Randomness....

I've just came in from a nice dinner with CUTIE. It was a pretty nice "outing" (Notice I didn't say date T. CAS) and boy am I stuffed. He really thought I was playing when it came to food. I warned him before we went out that I am an eater. I guess he did not believe me. He kept asking “where is the food going? You’re so little!” I felt semi-bad. I mean, is it really piggy to eat mine and his food? In fact, is it piggy to demand that someone order something just so you can eat it? I couldn't decide on the ribs or the meatloaf so I convinced him to order the ribs while I ordered the meatloaf. Both were pretty yummy by the way. Had to unbutton the jeans (and you know they were tight as hell in the first place. Damn "last summer" clothes! Had the "Buddha belly" thing going on. Looking like I’m on “bump patrol” and sh*t. He wanted to get into some drinking but I had to turn in early. I have to work tomorrow  He did call me a short while later, drunk as all outdoors talking about “my hair was pretty”. I’ve done the drunken dialing before so I humored him as so many have humored me. He’s really amusing when drunk. Maybe I should get him wasted all the time. Is that promoting alcoholism or something though? Damn, I’m that “Bad Teen” who peer pressures “Good Teen” in the bad after school specials that aired on TV (Do those still come on or are teens too complex for that now?)

Just 9 days until the boyfriend comes home. Nine days until I'm the big 2-3. Can you tell I'm excited?!

I went to the Smithsonian today just because I was feeling listless and bored. I love the museum personally but I did feel a little lame considering I was by myself. No one was willing to come with me yall. I got the same *pause* Like you mean *pause* just go to *pause* look at the exhibits? Is this for school or something? I mean, what else do you go to a museum for but to look at the exhibits? I’m like “Naw...I’m going furniture and clothes shopping. I think a mid colonial chest would set off the beige in the living room walls. And what you know at Dolly Madison’s ball gown? Sh*t I’m rocking that to the club!” So I just threw some clothes on and went by my lonesome. I had a lot of fun even though people kept trying to put me in their tour groups and sh*t. I did get a new T-Shirt though. So what I'm not part of the Robinson Family Reunion? I mean they should know not to give me free stuff. Plus I got a free lunch out of it too. I was Theresa from St. Louis for a little while but hey I deserve an Oscar for my performance. My bad to any of the Robinsons who had a family reunion in DC this week. Yeah I’m that random Black girl in the picture. Hey I can’t help it. I’m a camera whore.

After leaving my new "family", I stepped over to the Air&Space museum. I hate walking on the Mall. Would it kill DC to make an actual sidewalk? Just red dirt and gravel everywhere. Gravel all in the sandals and sh*t. Feet looking like I was kicking cinnamon sugar and flour all over the place. Like I'm making cookies and sh*t with my feet. Do they not know I am allergic to ashy-ness? I'm tiptoeing and sh*t like I'm crazy down the street. Then I must have had "Professional Photographer" on my forehead because everyone and they mama wanted me to take pictures for them. They're setting up poses and scenic backgrounds and sh*t. Wanted to direct me on where to take the picture so they can get the "best angle". Umm yeah, you know Tenacious had to let them know those types of services cost. As in dineros. As in muchos dineros. Now what you can do is stand right there and Ima snap this picture right quick. One picture, no "do-overs", no "the sun was in my eye I think I was squinting". Uno fotographo. (See...my Spanish is picking up yall.) No trabejo por free.

Come to think of it, I saw hella Hispanics on the Mall today just chilling. I'm like yall muthaf*ckers just wanted the day off huh? Shouldn't you be protesting or something? Ain't no injustice in the bottom of that Taco Bell bag! Even though I was pissed that the McDonalds that I frequent was closed today. You know a sista had to do the Florida Evans routine in the middle of the sidewalk. Damn Damn Damn **throwing balled up tissue on ground** "What did I do to you? *inhale* WHYYYYY", I screamed as passersby quickened their pace to escape the crazy Black girl falling out for dead clutching the dark McDonald’s door. But I'm just saying...Damn could you have just protested for at least an hour? Your lunch hour or something? I mean really what did McDonald’s do to you? McDonald’s is innocent in all this! *lol* But I have to admit it is kinda genius. I know the muthaf*ckers at my job were sweating bullets. F*ck you mean there's no one here to clean the rooms? Where's the f*ck is Maria and Jesus (You know they ignant ass pronounce it as “Jesus” and not “Hey Zeus”)? F*ck man! All while Maria and the crew was chillin' on the Mall sipping lemonade in the shade. I wonder what would happen if Blacks and Hispanics did that sh*t. Would it be like the NY Transit Strike? HMMM…Something to ponder my brown brothers and sisters.

Then guys...I got felt up...by a four year old. I'm looking at one of the exhibits and I'm bent all the way over trying to read the tiny ass print in the dim ass light. I swear these exhibits are not kind to the nearly blind. Font like -10 Arial Black and sh*t. Then have the nerve to have dim ass light settings. Gotta adjust my eyes and sh*t. So I'm trying to read when I feel a hand on my ass. At first I kinda shrug it off because it was so light to the touch and quick that I thought to myself that I was imagining things. Then I feel it again. So I straighten up and whirl around because you know the conversation was not about to be child friendly. I see no one but a few old folks struggling like me to read the exhibit's description. I'm eyeing Gramps like, "I hope you got your Medicare in order because you're about to need emergency ass surgery to get my foot up out that ass!" when I feel a squeeze yall. A f*cking squeeze! Like someone was feeling a tomatoes and sh*t. That kind of squeeze your significant other give you real quick in public so he/she doesn't look like a perv while in line at the movies or something.

Hey...What can I say? I'm known for feeling my man up in public. :-)

I turn around and why is there a little boy just the cheesing at me. A cute little boy, dimples and all but oh HELL NAW. Damn little pervert in the making. Will be exposing himself to ladies in the park in about 12 years and sh*t. So he's grinning at me trying to dig his little Chuck Taylor covered toe into the carpet. Then he reaches out to grab my hand and say, "You so pretty". While that melted my heart a bit, I still had to give him a lecture on touching strangers, especially Black ones who won't hesitate to beat your little ass. I told him to point out his parents and I led him to them and explained the situation to his horrified mother and his pervvy father who I think was proud that his son was feeling up strangers in the museum. His daddy was staring at me a little too long for my taste. I didn't snap but I did let them know that I did not find the situation cute or amusing and please lecture their child on grabbing women's body parts. Keep a better eye on your kids’ people!

Then I'm trying to mind my own business when a security guard tried to get his flirt on. A sexy chocolate specimen but umm shouldn't you be stopping those kids from jumping all over the exhibit instead of trying to get my number? I wasn't on a flirting mission today (Ok well I was but hey he was on the clock. I do have some standards yall) and besides I was self conscious because he kept looking at my rusty ass feet. Damn me for taking my lotion out the purse! I couldn't fit the camera and the full bottle of J&J in there! Yes, I tote a full bottle of lotion. Black people ask for lotion like homeless folks ask for change: all the damn time! Strangers will see you bust out some lotion and come over and ask for some. Usually I oblige. No need in embarrassing "us" by walking around with rusty knee caps. Like you've been hitting soccer balls and sh*t.

While leaving the museum to go home, I get cursed out by a homeless guy because I didn't have any change. Had the nerve to call me a "cheap hussy". Hell I usually give out change (to people's surprise) and even have bought meals for the homeless. I volunteered at a homeless shelter in high school and I do know that many can not help their situation. I did not have any change on me and he proceeded to "read" me in front of everyone. I started to argue back but then I stopped, thought about it (Hell I have a place to go), and left. Besides my grandmother once told me that Jesus is going to come back as a homeless person so be aware of how you treat “Him”. Ummm yeah pretty random and crazy but I grew up in “that” type of household. And seeing how I am in the red in the sinning department (hell I’m at the max. My sh*t is on its way to Collection right now) Umm yeah I need to kind of buy my way into Heaven. I'd be at the gates like, "Yo remember when I gave you my last $2. I know you know that was my last $2. Or what about the time I got you that Subway? Come on Jesus help a sista out here!" Considering that was a random conversation with my father's overly religious mother who tells me every week I am living in "sin" with my boyfriend yada yada yada. I want to tell her, "Man if you think that is sinful, wait 'til you hear about the skrippers (yes skrippers yall), the tennis ball and the Tequila..." but that would be too much for her to handle. *disclaimer- There is no story with a tennis ball and Tequila…But there is quite a few about some skrippers. Yes, Tenacious has hit the male and female skrip club lol*

My sarcasm is a lost cause on her.

With an attitude like that hmmpt I'm surprised he gets any change. Tuh, I'll take my change elsewhere from now on.

I'm going down the escalators when I see the finest specimen of man I have ever seen walking down the other escalator. Tall, dark, bald head just the glistening. Ooh he was a Black Adonis. Body was nice and cut under that suit. Juicy lips too. Ooh and then why did he turn and smile at me? Even white teeth. I had to wipe the drool from ma mouth because I know I was slobbing. I was a second from climbing over the escalator but tight jeans and climbing + no jacket and little shirt= a drafty ride back to the crib. I’ve unintentionally exposed my cheeks before, I don’t plan on ending up on someone’s camera phone or worse…subject of their blog and complete with a picture. Then of course my clumsy ass had to f*ck it up. My neck was so busy turned looking at my future husband **sorry Baby…Mama still loves you** (and subject of my dream tonight) I ended up skating over that little metal part at the top of the escalator and stumbled. You know my face was burning. I couldn’t even play that bad boy off. It was super ugly. Funny, but super ugly. I did like that windmill stumble too. I know he saw that...hell everyone else did! So the lioness had to sulk off to lick her wounds. But he was fine yall. **WAHHHH** You don't meet that sexy walking down the street everyday.

Came home and took a quick nap before my outing with CUTIE. Then before I left, I get a call from an ex-would be piece. He's mad because I don't call him anymore. I'm like you had your chance. You like to play games and I don't have time for the silliness. He wanted a sista to hawk and stalk him. Wanted me to call him all the time and sh*t. Do he not know who he is messing with? I call you once a day if that. I leave a voicemail and I leave it at that. Mad because leaving a voice mail takes up a minute + and sh*t. I’m on limited minutes here people! I don't hawk and stalk my own man (and he gets booty privileges) so why would I do it for another? So you know I had to bear the claws on this one. I brought up again that:

1. I have a man.

2. He was never going to be the side dish. Hell he wasn't an appetizer.

3. it’s been like 3 weeks since I've last talked to you. From what he told me, he has women waiting by the phone (arrogant bastard) so why are you sweating me.

4. Did I mention I have a man?

5. I don't "sweat" anyone. Hell I don't even like to sweat for real so why would I be hard pressed over you. You begged for my number! And I started to give you a "sent-off" number.

6. Calling is a two way street. I called you a couple of weeks ago and did not get a return call. Your lost not mine.

7. Besides ain't you like 30-something? I mean, damn at least I can still get away with playing childish games but you? Tsk Tsk. Grown ass man acting like a high schooler.

^^Of course I get the typical "F-U B*tch. You wasn't that cute anyways. Youse a phony ass who needs to grow up. I'm scared of being with a real grown man" script that I cut short with the dial tone. I ain't gonna be too many b*tches in the course of one phone call. I mean damn stretch them “b*tches” out please. He used up all his "B*tch in a phone call" minutes and sh*t. *sigh* I'm just going back to giving out fake ass numbers, better yet giving my friends' names as mine as well as their number. I need to memorize some. You know I don't know anyone's number but my own. Damn cell phone! Made me co-dependent on your ass and sh*t. Not like I got a Nextel where I have a SIM card with memory and sh*t. I lose or break my Verizon, it's holla back for some people. I'll hear from you when you call me.

At least I had a nice dinner. CUTIE told me I'm a natural comedian and story teller. I'm all modest like, "Nah, I'm just a dramatic person at times". I don't think I'm that funny. It's just when you grow up around dramatic people and you often walk into (or create) some type of adventure, you have a lot of stories. I could fill this blog up on random stories from yesteryear but I tend not to. Too many. I usually just tell the ones that stand out a lot or were very humorous. Those stories that when you meet someone new your friends are like, "Tell him/her the time you..." Plus I'm just silly. I find comedy in almost everything. Like the time my best friend and I tried to do a cabaret strip tease and um yeah fell off our impromptu "pole". Or the time we got lost going to SIU and freaked ourselves out convinced we saw Bigfoot. And we were sober. Or the many times I have been put out of establishments. Or funny family stories. Or how I trip and fall over everything. See, I can ramble on about an array of subjects. Maybe when I get a few more commenter **ahem** I can just have an "Ask me anything" posting. Don't be shy people. I don't bite (that much...). Leave a comment. Let me know how I’m doing. I know typing the word verification is a pain in the ass especially since they bunch some of the words together so it makes it damn near impossible to figure out the letters and then if you're like me you have to do it about two times to get some letters your ass recognize but hey it prevents spam. I already get "Penis Enlarger" emails (Funny I never get the “Breast Enlarger” ones), I don't really want "Sexxy Hot Coeds Who Cum for the Webcam" junk on here.

Quick Randomness: It is wrong on so many levels for R. Kelly to be singing the bridge to Ciara's "Next To You". So wrong.

Those new VW commercials scare the f*ck out of me. That does not convince me to buy a VW! Who ever thought of that idea "Let's have a random car accident that comes out of nowhere to show how safe our cars are!" should not have a job right now. I don't think, "WOW that VW sure did save our asses from that semi truck! This vehicle is so safe!", I'm thinking more, "LOOK AT MY F*CKING CAR!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS SH*T WILL COST TO FIX!! WTF! WHERE'S YOU INSURANCE CARD!" right before I square up to beat your ass for hitting my car. And don't let you not have insurance... It's not like VW created a dent proof, car accident proof car or anything...

Blogger have been acting an ass all day. I couldn't even log on to my favorite blogs all day :-(

I've noticed people are getting a little too sensitive on the blogs. Lighten up people, if I can bad mouth my relatives with ease, I sure can talk about a celeb's bogus weave as well. Hell, it keeps them grounded. Like I said, if I ever get famous, I know my "sources" will roast the sh*t out of me...And that's just the family. The friends would be selling old photos and allegations that I am addicted to "the white" (wine that is).

All in all a nice Monday for me.