Weekend In Detroit...

Is "ugly" the new "fighting word"?

Case in point Friday as I frantically packed for my trip to Detroit since yours truly is a last minute packer. I never know what to bring and usually I end up overpack since I like to pack for the weather and I have the bad habit of packing every single shoe, purse, and accessory that go with an outfit. As much as I try to limit what I pack, I always come home with at least half unworn plus what ever I tend to buy while there. I can't walk away from a good sale you know. It's kinda dumb in the summer since every where I go it’s hot as f*ck out but why am I packing three pairs of jeans like a cold snap is going to roll through or something? But it pays to be prepared. When I went to Vegas I was happy to have those jeans because it can get a little chilly at night.

So I’m on some weird type of party line as the "Crew" was all on the line and of course we're all out talking one another. I was being ribbed about going to the boyfriend's family reunion and how I’m one step closer to the alter and make sure I leave the street walker attire at home and please don’t flirt with the cousins because his second cousin twice removed does count and drink water because I’m a closet alkie. They also told me to get a good look at all the children because one of those hidden genes could pop out and I could end up with the "ugly" child at the reunions. Mess around and some sh*t from back in the day will pop up on the baby and scare the hell out of me in the delivery room. My damn daughter will get the Big Breasts and "Good" Hair that obviously skipped my ass. But they gave me a run down of the "Extended Family" rules and I should basically behave myself and play the role.

*BTW the “Crew” consists of TWIN, FH, G, me, and another one of our friends whom I don’t really talk about because he’s always M.I.A. but his new alias is FOOL because this Negro is a natural born one. He does not care what comes out of his mouth.**

So I’m deciding whether this sun dress was too slutty to pack *which it was so I scratched it from the list, can’t have the B’s spilling out the front of the sundress while I’m bending over to get a hot dog or something* when somehow we got we on the subject of...ugly people. Mainly due to FOOL's encounter at a club in Boston.

**Yeah when we get together we talk about dumb sh*t sometimes but our conversations are always funny as hell**

Technically G was excluded from the conversation mid0way as he have never and I mean never went out with someone ugly **then again maybe he did and he was real good on keeping it on the low** but he could relate on ugly people approaching him up in the club. And you know the ugly boyfriend/girlfriend I’m talking about. The one that you would deny to the death that you went to, that person is in that “He/She Don’t Count” drawer. The one that wasn’t allowed around the friends because you know you were going to be clowned. Talking about, “Um yeah baby the reason I don’t bring you around my friends is because, um, yeah, they gone try to holler at you. You know they trifling like that…I just want to keep you to myself for a little while...”

LOL…Or it that just me?

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again Ugly People are taking over.

Now I’m cute. It might be others **and f*ck yall hater lol** who disagree but dammit I’m cute. Notice I didn’t say “fine” because I know I’m not fine because you have to work too damn hard to be “fine”. Fine means you always have to be on your P’s and Q’s. Fine means if folks always have to see you dressed to the “T”. You have to stay with your hair laid to the side makeup flawless gear tight otherwise...

But when you’re cute you’re allowed to slide. You can go out without makeup and people won’t do a double take. You can shop with sweats on. Its just not that much work involved to be cute. It’s that natural beauty. Not to call people who are fine as “artificial” or anything. Of course you can be fine and low maintenance and cute and high maintenance but fellas I know yall have came across a female that fine as sh*t and you see her the next day running errands without the makeup and you’re like, “Got damn! Was that the same female from last night?! Girl go put your face on!”

Besides there’s certain standards to be considered fine as hell. When I’m dressed down I’m cute. When the hair is flawless, the outfit is right and the makeup is tight I’m cute plus 2. Although I’d like to add that I don’t wear a lot of makeup, I mainly wear eye shadow and lip gloss. My skin is clear enough that I don’t need to slap foundation on plus I can never find any that’s my shade although the Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse in Cocoa is really good and actually matches my skin tone. Is it really that hard to create shades for dark skin? I mean really stop with the generic dark-skinned colors! Everyone is not a biracial mix. Everyone is not toffee or that heavily creamed coffee shade they try to pass off as Number 3. Face looking chalky as hell and shit. But I don’t like foundation anyway, it tends to get everywhere and I never wash it off when I get home. Wake up pillows all brown and sh*t. Lol my bad went off on a tangent but anyway makeup might boost up the cuteness but I still get the “You cute as sh*t” line.

I’m just saying people know your limitations.

But an ugly person? Shit you can’t tell them sh*t. They know they fine as hell. Even folks like me who clown people who I deem as less attractive can’t faze them.

Until you call them on their uglyness.

Then those are “fighting words”.

Nothing will have an ugly person in your face ready to brawl than the infamous words sprouted by my crew:

B*tch/Nigga **which ever it applies to**...Youse ugly as sh*t!

Instantly the sloping forehead creases, the eyebrows are drawn together, lips curl, and fists are balled up.

”Who you calling ugly? Ima show you how ugly I am...”

And you’re drawn into a battle of Beauty versus The Beast.

Nothing will incite an ugly person more than being called out. Call them a b*tch. Say their mama is turking something for some change. Call them homosexual and imply that they do nasty sexual things with the same sex. Nothing. You’d get a yawn and a middle finger. But call them ugly? Oh hell to the naw. It’s a wrap.

Of course FOOL had brought this to our attention through an encounter at the club. Bold as they are, an ugly girl approached him the club. He said she looked like someone beat her with the ugly stick three times, left and came back hit her with the stick once more for being that damn ugly. FOOL claimed he tried to be polite and brush her off but no this chick was persistent as hell. She was just going to bo-guard the number out of him. So she asked how come he was being difficult, it’s not like he’s ”fine or anything”. Oh no she’s didn’t. So FOOL had to utter the infamous words. And it was on and popping. She threw her drink on his ass and he was going to pop her ass since “she looked like a damn man…an ugly man…at that” **his words** but he was ejected from the club.

See what I mean, "ugly" is a fighting word.

So we had an interesting discussion on ugly people. Would you go out with a person who is ugly as hell but dresses nice and keep themselves up? Like in that way where a person is ugly but something about them is cute, I guess? That “but…” factor or “Juvenile” factor as I like to call it. I mean even that comes with limitations because without it, then they go back to “ugly” status.

And what is it about the word “ugly” that have people putting the dukes up?

We must have clowned on the phone for close to two hours about this subject. Of course I had long abandoned packing by then because I was too busy laughing my ass off. My friends are crazy like that.

Now G was silent for a minute as he couldn’t relate to the “Ugly” significant other thing. His boyfriends have never been ugly. At all. Once again, I tried to bring them back from the dark side to no avail. They are content being cute and gay. We were joking like, “Where the hell did you find them and could they bring some heterosexual men for us ladies the next time they come back from where they’re from?” but alas he is one of the lucky ones. To my “ugly” boyfriend’s defense **I only had one** he had a really nice personality. He was a real sweetheart. Of course my friends didn’t know about him until we ran into them at the show **Late ass show what the f*ck was they doing out at that time anyway?** and while they were super “polite” *Hell I know the fake cheesing well…I invented the sh*t** they clowned my ass the minute I got home. Clowned me so hard. BUT he dressed raw as sh*t. They may have roasted on his face but they could not deny the gear. In fact he wasn’t really ugly, he just needed to wear a fitted cap at all times. He just didn’t have the head shape to be wandering around without a hat. I called it the “Juvenile” effect. I thought Juvenile was kind of cute…Until I saw him without a hat. Then he looked crack head-ish. And I won’t even mention the circa 1992 box haircut with the little line on the side. But with a hat, he got a 6.5, without it -2. So even since then, the “but” factor for me has been dubbed the “Juvenile” effect.

But everyone has had that “Ugly Person Approaches You In The Club” moment so we dwelled on that. Actually I’m nice in the club until you get too touchy feelie. I don’t mind dancing with someone who is not cute just as long as he keeps his hands to himself. I know some women who won’t dance with a man if he is not attractive but nine times out of ten the cute ones are either suffering from the “Dance Floor Kryptonite” or is “Too Pretty or Thuggish” to dance. They rather post up on the wall, styling and profiling than dance. And the “Thuggish” ones tend to think slamming your ass against their big dumb ass belt buckle is sexy or constitutes as dancing. Be having brands on your ass from niggas who thinks committing damn near sexual assault is “dancing”. So it’s usually the other guys who tend to dance. Of course these are the types who become the “Club Boyfriend” as well. And we all know how I feel about those types. Don’t make me enforce the “Club Rules” on your ass.

Of course G is blunt with the ladies, TWIN is “Eww nigga you smell like French Fries!” nasty, and FH and I are more like, “We can dance…Just as long as you don’t step into the light” folks. FOOL, well he’s the “Too Pretty” type. He comes to be seen and not to dance. Ol’ lazy ass can’t dance anyway. Of course we create a situation when we have to exclaim the “fighting words” to a person who just does not “get it”. Real persistent, obnoxious, just being forceful as well. Like we should be honored or something. Yeah right. Nigga I can’t take you home…In the day time. Maybe after midnight and you have to be gone before dawn. You’re the “Vampire Creep”.

Before we got too deep in the subject, I got off the phone. I still needed to pack and I still needed to catch some shut eye. Made it to the airport, flight was smooth to Detroit. No angry flight attendants, I didn’t have to bust a forehead open this time. We lounged around the hotel for a little bit and then hit the festivities.

And I was on my best behavior. I wore a demure little outfit. I think I was a hit, I’m glad I read up on my current events. And the food was not catered this year?! A family member cooked all the food. I wasn’t feeling the baked beans **too sweet** but the food was good. I didn’t eat the potato salad. I hate potato salad and the few times I have shoveled that mess down my throat **Who the hell decided potatoes and mayo mixed together was a good dish?** it was my grandmother’s. You know you can’t be eating just anyone’s food. You be peeling back the aluminum foil like, “Who cooked this?” and either put it back **I don’t f*ck with [insert non cooking family’s member name] cooking** or you pile your plate up before everyone gets to that portion of the table.

I think someone got insulted by that but oh well. I don’t put on my plate what I don’t plan on eating. My mother taught my brother and me to not waste food. We’re like “Mommie Dearest” in that bad boy **That movie is the sh*t, you can’t tell me nothing about Mommie Dearest**, she made us sit at the table until we finished it. She’ll just keep warming it up until we finished our plate. Oh you didn’t finish that? Oh it’s cool, you can have it for breakfast. I would just slip the sh*t in my pocket and flush it down the toilet later. Or feed it to the cat. I thought my mother was the only one **aside from the uncooked meat, that sh*t was nasty as f*ck, you know I like my sh*t burnt** who did that until I saw that movie.

Saturday was the picnic and although it was hot as hell, I had a nice time. The kids love me. One little girl became my favorite after she told me I was “so pretty” and I looked like a “Barbie Doll”. She stayed glue to my side so much people thought she was mine. Hey I’m a sucker for compliments. My boyfriend’s nephews are the cutest little boys in the world. They are so smart and just good kids **You know I’m not used to good kids, all the little bad rug rats I have in my family**. They don’t make them like they used to. These kids were respectful of adults, well-behaved, spoke real English not that kiddie babble that just have you nodding your head like “Un huh sweetie”, and had manners.

**gasp**

I was thrown off for a second. I didn’t have to say, “Because I said so” after every sentence? No screaming, “Get yall bad asses away from the street”! No quick spankings in the bathroom? Ok well my nephew technically is not bad, he’s just hyper. That boy is a bundle of energy. Sometimes I just want to dope him up with some ‘Tussin or something.

So we have some more pictures to add to our “Wall of Kids”.

And why did his cousin’s date try to hit on me? He was cute though…But no Tenacious left his ass alone. We were watching our significant others’ play volley ball. I was kicked off the court due to my lack of athletic abilities. Oh and I ducked every time the ball came my way. They were joking that my ass was like Daria from the MTV show, Daria. Tell me why that show was my sh*t and I was so mad that MTV canceled it. I watch it on the N Network or whatever that sh*t is called. The network that plays DeGrassi or whatever that show is called. My nickname in High School was actually Daria. Only I wasn’t white, no black glasses **contacts at 15**, or depressed. But they were like I was Daria in that the ball would fly by me **when I wasn’t ducking, sh*t I was too pretty to fall in the damn sand!** and I would just stick one arm out *lol*. Hey I wasn’t trying to break a nail either!

So I was booted from the game. So I was on the sidelines with him. He had really nice green eyes. Of course I asked were they real. Nice even white teeth. He was light skinned but I could work around that *lol* We made small talk until we bonded over our love for House, Nip/Tuck, Monk, and L&O *all three BUT SVU is the best* and wasn’t it funny **now that I have gotten back to watching re-runs of OZ on HBO, hell I might as well take advantage of it while it’s free** how most of the criminals on OZ ended up playing cops on the L&O shows? He was really into me even though he kept touching my hair which of course is a BIG NO NO. Do not touch my damn hair! Had to swat his hand a few times. Who knows where that hand has been? But he did go get me another plate of food, some fruit salad, cake and something to drink. LOL, hell I was hungry again sitting out in the damn sun. And he kept telling me how "cute" I was.

Alas I left him alone. No flirting at the family reunion, especially with one of the cousin’s dates.

I was nosy though. It’s not like they went together or anything…He was just a “date”. But then again you just don’t bring a “date” to meet your damn family at the family reunion, at least not I *said the Cat*. But he hasn’t received “confirmation” of their status. He would like to be her man but she hasn’t asked him yet. He broke down the situation to me and I just gave him my personal feedback while trying not to stare at his damn mouth. Did I mention he had nice ass lips?

Hey I told you I was nosy as hell. Besides I had to know the “status” to file away in my “To Be Used Later” drawer.

After the picnic, we went to the mall where I had to force myself to not buy some shoes. Hung out at his brother’s house for a little while **He lives in Detriot** and we went back to the room. Woke up late and had to rush to make our flight on time.

Of course we were late pushing out and once we got in the air, the kids on the airplane **and it was hella kids on the f*cking flight** decided to show their natural white asses on the plane. Just screaming, yelling, throwing sh*t, temper tantrums, hitting folks…just being bad ass demon children. Had to snap at a lady because I told her if her son kicked the back of my seat one mo’ ‘gin it was going to be a case of Child Abuse up on the plane. Talking about she’s raising her children to be “independent” and she doesn’t use “discipline” as a way to “control” them.

I was going to assert my independence and whoop some ass up in the plane.

Had the nerve to tell me if I had children then I would sympathize with her. Shocking for her to say since most white women assume my black ass have several little nappy head crumb snatchers anyway. Of course this brought on a discussion on the plane because a few women overheard her and sliced her ass up. AND only one woman who spoke up was Black. You know Black mamas will beat the brakes off a kid. They gave their kids the “I wish your ass would clown on this damn plane” LOOK when the white children started acting up.

I told her I sympathized with the belt. You see your child doing this yet you’re doing nothing but I’d be wrong if I reached back and smacked the sh*t out the little brat. You can teach your child to be independent *what ever the hell that means* but also train your children to be well-behaved in public because everyone is not going to put up with them. Especially not me since your brat is interrupting my damn sleep time!

That little boy looked at me. I looked at him. He sat the f*ck back and didn’t say sh*t the whole flight. Tenacious don’t play that. I am a proud member of the “I Beats Asses” Club. If I can’t spank them, they can’t come over. Damn a “time out”. Kids nowadays need a “Knock You The F*ck Out”. Little grown ass kids.

I wish I could say the same about the little girl who shrieked for the last 20 minutes of the flight. I wanted to open the escape doors and toss her and her parents out of it.

I was so damn glad to get off the plane. I damn near knocked folks over to get the f*ck off. Came back to the comforts of my own house and just relaxed. Caught up on some blog reading and cleaned up. Attack cat has taken to spreading his litter all over the floor.

What did everyone do this weekend?

**I just looked, wow this is my 99th post!**