The Wedding....

Saturday was…interesting.

After dragging my hung over ass out the bed and tended to my niece (How’s that for Aunt of the Year? Hung over yet still attend to the children) and nephew who insisted on candy for breakfast which led to an argument over candy which resulted in a lot of tears over Captain Crunch cereal. Then there was a big family argument over whether or not the children could attend the wedding. My mother wanted them to attend and then drop them off at the babysitter's house for the reception but my brother did not want his (emphasis on his since he kept saying that they were his kids and not my mother's) children to attend the wedding. My mother eventually just gave in with the quote, "Well since these are your kids then I hope you get a job to support your kids!". He went and ssat his ass down somewhere but unfortunately the kids did not attend with us.

I actually ironed clothes for the event. I am not an ironer. Probably because so many of my clothes are “snug” which defeats the purpose of ironing because the wrinkles tend to smooth themselves out and besides I just hate ironing. I chose to rock some white pants (tight in the ass) of course and an off the shoulder shirt, the VS Push Up Bra that perks the breasts up a full cup, and some white accessories and shoes. I was looking fierce. Had the wild sorta Beyonce curly hair thing going. Unintentional but hey I didn’t feel like doing anything to it. I was looking fabulous if you ask me. Besides I didn't bring a lot of hair products with me and I sure wasn't walking 2 blocks to the Beauty Supply Store for some more! At least it wasn't the "After The Club" hair. No weed, cigarette, alcohol, and sweat smell from the mane.

Of course like Black Folks are, the wedding started an hour late. I didn’t actually peep him until the wedding was about to start and after doing a double take (and a quick pat down for weapons) he thanked me for coming. He gave me my props as I look much better than my teenage years and he looked really nice. I am mad that his hair is officially longer than mine but that’s another issue. His son was adorable in his little tux although you can tell he was not thrilled to be in an all-white tux with explicit directions to not run around the church with the rest of the children. Of course I attended the wedding with my mother, grandmother, aunt, and brother and like the family we are, in the church you know we had to roast on the people attending the wedding. I mean that is like mandatory when you step in a church--to roast. You know my mother and grandmother perfected that "talk out the side of your mouth without your lips moving yet manage to greet and roast at the same time" thing that church women tend to do.

Apparently a lot of drama has gone down with the bride and her side of the family because his side of the family was not the nicest. Now you know Black Folks love to gossip and I love to ear hustle so I peeped all the drama as spoken by one of his oldest sisters. All in all, his bride is supposedly a major tramp but you ain’t heard that from me. And when I mean major, I mean legs like 7/11 (open 24/7), trampy. So basically they thought he was dumb for turning a hoe into a housewife but he's family, he's in love, and that's what he wants to do so his side had no choice but to give their approval. Now her bridesmaids were just ghetto as hell. I mean I feel if you’re going to wear a clingy dress, please wear a girdle. I mean more rolls than an all you can eat buffet. Stretch marks, bullet wounds, and "back" fat for days. I mean the dresses were gorgeous but no justice was done to those dresses on those girls. Females just looking beyond popped. And the hairstyles? I saw more gel and weave, tracks, and glitter to last a lifetime. I think it was mandatory to wear tracks or something. I mean a french roll should not require 5 rows of tracks! And I thought fingerwaves went out in the mid 90s? And I just won’t mention the ghetto tattoos especially since one girl felt the need to express her love for her baby daddy with a BIG ASS tattoo over her breasts. Saggy breasts that obviously never met a good strapless bra. And had the nerve to have a little V on the dress to seperate them. Now on the contrary, the groomsmen were the complete opposite. Clean cut, nice hair cuts, pants actually fitted. Very debonair if you ask me. You can kind of tell they were not thrilled to be paired with the Ghetto Bunch, especially since none of them were really that attractive plus each had about two kids apiece. They coming out the back to change diapers and beat asses and sh*t. I'm like, "Damn attend to the Bride!" All of the bride's friends must have forgotten they were attending a wedding…in a church because all were rocking the finest of Club Wear. Just didn’t attempt to dress up at all! I guess throwing on some stilettos with some tie up pants is dressed up.

And no I didn’t trip the bride. My mother made me sit in the middle. *lol* But I did have a “coughing” fit during the ceremony. Must be some type of bug going around or something. *lol* Of course my mother was not amused. She popped my hand for being ignorant as hell but hey I’m sticking to my “sick” story. I did want to trip her through. I don't think it would have been too hard, although I might have gotten jumped shortly after that because the bridesmaids looked like straight thumpers. That dress wasn't going to stop them from beating some asses.

Of course at the reception he slid over to me and told me I wasn’t slick, he knew that was me but I played dumb. Tuh...what does he think I am? Immature? *lol* He almost didn’t want me to come because he thought I would sent it up but I behaved myself although I did want to show my ass and say something ignorant like, “Un Uh you can’t marry her! You know I’m having your baby!” or something like that. He seems to think I have "anger" issues that I need to work out. Now ain't that some sh*t? Even though his nephews and cousins did kind of keep a watchful eye on me.

The reception of course started late and it ended up running out of food. You ain’t gonna tell a Black person they can only have 2 piece of chicken and a scoop of macaroni and cheese! The best part was that there was a free open bar with a ghetto bartender who tended to make you a “drank” and not a “drink” so you know it was hella tipsy people up in there. Free liquor? Please. I mean I had a Bacardi and coke. *lol* You know they had to usher folks off the mike because they started going into drunken rambles that had nothing to do with the bride and groom.

Funny story: Why did his nephew try to hit on me? Now on his father’s side, he’s the youngest of seven and his father was 80+ when he died. Doing the math means he has brothers and sisters who are in their 50s. Hell his nieces and nephews have kids that’s older than him! Now his nephew is 32. A little too bright for my taste but he is cute. He would not leave me alone. Funny then is when we were kids; he was the main one who used to torture me. Throwing water balloons on us, giving us “Indian Burns”, and pounding us into submission…You know the typical torture older kids gave younger ones. But he was all up on a sister. Talking about in three years we’re going to get married. *lol* And yes he was dead ass serious. I guess he refused to read the memo that I have a boyfriend. He even went to my ex for info about me and damn near fell out when he was like, “N*gga that’s Tenacious!” Then I guess he begged for my number from my ex because the next thing you know he's calling me! I was too pissed! What is this about giving out my damn number? I am so glad I am not in Witness Protection or something because it would have long been a wrap for my black ass. So I had to call and leave a somewhat joking/nasty voicemail to the ex about trying to put his family "on" me and sh*t. Especially not Light Bright who threw me in the garbage one year. And not the same Light Bright that used to pull my braids.

So he has been blowing up my phone wanting to know when I’m coming back home and he wants to take me out and all this foolishness. I told him to gone somewhere. I remember that n*gga slapped a cupcake out my hand when I was a shorty. You know Tenacious holds grudges and he f*cked with my meal? He won't give up though.

After the reception and getting away from Light Bright (his childhood nickname from me that he hates), I went home and took a quick nap because I was so tired. Rocking stilettos and strutting around like I’m Divalicious wore me out. You know I had to sashay around to upstage the bride. Oh she was not pleased that I attended her wedding. She had her bridesmaids cutting their eyes at me the entire time and even cutted in between me and Light Bright’s conversation to be all up in our business. So you know me…I had to tell her that why is she threatened by me. Last time I check you stole him from me so doesn’t that make you a better catch? Don’t you have a baby by him? Did he not just put a rock on your finger not even an hour ago? Thus bumping you from “Baby Moms” to “Wife” status? She better gone somewhere. I started to trip her ass at the reception but too may witnesses.

I admit a touch of sadness struck me while watching him at the alter. He looked so happy up there so I couldn’t even hate. Maybe one day that will be me.

So after I woke up, I went out with my favorite alcoholic aunt where we got slizzard out the ass. Got so drunk I damn near missed my flight because I was sleeping so long. Then Light Bright wanted to call me at like 4 am but he obviously lost his mind because he has violated my “Do Not Call After 12a” rule. I forgot you can’t drink a true alkie under the table. I tried and failed. Luckily I made my flight in time although it was delayed for over an hour. I made it back to DC by 3 pm.

AHHH it feels good to be back in DC