I've Been Thrown Out Of Better Places!

Tell me why Friday I was booted from the club?

For “Public Intoxication”?

And I wasn’t even that drunk? Sure I was loose but I was in the designated “Detox” room like I was a junkie or some sh*t? Like I got the shakes and sh*t. Like this is that episode of "Family Guy" when The Cookie Monster was in rehab and sh*t. With the chocolate chip cookie dough "pipe".

I mean I had four cups of the ‘Goose and OJ before I went in the club not to mention the Rum & Coke that I knocked back as soon as I got in there but I was not slizzard. Sure that Rum & Coke was shoved in my hand and I drunk it (I later found out my girl had bought it but I was so busy dancing that I didn’t notice until it was sloshing around) but still man…

I got the boot from the club and this time it was purely wrong!

Funny as shit but still wrong. It was rather amusing because for once I did not see this one coming.

But due to my history of being put out of places plus the fact that I did not pay to get in there I could not be mad for real. I mean after all the arguing I did, eventually I did catch a 2nd drinking wind and was a little sloshed.

Tuh I won’t be patroning LOVE doors any more. Well at least until June 2nd when my hubbie T.I hits the club. Like I said, he could hit. Of course 4 condoms and a negative AIDS test reading is required. And um yeah he can’t kiss me on the mouth or anything like that but still…

So Friday, I went to work for a pointless meeting about cash handling that was originally canceled but since someone forgot to call and inform us of the update, they were forced to give it. And why is there a Police conference going on at the hotel? Hell don’t they know I’m on parole? I can’t be in a place with too much pork you know. It’s like that ignant side I reserve just for police comes out esp. since they walk around like they’re God or something. But knowing my license is a smig from being suspended, not to mention the random parking tickets that have yet to be paid from when I did actively drive are merits for a towing, I kept cool. I just sulked in the back with the rest of the Blacks who clearly “felt” me so we kept our contact limited with the police. You Know How That Goes.

Sista girl had it going on. Sure the weather drastically changed in the two hours that I was in the meeting but sista was rocking the fresh straw curls and my little shorts that I just grew in. But it made the booty pop so I was on the go. Ended up being at work until damn near 5 pm because my girl was coming up $200 short on her drop and you know how that goes when you’re young, Black, and in charge of money. Eventually they let her go but you know they think she stole the money. I think it was just a computing error but the dumb prick of a manager seems to think other wise. They’re still rolling back the tape on that one. Kinda dumb considering she did give refunds back to guest as well as the countless people who wants to break bills during the day at the front desk but we’ll see how that rolls out.

So we leave and she’s upset because of course they think she’s a thief. She rolls up a joint right up in the parking garage and she’s puffing away while going up the ramp. Keep in mind we have a lot of cops in the hotel. So she’s puffing away and we get out on the street. We got the windows down and she’s still ranting about the money situation. A big ass Suburban pulls up to the side of us and the driver (a Black guy) sees her smoking. So of course he wants to give us a lecture at the light, ending with “You know I’m a cop right? I can run your plates right now and take you all in.”

^^You know I don’t care. The weather had just turned and got kinda chilly so I’m looking crazy in a tank, shorts, and flip flops. Plus I’m mad that the situation has significantly cut into our mall time.

So my ass ask, “Well, are you on the clock? Let me know now so I can call my boyfriend so he can come bail me out. I ain’t tryin’ to be in lockup all weekend”

He replies, “Well no…” *light changes* (long ass lights in Crystal City)

So as we pull off, I holler out the window, “Well holler at me when you are on the clock!”

I don’t give a f*ck. What you thought you were going to scare me? If you really were a damn cop you woulda been called for backup. VA ain’t on that! I hate people who try to use scare tactics on strangers like we were going to drop the weed or something. Like we really was going to have a high speed chase on 395 during rush hour. I think he was mad because he was smiling at us and initially we weren’t paying him any attention.

She finishes the “J” on the Beltway and we head to Arundel Mills to do some shopping. Of course we’re stuck in traffic on the BWI. So we’re basically just talking and laughing and flirting with a guy in the car behind us.

We finally get to Arundel Mills which is like this huge ass shopping complex. It’s a lot of outlet stores in there but the sh*t is humongous! I go in and tear up in shopping of course. Since my blue dress still has yet to arrive in the mail, I was forced to buy another dress for the night plus I needed some shoes to match the outfit. After not finding anything (well I did buy two sexy shirts), we hit up Charlotte Russe and hit the jackpot. I got shoes, a purse, a dress, and some accessories for $60. Can’t beat some sh*t like that. The dress has a low cut back and a short hem line and I perked it up with white shoes and accessories. I just hate buying white shoes because they get dirty and scuffed really quickly and besides I am follow strict rules (thanks to my family) for wearing” white. I always get it confused about the time frame for wearing white dress shoes so I just never wear them. But I guess “white” is in all year round now thanks to Beyonce and her “Crazy In Love” shoes so I am slowing starting to buy white pumps and heels. Even though I still feel like I’m on the Usher Board at chuch when I wear white pumps. But the shoes were cute and they were only $16.99 (more than the dress I might mention *lol*) so I was like two tears in a bucket f*ck it. Them bad boys are now awaiting some TLC with the Magic Eraser.

We leave and meet up with our other girl and we get ready at her crib. She has the cutest little nephew but boy was he nosey! He’s all in our makeup bag, in our purse, playing with our phone and keys. But hey he was a good little servant. We had him putting on our shoes, holding our hair in place and picking lint off our dresses. Hey hey he gotta learn. I was a baby slave from the age of 3 until I left home for college. Besides he had a crush on me and wanted to hold my hand. You all know how I feel about the pervvy kids so I had to let his little adorable self know that Tenacious does not play with other people’s kids. Besides poor thing threw a temper tantrum and got that ass spanked because it was his bedtime and he refused to go.

**For the purpose of getting the folks right, LH and WD are my friends, GOOSE is the guy who bought us drinks, VIP is dude who got us in the club for free, and DD was our “designated driver”**

LH calls GOOSE (one of her dips) and was like we were trying to get our drink on before we hit the club so he told us to come through and he’d buy us something to drink. Now since our hair is laid to the side and we’re looking the finest of skanky (we all had on obscenely short dresses) and it was pouring down on the way into DC and no one though of bringing a jacket or umbrella (well I had my plastic bag to put over my head. Sh*t I will not be in the shop three times this week for the same damn hair style!) at first we didn’t want to get out the car because there was no parking in front of his house and we didn’t want to walk ½ block to his place.

So GOOSE gets in his car and basically meet us and drive us up four houses so we won’t get wet. Now we go in and it’s apparent he already has a little “function” going on in the crib. He was having a little party of his own, which we were invited to, but judging by the chilly reception we received from some of the resident bust downs in the house, we declined. Of course, the vultures were swooping and within minutes I had about four dudes all in my face trying to “cuff” me. Since ‘Goose was neither in their hand nor a dental plan in some of their immediate future, they were promptly ignore. One guy was cute as hell but yeah he had a girl. A girl who was at the “party”. And then he goes and point her out like a dummy. I’m like, “Umm yeah I don’t do threesome. Three is a crowd you know” which drew laughs. I mean why are you pointing her like Ima wave to her or something. And is that disrespectful on so many levels? How you gonna holla at someone at a house party and your significant other is at the same party? So I definitely was not on that with him.

We did get enough catcalls to stroke a female’s ego though. I mean we were looking pre-juking good.

We gets our ‘Goose from GOOSE and down ½ the bottom within 10 minutes. Like I said, I had four cups. LH had five and WD had six. At the end of the night WD was the most sober and LH was the drunkest. She’s the reason we were in Detox in the 1st place.

So we get to LOVE and it’s already juking and packed. VIP spotted LH and WD because they had went out to lunch or something like that and before you know it we were escorted past the rope and metal detectors into the club. But VIP was cool. He found us at the bar, gave us our VIP bracelets, and dipped. I guess he did not want to associate himself with the drunken 3. Yeah by this time we were stumbling, laughing, and just acting an ass.
So after I get the drink shoved in my hand and of course I drink it, the real fun began. We danced on any and everyone, including each other. No homo of course. No frontal grinding. Just shaking our butts on each other “WG” style. I’m shaking my curls all over and sh*t. We get into a drunken dance off with some girls who were nearby. So we’re just wild. I think the guys we were dancing with even slid off because we were just too much for them to handle.

There was numerous “pokes” in the butt and of course even though I’m drunk I had to tell quite a few fellas about my “One Dance Mininum” and “No Hard Pokes In The Anal Area” rule. Hell one dude got shoved because this fool had the nerve to cup my panty-clad booty under the dress. Now you know I don’t play that sh*t. This drew the attention of a bouncer of course and dude was led away. This is the same bouncer that eventually busted us.

Then of course came the drunken pictures. We got the booty shots, the one leg over one another shot, the drunken “Ima Sip This Drink Like I’m Sexy With One Eye Half Closed” shot, the “Random Guy In The Picture” shot and not to mention one of LH on the ground laughing because she tripped picture. Ah yes, the drunken pictures. I have many of pictures in that collection. Eventually they will be sold to Star Magazine for major duckets.

Next thing you know we run into LH’s friend DD. He’s an older guy and obviously he was not that amused by our antics. In fact he cuffed her ass and had her linked to him the entire night. He was so not on that with us. He had her wifed up in the club and while we kept a watchful eye on his ass, we were too busy messing with random guys to really cock block. Besides DD got us in VIP as well. We ran into VIP and we chilled for a hot second.

Then comes the bullsh*t.

We’re chilling in VIP and we’re dancing or what not when the same bouncer that saved dude from a Tenacious Drunken Ass Whooping appears and is like, Get in the Elevator. Ima take yall to another VIP room”. Like drunken idiots me and WD comply with LH and DD trailing behind us. We’re really thinking we’re going to VIP because LOVE has four levels and we’re thinking we’re going up to another VIP room.

Next thing you know we’re in the Detox room in the basement.

We’re in there with like 6 loose as f*ck muthaf*ckers. Niggas just wasted. Like can’t stand up and don’t know where they are drunk. Like so drunk, the bouncers are calling the taxis drunk.

So instantly I’m pissed. I march over to the bouncer and proceed to give his ass a Chi-Town Tongue Lashing of course ending with, Muthaf*cker I’m from the Chi!! This is how I am naturally!”

Like a typical bouncer, he brushes off my rants. He’s like, I’ve been watching you and your girls for a minute and due to your erratic behavior we have to pull you from the floor.”

Ok since when is dancing an erratic behavior? Ok sure we slipped and tripped a few times but hello—3-4 inch heel stilettos, a wet ass floor, and a little alcohol in the system is bound to have hella sistas slipping and sliding all over the dance floor. And besides how the f*ck can you watch us in the club? Like we were the only three on the dance floor and we kept bouncing from level to level.

Then I’m like, Well we’re sober now so let us go back upstairs. I mean this is some bull. I ain’t drunk. That nigga over there throwing up in the bucket is drunk. This broad next to me is drunk. She can’t even sit in the chair by herself. But me? Oh no I’m straight.

Then LH had to mess it up by sliding out the chair. The bouncer looks at me and was like, Yeah…She’s the reason yall asses in here now. Now sit down and drink this water.”

I smack the water out his hand of course and while WD is grabbing me, another bouncer has my other hand. He’s leading me to the door when the MPD comes in and begin taking IDs and info. They wanna know am I driving and if not how am I getting home and what not. I guess they just can’t boot me out the club while I’m drunk. So DD who has just been looking pissed the entire time steps in and claims himself as our “DD”.

They let me stay in only because DD is cool with the owner. So they are about to let us back in the elevator when my second drinking wind kicks in and LH basically goes into comatose mode on us. This heff nods off in the middle of her sentence and sh*t. So the bouncer is eyeing me because he’s still mad that I didn’t get kicked out and his shirt is wet (hey I told his ass I didn’t want the water and get that sh*t out my face) and so I stumbled going up the stairs.

Once again, grounds for staying in Detox. So you know another argument is sparked. I’m like, “Man these are concrete painted steps. I mean it’s so many dents and sh*t on these damn steps of course Ima slip. These f*cking cheap ass steps. I mean how yall gone have painted waxed concrete steps and then expect people not to fall? Need I remind you I am wearing 3 inch heels? I’d hate to have to sue. Besides how you gonna have a club called LOVE yet no one give any?”

^^Bouncers are so damn mean. I mean I know it’s part of the job description to be aggressive and don’t take any mess but still…I mean damn would it kill you to give service with a smile? *lol* I mean they just be posted up looking angry and sh*t. Don’t get mad at me cuz you stuck with the night shift with all the drunken rowdy people. I mean damn folks go to the club to have a good time. We don’t need the “Fun Police” hawking and stalking our asses the whole party.

Needless to say after this tirade, we were directed to the door and kicked out. I was told by the bouncer when I “get my drinking as well as my mouth under control, I can come back to the club.”

So DD drove us home in LH’s car and after a few misplaced drunken dialing calls, I managed to call the BF and he came and dragged my ass out the car and put me to bed. Woke up with a mini hangover and 10 minutes late for work. I started to run out without showering but after sniffing under the arms and realized that 1. I stank and 2. I smelled like weed, sweat, and alcohol I threw my ass in the shower. Besides I can’t do the “go outside without washing my ass” thing. I may go out in sweats and my hair tied up but I do be clean.

I guess I looked like I had a rough night because a guest bought me some Starbucks. Made me think like “Damn do I look post-club bad. Am I looking like one of those girls who be fine in the club and in the morning look like hot sh*t warmed over on a sesame seed bun”? And my curls did fall but they fell in a good way. They loosen up a bit some they look even cuter. Like I got “Good Hair” (I’m thinking of you T.CAS) or some sh*t. Like I got the good crinkly wash and go hair.


Ooh and why was the Secret Service having a job fair and so many fine brothers passed by the desk that a sista was about to go upstairs to fill out an application because anywhere where it’s that many fine brothers applying for a job it means that is a job that Tenacious needs to be at. And I learned something new: There are actually two branches of The Secret Service. The financial side and then there's the one where you gotta dive in front of folks.

Do I really need to mention which branch the bruthas were applying for?

You know we ain’t diving in front of any body! Hell when I duck you better take notice otherwise it’s “holla back son” for you. I’ll come and do a solo at the funeral.

But those brothers were fine as hell though. Ima have to update the resume and begin to balance my checkbook better.

All in all yet another Birthday since I was 18 that I have spent getting booted from an establishment. I have not broken my 5 years streak of a "Birthday Celebration Cut Short". This is the second time this year I have been booted from a DC club.