I Really Need A Nap...

*sigh*

I am so…restless.

I’m also tired, but what else is new?

I can’t wait until next week when I go home for Thanksgiving. I can smell the arguments brewing from here. Ah yes, another Thanksgiving of drunken rants, arguments, revelations, and all that good stuff.

I am so glad that my cooking skills are legendary within the family so my lazy ass can sit back and watch TV while the ladies run around the kitchen cooking and arguing over who is going to cook what because you know everyone can’t cook certain dishes.

And are quick to let you know your limitations.

I already am itching to get at my brother’s shiftless ass. I am honestly tired of him and his shit. And his baby mama? Now she’s a sweet girl and all, I don’t have any beef with her besides her extremely fertile ass about to have another baby and her second child isn’t even walking yet, but Ima have to let her know the same rules apply to her.

It’s bad enough my poor niece or nephew will probably be born with seven fingers and toes or at worst fetal alcohol syndrome due to her logic that she since she was going to get an abortion anyway she might as well smoke and drink all she can during the first trimester because she at the time wasn’t going to keep the baby, but um yeah how long do you think you have for an abortion? Like you’re going to waddle into the clinic, like “I know I know I’m due in 2 weeks but I decided not to keep it” and the doctor will just tell you to strip and do the procedure.

I also promised myself that I won’t slap the taste out of my cousin’s mouth even though she deserves it. It’s amazing how we grew up so close only to grow apart as we got older. I mean we were tight as shit as shorties but as we grew up and got into different things we drifted apart.

Eventually I got tired of all the bull shit and cut her off on a friendship level. I told her if it’s something serious and/or family related we can talk but as far as chatting on a friendly level, holla back! It’s bad enough when a “friend” stabs you in the back but family? That shit hurts! I ignored it for as long as I could, not taking friends’ word about how foul she was, until I caught the heifer and she was cut off.

We’re both in our 20s. Born exactly a year and 5 days apart. Hell we had so many joint birthdays, we damn near didn’t know our real birthdates! At least I’ve grown up somewhat while she’s still stuck in high school mode.

But it’s all good. I plan on relaxing while I’m at home…and hiding out from SIGMA. T. CAS showed me how to block people and place my status as permanently offline the other day and so far no “offline” messages have been waiting for me. Of course this doesn’t stop the texts but at least I can stop “hiding” my status on Yahoo *lol*

Friday JBN and I got into it, kinda rare for us, and I threw some clothes on and went down the street to TTL’s place. That little fucker pissed me off!

Over some damn tacos! The whole point of the argument was don’t wait for me, get it yourself! One thing that I absolutely hate about him is that he would sit on his ass in the living room and wait until I go to the kitchen or another room and begin to beg for shit. Never mind the kitchen is like 5 steps from the living room, he’ll sit and wait and say some shit like, “I thought you’d never come out of the [insert room]…Can I have some…”

What the fuck was your lazy ass doing the whole time? Oh so you’re just going to wait until I make a move to ask for some shit?

Oh hell naw. So when he asked for a second helping of tacos using the bullshit “But baby I love the way you make them” like it’s some art to slapping some meat into a taco shell and adding the toppings, I said “hell fucking no” and it was on.

We must have argued close to an hour about the issue and in the end…he still didn’t get the fucking tacos. Old lazy bastard. That’s like me sitting on the couch and when you walk by asking you to hand me the remote control on the coffee table in front of me and get mad when you say “no”. So I’m just going to sit there watching a channel I don’t want to watch until you come in the room and personally hand me the remote so I can change channels?

Shit my name is not “Hazel” and I just because I’m mixed with Negro and Slave does not mean I am one!

So during the course of the argument I asked him was he just going to sit around waiting until I eventually came out the room and like an idiot he said “yes”.

*sigh* He irks my fucking nerves sometimes!

Then we had an argument over who was going to leave out the house first and shit since our tempers were both at the explosive level and I knew I would throw some shit at him in a heartbeat and he kinda had this look like “I wish you were a nigga so I could punch you” and I’m rocking the “If you feeling froggy then leap motherfucker leap because only one of us would leave out this door walking” look so we’re at the door opening and slamming the door. Like fucking idiots. Neighbors peeking out their doors and shit.

Fuck yall looking at?

As I walked down the hall I screamed at him not to wait up for me because my ass is going out and I’m never coming back. He was like “well I’ll lock you out”. Yeah aiight. Lock me out if you want to. I’d fuck around and burn the apartment building to the ground. Ain’t gonna be no doors when I get done with this building.

But whatever. I stayed out all night and came home, this punk was knocked out. We didn’t speak to one another in the morning but I know him and later on he started calling “wanting to talk” aka “be nosy”. He met the dial tone.

Yeah I’m childish and petty but shit I refuse to be the bigger person besides I wasn’t mad anymore; I just wanted to piss him off. But it’s all good by Saturday night we were wrestling on the floor like idiots. Our arguments never last long.

Today I broke my neck running out the door at work. We’re oversold so that means we have to “walk” people to other hotels which is never pretty. I’m glad I switched for a day shift. I refuse to work on nights like this because tempers are high and I might reach over the counter and slap the daylights out of some people. I mean I can’t blame them, I would be pissed in the same situation, but arguing about it is not going to produce a room. Overbooked is overbooked. Sorry. Usually we “walk” people to “better” hotels anyway especially since our cable has been out for the past day or so and we know how folks get when a TV does not have cable.

*sigh*

Since I played hooky from work on Sunday, yes my black ass did not go in and I did not call either shit I was tired, killing part I did not get in trouble. No write up, nothing. My immaculate attendance speaks for itself. That’s my trump card right there. I decided, since I was bored and they were on my mind, to call and talk to two of my younger cousins, one whom is about to have her second baby, a boy this time, in January. Let’s not get on the fact that her daughter will just turn one in January as well.

Yeah another person who just couldn’t wait that six weeks.

I talk gutter to them because, well, I know that’s the only way they will understand the situation they’re in. One is 17 and I just found out she’s already fucking, I did give her some type of credit at least she is just starting rather than all up in the midst of “doing the dew”, and the other,18, knocked up with baby number 2.

I swear it’s something in Lake Michigan’s water besides bacteria and dead bodies. Remind me to take not a sip of that water when I go home. Nigga might breathe on me and I get pregnant. Like “Fuck them Birth Control Pills” I got that Shaka Zulu breathe that be slicing and dicing the eggs in my fallopian tubes and shit. Might fuck around and have triplets by a nigga I don’t even know!

Babies come out with blue eyes and shit. That’ll be a hard one to explain in the delivery room. I think I'd be more stunned than anyone, like "Who is yall daddy?" Gotta sit and think who breathe on me during that two-three week window and shit. I’d be on Maury like, “I really don’t know who breathed on me that day. For real, see what had happened was...I work in a hotel…” then I can do the dramatic run and collapse as he announce that JBN is not the father *duh* of my blue-eyed babies. But of course you know I gotta dry the tears when he ease in that “So…do you have anyone else in mind that could be the fathers of your babies…”

*sniff sniff* Yeaaahhh

*lol*

Ok back to the subject at hand…

I watch these two girls grow up and to see them in the nonchalant state just works me in a frenzy. Yeah I wasn’t perfect as a teen. I did my share of sneaking out to be up under my no-good ex and then crazy ass JDUBB, I had sex at an early age, but geesh I wasn’t fucking stupid. Dick was not coming near this vagina without that plastic on it.

I asked this little heifer while she’s out fucking I hope she’s looking at her older sisters and will take note of their situation and I hope to Gawd she is using protection.

Dead ass silence on the second part.

Then she hits me with the oldest line in the fucking book:

“Well he said that the condoms be too tight and I mean besides…we pull out.”

I slapped my own fucking forehead. Is this heifer serious?!

Oh but she was. Serious ass tone and everything.

You know I cursed her out right? Silly ass. Damn that, did I not tell her not even a year ago the shit dudes will say to convince you to not make them wear a condom? I could’ve sworn I said it because I was there when I said it.

She’s lucky Family Guy was coming on otherwise I really would’ve gotten in that ass…but it’s cool. I’ll be home Tuesday night. She lives three blocks from us. Oh yes I will be making a house call.

I’m just trying to save my baby cousins from being a statistic. Ok well even more of a statistic than what they are already considered in society. I don’t want them to walk down that same path I see so many women on my block traveling down. It ain’t shit cute about walking down the street in some booty shorts pushing a baby stroller, talking about “I’m looking for a baller nigga!”

I refuse to see them go out like that. I’ll be that nagging ass older cousin who’s not “fun” anymore. Doesn’t bother me. You won’t see me strapped down with a baby though. I can go anywhere I please without looking for a baby sitter I know that much. My titties are still nice and firm sitting up lovely in the push up bra. My bra ain’t coming off and my tits are droppin’ down and gettin’ their eagle on. I don’t have road maps all up and around my stomach. I can still dress fly without having to worry about buying the baby clothes, diapers, and formula.

Better yet I know I wouldn’t have to chase my baby’s father down in the street for some type of support. I ain’t fighting his new girlfriend outside because I’m mad he dumped me for her.

Fuck that. I’m in the business of dropping babies off on the doorsteps and pulling off when the door opens. Oh I’ll be back…in a few days. See you wouldn’t come to me and bring me diapers so I brought the diapers and the baby to you.

But no flipping out when I go home. Just my usual straight gutter talk and “close the door on your way out...yeah I’ll be that but you can’t say that to my face *pause* Yeah I thought so…” while I eat smother pork chops and banana pudding.

I think I’m going to ask for anger management classes for Christmas. And no note taking this time.