I've Been Thinking Too Much I See...

Day One of my diet starts.

*sad wave to McDonald’s, Starbucks, and Krispy Kremes*

No sugar. No pop. Just water and juice.

*sigh* And I still have 1 ½ pack of Pepsi.

By the beginning of spring, I should be back in my Ralph Laurens.

You know this is going to kill me right? This “counting calories” stuff?

I’m going to need a LOT of sex to balance out the “Eat Every 3 Hours or I’ll Snap” thing I have going on.

In addition, sex burns calories right?

Well good sex, that is. Wack sex just burns you up period.

You know, there are some things that chirping on Nextel should not advertise.

Such as NO ONE wants to hear about your infrequent bowel movements while eating! Or how the itching has finally stopped.

There is crack in Girl Scout Cookies. Let me be the first to state that.

Why did I have to start my diet during GSC season? *sigh* No mint cookies for me this year. Although they turn your teeth and gums brown. Yeah try talking to someone cute after eating those cookies.

The car is officially out of the shop and the dent *which I am proud to say that I did not do* is fixed. The Camry is complete. Again.

AND I’ve improved on parallel parking. Sure it takes me about 10 minutes *sound low of course, you gotta turn the music down while parking* but I now can get into a spot with relative ease.

I find myself randomly quoting songs sometimes.

Someone can’t tell me something that starts a time without me saying: [time] in the morning/crack of dawning/now I yawning/wipe the col’ out my eye…

I get many weird looks at work in the morning.

I could be a therapist. I mean just sit and listen to someone’s problem AND I can charge?

That’s what I call a good hustle.

Is “Homeless Chic” what’s hot for the 07? I swear there is a homeless guy who works the Jefferson Davis Highway on 23rd street who stay rocking fresh New Balances and a fitted cap.

Dude shoes looking than mine out there peddling change. Fuckouutahere.

Not my hard earned duckets.

When you add that to a compliment, do people know that it turns into an insult?

“You’re not that fat…”
“Naw that bald spot isn’t that noticeable…”

“You’re not that bad in bed…”

I think I have fabulous hair. Just because it is relaxed does not mean I am trying to go for European look. There’s not a relaxer alive that could tame those kitchens at the back of the neck.

Besides why would I want to be white?

Clutching your bag as I enter the elevator is not a preventative method. That means I would just have to bust your head to get the purse.

Elderly white women amuse me. As if I really want your damn purse, woman I’m trying to get to the parking garage!

And ma’am trust I do not want Little Johnny. No need to clutch your child. If I wanted a badass child, I’ll stick within my own family.

Are young, Black girls the new big, menacing Black guy?

Or do I look just that threatening?

This week has gone by quickly. I’m shocked. It’s almost the weekend.

No definite plans as of right now. I still have to get to the movies to see Stomp the Yard.

Yahoo 360 is the devil. Random men like to hit me up flirting. Um yeah, I’m going to need you to holler back. I don’t do the cyber sex thing.

While I don’t mind giving out my discount, please don’t call me out the blue trying to have that fake conversation when you know all you want is the discount.

And if we are NOT cool, two fingers. If I KNOW you don’t know how to act when in public settings, two fingers. And don’t ask me for a suite for having a wild party. Definite two fingers.

Not on my discount buddy.

When you have bad teeth maybe it is not a good idea to smile all the time. I’m just saying.

Red lipstick doesn’t work for everyone.

I hate when I’m in line at the grocery store and the person in front of me steps out of line to get something and take FOREVER coming back.

Did you not know you needed seasoning salt BEFORE you hopped your ass in line?

Or how about the idiots who use self-checkout and have no idea how to use it? It’s self explanatory: SELF CHECK OUT! Why are you asking a damn attendant to swipe your items? That’s called regular check out!

Just because I live in the area does not mean I know where everything is located. Nor do I remember my name being Map Quest.

I have no idea why Metro does not stop directly at Tyson’s Corner. I mean last time I checked I was not a Metro architect. But how about here’s the number to Metro?

And a nickel. Call someone who cares.

When I am happy, I am extremely happy. When I am not, I am just a bitch.

It’s Income Tax time. I think I might get a nice amount this year. I’m thinking of filing on my own this year.

I’m still protesting Jackson Hewitt.

Just when it finally begins to feel like winter outside, I lose my gloves.

I hate wearing socks.

I’ve realized that I don’t watch a lot of TV shows. No 24, Grey’s Anatomy, Prison Break, American Idol for me.

Although I am glad that The Wire is on BET. Now I have a reason to watch the channel.

I am shocked by the amount of cursing that is on TV now. Since when did people get to say, “Shit”, “Damn”, “Bullshit”, “Nigga”, “Bitch”, “Asshole” on TV?

I mean “motherlover”, “bluck” or some other hilarious rendition of a curse word still exist but dammit no more “bull spit”?

No more laughing at the creative ways to say “motherfucker”?

Tuh where will I get my comedy from now?

Well…there are always the commercials.

“I’ll have the roast duck with the mango salsa” is my new slogan.