I Heart Alcoholics

You know since I’ve stopped “social drinking”…ok let’s be honest stopped being a drunk…I’ve gotten so much delight in messing with the drunk.

How come no one told me it was so much fun to fuck with drunken people?

Especially drunk white people?

Case in point: One of co-workers and I are really cool. We call ourselves the “Ebony and Ivory” of our department. We lightly flirt with each other and it’s a favorite past time of mine to make him blush, as white people blushing amuses me.

Told you…I amuse easily.

Now when we first met, we didn’t like each other. He thought I was a mean bitch and I thought he was an uptight asshole. We butted heads constantly and it was times we went all silent treatment on each other for a number of days, only communicating via email…even though our desk were right across from one another. Yeah we would email each other to ask for a stapler…which shows how petty we both were.

But over time the ice melted and we became friends. Hence “Ebony and Ivory”. Not to mention we joke about the bi-racial babies we will have when I divorce JBN after he leaves me for a white girl when he gets that 120K job.

*lol* My humor is sick and racist I know.

So we’re all out on a Happy Hour thing with some folks from work. As a white guy, you know he proceeded to get wasted. I mean I think beer is nasty as shit but apparently it’s an acquired taste. I mean he must have drunk close to 5 beers before the hour was up and was urging the bartender for me.

I mean I’m sipping my little watered down Coke, deflecting the taunts and teases of me being a “pussy” because I didn’t want to drink. But I’m not going to go over my calorie intake for some Captain Morgan’s, no matter how passionate Captain Morgan and I used to be.

But as he gets drunker, the conversation went to the perverted side.

Now you know I’m down for some good old dirty talk because I’m a pervert like that. So he’s telling me this super graphic story about some skank he picked up at the bar, *clearly AIDS is not an issue in the White community*, and banged her ass out before sending her ass home in a cab, *clearly $$ isn’t an issue either, her ass would’ve been on Metro fucking around with me. Hell lucky if I drove her to the station*, when he turns to me and asks me…

“Is it true Black women don’t suck dick?”

Now honestly, if he was some other guy I probably would’ve gotten mad and cursed him out but we’re cool. I consider him a good friend and he’s one of few white guys, hell people, that I don’t think is an undercover racist. I mean we joke around but “nigger”, “honkey” or any derogatory term has never entered our vocabulary.

Stereotypes on the other hand….

Now he’s weaving, looking at me all squinty eyes, and with a completely straight face. Ok as straight as a drunk could get.

…And it was on and popping from that point.

Now clearly I’m amused because I know HELLA black chicks that will suck a dick with the quickness. I mean have no problems with throwing their lips to the shit, no big deal.

I mean I like sucking dick myself, I don’t love it, but I like it. I’m not doing just any old Joe but I will suck a dick.
…Now my dick sucking skills may be questionable as I don’t have that “Look”, or so I’ve been told, but it is done.

…Killing part…he was like “I look like I don’t suck dick”. I was *dead* right then and there.

So we’re having a drunken/sober debate about sucking dick. Of course since I say “dick” or “penis” on a regular basis, most of our co workers ignored our conversation, just a regular conversation as far as they’re concerned, although the bartender is raising his eyebrow at this point, I mean it was loud and we were kind of shouting.

And then he just blows me with this statement:

“You know…I love eating pussy. And I KNOW I would eat the shit out of yours.”

Now…I LOVE performed oral sex. Someone just have to mention eating pussy and the Coochie Sense *kinda like Spidey Sense* just goes off. Got to cross my legs and shit.

But I’m laughing hard because he’s so drunk at this point, due to me cleverly plying him with drinks, I don’t even think he knows what he’s saying.

Getting mad *drunk style* because I’m laughing at him, I guess he thought I was blowing off his pussy eating skills, he gets REAL loud.

Now folks' heads are turning because they see this “angry” white guy yelling at a black chick. I guess they were being alert in case I came out the purse with my AK-47 because, you know, Black people packs heat all the time just like in the movies and rap videos.

And he would yell out super loud, as there was a dull silence due to a song ending, that he would eat the SHIT out my pussy right now and we can go get a room RIGHT NOW if I don’t believe him.

I swear I’ve never seen a place get quiet so damn fast. Even I had an open mouth.

I swear he turned so red from embarrassment I thought he was about to pass out. It didn’t help that I start laughing loud as hell.

Giving me the evil eye he just turned and went to the other side of the room.

Didn’t talk to me the whole night esp. since everyone *including me* was teasing him about it. And you know me…straight ignorant.

So of course the next day at work he pulled me aside and apologized for his behavior. And of course said he was NEVER drinking around me ever again in life. Talking about “I tricked him”.

Tuh as if I would…I mean I might have steered the conversation in that direction but tricked? I think not.

I can see why it was fun when my friends would tease and bother me while I was drunk so they can relive the conversation(s) to me at a later date.
…I can imagine some of the toasting speeches at the wedding and I shudder.

Being sober all the time might not be a bad thing after all.

*wicked smile*