I Can't Believe This One...

Top of the…err…afternoon to ya….So sue me I celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in college…You know that was like a real celebration in college, school damn near shut down…well that was due to most of the students hitting the bar at, like, 9 am for green beer and vodka shots. And you know I was right there, throwing back Green Jello Shots with the best of them.

Beer is yucky so I stay away from it.

Yes…I’m in a fantastic mood today!

I have to work all damn weekend…oh goody a night shift…should be loads of fun and Friday I’m going home to Chicago so I’m not complaining…much. Considering for the last two weeks, I’ve been working three days a week and slacking off the remaining four, I can’t be too mad. Gloating while the fiancé is struggling to get out of bed at 8 am every morning, chuckling while friends gripe about deadlines, long hours, and office gossip yours truly was rolling over scratching her left butt cheek hugging the pillow. Oh well, the mini vacation is over. Back to the trenches I go.

I have to get out to see Snakes on a Plane for no reason other than it’s stupid, thus funny in my eyes. And did I mention how much I like Sam-U-El Jackson? Not Samuel. But Sam-U-El. Gotta break it up into syllables. They robbed him of his Oscars. Knowing damn well he should have gotten several for playing the crack head in Jungle Fever. *sigh* The Oscars committee wouldn’t know good acting like that if it bit them on the ass.

I also realized that he has been in a lot of f*cking movies. I swear I saw him standing behind Scar in The Lion King. Sh*t I can’t knock his hustle though, sh*t a movie is not a movie without Sam-U-El. But damn he has his fingers in a lot of movies.

YES they deserved to die….AND I hope they burn in hell!!!

My all time favorite movie quote.

I was so mad yesterday I forgot to tell yall about the transgendered **I was rudely informed that “transvestite” is a derogatory term…sheesh who knew gays was so damn sensitive? I meant no harm, of course** individual I saw yesterday. And if I had snapped out my trance I would have snapped a picture so you can see if for yourself.

Come to think of it maybe that’s why CUTIE’s fine ass brother had his face all scrunched up because the person was right next to us. But I wasn’t paying attention until he/she walked away. Well I was but not to the face.

CUTIE has chased me half way down the street because I had my I-Pod on and wasn’t paying attention as usual. I usually keep my headphones blasting as to block out sound and to avoid talking to people. Yeah when I’m in a f*cked up mood the last thing I feel like is conversation so I tune the world out.

He pays his cable bill in the area. For some reason Black folks are scared to cross the bridge to come into Virginia if they live in DC. I heard it’s the strict laws in VA or something but he crosses the bridge to either work or pay his cable bill. The Comcast in DC I heard keeps horrible hours and are just sh*tty anyway so folks come over in VA to pay their bill. I’ve never ran into him before paying my cable bill but I usually pay the bill way before it’s due so I’m never in the neighborhood around this time. But I was lazy during my days off and didn’t feel like trekking to the cable company.

And I was mad about banging my damn leg on that f*cking cable box. And that sh*t hurts.

Now we’re talking, basically getting everything out in the open. I’m flattered by his words but then again I’m engaged and like I said, DC men generally turn me off. Besides I’m not a punk, I wanted to say what I had to say *again* in person and not via phone or texting. So he’s eyeing the ring and then I guess something catches his attention behind me. I kind of glance back sh*t I’m from the Chi and although this is a great neighborhood you can never be careful. He glances at me, make a head nod and he exchanges a glance at the chocolate dreamboat he calls a brother.

You know the glance. The sh*t that you don’t even have to say because you’re both thinking the same thing.

So he’s still making the jerking head notion like “Look at this” and I’m assuming a hot ass mess is coming up the street so I turn my head.

I was looking at some of the prettiest breasts in the world.

No lie. No homo or whatever phrase used to signify that you’re completely heterosexual but it was true.

From the neck down, I was floored. And instantly jealous. I’m always talking about my lack of mammatory glands on my blog and how I wished I had bigger breasts. This person had the breasts I always wanted. And I’m not a lesbian *although they hit on me all the time* and I don’t make a habit of gawking at ladies’ bodies * so not to send off the wrong signals to the wrong folks* but I can appreciate a woman who has a fantastic shape. I don’t have a problem complimenting anyone. Sh*t if you look slamming, I will say it. No malice. No side line hating. No sarcasm. I just call it what it is. Apparently that’s not what’s hot in DC. *shrugs*

Low cut shirt, shirt so low I knew she didn’t have on a bra. Breasts just sitting up like “Hello, How you doing?” and portrayed the ideal cleavage. She had to be at least a 34C, 36C tops but them b*tches were just gorgeous. Screamed for attention. Once again no bra.

I’m so captivated by her breasts, I almost didn’t notice the dog. Keep in mind, not once did I look at the face. I had to stop staring at her chest otherwise I was going to have to get some pamphlets entitled “Are You Gay?”, “You and your Sexuality”, “10 Signs You May Be a Lesbian”. Hmm I wonder if that’s how big breasts women feel when men just stare at their breasts and not their face. I don’t ever have to wonder about that myself since a man isn’t looking at much so he has no choice but to focus on my face.

OK, let me stop before Dr. T Cas analyzes me as an undercover lesbian. Dammit I’m still President of the “I Heart Penis” Club. Just renewed my lifetime membership and everything. Has the T Shirt in pink glitter too.

She had one of those cute little dogs that cost at least $700. Fluffy and golden and wearing a cute little pink sweater. I really do feel for the poor animals whose owners dress them up knowing its 90 degrees out and a sweater plus all fur equals an uncomfortable animal. Sometimes the animals look so pitiful, like “Please put me out my misery”, eyes downcast embarrassed that as a male dog he’s wearing a pink sweater with glitter and reindeers all over it. Knowing he is not getting any play looking like that. But I will admit this dog was cute in his miniature sweater. I jumped at first because I saw a flash of gold and for some reason I thought of “golden rat” *sh*t VA got rats just like everyone else* but it was the dog.

I heart animals so instantly I’m patting and cooing at the dog. Thinking of ways to knock out ol’ girl and take the dog and run. Eyeing the loose bricks by the church and scanning the streets for witnesses. CUTIE and his brother, eh they’re expendable. Plus I know like typical Black folks, when I run I know they asses will run automatically.

Now meanwhile CUTIE and his brother are speechless. They’re giving me the “Are you serious?” face. I’m misinterpreting thinking that they were checking old girl out, I mean those breasts could make Mary weep, and wanted a “female’s” input. And I also thought they figured since her breasts were out for the world to see that I would be a “typical” female and start hating or make snide remarks about her attire.

I’m thinking more like “I should take a picture of those so if I ever lose my mind and actually decide to get plastic surgery, those are the tits that I want!”

And I’m still thinking of clubbing her with a brick and swiping the dog.

Only when “she” scoops to pick up the dog to put it in the doggy carrier because her bus was coming do I catch a glimpse of the face.

A man’s face. More specifically a man’s face in a cheap Blond wig. I could se f*cking face stubble!

So a b*tch is speechless. Mouth gaping, I stare as “she” sashay on the bus. CUTIE and his brother sees my expression and cracks the f*ck up.

Me: Was that…a man?

CUTIE: Sh*t you didn’t know?! Why do you think I was trying to get your attention?

Me: Naw that wasn’t a man, maybe just an ugly female, but not a man…right?

CUTIE’s Brother: Look. That was a man. Nigga had a mustache!

**LAUGHTER**

Me: But the breasts…the shape…man that was a woman! She was just ugly as shit in the face…and umm yeah some women has facial hair, sh*t they just shave it! I refuse to believe the best breasts I have ever seen on a woman in fact belong to a man!

**LAUGHTER**

CUTIE: Baby girl, you’re in denial. That was a man. Sh*t this neighborhood is full of them! I thought you knew…You thought that was a woman for real…Did you look at the face?!

Me: Hell naw I wasn’t looking at the face! All I saw were the tits and the f*cking dog! Hell f*cking naw. Damn…I should have gotten to number to his plastic surgeon then.

**LAUGHTER**

We stood there and laughed for a minute. I couldn’t believe it. I was mad about the cheap ass wig, I can forgive that, but the chest?

I know there are transgendered men and women out there but damn! I’m mad I didn’t snap a picture so everyone could see it. A woman’s shape, form, but a man’s head. After getting over my initial denial, I couldn’t lie. It was a man’s head on a woman’s body.

I was too through after that. I had to rest my damn eyes. MY f*cking tits resting on some man’s chest!

And that was my encounter with the transgendered individual walking around with Tenacious’ titties on his chest.