Someone Help Me Understand....

Why do I bother to take phone calls during my break? Why?

As usual I’m stuck at work, I can offically kiss my Nip/Tuck season good bye. It’s official. Another season wasted due to work *sigh* TiVo is on my Christmas List this year.

So I’m at work, tolling away like a slave, it seems like today is one of those “If You Got Beef With Something, Please Step Over In LaToya’s Line” days.

For the last time there is a difference between a “request” and a “guarantee”! I hate when we run short on a specific bed type because I hear it all damn night. Look get these keys and please get out of my face. Yeah we could debate on it but what will it solve? Nothing. I mean my ass is big and all but I can’t pull a King size bed outta my ass, if we ain’t got it, we ain’t got it. Oh you’ll never stay here again, damn so sad, don’t let the revolving doors hit you on the way out.

I don’t have the patience. Mama Dukes called me again today asking could she have some money. Now I’ll do anything for my mother, I’ll give her my all but when she said it’s because my niece needs diapers, the record screeched to a stop.

Repeate por favor?

It’s bad enough my mother is taking care of my brother’s so called grown ass,, his baby mama, her daughter, my nephew who lives in Minnesota with his trifling ass mother, and my niece. I bite my lip way more than I should on the issue because I can talk until I’m blue in the face and nothing will change.

Every time I go home I tremble in anger at the sheer laziness of these Negros. Oh they hate to see me walk through the door because I stay bitching. I bitch from the beginning to the end of my visit, I know they’re glad when I walk through the door to leave. I just can’t stand the mooching!

Get a fucking job! What type of man are you if your mother has to buy your child diapers? Fucking diapers?

They drain my mother physically and financially so it’s nothing for her to call me every couple of months for some money until she gets paid. So like a good daughter, I had to run to find a Western Union *there’s not a lot here in DC or a Currency Exchange* so I can wire her some money.

My mother’s funny talking about send her $20. Umm with the fees that’s easily like $50 to send her the $20. I just send her $100.

But the shit pisses me off. I can’t blame that lazy shit of a brother all the time *well actually I can, stop fucking making babies you can’t take care of* but I blame my mother and you know I had to let Mama Dukes know a few things.

If your lazy excuse of a son and his girlfriend don’t want to lift a finger, kick their mooching asses to the curb! I love my baby brother to death but let’s face it; he’s a sorry ass motherfucker. I’ve told him *and her* time and time again to stop taking advantage of my mother. Shit she’s done raising us! So why is she raising your kids?

The shit just burns me up. I know he’s her youngest and all, but fuck that! Speaking like the jealous oldest that I am, had that been me…

Had that been fucking me…

Yeah aiight. He has it sweet. You mean no job, just lay around the house all day, running the streets? You mean baby moms can stay in the crib and act like yall married? You mean shit built in baby sitter? So what if our mother comes in from work tired as shit, I’m going to drop a fussy baby and a sassy toddler on her lap while I rip and run the streets AND throw a fit when I have to watch the kids I laid down to have?

I tell my mother to toss him out on his ass all the time. Fuck that, let him see the real world, shit you can keep the babies no need for them to suffer, but them grown mooching bastards? Give them the two fingers as the door slam on their asses.

I was too heated, so I’m giving my mother my two cents on the situation and who do I hear yakking in the background?

My cousin. The one who I rumbled with when I came home because the bitch knocked my engagement ring down the drain and we had to rumble like two bitches on a side street.

She lives upstairs from my mother and is always downstairs not minding her own business.

Ear hustling bitch has to put her two cents in of course, you defending my brother because that’s just how she is, you know oppose the opposite just because she thinks it makes her seem smart, so I tell her to shut the hell up.

*My mother and I are on speaker phone by this point so my mother could cook for these lazy bastards. Talking about them like they’re not in the house, that’s how my moms do, and I know my brother wants to say some shit but I’m daring him to. Bitch I’m across state lines buying diapers for your baby I dare you to twist them lips…shit wasting my lunch break for his ass. Because he know if he had called he know my answer would have been “Hell Fucking NO. Ger a fucking job!” Shit I don’t have any kids so why am I taking care of one? I love my niece and nephew to death but they are not my responsibility, especially when they have able bodied parents. But I feel bad at the same time because shit they are my babies.*

So you know we get into it right? I mean mind your fucking business this is between my mother and me!

So she goes on this tirade talking about I hate my brother, I always have something negative to say nothing positive *well when he does something positive I will say something* and I’m just a hater.

**cricket chirps**

Hater? What exactly am I hating on again?

So I start laughing. Bitch is you serious? Hating? Me?

Apparently I’m hating because my brother is my mother’s favorite thus it irks me that he gets away with bloody murder AND I’m hating because my brother has children and I don’t. Something must be wrong with “my insides” *insert her evil chuckle here* or I’ve just had hella abortions so my uterus is looking like dog food right now.

**YAWN**

Let’s come up with some better insults please. I don’t have children by choice. It’s called Birth Control! You know, there’s these little pills out, you know they’ve been out for a minute now, that supposedly prevents pregnancy and guess what…the shit actually works?! I know, get the fuck out of here!

I told her just because I don’t have a baby by every man who I cock my legs open to show how much I “love” them doesn’t make me anything but smart. Sorry if my titties ain’t dragging the floor and I don’t have more road maps going across my stomach than a map. I mean damn does having a baby prove you’re a real woman or grown or something? Get that warped ass “hood” mentality out of here. And trust if my insides were bad I could adopt bitch!

Yeah we were getting greasy on the phone, eventually my mother had to kick her out so we could finish talking. Yeah I’m in the line at Giant’s getting greasy on the phone. I was kinda embarrassed. Usually I don’t act sooo….ghetto in public. Well sometimes I do but usually not on the phone and not while in line buying something. I mean folks heard our conversation because she was on speakerphone as well, but whatever.

Fuck yall looking at?

My mother was too busy chuckling she told us we both need to take a chill pill because we’re acting too wild. Fuck that. We’ll see how big she’s talking at Thanksgiving. No wait, no fighting this time. I’m going to be the bigger person. Besides I cut up once at my grandmother’s, I’m not making that a regular family thing.

So I’m a little agitated at work right now.

On a cheerful note, whiny girl is moving back to North Carolina at the end of the week. Good riddance. You know I’m dancing for job. Folks talking about “A going away party”. I’m like shit I won’t be attending, lying bitch. Count me the fuck out.

Apparently DEE didn’t like his name, too plain and not descriptive at all. I wasn’t aware my alias were descriptive, I just give folks a name that my ass can remember *lol* so instead of DEE, which I thought was a strong Negro name, I’m naming you TTL. Don’t ask what it means because I’m not telling ya.

But do know it’s your exotic dancer name should you chose to give up your job and become an exotic dancer. I expect my 35% under the table please. Crisp bills only.

I also talked to T. Cas *finally lol* online Monday. For once he wasn’t hiding out, and of course you know I was. When will this man get the clue and just leave me alone. Is it really that serious? I mean should I get my “Platinum Puss” t-shirt ready, complete with the glitter and crown?

Damn the more you treat someone like shit, the more they come back. I mean damn do he like the abuse or something?

On a serious note, Trish ain’t doing well yall.

Not doing well at all.

I won’t lie I was crying last night when he told me *but don’t tell Trish yall know I have a reputation to keep* but ma girl is just not shaking that cold. The doctors are talking the worse. I talked to her online yesterday for a few, I’m happy to report she has not been molested by an over eager orderly, you know a guy who’s a little too eager to give my girl a sponge bath, but this shit is blowing me.

Life is short. Real fucking short. I try to live life to the fullest but shit I have to face the facts: someday it will be my turn. And I am terrified. I can’t even imagine what is going through her head right now.

I hate to see anyone suffer, especially someone like Trish, the sweetest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, going through what she’s going through. I can’t even express it in words.

I know she’s probably going to yell at me *I heart you honey all the same* but I welcome it. I try to keep an upbeat façade going on, we’re talking about everything BUT that, but shit it’s hard. I want to ask her a dozen questions, but I can’t. And I’m sure she doesn’t want to keep answering the same questions she probably get a dozen and a half times a day. I want to wake up and get the good news that all of the cancer is gone, a miracle, see her face on CNN or something, but right now…not going to happen.

Sometimes I wonder how God operates. Why do bad things happen to good people? Did he get the name wrong? Maybe there’s another person out there with her name, I’m sure he gets His children’s’ names mixed up, hey sometimes my mom calls me “hey what’s your face” and she only has two children! Maybe he meant for this to happen to another Trish somewhere out there in the world and He’ll realize his mistake before it’s too late.

I hate to be one of the people who don’t go to church and only call on God when I need something or want a favor. Because I do. Let’s not get on the time when my face is in the toilet, heart racing, room spinning and I’m praying to God that if He lets me make it through this I will never take another shot of alcohol in my life…Only to down more alcohol the following weekend. Let’s not get into that, ok? But please God…just give me this one little thing.

I’ve taken to reading the Bible more, it’s not collecting dust on my bookshelf anymore, and I call my Grandmother and ask her questions. I think she’s a little surprised but she translate verses to me, I ask her questions and although she doesn’t know all the answers, she tries to comfort me the best way she can. I understand God but at the same time I don’t understand Him. I guess I have questions that only He can answer. I sure don’t want to ask them face to face though.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m about to “do something”. I sure don’t need another faux intervention.

I don’t want to end on a somber note considering I’ve spend majority of this post griping about my punk ass cousin and I should bury the hatchet and let go of some of my grudges but I don’t think I’ve reached that point though. I can forgive but I can’t forget.

But pray for my girl. As a collective unit, we should be able to get though right?