaving me to finish off her bag of chips.

I’m saving DC’s relationship one sarcastic remark at a time.

Maybe I should rethink that whole "I suck at relationship advice" thing.