Adventures In Stripper Land...

**Due to the strip club’s policy I couldn’t take pictures, boo for them but I’ll give you the website’s address for you to get a clear idea. How fucked up is that? I can’t take pictures for fear they’ll end up on the internet, yet there’s naked pictures on their web page, how fucked up is that, damn that I’m hitting a Black strip club next time!**

Camelot


Wednesday night I had a very interesting evening.

I went to a strip club.

A “gentlemen’s club”.

That’s right. My anti-lesbian ass was in a strip club watching women take their clothes off for money.

And I took JBN along for the ride.

To make a long story short, on a dare a co-worker and I was dared to enter a woman’s strip club after we put the clubs on blast during lunch one day. And you know me I’m not one to back down from a challenge although I was a little wary. I mean I get hit on now when women think I am a lesbian but imagine if they saw me up in the club stuffing money in some woman’s garter?

But whatever. I was determined to head to a strip club plus I was curious as to the going ons in a white strip club as pertained to a black strip club.

You know black strip clubs are notoriously raunchy, you know strippers climbing the pole, pussy popping, doing splits and twists, lap dances that leave your lap a little bit sticky, “extras” in the back *depending on the club*, you can count on at least one stretch marked bullet ridden chick to be on stage, they charge you to get in AND a three drink minimum. And we won’t even get on the stripper’s name.

JBN was at home sitting there like a bump on a log so I invited him to the festivities. His eyes lit up and I saw the question behind it. Is this a trick? Am I going to flip out in the strip club because he’s eyeing naked chicks?

None of the above. I’m not stupid I know he has hit up strip clubs before.

And he had a damn good time. He tried to front like he wasn't because I was there but I know he had a good time. And the strippers liked him as well. Giving him little squeezes when he put money in their garter and he was the only who could get our waitress attention, well we were too drunk and obnoxious I guess for her *lol*

So off we head to…The Camelot. One of DC’s oldest strip clubs.

A lot of amusing shit happened so I’m just going to list the shit.

One thing I noticed right off back, we didn’t have to pay to get in and you didn’t have to buy a drink. This shit let me know this is not one thirsty ass club that’s worried about making its money back at the end of the night.

Another thing, after getting the shakedown at the entrance and me sweet talking a bouncer to allow the camera in the club rather than walk three blocks back to the car, was how PACKED it was. At 11 at night that bitch was standing room only.

Full of business men. On a Wednesday Night.

Initially I joked that I wanted to take a camera in to catch a senator or some one of importance in a comprising position with a stripper so I could blackmail the shit out of his ass. You know google his office number and shit and ask how much do you think CNN would pay for a picture of him and a woman’s titty that’s obviously not his wife’s in his mouth and shit with elections coming up…equals brand new Range Rover for me and the boyfriend. Not to mention a sizable stash.

I guess folks be on shit like that all the time so no flash photography. I was disappointed.

After finally getting a seat a few tables from the pole while some white girl basically just stood there and swayed off beat to the music, we got to drinking. And drinking. And drinking.

Basically we got fucked up.

And since we were drunk, we were the loud ignant ass drunk.

I mean I was waiting for Chocolate Thunda, Caramel Delite, Strawberry, Punkin, and Thickums to hit the stage and drop it like it’s hot.

What the fuck did I get?

Sheri, Brittany, Angel, Star, and Maria.

What. The. Fuck.

Those ain't stripper’s names! Those are some shit that’s on ya check but not on the fucking stripper roster! And yeah they had a roster! I wanted fucked up spelling and big asses!

I wanted “Tip Drill”, “Pussy Popping”, and “Disco Inferno” strippers! I wanted “Un Cut” video hoes!

So I was disappointed. Very disappointed. Not to see naked flesh but to see the shit I hear men discuss when they hit a Black strip club. You know the chicks that can pick up shit with their vagina muscles and spit it back to the audience. Chicks humping the pole like it’s going out to style.

But oh well I made the best of it.

The music killed me. Maybe I listen to more hip hop than I care to admit but virtually no “dance” songs were played. I mean it’s cool to strip to some of Prince’s songs…but ummm could you stay on rhythm? How the fuck are you dancing off beat to “Sexy M.F.”? I wanted to slap her off the stage and show her how to do it right, I mean you just will not sit up and disrespect one of my favorite Prince’s songs.

And then I thought about all the germs on that pole, I mean how well could they really wipe it down, and sat my drunken ass back down.

Dancing to country music and shit. I mean come on now. I mean it. Come on now. Serious?! Like are you bull shitting me?! You would never catch me swinging around the pole to some fucking Celine Dion!

And let’s not critique the pole skills. Granted the pole wasn’t the long and all of the women were topping out at least 5’8’’ without the stripper heels, but I mean was the pole just a prop? Only two girls climbed the pole. TWO! And not in the “Tip Drill” way. Kinda like when you were a kid and went to the pole and slide down the fireman’s pole.

The dancing? Typical white girl. Like I said off beat and no rhythm. I mean but they were acting as if they knew they were too fly. I mean they could’ve just got on stage, got naked and walked around the stage and generate more dollars than that mess they called dancing.

Ok I think I sound a little bit too lesbian right now *lol*

There were six black girls that I counted. Three were more the suburban “black” girl thing. I don’t wanna be harsh and flat out call them Oreos…but “Muffin” as a stripper name? I could’ve let it slide if it were spelled “Muffeen” but “Muffin”? Basically they were boobies and no booty.

*sigh*

Two were more “hoodish” looking but they were cocktail waitresses. Not dancers but they still looked a little fly.

We’re talking shots of “Red Headed Sluts” whatever they hell they were when one of the “hoodish” black girls walked by and I swear all four of our heads snapped in her direction. Bitch was tight! I won’t even front, she was thick as shit. Cornbread fed thick. Her little outfit did her no justice. We got a little happy thinking FINALLY! A BLACK GIRL! But we found out she wasn’t on the roster that night.

When I drink a lot I have to always pee so I'm stumbling once again to the bathroom when some guy stops me and ask have I ever considered dancing? You know I have a nice body for stripping and all that jazz. But um yeah, I’m like a second from pissing on myself could this wait a second before you try to pimp my ass?

I did say something smart but I think it flew over his head. Nigga I’m here to be entertained not to entertain!

Part of the dare was that we had to put money in a stripper’s garter and like I said it’s not like many of the strippers really did anything, I mean maybe for many of the white men that were there they were and course the guys went and gave money to every stripper, but for us *meaning our lady scruntinizing asses* we were mainly getting drunk and being loud asses.

I mean they would shake their breasts in a dude’s face and it cracked us up to look at the guy’s facial expressions. Some were stone faced like they weren’t impressed but you can tell they were they just weren't looking as thirsty as some of the men, but many had that “deer in a headlight” glazed over look, like wipe ya mouth dude you drooling look. Some were just hypnotized and had to be dragged off by the friends. Others had that creepy look like stare dude from Player’s Club that followed Diamond home had.

So we waited until one of the Black girls with potential hit the stage. Funny, only real “dance” songs we heard that night, I guess she put them in check before she hit the stage. The guys waited until she was fully nude before daring us to go up there.

I wasn’t trying to have some woman’s vagina all up in my face but shit I was drunk by then. We got a couple of whoops from the guys. It wasn’t a lot of women there that night so we were in the minority, meaning we were fully clothed. Early two girls got kicked out for sending it up with some guy and they got the boot.

So we’re standing there and she slinks over, smiling at us. She drops down, do a little gyrating, and then bitch reaches out and touch my face.

You know I wasn’t on that with her. Who knows where her fingers have been? And touching my face?!

Then she turns around, and claps her booty in our face. Like inches from my face. If I had a long nose I probably would’ve had a tip all up in her ass.

We toss the money down and haul ass away from the stage with some of the men laughing. I mean we were stunned. I didn’t expect her to do a “Tip Drill” butt clap in my face! Which led to a drunken discussion on how to make your booty clap. We asked our slow as shit waitress could she do it and she basically rolled her eyes and stomped off.

See for that, she fucked up on her tip.

We’re getting drunker and drunker. I’m not a beer drinker nor am I a straight shooter but I took quite a few shots that night. Luckily I wasn’t the driver *lol*. We down “Red Headed Sluts”, “Lemon Shots”, “Bacardi” shots, I had two Rum and Cokes, while JBN had the shots and a Henny and Red Bull. My co workers basically drunk beer like it was water and took the shots like it was Kool Aid.

You know you can’t fuck with White People when it comes to drinking. Shit I learned that lesson the hard way.

We watched several more dancers hit the stage and finally flagged the waitress down for the tab. It was nearing 2 am and folks had work or class in the morning.

Grand total for our tab: $183.

We came out our pocket quite a bit that night. Thank gawd for direct depositing putting my funds in @ 10 pm that night. We got looser with the money the drunker we got. Stumbled outside to discover it was raining, had to make a dash to the car. Went to the wrong car and spent ten minutes wondering why the door wouldn’t open. We got soaked. Um yeah I’ll have a cold shortly.

The next day at work folks were hitting us up for info but other than saying we went, we kept a closed lip. Other motherfuckers were invited and chose not to show. Your loss. Shit we had fun.

Next time we’re hitting a unisex strip club…A Black One at that. Damn that. We’re ready to demoralize some strippers and get some lap dances. Wet Wipes will be in the purse. You know the men like to grease themselves up and shit. I’d hate to beat some ass for one of them dripping some grease onto my $80 jeans. Ok well the jeans were on sale but shit they retail for $80.

And that was my induction into a white strip club. A very interesting night indeed.

And I didn’t get kicked out.