A Well Spent Weekend...

I am happy to report Frenchie Boy did not make an appearance this morning.

Praise the Lawd.

Now he knows Black folks do not play. Damn what ya heard.

My energy level has been peaking, so you know what that meant. Usually I am the calm, cool, collected one, stress rolls off my back, but I guess things have been getting to me more than I cared to admit. I am still dealing with it one-step at a time but things have been getting better.

My girl FH ended up with that back being blown out. You know the b*tch called me in the bathroom with all the Rated “X’ details.
This nigga not only put up, he shut her the f*ck up. Worked her ass like a part-time job.

He can’t be breaking the stereotype like that though. Sh*t blew her and me. I mean 9 times out a 10, a nigga who runs his mouth about how “good” he is, how big his d*ck it, what he’s going to do you when yall alone usually ends up a waste of coochie juice and hard nipples. Sometimes one come along who does blow your back out but that’s rare *at least in my case*.

She said although the penis was average *about 7 inches* he worked that sh*t like a porn star. Major STICKY THIGH. Had her sleeping with the pillow in between her legs and everything. In addition, the mouth was fantastic. Hell I started to ask her to bottle that sh*t up and send it Fed-Ex overnight.

Due to all the sordid details, I had to step my game up that night. I wasn’t

Nsaneleesane

but I think I did the damn thing that night. Shut his ass up for a little while. Huh, call my sex game “weak”. Tuh, acting as if he didn’t know what the deal was. Rode his ass to sleep just for “disrespecting” Ms. Kitty.

I mean damn a sista fall asleep just once during sex and I can’t live that down. To my defense, I was tired. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. It was hilarious as hell though.

Saturday the boyfriend and I ended up hitting up a comedy club out in Laurel, Md. Tell me why our bartender looked like a crack head version of TuPac? Tell me why we spent more time laughing at that than the actual comedians. Two were funny as hell and one was just ok. He was on the “Bad Boys of Comedy” Tour, I had never heard of him *nor the “Bad Boys of Comedy” tour, give me “Kings of Comedy” any day* but apparently everyone else had. He was not very funny. The food and drinks though were off the chain.

I wanted to go to the clubs afterwards but since it was Allen Iverson’s weekend or whatever the hell it’s called, all the clubs were taxing out the ass. I wasn’t paying damn $30 to see Jeezy ass. Have you lost it? Maybe A.I since I have had a crush on him since I was, like, 14 but Jeezy? I don’t even like his c.d.
And females were out in “full groupie” attire. I don’t think I’ve seen that many breasts and booty hanging out ever! I was like, “Damn why waste that Band-Aid you call a shirt, just gone ‘head and expose them”. We opted not to go to the club and we just strolled around DC *the good parts* like a tourist.

None of that hand holding here T. We don’t do that.

I bummed away my Sunday as usual, doing nothing but cleaning and talking on the phone. I finally got around to calling some folks back who has been calling me for the past week or so. As usual half of them did not want anything.

Good old DRAMA finally stopped messing with the scumbag loser of hers. Not to worry, she is messing with some cat that goes to Northern Illinois. I bet he has a girlfriend. That girl is the most drama-starting female I know. In addition, not to mention b*tch needs an Oscar sometimes because she sure do be fronting.

*sigh* But it is only so much you can tell that girl before you are like f*ck it. I play her like Butter plays Toast sometimes because I know she be on grimy sh*t.

DH is back on that Okie Doke again. I had to break out the violin and hum “Cry Me A River” because she was once again going on and on about her situation with her husband. See how some women are? Have a good ass man and is willing to throw it away for some hard d*ck and some white fluid. They’re still in counseling but she now wants “space” because he is “suffocating” her by being too caring and attentive to her needs. I know she’s committing adultery. I asked her flat out who is she f*cking but she tried to play like she didn’t hear a word that I was saying. Little liar. I told her to keep my name out her mouth when she’s talking to her husband. Nigga is not about to put roots on me and have all my damn teeth and hair fall out.

TWIN is about to go on a Tour of the Dominican Republic. She’s in the Navy and her lazy ass doesn’t do anything. They do, however, go to nice ass places for a couple of months. No fighting or anything unlike FH who is going over to Iraq for a year in September. I told FH she better shoot herself in the foot or something. Get knocked up or something. Hell get a female to go in on a baby scam or something. I told her to bring a Spanish Papi for me because men from the D.R. is fine as f*ck. Makes me want to brush up on my Spanish.

LIGHT BRIGHT found out that I knew he has leukemia *Our mothers have some big ass mouths* and he’s all weird about it. He’s had it since he was a teenager **funny I never noticed as a child but who does** and while he’s healthy now, he was like folks act all iffy and weird when they find out. Like he is contagious or something. A girl even broke up with him because he disclosed the information. I was just like, “Wow are people really that ignorant?” I don’t care, I was just surprised to find out. I thought all chemo patients look all cracked out and weird looking but he looks good. He called because he wanted to ask me should he still mess around with a girl who just wants him for his cash. I was like “Did you really have to ask that question?” He likes her, he takes her out, but she’s not giving up the goodies. I was like, “Well if you keep tricking off your dough, you’re not getting the return you want, yet you’re still tricking it off, umm yeah she’s taking your ass to the cleaners.”

He got kinda iffy and got off the phone. Hell if you didn’t want to hear my personal opinion, then why did you ask? He called me back 10 minutes later. Of course I was right.

My gay pal G **Not to be confused the blogger G** called me. He’s in Philly, the “City of Brotherly Love” and he’s in heaven of course. That man loves men more than I do. It doesn’t help that he’s a hoe as well. It also doesn’t help that all of his boyfriends are fine as f*ck but loves Dick more than Jane. Just pisses me off, why the f*ck do the fine ones have to like the sausage? I be trying to brush the B-cups on them **meaning I have to get really really damn close to do that** to try to convert them back to the p*ssy with no success. However, they will ask me where I got my panties from because they are sooo cute. I had to cut him off before he went into some details that I did not want to hear. It’s bad enough as joke he sends me forwards of porn that comes blasting out of the speakers, usually embarrassing the sh*t out of me, having folks think I am a pervert. Not to mention the time when I walked in on him in the bathroom being, um, serviced by another dude. I had to douse my eyes in bleach to get that damn image out my head. I mean damn close and lock the door. But was I a pervert for being intrigued, I mean his sh*t was all down that dude’s throat. Ok eww. I will not take it there. But I love G. He was the first ghetto ass gay dude I knew. Not a damn feminine bone in his damn body. No limp wrist, no sashay, no high screeching voice with the lisp, nothing. I refused to believe he loved penis until, um, well yeah that incident. I was convinced the nigga was playing. Of course he’s coined a “homo thug” now **what an oxymoron by the way** but in high school, I thought he was lying until of course I caught him with his pants down. Literally. It is always amusing to hear him talk about guys as if they were females because he’s so hood and he be talking about banging dudes backs out like they are female.

*sigh*

Maybe one day he will come back from the dark side. That also goes to show they are out there ladies. Don’t always look for the sashay *although my ass is always checking for the sashay*. But G is secure in his sexuality and doesn’t even front. He is known for telling some female, “Ay yo, I ain’t feeling you like that. But ya mans? Tell him I said what up.”

*DEAD*

Jaws drop like a muthaf*cker. I told him as long as he’s not checking for my man, he’s all good. Even though that will say something if he take my man from me. Of course, my boyfriend hates him. They were cool until my boyfriend found out he loves penis.

I feel bad about neglecting G sometimes but I don’t want to hear about your sexual conquests. It’s only so much I can take before even I have my limitations. I don’t want to hear about all of that. But he’s always hilarious to talk to.

I talked to my godson’s mother. Damn I am such a bad godmother. The last time I saw him he was about to turn one. Now he’ll be two in August. He’s bad as hell but so damn cute. I have his Christmas picture saved as a screen saver. I felt somewhat bad because when I went home, I did not stop by her house to see her or him. But I do buy him hell of sh*t. I spoil the children in my life. He has little baby Timbs, good Rocawear ‘fits, the whole nine yards. The sh*t is an obnoxious waste of money of course, I grew up wearing Goldblatts and Ventures ‘fits as a toddler, maybe an Osh Kosh or two, but little kids nowadays dresses better than I do. I told her once his ass turns 5, all that sh*t is going to stop. That’s when the prices rival adults.

The next time I go home, I’m going to baby-sit her son, my niece, nephew, and my baby cousin. Yeah you know they will be in bed by three *lol* Hell when I go to sleep, yall go to sleep. Or watch yourselves. That’s the other option. I’m going to recruit a baby sitter. That would all I need, see someone from high school I couldn’t stand and he or she see me walking with four child all under the age of five. Not the class valedictorian. Boy tongues will wag all while I’m trying to explain that these ain’t my kids!

I sat up, watched Dave Chappelle but I was so busy running my mouth, I didn’t even pay attention to the episode and sat up, and waited until it came back on at like 1 am. That sh*t was funny as hell even though that was the skit that caused Dave to quit the show. He will live on through the DVDs that I swiped from G. Of course when he asked for them, I played dumb. Hey you have 2 weeks to ask for your things back or they become my property.

Oh yeah someone has taken to playing music on my voicemail. Sometimes my phone acts bootleg *blame me dropping it twice already* and I can’t get a signal so all my calls go to voicemail. I check my voicemail about once a week because usually folks don’t leave them, they rely on the “missed call” log *like I do*. Verizon is also kinda bootleg in that it doesn’t recite the phone number like Sprint.

Friday, it was GONE by NSync which is my muthaf*cking song! I love that damn song. Hey don’t front like yall wasn’t feeling the video and sh*t.
Sunday it was ALL HER LOVE by Donnell Jones. Boy you can’t me shit about that c.d. That is one of my favorite c.ds actually.
So it’s someone who knows all my cuts obviously but of course it could be just one of the crazy exes. Kinda weird but sh*t I was jamming down to my voicemail. Had to get back on the illegal download kick and I have those songs on the Shuffle.

Oh well.

As long as they ain’t burning up my daytime minutes.