You Can Add A New "Look" To The Books...

Yesterday, among other things, I found out that I have yet another “look” about me.

In addition to the infamous “I look like I don’t suck good dick” and the oh so charming “I look like I’m a cheater”, I now, in addition to these wonderful looks, “I Am a Fuck ‘Em and Leave “Em” type of gal.

Oh the joy, I can go home and tell my family over dinner how they have a raised a chick who does not suck good dick but will cheat on every man she deals with because I’m a fuck ‘em and leave ‘em gal.

Can you imagine the looks of joy on their face? While other parents are boasting of their child’s Master degree in business or an impending marriage, my mother could proudly say, “Well my daughter looks like she sucks bad dick…but she can do that cuz’ my baby girl fuck ‘em and leave ‘em.”

**clap clap**

You think they’ll put that in the church announcements?

Once again, what the fuck does that look, well, looks like? I mean how do you look like you suck a bad dick? In fact, what the hell does a cheater “look” like? Doesn’t everyone have that potential?

I mean it’s not like I’m exactly insulted, I mean I don’t want the “dick sucker” look, whatever the hell that is, I mean I don’t want to look like I’m a straight professional at it, like I studied it extensively in school. You know, sitting front row in Don’t Forget the Balls, They Need Love Too 201, writing a paper on Famous Dicks Suckers in American History and how they benefited and shit. Like what did Betsy Ross really do to get the so-called job of stitching the American Flag?

Umm no. Not. Me.

While other girls were trading blowjob secrets in the locker room, you know how to get a pair of Jordans out a dude with a good blowjob, I was actually studying.

Now that I think about it maybe that’s my fault.

I should’ve been taking notes.

I know they’ve moved on up. Shit my student loan could have been paid and all it would’ve taken was a little more slob on the knob. I could be pushing a Honda Civic right now.

*lol*

Yesterday I was trying *and failing* to take a nap because folks just kept calling. It’s been so long since I’ve taken my 3-5p nap, you know since I’m slaving on the night shift and all, that folks must have lost their damn minds.

It seems like everyone and his or her mama wanted to give me a ring yesterday. It’s bad enough I went to sleep during Top Model, shit I don’t think I got half way through the program, but don’t call with foolishness.

I think I hung up on two people because they called the house phone and asked was I at home?

*CLICK*

I don’t even know who the callers were but they got the dial tone.

My mother called, honestly, I don’t know what she said because I was nodding in and out of the conversation.

And then DRAMA decided to call. I mean I had been meaning to return her phone calls from a few weeks ago but hey I am notoriously bad at returning phone calls. Texts? Yes. Phone calls? No.

Actually, I have not been returning her phone calls because she has been bugging me to attend NBA All-Stars Weekend in Vegas this February. I’m all for a trip to Vegas but not to be a groupie.

I’m not interested in sports. Period. I have even less of an interest in the sport that is basketball. The last time I was really into basketball, BJ Armstrong was still playing for the Bulls. Yeah it has been that long. I barely know teams names/cities let alone majority of the players’ names so why in the hell would I want to be a groupie to men I don’t even know and can give a flying fuck about?

She doesn’t see the logic though. She just want to be a hot ass and I’m not trying to end up in some dude’s suite with my asshole blown out and covered in semen and Grey Goose.

So my decline has been ignored.

She called once again to push me to join her and some friends for the festivities. Again, not interested. A sport event does not interest me and I’d more likely gamble my life away than try to kick it with the stars. Not a bad idea to just go and have fun but I’m sure that entire weekend will be dedicated to the celebrities and besides, I’m not going to be Captain Save A Hoe all weekend.

So while I’m half listening and slowly losing consciousness trying to drift back into slumber land while she is giving me crazy ass reasons on why I should come along for the ride, like I can’t get fucked by some random man in DC, she hits me with the “fuck ‘em and leave ‘em” line.

According to her, that is how I developed my stalkers because I detach my vagina from body and apparently, I can just screw a man and not think too much into it. Since most men aren’t used to that, apparently that makes them sweat me more since they are used to their dick being dipped in gold by females. My disinterest in starting a relationship thus creates this intense urge to be around me. You know since it’s part of my “game” strategy and all. Yeah like I run game like this so I can have a man follow me to the mall on the bus.

Bitch be watching too much Oprah and Dr. Phil.

Perfect for All-Stars Weekend.

I mean I look like the type of chick that likes to have “no strings attached” sex. Apparently, this is a good look, as I will not try to trap some big head ass star with a baby. Um yeah, I guess she didn’t get the memo about pregnancy and me.

The stupidest shit I have ever heard in my life but it is not the first time I have heard that. I mean I’m not some cold-hearted person. I enjoy sex. I enjoy it a lot. However, I’m not stuck in some dream world. My vagina is not the “be all end all” nor do I expect to “trap” men by giving them a little bit of the goodness. I don’t think that every man I fuck should bow down to me because I gave him some pussy, although it would be nice *lol*. And I’m not the chick who uses my pussy to get shit.

Yeah I can fuck a nigga, put my shit on and leave like it’s nothing, I mean what the fuck, am I suppose to cuddle or something? And hey when I’m done with him, shit I’m done. I’m not in the business of sweating people. Especially sweating a man over a dick. It is not that serious. I don’t think I’m a “fuck ‘em and leave ‘em” but I do think if a male can be so nonchalant about sex, why can’t I? Men could fuck a dozen women and don’t get their “feelings” all into it. Why am I a “fuck ‘em and leave ‘em” because I don’t add my feelings all up in the mix?

But more fucked up, why do I even have this “look”? Once again, what “look” do these types of people have?

Damn with “looks” like these, how do I manage to keep a man? I mean seriously, how do I get a man?

Must be the smile.

Before I let her meet my two friends, DIAL and TONE, because quite frankly I was tired of her chattering and I was getting agitated because my slumber was disturbed, I had to let her know a few all of this plus a few other colorful terms.

DRAMA is always trying to be on groupie status and shit. Excuse me if we’re not on the same shit in life and I can separate my vagina from my brain.

And then she met my two friends.

You would think with as much sleep as I received the night before I would roll out the bed bright and early right? Please, I went to sleep at 3am and woke up just before noon. And I still was dragging my ass.

Then a nice little downpour upset my plans for a great day. No wait, the fucking idiot who splashed with me rainwater ruined my day.

Now it wasn’t raining hard when I got on the train at Crystal City so why the hell when I got off the train 10 minutes later at Rosslyn, it was Noah’s Ark outside? Luckily I did have my umbrella and I’m not stupid, the hair was wrapped up. One drop of water and I’m sporting an afro to work.

It was pouring out. Within seconds from the knees down, pants, Chucks and socks were soaked. Looked like I was swimming with my clothes on. Usually not a bad look but um yeah I wasn’t going for the wet t-shirt look together.

Although….birth control sure has made my breasts grow. I’m serious. They look much bigger than a month ago *lol* Let me find out I can fit into a 36B….it’ll be on and popping *lol*

So I’m waiting at the corner shivering under my big ass umbrella when this SUV comes out of nowhere and splashes the shit out of me. You know I was pissed. Got in my fucking face and everything, leaves sticking to my coat and shit.

I hope his or her wheels falls the fuck off.

Bastard.

I think people get some type of sick enjoyment splashing people, I mean why the fuck were he/she so close to the fucking curb and wasn’t making a turn? Probably was some racist white person.

So to the fucker who splashed me: FUCK YOU!

Let some of that nasty ass water had hit my hair. I would’ve chased that car down Terminator 2 style and fucked that person up at the next traffic light.
So as my socks and shoes dry, old school style, on the heater, I am left pondering about my “looks”.

But then when I sit and think about it, it could be worse.

I could look like LaToya Jackson.