I'm Not A Bad Person...Am I?

I’ve has many labels but “popular” has never been one of them.

I’ve never been a popular girl.

I’ve never had people clamoring to be my friend. There were no fights to sit next to me at the lunch table. There was no anticipation when my birthday came around and the elite few go to hang with the “outside me” at my birthday.

Although I will say my birthdays were the shit…the ones that I actually stayed up for and was not spanked and banished for various evils deeds I inflicted on my guests *lol*

No one copied my style. No one got that flush of pleasure when I remembered his or her name and spoke it aloud.

Granted people knew me. I wasn’t a complete loser. I didn’t have to beg for people to attend my birthday parties. I’ve always had a nice numbers of friends. I wasn’t known for the wrong thing- although many of my labels have the word “bitch” all up and through it- “bitch”, “sarcastic bitch”, “evil bitch”, etc. Growing up in an inner city school, there was always at least 3-4 girls with my name (hell my best friend and I share a name) and at least I was the 2nd (sometimes 1st person) thought of when described.

Honestly as a kid, it really puzzled me. As an adult, not so much because I’ve stopped caring.

By now, I know I have a “like me, hate me” personality. It’s always either or-never in the middle. People either like me, think I’m a cool person, fun to be around OR people just can’t stand my little black ass.

I have a “warm up” personality. Some people don't like me initially but when they "warm" up to me, then I'm cool.

It’s nice when people get to know me & realize I’m not a bad person but it's fine if they don’t take the time & make assumptions. That’s just another line they can stand in.

At times, yes I wanted to be popular. Yes I wanted to be well liked. But I wanted it without giving up who I am. Once I figured I'll have to give up part of who I am to achieve that, I gave all attempts.

I guess I've always marched to the beat of my own drum. I have done it since I first started school & other kids wouldn’t play with me because I could read. Teachers made a big deal about it until I was in the 3rd grade & I asked them to stop.

Some call me "charming"; others call me "sneaky".

Some are used to my blunt words & constant sarcasm, others are irked by it.

I can't twist my mouth up & say I'm angelic, but I'm a good person. You might not like my way of doing things but I'll never intentionally steer anyone wrong.

I can be the best girlfriend a man has ever had.

I can also be the worst.

I have insecurities like everyone else; I don't try to project them onto other people. I joke all the time & claim I’m a hater but I’m not a hater. I’m not a jealous person. I can be a vindictive person, sure depending on the circumstance, but jealous?

Nah, I don’t look right with green eyes.

Can I be mean? Sure, I can be the meanest person on earth-but only when I’m pushed. To some I’m mean all the time. I walk around like I have a chip on my shoulder. To others, they’ve never seen me raise my voice let alone act mean. Sure they know it’s there but they’ve never been a witness.

It’s funny that I’m always mean when telling the truth.

I love to laugh. Cracking jokes in my way of dealing with life sometimes. It’s my way of cheering someone up. It can be inappropriate, I guess, but it reflects my feelings in a way I can’t show.

When my grandfather passed away, I received the phone call at 7:30 in the morning. By noon, I was joking with my mom in an effort to lift her spirits. I can be upset sure, although my grandfather & I were not really close, but my mother was hurt. She’s now lost both her parents within 8 months of each other. Both of MY parents are still living. I’m down to my last grandparent.

How do I deal? Joking with whom going to throw themselves on the casket THIS time? I told my mother she can do the honors if she wishes.

She knows I try.

I’m not an emotional person. You won’t catch me crying. When I cry, it’s always in private. My husband, in our entire 6+ year relationship, has seen me cry a handful of times. Whenever I feel the need to cry, it’s at night. I don’t believe in wasting time with public crying.

I don’t even give sweet cards. All of my cards are funny cards. I try to find the corniest card out of the bunch. I save the sweet words for the inside of the card.

I have my quirks that irk even me. I hate the fact that I speak without thinking-A LOT. It’s like I lack the ability to keep my mouth closed.

I believe in saving up lies thus why I am not a liar. Sure I may lie sometimes but trust that lie was saved up for months before I decided to use it. I hate to lie (because I hate liars) but even I know you can’t tell the truth all the time.

I don’t intentionally hurt people’s feelings. That’s just not me. I know I have a sharp tongue. I know words can come out my mouth harsher than I meant for it to be. I know my words when read can come off as mean. If my feelings are hurt, yeah I have the need to hurt that person’s feelings back. I want to hurt that person’s feelings. It makes me feel good to hurt them in the way they have hurt me. It’s not right, I know it’s not right but I thrive for it all the same. NOT all the time because that’s not my style. I don’t knock off weaker opponents to make me feel good. In the event that I find that I have unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings, I apologize instantly. It actually hurts my feelings when someone thinks I’ve intentionally tried to hurt them.

One of the few things that will truly hurt my feelings.

I’ve broken my habit of getting revenge. I remember when I used to plot out revenge. Long elaborate plans that took months, weeks, sometimes years to execute. I firmly believed revenge is a dish best served cold & I don’t forget a slight. Some of my revenge tactics are legendary among friends (and enemies).

I gave it up not because it was wrong but because it became too time consuming.

I make no apologies for who I am. At the end of the day, no matter what others think, I’m just me.