HU's Homecoming Saga Pt. 1...

OH. MY. GAWD.

My body is so weary from this weekend. I think I may have gotten 6 or 7 hours of sleep this entire weekend. If that.

Missy- I missed out on seeing you, I was sooo mad. My Saturday went by in a blur. I was so out of there Saturday it wasn’t even funny. Guess that means I have to make a trek to Boston to see you. Is the winter there as bad as I’ve been hearing? I heard Boston is BRUTAL in the winter. Even more brutal than a Chicago winter and the hawk stays out in the winter.

I got absolutely no sleep on Thursday. Maybe three or four hours tops. I just couldn’t sleep. When I did finally shut my eyes the alarm clock went off. I had an early morning hair appointment because my girls were due to fly in later than day and I wanted to be home in case they needed a ride from Reagan.

Very groggy I stumbled to my hair appointment where I was upset to discover that the damn shop was closed. It was supposed to open at 9, my appointment was 9:30 but the shop didn’t open until 9:20. My beautician was running late so her assitant started on my hair, dripping wrapping lotion all in my damn eye, leaving my face looking like Ashy larry so I didn't get under the dryer until almost 11 am. Under the dryer for like three hours and I did not end up leaving until close to 4:00. I was a little ticked; I had gotten spoiled by the hour and a half time it took to get my hair done but granted I did opt for curls this time.

I caught a few zzzz under the dryer but not enough to make an impact. I got home and found out their plane was delayed; they weren’t getting in until after 8 pm. Cool by me I was going to get caught up with some zzzz.

That so did not happen. TWIN called and told me she was off for the weekend and she was driving up to DC *she’s in Norfolk* for HU’s Homecoming. Cool fine by me. I knew she would get lost *thanks to Map Quest* so I stayed up to wait for her.

Once she got in town we made up a game plan on where to kick it. LOVE was out. I knew by the time she got in, we both showered and dressed; the line would be wrapped around the corner three or four times. Plus I really didn’t enjoy myself at LOVE last year. H20, AVENUE, FUR, and FELIX became other options. I’ve only been to AVENUE a few times so as a game plan we decided to hit that up.

We were looking hot and fierce *our new word of the day done with a snap in Z formation*. I had on an orange dress which made the boobies pop! I mean I was looking at least a 32C that night. Ok Ok 38B but a sista could dream…banging matching stilettos and the curls were shimmering.

You can’t see the bottom but it was an empire waist dress and the dress billowed to my knees. Loose but clingy in the right spots.

We were looking too fly if I don’t say so myself. Got to AVENUE where of course we had to ride around the block like 10 times to find a parking spot. Stood in line for close to 30 minutes of course freezing because you know we were too pretty to wear full jackets. Peeped JBN and some of his frat brothers in front of us, we waved and kept it moving. We don’t do the “club boyfriend/girlfriend thing”. We strictly do our own thang if we’re in the same club setting, I do me. He does him. We dance to one or two songs and keep it moving. I don’t need him breathing down my neck at the club and he don’t need me eye stabbing from the sidelines.

Some random dudes started flirting with us in line but um yeah it was cold and we weren’t trying to get club boyfriends before we even got in the club. Paid our $20 and slid in.

What can I say about Friday other than we juked *danced* our asses off? We had such a good time in the club. Since it was just us two because my other friends flaked; they insisted on going to LOVE because nothing was going to stop them from seeing celebs. You know I tried to tell them without advance tickets they were going to play $50-60 *maybe even more* to get in there and from what I understood Puffy *He’s always going to be Puffy in my book* wasn’t even there *shit he wasn’t there last year either* but stubbornly they went on to LOVE *which I heard was straight*. And got lost of course. So I had to text directions to them, they got hit with a LOT of traffic coming up New York Ave but eventually they got to LOVE.

Meanwhile at AVENUE my girl and I were on flirt patrol. And no I did not have one drop of alcohol in the system. I was stone sober. I was offered several drinks but if I got drunk we never would have made it home because she doesn’t know her way around DC. Fuck around and end up in Southeast butt ass naked with no car and purse.

We were in straight silly mode actually. We were using typical guy pick up line and cursing at them *jokingly* when they walked off “Aww fuck you nigga you weren’t cute N-E Wayz…” just being goof balls because that’s just what we do. We danced on every level of the club and were jus grabbing random *cute* dudes to dance all night. Of course a few bears had got up in my face, one dude’s breathe was so harsh I swear he straightened a few of my curls. What you need some gum/ Breathe like some thunder/whatcha lookin’ at/I don’t want yo phone number…

Then I was walled humped by a Dominican guy. I’m on the reggae floor trying to catch my breathe because my honorary Jamaican Dance Hall Queen side had came out next thing you know I’m getting humped by a guy in dreads. Don’t get me wrong he was cute as shit, the few words I understood in his thick, sexy accent that he was ½ whispering/1/2 hollering in my ear was nice, AND his dreads smelled lovely. You know some folks with dreads just refuse to wash their shit but his was freshly done AND smelled fruity. And he was chocolate?! Now you know any other day I would have been drooling over this fine morsel that was in my ear whispering whatever. But two problems.

One my feet were BURNING! I couldn’t even nudge him away from me because that would involve moving and I was trying to keep my balance and ignore the throbbing in my feet. So I just stood there basically while he humped me.

Two, I felt the package on my leg. OH HELL NO. That shit was freakishly large and the shit wasn’t even hard. I thought it was my imagination at first but the more he humped my leg the more obviously that that shit that was on my leg was homeboy’s dick. I ain’t a punk but there are certain limitations to the dick that I will accept. Anything that has the potential to strike my ovaries is OUT. Anything that has the potential to erase my vaginal walls is OUT. Anything that has the ability to have my coochie lips dragging the ground is OUT. Homeboy had a weapon in his pants and I surely did not have a death wish.

And besides he was an “islander”. Translation: crazy. I don’t need some elephantine dick nigga chasing after me because lawd know he could choke me with his dick alone. No fingerprints. Cold case files for the death of LaToya aka Tenacious. Just a faint scuff mark around my neck that forensic scientists could not tell what the hell choked me to death. But we’d all know, dude’s dick.

Summing up some energy I nudged him off of me, thanked him for the kind words but bluntly told him “No Way Jose. If that’s your dick in your pants baby I so pass because I would do nothing but be a tease. If that shit flopped out on me a bitch would jump out the window and no I don’t want to touch it! I’m running from it” and we slid our asses back upstairs. And my girl saw the print so I know I wasn’t imaging shit, call me crazy but hell to the no!

Dancing on the dance floor start dancing with this cute light skinned cat when out of no where comes JBN drunk as a fucking skunk. I smell the alcohol off of him like cologne. Tagging behind him were his guys whom I assuming followed because they thought a scene was about to occur.

On the contrary he drunkenly felt me up *while I was still dancing with dude*, slurred how pretty I was and how much he wanted to marry me and told me save a dance for him while he palmed my breast. Looked at dude and told dude this was “his shit” and don’t get fucked up. Was dragged off by his guys into the crowd.

Dude slide off my ass so quick, didn’t want any drama and skirted away from me. I was a lil salty because he was cute but dammit JBN! He knew what the hell he was doing! I wasn’t too mad because when he gets drunk he acts like that all the time. Of course you know I think it’s cute.

After the cute dude slid away I danced some more.

And that’s when we unintentionally got “weekend boyfriends”.

We’re dancing and my girl pinches the shit out of me and directed my attention to the fine morsels at the door. Right off back I could tell they were NOT from DC. I’ve been in DC long enough to pick up on the fashion trends of the folks who live in DC and the surrounding cities but they were dressed in a way that only someone from the Midwest dress. Just looking sexy as shit the both of them, you know it’s hard to find two cute dudes who hang with one another; usually one is cuter than the other.

But both were cute. The only real flaw that one guy was short as shit. I mean TWIN and I are about 5’2’’, 5’2’’ and a quarter *respectively* and we both had on stilettos but we towered over dude. I mean he was just that short. I don’t like short men especially those who are shorter than me. To be honest you have to be at least 5’8’’ to capture my interest. But his swagger was so hot that I overlooked his shortness. Well TWIN did. She saw him first so she got to pick which one to flirt with and I got the friend, who was tall and lanky. He looked like Pharrell if Pharrell had some height and some more weight on him. You know I love me some Pharrell, almost as much as Justin but no Justin look alikes were in the club.

So being the females that we are we boldly approached them flirting just laying the charm on thick with them. They were some cool ass dudes. Within minutes we were cracking jokes and roasting one another like we were long lost friends. Now I wasn’t going to give out my number because duh I’m in a committed relationship but TWIN slid SEXYBACK my number because her cell was in the car so I had to give BABYP my number. We chatted a bit more, made plans to get up and we went back off to do our thang. Caught up with them at the end of the night and did the “last call” dance with them. Turns out BABYP and SEXYBACK were from Cleveland but funny enough BABYP was stationed in Norfolk with the Navy. TWIN and BABYP did their Navy talk thing and they’re not on the same boat but their ships are near one another.

We stumbled out of the club at about 3 am. We’re hungry and we decided to hit up IHOP, of course, the unofficial “after the club” eatery for us. Of course the line was obnoxious and by the time we got a seat it was close to 4 am. We’re sitting and talking because our waiter was slow so we didn’t get our food until close to 445 am. We were falling asleep by the time our food came I mean we literally had a few bites of food and we were spent. Of course JBN called me drunkenly begging for a cheese omelet.

We’re getting our food together to leave when my phone rings. It’s SEXYBACK and they were on their way to I-HOP because funny enough they were staying at the Hyatt which is two blocks from my apartment. He was joking that we were trying to stuff our faces before they got there so we wouldn’t look “fat” in front of them. They got lost of course so by the time they pulled up we were about to pull out. We go back in the restaurant and clowned with them for close to another hour basically at the 80s fashion which has gotten out of hand. If I see another pair of leggings or another chick with a big ass belt wrapped under her titties I am going to slap someone. Granted some folks look cute with both but damn near every girl at the club had on a variation of those two. Some both. When were leggings that hot? And I damn sure don't remember wearing mine under a skirt; I wore tights *shrugs* but then again I was born in the early 80a and spent my childhood in the 90s. I wore them of course but shit my knobby kneed ass couldn’t fill out the leggings, I looked weird and besides I wore big ass shirt with the corner tied and I thought I was the shit. This shit has gotten ridiculous. But maybe I’m hating because you need breasts to loop a belt underneath your shirt and I need more leg definition to fill out leggings. But still 95% of the women that were in I-HOP basically were wearing the same outfit.

Of course we had to put our “Midwest Bougieness” in the mix and we all were cracking on the same thing even though they were from Ohio and later they admitted that they were not from Cleveland but rather a suburb right outside of Cleveland.

By the time we stumbled home it was 7 am and the sun was starting to come up. I had to almost drag JBN off the bed so he could sleep on the couch because me and TWIN were sleeping in the bed. That took about twenty minutes because when he’s drunk he’s in a coma and he was resisting moving. Got him situated on the couch, set the alarm so he could get up for work, and dove in the bed. We were sleep in minutes. BABYP texted me something sweet but I was too tired to reply.

Saturday was the day of pure craziness.