My Very Normal Holiday Home..Conclusion

Thursday was normal.

Once again too normal for my family. Last year I woke up to an argument over whether the ham or turkey should get cooked first. And cooking both at the same time was out because “I don’t want the ham smelling like the turkey and vice versa” *actual words*

Of course bringing up the point that it all goes to one place and out the other was futile and I was ordered to get my “no cooking” ass out the kitchen.

Yeah my household is known for dumb ass arguments.

This year I woke up to…nothing. In fact I woke up late as hell. When I woke up the only person home was my brother as his baby mother decided to take the kids over to her family’s house this year and they left late Wednesday night.

I was informed that my uncle had cooked all the food and to be ready by 2 pm. Ok…yeah it was after one when I rolled my ass out the bed, thanks for informing me.

No matter. We run on CP Time in my family. He came screeching up at 5 pm. His crazy ass wife in the car. His crazy ass wife who isn’t invited to family functions because my aunt and my mother threatened to beat her ass if she crosses the threshold.

And they are not playing. This woman has issues. In fact her name isn’t even spoken in the family. Either she’s “She Who Shall Not Be Named”, “That Bitch” or “Anthony’s Wife”. Never her real name which is Darlene, pronounced “Dah-Leen” *you know we country as hell in my family*

I think I told JULES about her nutty ass but let me do a quick recap on her:

She has two sons. One little water head kid and a teenager who I think personally is a deaf, mute because all he do is stare at you blinking. She revealed to my uncle that she doesn’t know who her youngest son’s father is because she slept with THREE men during that time period.

I thought I saw that heifer on Maury before…

But um in my personal opinion not a great sign in a relationship (for a man) if your s/o reveals that she let three random men squirt all up in her during a what one…two week period and she doesn’t know who her son’s father is nor do she care to find out.

Her family is all high and mighty and can’t stand my family. Even told my uncle on their wedding day that he was “dirt” and he’ll never earn acceptance in their family. No biggie to us because she was already called out on her wedding day for being a stank hoe anyway so the feeling is mutual. BUT these same motherfuckers who hate my uncle with a passion don’t have a problem with his cooking. He even cooked their Thanksgiving dinner BUT he wasn’t invited for dinner.

I told my uncle I would licked all over that food before I handed it over and put a booger or two in the candied yams for extra measure.

Yeah I’m spiteful, so what.

My uncle and his wife fight like cats and dogs because she’s a control freak. She calls him no less than 50 times a day, always to “check in” because she told him that our family is trying to “break them up” and introduce him to other women.

Which is true.

He can’t drive their car over 30 MPH and he can’t go anywhere without at least one of the kids.

I am not bullshitting you. If he goes to the grocery store, guaranteed one of those kids are in the car with him. Um like he can’t cheat with the kids in the car?!

Recently they went through a divorce process because they got into it at work and they both lost their jobs **She was a teacher, he was a security guard at the same school, that’s how they met** and she kicked him out the house. Took all his stuff out the closet, cut it up, put it in a box and deposited in on my mother’s doorsteps.

Another reason why her ass is grass ‘round these parts.

Threw all his electronics out on the lawn and poured bleach on the shit.

You think that’ll be the straw that broke the camel’s back but oh no they went to “counseling” and are now on the verge of getting remarried.

That must be what Platinum Pussy is. And I told my uncle such. I told him he needs to step away from the coochie because that’s some platinum shit right there. I mean tear up all your shit, padlock the crib, control every aspect of your life…And you enjoy it?!

And my uncle is not the "hen pecked" type. In fact we were shocked to find out he was in an actual committed relationship with ONE woman! And he has yet to cheat! My uncle and cheater just goes together quite nicely. I'm not used to him as an actual married man who honors his vows to this nutcase.

Both of them should be committed.

I’ll take some D- penis any day over some platinum dick. If platinum dick is anything like platinum pussy, I think I'll pass.

I joked with my grandmother that she put roots on my uncle because her people are into that hoodoo stuff and no telling what type of spell she have on my uncle. I just know I won't be eating her cooking anytime soon. No thank you.

But trust the family does not like this shit. Does not like it at all. They’ve been ready to open a can of whoop ass on her for a nice little minute but she doesn’t do more than drop him off and pick him up…but call every 10 minutes like she’s crazy.

I mean damn what part of “I’m eating” does she not get? She’ll call back 10 minutes later like “Are you still eating…?” And don’t let him not pick up the phone, oh she’ll phone stalk until he does pick up the phone and everyone could hear her yelling from the cell phone.

My uncle has handed his nuts to the Devil. One day he’ll get Satan behind him.

Until then…we’re stuck with Darlene.

This woman really is all types of crazy and I was a little eager to see if she would come inside to say “hello” to everyone but she’s crazy but she ain’t that crazy. I can see her little ass getting tossed all up in the front yard and shit.

Would not be a pretty sight.

So after she drove off **and of course called 10 minutes later asking did we get in the house…like she didn’t see us walk through the door from the car** I come in to…laughter.

Folks were sitting around watching football in one room, some Disney show in the other. No overturned card table because someone was accused of cheating or “not watching the board”. A calm game of Bid Whist going on. No loud arguments in the kitchen over who and the hell brought this because such and such was bringing that dish and no one likes when that person cooks that dish anyway…which usually leads to the square off with butter knives. No everyone working together to reheat some of the dishes. Kids all quiet, no ripping and running through the house until someone is yanked by the arm, shook, and told to go sit his or her monkey ass down before some ass whooping are handed out. You know my family hands those out like candy. No loud ass rap music blaring from the basement. No one tying up the phone line because someone would just die if they couldn’t cake on the phone with their boyfriend (or girlfriend). My grandmother relaxing, no breaking up arguments or getting her blood pressure up. Alcoholic aunt on her second beer of the night, which means she hasn’t began her drunken tirades like she usually do where you catches you watching by, and slurring her words, either tell you how much she loves or hates you over and over until she’s led away.

I had to go to the door and make sure I got dropped off at the right house. I was convinced this was not my screwy family.

And then the ball dropped.

My cousin and I are semi-speaking.

Now we’re not at the point where we’re buddy buddy but we managed to have quite a few civil words with one another. And dare I say it but even some laughter?! When we’re not fighting like two bitches on a side street, we’re actively ignoring one another, using only grunts and hand signals as forms of communication.

You know me, in a brain freeze, she was talking to me for quite a minute before I realized she was directing questions toward me. Friendly Territory questions at that. Questions that…an old friend might ask when catching up.
*shudder*

But we were laughing like old times. I won’t lie it did feel kinda good until my conscious smacked some sense in me and I hardened up again. That’s a long road to redemption and she’s not going to get my trust that easily.

But still it felt nice.

All of us played nice. No biting sarcasm, no finger pointing, no calling out folks.

Just a cozy ass holiday.

And I was sweating bullets. I kept peeking out the window because I was sure the end was near. This was the most normal holiday that I can remember.

If Christmas is like this, I’m seriously checking myself into a psych ward. My family can not be normal. It’s like, in our blood, to be crazy and irrational.

But there was a glimmer of my “old” family: My father and I had it out.

Now you know me, chronic “niggeritis” put me to sleep after stuffing my belly. Why did he call me fussing because I haven’t made my way over to my grandmother’s house and wanted to launch into a lecture? I simply told him that he didn’t make a way for me to get over there and he know where I’m at, he could easily get someone to pick me and since he did not sponsor me with “rental car” funds he can miss me with his mouth. I could have easily gotten a ride or asked can I borrow my grandmother’s jeep but I don’t like to drive and my family wasn’t that normal…the first thing that fell out of some of their mouths was “gas money” and I know that role. I don’t have a problem giving gas money but I’m not filling up someone’s tank! Miss me with that shit.

And he knows I trade off on holidays. I spent last Thanksgiving with his family and Christmas with mine. This year my mother’s family gets Thanksgiving and he gets Christmas.

JBN came by to do nothing more than freeload and get bombarded with questions because my family swears I “hide” him from them. No matter how many times I tell them he’s working two jobs AND going to school so he can’t get away as easily as I can, they swear up and down I’m hiding him. Trust I would’ve hidden him a long time ago but what’s the point, he knows as many of my family secrets as I do.

We went to see Déjà vu which was a great movie. But I’ll watch Denzel act his way out of a paper bag if need be.

Friday my mother finally came home and I thanked her for my Hello Kitty PJs which I love to death.

My mommy spoils me.

And after going to get something to eat we went on the riverboat for a night of gambling. I don’t really condone gambling because my mother has something of a gambling problem but after putting her on an allowance, we hit the slots.

And besides the overwhelming smell of cigarettes and the skeevy men that made it a point to stop me in my tracks when going to make change or use the bathroom, I had a good time. Ok I was carded three times but whatever. I wore my hair down! I looked at least 21 but oh no every time I moved away from my mother a security guard would make it a point to ask for my ID like I didn’t have to show ID to the security guard when I got on the boat.

Some man asked me to blow on his dice for luck but I misunderstood him and thought he asked me to blow on his dick for luck *how I screwed up “dice” and “dick” is beyond me, my mind must have been in the gutter* and I had to do a double take and ask him to “repeate por favor” because I was about to come out the coat.

I felt stupid when he did repeat it because I already had a retort bubbling on my tongue but I just tucked my lip in and walked off.

We had fun though, lost majority of our “allowance” but I had fun. My mother and I don’t get to hang out often when I’m town so every little bit of time helps and I cherish every moment.

Oh yeah my phone crashed three times in Chicago. I don’t know what it is about Chicago that my phone hates but it never works right when I go home. You’d figure with a (773) area code my phone would behave in its home city but no, stupid phone. A new phone is in order for Christmas.

Saturday I flew out of Chicago on South West *sigh*.

This flight wasn’t that bad though. No Chatty Cathy on the flight, no obnoxious children and I slept 95% of the flight. I still had my slight cold but I didn’t have Malaria when I arrived at IAD.

Then I fucking call work to get my schedule and why the fuck was I scheduled for that evening?!

You know I was pissed.

I was late that day. I had to get all the way from Dulles, unpack *oh you thought I wasn’t?*, and take another shower and then head back out the door.

Where I was literally bored to tears at work. We were less than 30% occupancy Saturday and Sunday and after 8 pm, no one came to the desk so I entertained myself with books, internet and magazines.

Sunday was TTL’s birthday but since he was in some weird little mood and wasn’t for going out to celebrate, after work I came home and crashed.

I’ve been in a weird funk since Monday. Just a perpetual state of depression. I’m better now but I’m not one who deals with death well. Another layer removed from the wall that I’ve put up.

I’ll get over it but it takes a while. Yes deep down I am a big cry baby. I think the people at work are going to start a collection to put me in a home because when I’m not sniffing because of my stopped up nose, I’m sniffing to avoid bursting out in tears which I have done quite a few times this week.

I’ve also been extra needy. If I’ve bombarded anyone with an obnoxious amount of texts, I’m sorry. It’ll pass.

*sigh*

But as this weekend approaches I am determined to get out and do something this weekend. I refuse to sit in the house this weekend watching the paint chip off the walls.

I’m going to put on my “Fuck ‘Em Girl” dress and heels and hit the streets.

For Trish :-)