Why Me...

Damn it’s Tuesday and already it’s hot as f*ck outside! It’s so hot out the Devil was like “Damn, it’s hot as hell!” *snicker* Ok lame but hey I laughed for about five minutes myself at the lameness.

Work was work. I mean I was not thrilled to be back and I was hit with a barrage of “Was it hot in Florida” (Naw hell froze over and started with Florida…F*ck you think?), and “You look darker, did you tan?” (Naw if you press the boil on my ass, my skin get darker. Like the doll I had when I was a shorty that if you raised the arm, the hair sprouted from the middle, not the whole head, but the middle. I always wonder why the middle considering the sides and back were short as hell. *shrugs shoulder* Of course the hair eventually got tangled up and I had to do my “beautician” thing and hack the hair off…But you get the point).

Then one girl had the nerve to come out the side of her mouth with “Did I bring her something”? B*tch did you contribute to my funds? Did you grease my palms? Hell are you family? Are we f*cking? I mean if it’s none of the above then why the hell would I bring you something back? Although if we were just f*cking you’d be lucky if I came back let alone some gifts. *lol* And the killing part was that we’re not even cool like that and she was dead ass serious. And had the nerve to cop an attitude when I gave her that “B*tch Please” look. Black folk are quick to ask what the hell you bought them but let that shoe had been on the other foot. I barely wanted to buy my big ass family some gift let alone some strangers. And my mama had the nerve to talk about, “Brang her some Mickey ears”. Do she know how much them sh*ts cost? I’d make her some ears. Sh*t give me some duct tape, some black velvet and some cardboard. I’d work it out. She better wear that T-Shirt with some pride.

I wanted to go out today but it was too hot even for me to be out. I was sizzling walking down the street. Lotion just sizzling on the skin. I’m walking looking like a melting chocolate popsicle. I was just trying to get home and get in the air conditioner. Lo and behold, I walk into to a blast of heat. My BF decided to open the screen door to get some air and turned our living room into a sauna. Talking ‘bout the cat needed some fresh air. I wanted to smack him and the damn cat. Oh but he had the bedroom nice and chilly though. But had my naptime couch all stuffy and hot. Couldn’t even take my nap like I wanted. I was just shooting daggers at his ass all night.

Then I realized I couldn’t fit into a cute pair of crop shorts I just bought. Like only I can do, I threw away the receipt and the tags because I had no intentions of returning them and I have the very bad habit of throwing receipts away, so I’m stuck with a pair of cute shorts that even I can’t manage to squeeze in. Those bad boys don’t even button up that’s how tight those bad boys are. Shorts stop halfway up the ass. Even that’s too much crack for me to be exposing to the general public and I am Lady of “Butt Crack Showing”. Hey it’s clean! I have on clean drawls. I have a “long crack” as Tyra would say. Besides I refuse to accept that low rises are not for the “heavy bottom”. I knew I should have tried them on (better yet just kept the damn receipts) but I was in a rush and just grabbed a pair without really thinking. And they are so cute so I’m too mad. So not only am I stuck with those, I’m still going to have to go back and buy the same damn pair all over again because those shorts are too cute for me to just walk away from. I might put them bad boys on EBay or something. Hell sell quite a few outfits on EBay. Damn being a Good Samaritan. The Goodwill and Salvation Army has gotten enough come-up from Tenacious. Ima just sell the sh*t on EBay and make me some cheddar. I have an EBay obsession by the way. Don’t let me bid on something and someone top me?! I’m like a fiend, constantly refreshing the screen and then swoop in on the last minute to (sometimes) claim my prize. And I hate when I bid on something, forget it and by the time I get home someone swooped in and got me. To the B*tch who swiped my Baby Phat Dress from me last week—I hope it shrinks in the wash B*tch!

They lucky I’m a Christian otherwise I would get really greasy.

*lol*

And why did my girl DRAMA call me and tell me some outright foolishness. Hence the name, she’s always in some drama and usually she drags me into it so I don’t hang with her as much because I’m tired of ducking bullets and fists. She loves drama so much, I think she purposely creates some just to have some drama. I mean I am a Drama Queen myself but I am a very conservative D.Q. compared to her.

I hate to put her business out in the street but since she doesn’t know what a blog is, I’m sure she won’t call me angry. Besides this isn’t anything new with her. And my wording is nothing new either.

Now DRAMA, besides her having us screeching out the Westside of Chicago a few times due to some sh*t she done got “us” (never “I” but “US”—Never mind I never know what the hell went down until after we fled to safety and I gotta sleep with one eye open for a few nights) into, is a really nice person. Is that an oxymoron? A nice D.Q? But she is. When she’s not into some sh*t she is a cool person to be around. Funny, really sweet, kind of dinky but she's just a general nice person who makes dumb ass choices. But she has one fatal flaw. And this is what makes me play her super close (keep your “potential” enemies closer).

She sleeps with other women’s boyfriends.

Now I have my personal opinion to women who do silly sh*t like this as well as the dumb ass men who get involved but that’s another topic. Ok since yall dragged my opinion out of me: I just don’t like it. Not because I’m in a relationship. Not because I have had a few guys who were dumb enough to cheat and get caught. But just because I think it’s generally sleazy. Why would you want to sleep with a dude who you know has other p*ssy juice dripping from the penis? Why would you want to kiss a dude who you know is probably going down on another woman? I mean its one thing to know and know. You can have your suspicions but when a guy has another girl that you’re aware about, it just makes it ten times worse?! Think of the diseases!

And besides it never works out. Why would you want a man who you just know is a cheater from day one? Can he just progress into one? Damn already untrustworthy day one into the relationship.

It’s just crazy. I feel that there’s enough d*ck in the world to go around. Why do you need to have another woman’s sloppy seconds? Plus it screams “low self esteem” and “accept anything from anyone”.

No matter how much I tell DRAMA how foul she is, she refuses to listen. Some dumb ass logic, “relationship without the strings” or some other foolishness. So needless to say, I keep an eye on her when my boyfriend is around. I’d hate to have to f*ck her and him up just for “GP”. Just for disrespecting me of course.

But she calls me upset because another girl we know with is sleeping with ”her” man. This broad had the nerve to be insulted! LMAO. I had to cock my head and do the Scooby Doo “Errrrr” noise. Insulted? She’s mad because the girl is breaking “female friendship” code about sleeping with an “ex”. Ex? When did yall go together? Is f*cking the new “We’re In A Relationship” code or something? I didn’t know f*cking meant we went together. I thought it was just f*cking. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

So she calls me all upset and she wanna put her on three way so we can blast her. Yes we. Of course, I told her, “Oh hell naw!” Don’t bring that to me. One dude is a major sleaze ball. He has a stable of women at his beck and call. His poor girlfriend is just going to snap one day and kill everybody. I know it’s hard when you know your man is cheating yet something is keeping you tied to him. I say “B*tch RUN!” The d*ck ain’t that good and he sure ain’t treating you like a Princess so bounce and find a man who can appreciate you. Two did I mention he is a sleaze? He tried to holler at me while he was f*cking DRAMA. A strong slap from yours truly kept his paws to himself. Three the other girl is an “undercover” so I’m not too surprise. Praising the Lawd at sunrise, frolicking with the Devil at sunset. Only time the Devil is behind her is when the next dude hop on for his turn. “Undercovers” think they’re slick but just know someone knows your “secret”. And I know hers well.

Then she hits me with this and I started laughing so hard, I had to hang up on her mid-rant:

She bogus because she know I was still f*cking him and instead of asking, she’s just going to start f*cking him anyways. Talking about she f*cked him Thursday! I f*cked him Thursday! Isn’t that some trifling sh*t? How is he going to f*ck me, her, and his girlfriend all on the same day? She is so foul yo’ ! I just want to spit in her eye for disrespecting me like that…”

^^See the characters that unfortunately latch themselves to me? Damn co-dependent friends! I was just too disgusted. I ain’t an angel. I’ve done a little dirt in my life but I am not grimy. I don’t mess with other women’s men. I flirt and all but as soon as you mention you have a girlfriend, my smile drops and I back away like you just told me you have a bomb in your pocket or something. Besides I am a germ phobic. You gotta damn near scrub yourself raw just for a hug, let alone do anything remotely sexual. That scene from Poetic Justice keeps popping in my head. Eww just nasty. At least she straps up (or so she say…). But you know b*tch can’t take not a sip off my pop. I don’t even want her eating off my plates. I’d beat a b*tch ass. Real quick.

20 minutes later, she called back. I should have let it ring. Had the nerve to twist her mouth up and ask me should she stop messing with dude. You know what I told her. So I don’t even have to say it. So my line beep and I click over. It’s the other girl. How this heff got my number because we’re not even cool like that is a mystery. She wanted to know why DRAMA is tripping? It’s not like she go with dude. Dude approached her. She didn’t even know he was the same dude DRAMA was messing with until after the fact. She also claimed she didn’t know he had a girlfriend. Besides they have been messing around for a minute. And the killing line:

“He’s going to break up with his girlfriend and stop messing with DRAMA and get with me”

And all but demanded that I tell DRAMA to get off his “tip” and stop stalking him.

Dude must have some uranium penis to have females going crazy like that. I’m just going to keep messing with the Bronze, Silver, and Gold in that case. That is the type of penis that does not need to invade Ms. Kitty. It’s probably diseased anyway. He couldn’t hit this with a radioactive suit, industrial strength gloves, and if he had the winning Powerball numbers. Well maybe if the lottery was really big and I didn’t have to split it with anyone…NO…Not even then.

I told her to talk to DRAMA and clicked over to DRAMA and told her the same. I told her I am so out of this and if yall wanna duke it out like two b*tches on a side street over a n*gga that’s dogging both of yall and obviously you’re both too stupid to catch on, then that’s fine.

But keep Tenacious out of this.

I refuse to be the referee on this one. And DRAMA should have learned her lesson from the last time. We’re still not allowed on the West Side. Yes “we’re”. B*tch tricked me with the promise of Popeye’s and I ended up putting some of my track moves to work. Jumping over chain link fences like I’m Flo Jo or something. I mean I have had experience due to running from the police but damn the police don’t give you some go.

And I still have yet to get that Popeye’s.

What’s sad that DRAMA’S drama was the highlight of this boring, hot Tuesday evening.

I knew I should have gone out.