Why Ask Why....

The past few days have been a day of “whys”.

Some good and some bad. I'm trying to be more optimistic. T's post has me thinking that I am the dreaded "complainer". Do I complain too much?

Why did I finally post the last of my saga? Good cleansing for me, wincing for yall. Hey you know I write chapters on my blog although HONEY you’re coming in a close second for long posts. Read if when you’re bored and have nothing else to do.

Why am I mad that it is so hot outside? I’m all for the summertime and I gripe every summer about the heat but got damn it’s hot.

I’ve already slapped one, but I will slap the next person *after that* if they ask me any variation of “Boy it’s hot out here? Are you hot?” Naw muthaf*cking, I’m sweating because I’m cold. Naw better yet I’m going through withdrawal. I’m on that “Slap A Dumb Person Drug” and I haven’t “scored” in a week? You want to be my dealer?

**Ok technically I slapped a nigga because he grabbed my ass. Nigga I don’t give a flying f*ck if you just got out of jail. I’m sure besides classes on how to not drop the soap, jail taught you some etiquette. I smacked his ass without even thinking about it. I was hot as hell, I had just dropped my damn pop as soon as I got it, had to argue with the Korean behind the counter on why I should get another, and this dude cupped a whole cheek when I walked out the store. So I was mad. He knows now not to be touching on strange ladies’ booties. I’M FROM THE CHI B*TCH!”**

Why was I only in the salon for three hours this time? Usually I’m in the salon like it’s a damn job, I should be sweeping up hair and sh*t as long as my hair tends to take. I was in by two, out by five. I was shocked. Maybe because it wasn’t that busy or something. Thank gawd for AC because if I would have walked in there and seen fans, I was walking right the f*ck back out. I’ve been a victim of the “Fan” for years, just make ya ass hot as hell and you know someone is going to turn the fan just on them leaving the rest of us to sweat it out. So I’m rocking the fresh curls just in time for Detroit.

Why am I going to my boyfriend’s family reunion in Detroit? *sigh* I will be under the thumb of “bougie” for the weekend. Let me start correcting my English now and act like I have a degree in something. And let me put away the short skirts and bust out my “conservative” wear, meaning my skirts are at least “finger tips”. *LOL* Did anyone’s High School make them do the “finger tips” test? Mine did *I don’t know why, half the damn school was pregnant anyway what the hell is a short skirt preventing?* and if you “failed” you had to wear your gym shorts all day. I failed every day. I just started wearing my gym shorts to school.

But I love the city of Detroit. I just hope I don’t get shot the f*ck up while I’m there. Besides one of my favorite bros live there. He promised to take us out for a good time.

Why do I think this brother is gay as all outdoors? He needs to just come out the damn closet and be done with it. His walk is better than me and he has a “manufactured” lisp.

You know what that means…

But I still heart him anyway.

Why was I in the mall, spending money that I don’t have of course, and I fell in lust with the BCBG heels? I don’t have sh*t to go with them but I want them so bad I can taste it. I was dropping hints like a muthaf*cking, oh hell I just said “I want these”.

“We’ll see”.

That means they will be on my feet by next week. The boyfriend spoils me. Now if only he’ll stop stalling and find my Black Jordans. They don’t have them in my damn size.

Why did I stop in Express to buy my boyfriend some jeans? Don’t worry they are not tight as sh*t. I can’t have his balls all protruding through the fabric. Only ladies should be rocking tight jeans. If I can wear a pair of your jeans, umm yeah it’s time to upgrade.

Express has so many gay men working there its ridiculous. Is that like a prerequisite to work there or something? I remember in high school, I filled out an application and was never called back. But G? That nigga worked there for two years. I had good discounts though. Then he f*cked it up for us by getting fired for sleeping with a co-worker.

*sigh*

Why did I go to work and this white girl really thought she was about to put her fingers in my hair? No seriously she had the am up and everything. I forgot I’m at a new property and I haven’t read the White Girls yet but…DON’T TOUCH MY F*CKING HAIR!

Had to lay the smack down. I was like, “What the f*ck you doing?” She stammering and stuttering and sh*t, “I was just admiring your hair…It’s so pretty and curly”. I snapped, “Well admire it from a distance. Do NOT touch my hair. Black women find offense when people play in our hair. I don’t have that wash and go sh*t. I got that $65 plus a tip sh*t. You can look but don’t touch.”

That is a pet peeve of mine. Stay the hell out of my hair! I hate for people to touch my hair, especially White People. Most of them bastards don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom and you think you’re going to run your fingers through my hair? Besides I don’t do the sh*t to you, don’t do it to me. That is so f*cking rude and disrespectful.

Little sh*t like that confirms to me that racism is very alive and thriving.

Touching me like I’m a damn animal or some sh*t. And damn if you were going to touch it, at least do it in the direction of the hair! Black people would touch and pat down. White people tousle your sh*t won’t they? Have you with a damn cowlick and sh*t.

But why was I looking too cute to work? B*tch was checking every shiny surface. It doesn’t help that the Fed-Ex man is kinda cute. What screws it up for him is this monstrous gap in this teeth. Looks like he has two front teeth missing and sh*t. He was cute until he smiled and a b*tch jumped. I’m like, “Yeah keep the grill shut boo. You need to frown more.”

Gaps are sexy but not when there’s signs directing you to the next tooth.

Why is there a woman that works with me that is musty as f*ck. And if there is nothing in this world that irritates the f*ck out of me, it’s a stinky person. B*tch is an attack to the five senses. Eyes water, ears shut down, you taste it on your tongue, it gives you that “itchy” feeling, and you smell her before you see her. And nothing is more trifling than a funky ass woman. We have how many aisles dedicated to us? How many brands of deodorant do we have on the market? That just don’t make any sense.

Either everyone has a stronger stomach than me or they’re just contributing to the problem. I mean I fancy myself at having a strong stomach *growing up with a gross little brother will help you* but people who stink makes me want to vomit. I get migranes when I smell someone who stinks.

And she like to get real close to you and sh*t. Like too close for comfort.

Why is that? Why is it that funky people like to get real f*cking close to you, like they don’t stink? I know they smell that. I know it. Doesn’t funkiness make your skin itch or something? When I’m working out at the gym and I think I smell musty, I hit the showers otherwise I start itching and sh*t. When I’m at home during those lazy days, it’s the itchiness that lets me know my funky ass need to hit the showers.

And like stalkers, funky people like to gravitate toward me. Bus would be empty as f*ck, the funky person has to sit next to me. Crowded buses, the funky person have to stand next to me and raise their funky ass arms to gripe the bars. I’m short so I’m right there in the area problem. The funky breathe person always make it a point to be in my face. Breathing those deadly fumes in my face. And they always refuse the gum and Altoids. Always.

Here I am smelling good with my D&G perfume and my Enchanted Apple Victoria’s Secret lotion and this b*tch smell just enveloped everything. Smell just the Black Hole of Good Smells. And you know when someone walks up and the smell assault their senses, they look at you sideways like, “Which one of yall is the nasty b*tch?”

I had to tell her yesterday to take 3 steps back. Way the f*ck back, back to the showers back. She was in my “smelling good” comfort zone.

So I’m talking to one of the girls and I’m concerned. I’m inquiring have anyone told this damn girl she smelled because I know I’m not the only one who smells her. Damn ignoring it. We have to come together to solve this! She was like, “Well she’s Indian…”

What the f*ck do that have to do with the price of tea in China? B*tch you in America! I don’t give a damn what yall do back home but here in America, we wash our asses. We take advantage of deodorant *well most of us*. We have more than enough soap and water to bathe your ass.

Being that I see no one was going to be any help, to give me some relief and sanity, I had to be the bearer of bad news. I pulled her to the side in private and told her in a nice, professional way. And yes I did yall!

Why did this b*tch look at me like I was crazy? She said there’s nothing wrong with the way she smells, she smells “natural”. No one else have complained so why am I?

Yeah “natural” all right…a hot natural mess.

Why am I up for a battle on my hands? This b*tch is going to wear some deodorant if I have to put the sh*t on personally!

Why haven’t I packed yet for this damn trip?

Why did I buy this cute one piece short set and I kid you not I had the same f*cking outfit as a shorty. I need to go home and dig around for the picture. That sh*t blew me.

Why did I steal my baby picture from my mom? You know the one that comes in the little oval frame with the little blanket behind it? I think it’s the picture the hospital takes after your birth because I swear everyone has the exact same picture. Why was I beige looking? Why did I have hair that mysteriously disappeared by my 8th month only to come back with a fury at two? I’m going to scan the picture tonight so you can see it. Don’t laugh. I think I was funny looking. I refuse to believe that child is yours truly.

Why can’t I find my new bra? I think the cat did something to it.

Why will I be on Animal Police if that cat has done something to my $42 bra?

Why am I so in love with Pee-Wee’s Play House? I try to watch it every night. That means my phone calls are ceased, no IM until it goes off.

But why, now that I’m older, is Pee-Wee like a pedophile? He’s really kinda creepy to be honest.

But like a car wreck, I can’t turn away. Although I like the episode of Family Guy when Peter received reparations from Lois’ father and turned the living room into Pee-Wee’s Play House.

Why was Lawrence Fishburne the cowboy on Pee-Wee? Don’t believe me? Watch it.

Broke Back Mountain for that ass. Ang Lee is a fraud. Naw I’m just kidding, I enjoyed Broke Back Mountain.

Why am I running late for work? I have yet to shower and I have to be there in 30 minutes?

Let me end this before I ask another why.