A Weekend Of Events

Guys, I've actually spent a whole weekend kicking it! Can you believe it? Tenacious got her ass out the crib! No more rattling around the apartment like a marble in an old ass Folder's coffee can with the crazy cat. **claps self on back**

Now Friday started off with me being down in the dumps. A sista is tired of her job and I am, like, a word from snapping on my condescending, irritating, "closet homo" boss. He's a prick and at least he knows it but when you haven't gotten any booty for a over a week and your nerves are shot, the last thing you want to hear is his little slick ass remarks and digs. Now usually I ignore the bastard or I just shoot off a remark of my own (Hello I do hold a degree from an accredited four year university and I am a self confessed smart ass. Did you really think I would not catch that) to shut his ass up but he was really working my nerves. Finally, I just had to snap.

"Why don't you go back in your office and do some work for a change instead of whining about that gay haircut. I mean, really, do you think anyone but you care that they took an extra inch off? It still looks horrible! Gawd!!"

After shutting his ass down, he left me alone but I peeped him in the mirror fretting over his gay ass haircut. F*cking prick.

I leave work and decide to get the nails done. The lady was playing with my hands so good, I went to sleep on her ass. That didn't stop that little Korean lady. She worked magic on my hands even washing them for me while I dozed off. They're a smig too long for my taste but they look really nice.

I'm prepared for yet another Friday night in the crib already popping my popcorn and getting the couch situated for Friday's Night TV lineup when the cellie rings. It's my girl from work. She's hitting a Wizards game and she got an extra ticket and do I want to go? Even though sports are not really "my thing", it beats watching Hogan Knows Best. I get ready, of course rocking the finest of the Club Wear Collection because I know we're hitting the streets after the game. She swoops through and lo and behold, I'm a party to an unintentional double date.

I don't do double dates. They always end disastrous. Either I don't like the guy or the girl and it usually ends with an argument of some sort, some drinks thrown in someone's face, and someone getting left. My boyfriend doesn't even bring them up because he knows me answer: HELL F*CKING NAW! The last double we went to was with his frat brother and his girlfriend who I could not stand. The feelings were mutual of course so we spent the night exchanging "catty female" dialogue. Until she called me a "B*tch". And then I just had to throw my Shrimp Fettuccini Alfredo on her ass. Of course we were escorted out of Red Lobster’s and banned. I was so pissed. Pissed because the pasta dish was good until I tossed it on her. Maybe I should have thought about that one. But I mean you don't call me out like that. Hell I know I'm a B*tch but did you really need to announce it in front of strangers? So I think we're going to scrap when we get to the parking lot. I think Red Lobster’s did too because I saw the hostess on the phone. Can't have "niggers" out slapping each other down in the parking lot you know. I go to pull off the earrings and the stiletto boots while my boyfriend, to no avail, is trying to calm me down and drag me to the car. You know me. I'm all gutter and sh*t like, "That b*tch don't know me! I'm from the Chi! I f*cks b*tches up with the regular. Who she calling a b*tch?! Ima show her a b*tch!" all while calling her to come outside. Of course she wouldn't. His frat brother called my boyfriend on his cell and told him to take me home. Killing part this heff had about 4 inches and 40 lbs. over me. She coulda f*cked me up but she quivering like a baby in the lobby. That was the last double date we went on.

So I wasn't that thrilled to be part of an unintentional double date. Especially if I can't see the person beforehand. He was aiight but he isn't anything to gush about on my blog. He did have real nice teeth though. A little dull for my taste but he was cool. Until we got to the game. Now I'm trying to lightly doze off because I can care less about a Lebron James and the Wizards. I mean Urr-sha was in the house. MC Hammer was in then house (How could he afford floor seats? Shouldn't he be saving his bread?). But B-Ball is not "my thing". I asked one question in that “fake interested” way. Dude proceeded to give me the entire history of basketball. The origins of the material the basketballs are made with and sh*t. Like, "Did you know Moses played basketball" type sh*t. He was just the yapping (in between screaming his head off and sh*t) and yapping. Dude would not shut the hell up no matter how many times I hinted at it. I even offered to buy him one of those expensive ass hot dogs to shut his ass up. It was a no go. So not only am I nodding off, my side was getting bruised because of his constant elbowing. Startling me out of my nap and sh*t. I don't give a f*ck about that damn play! So you know Tenacious was about to snap. Do he not understand the consequences of f*cking with my nap?

The game took forever (at least to me that is with Gabby McGabb on my right shoulder) and I was ready to go. I'm a chatterbox myself but lawd even I know when to shut the hell up. I just kept shooting death glares at my girl (of course she was ignoring my ass on purpose. I know she felt the heat radiating from my eyes on her weave) but I knew I couldn't escape because for the most part she was my ride home. The game ends (Wizards lost) and we go down the street to Hooters which of course was packed but I love Hooters wings. I would work at Hooters if I didn't have to stuff the uniform top with tissue (plus flesh-colored stockings, the color Orange, and cheerleader sneakers complete with the thick ass socks don’t do it for me. Now had it been some Dukes and classic K-Swiss (no socks) with an anklet? I'm there *lol*) Finally once we got some real food, he began to shut the hell up. So my mind is whirling. Like the more I feed him, the less time he has to open his mouth. So I'm adding chicken to his plate on the sly to keep him occupied. But then he broke my number 78th rule: He touched me. He touched my shoulder with his greasy ass fingers. And had the nerve to tell me I was looking tense so he wanted to give me a massage.

EWWWWWWWWWWW

After I flicked his greasy fingers off me, I had to go to the washroom to look at the damage. Shoulders looking like I had a Vaseline bath and sh*t. I can see his fingerprints in the grease like this is CSI and I need a print or some sh*t. I can't go to the club smelling like chicken! Wearing Obsession by Chicken Grease. So you know my girl come slides in like one of the zombies from Thriller talking about "he didn't mean it", "he's so nice he just get nervous around girls" and he's "so sorry"

^^Like I care.

So I give her a break down of my "no double dating especially with someone whose mouth moves more than mine at an all you can get buffet" clause and now I'm just ready to go. I leave the bathroom with dude looking at me all nervous like I'm about to shut Hooters down but I accept his apology.

We go by Love yet again and have a good ass time. Dude talks too much but he can dance. And he left me alone after one dance. He danced off somewhere which gave him some cool points because I was expecting him to post up with me. Only had to invoke my "One Dance Minimum" twice. I refused a few numbers but I sure did accept a few drinks. Threw back some shots. Danced some more with some more people. Of course I left the club looking like outside and smelling like sweat...and chicken.

After work on Saturday, CUTIE took me to the Cheesecake Factory and we went to Platinum. He is not a dancer. At all. He did not step on the dance floor once. He posted at the bar with the rest of the lazy fellas and too pretty to kick it ladies while I cut a rug on the floor. What...You thought I was going to hang around the bar? I tried to drag his ass out on the floor but apparently the dance floor is Kryptonite for some guys. Nigga froze right at the edge and would not budge. After tugging on him to no avail, I gave up. Then I guess his ex was in the house and she wanted to give him the "Who Is This Bitch?" routine. But I was such a f*cking lady. I just took my drink from him and walked off. Blew a kiss at her just to be b*tchy. I let him handle his business. Sh*t he ain't my man. We ain't f*cking. Her and her little crew of buzzards played me close that night. I felt like a star because all eyes were on me. I felt like I had my own personal papparazi crew. I had this little one piece aqua gaucho 'fit on with a very low cut front and back that makes it looks as if I have boobies so you know I was doing it. You couldn't tell me I was a 34B that night. I was walking around like I was a full C-cup and sh*t. I just laughed their asses off. I mean, really, if you don't want him and you can't stand him then why do you care who he is with? He kept me laced lovely with drinks and because he did not dance, he pretty much left me to my own devices. It wasn’t like we were grinding on the dance floor. You probably would not have known we were together. I’d chill, drink my drink, hear my “song”, and skate back to the dance floor.

CUTIE thought it would be some drama but I told him I don't fight girls in the club. Plus if she was feeling froggy she should have leaped. I mean it was 4 versus 1. Buy…You just ain't gonna beat my ass. I woulda bit the sh*t outta someone. Someone would have left toothless or something. Ol’ girl and her crew kept a sizable distance from me and I kept a watchful eye on her. You never know with some females. As long as she did not personally disrespect me, then it was straight. He is not my man nor is he sliding in between these thighs so I have no ties to him like that. Tenacious doesn’t fight women over men anyway. Hell it’s not that serious. You can have him honey.

I had a good time at Platinum. I mean technically the weekend was fairly boring but it sure beat last weekend. Tomorrow is CUTIE'S burf-day. He wants to kick it tonight and well...I am off tomorrow. We'll see. We'll see