Random Shit Talking...

Why do it seem like I have been working without a break for the last two weeks?

Oh wait maybe because I have been working straight with damn near no break. I mean I had last Friday and Saturday off but this week, six days I am working. That meant I have been working since Sunday without a break.

And I know them. I’ll be probably working an extra two or three days before I get a break.

As you can probably tell I am not in the best mood. In fact I am just down right grouchy like.

Damn why can’t I hit the Power ball and that’ll be the end of my working days? Ok I guess I’d have a better chance of winning if I actually played the lottery but whatever.

I’m coming out of my stank funk but I’m still grumbling.

You know what irks me though? Stupid questions and jokes on my name. And folks have the nerve to get an attitude when obviously I am not amused by their dumb chatter and dumb jokes. You know how someone will say a lame joke and others will laugh out of politeness *or sometimes it's just that white humor that I don't get*, I'm the one that's not laughing. In fact, I'm asking someone to explain the joke because obviously the punchline has gone completely over my head. Better yet, I just say the shit was not funny and keep it moving.

Yeah crushing future comedians one step at a time.

Case in point: At work. I get the same dumb ass questions and jokes at least every other guest. I mean how many people are going to ask me:

1. Am I related to Latoya Jackson? *Yeah like I would be working if I was part of the Jackson family*

2. Was I named after LaToya Jackson? *Actually I was but that’s not the point. I mean the Gospel of LaToya is a lost book of the Bible, I mean you didn’t know?*

3. How do I spell my name? *Um the name tag should give you an idea. That's not an abbreviation you know. Damn I’m sure my mother didn’t intentionally make the spelling hard. I mean it’s not like I have 3 Qs, 6 Es and a W in my name*

4. How are my brothers’ Michael, Tito and Jermaine *chuckle chuckle, this one really get the giggles going*? *My brother’s name is Christopher ass wipes*

5. Wow you look just like her! *Don’t ever in your life insult me like that. I will NEVER look like her. Do white people really think they’re giving me a compliment when they say I look like her? Bitch we’re not even the same skin complexion! And I don’t have the Wet and Wavy in Soul Glo Black either!*

**blogger is acting an ass so I can't post comparison pictures**

6. Did I have any funny nicknames? *Bitch am I here to amuse you? What the hell type of question is that? Why don’t you tell me what the fuck you’re disturbing me for rather than ask me dumb ass questions! I mean what does a dripping faucet has to do with my childhood nicknames? I mean how do you know I'm not in therapy over my "traumatic childhood" and I won't have an episode and cut the shit out of you? I mean my gawd think people think! What kid didn’t get teased over their name? I was called Toyota *I love what you do for me Toyota…*, Latoya Jackson *duh*, To-To *why I don’t know*, and Toy-Toy *I blame my mom, of the infamous fucked up bathrobe and slippers complete with the sponge roller ensemble, who would say that to me when I “accidentally” left my glasses at home and of course to embarrass me further…”Give me some sugar…”*

Look I know my name is lame and probably doesn’t scream “Doctor or Lawyer” as every “ghetto” chick is usually a LaToya and nine times out of ten we’re loud. Sure there’s some quiet LaToya’s out there but not many. I mean my best friend TWIN and I share the same name.

Of course stupid questions times two. The most annoying ones…”Are yall related”? Yeah our mother had absolutely no originality so she named me LaToya 1 and she’s LaToya 2. "Are you two twins"? Yeah we’re 4 months apart…and we were born to different mothers and fathers. At different hospitals. In different parts of the city. In fact we were raised apart for 14 years, I mean damn you didn't know Sister Sister was loosely based on our lives? In fact, we're suing the producers right now. Never mind the only thing we have in common is our height and skin complexion but yeah we’re identical though.

Dumb asses.

I’ve noticed that. Every LaToya that I have met act the same exact way. We’re usually a loud, obnoxious bunch. There’s a few “bougie” LaToya’s but not many. Almost all of us are dark skinned. I have yet to meet a light skinned LaToya. She’d probably have nappy hair anyway.

*lol*

Also apparently I must have some type of “look” about me that screams “skank” or “hoe” or something. Like I look like I just give it up to anyone who asks.

Case in point:

I’m at McDonald’s *shut up I’m cheating on my diet but I need my Sweet Tea fix* minding my own damn business. I’m trying to remember if I already had a “Park Place” Monopoly piece *I did…ok I’ve a lame. I play the Monopoly game every year. I’m like a crack head on game pieces. Yeah I will ask can I have your game pieces…so if anyone has a Pennsylvania Ave one…umm send it my way please* when some dude slides in the seat across from me. I think he was talking for a few minutes before he actually broke my intense concentration. That should have told him something.

He was aiight, I mean the grill could’ve used some braces but who gave you permission to sit with me?

In his cute little Southern accent he tried to holla. I wasn’t in the mood so I was giving really short one word answers as I sipped my tea. Usually dudes get frustrated and leave.

Of course he gave me the standard “I’m cute for a dark skinned girl” *a damn insult if you ask me. And besides I was looking like a hot mess warmed over. Why is it when I look my trashiest I pull the most dudes?* and started interrogating the shit out me. I mean nigga wanted my whole life story and shit.

One word answers.

Then he said this and I swear I heard him wrong, “So…You wanna get a room?”

Excuse me? *clutches drawstrings of hoodie like old white socialite being approached by black man on crowded street*

Repeate por favor? *LOL funny I don’t speak Spanish but I remember the most obscure shit in Spanish. Oh wait this is the only term in Spanish that I knew as I was always telling my instructors it when caught not paying attention*

I mean gave me the sexy look and everything.

If I didn’t love my Sweet Tea he would’ve been wearing that shit. I just snapped, “I don’t get down like that!” and left.

I am a fucking lady. Don’t approach me like I’m some gutter rat who makes sucking dick a profession!

I mean it’s not the first time this has happened. At times I’m not even sure I should be insulted or proud.

Better yet is that a badge I even want to wear? Wow look at me, men want to fuck me the first night they see me. Don’t need to know my name or anything, just do I spit or swallow?

Maybe I just have that “I’m not looking for a relationship, I’m looking to fuuuuckkk” face or something.

Or maybe it’s my callous mouth. I do have an astonishing potty mouth for a lady. I curse constantly. I have a crude sense of humor and I have a pretty open mind when it comes to sex *um no anal and gross stuff though*.

I guess the same stuff that is regular to me equals “dirty tramp” to others.

But whatever.

Or maybe it’s the booty. A booty my size must equals freaks. You know if you let a dude hit it from the back it’ll make your butt bigger.

*LOL* Yeah I was told this by the same person who told me by letting a dude suck on my breasts it’ll make them grow.

As we all know obviously that is so not true. If anything it made mine smaller!

Ah the advice of the skankiest cousin in the family. You know the one who taught 12 year olds how to suck a dick using a banana. How to kiss using a stuffed animal. Better yet, how to gank *use* a nigga for his cash using the power of the P-U-S-S-Y.

Yeah the same cousin who has three bad ass kids by three different men but at least they stay geared up. Never mind the oldest can’t tell you his address for shit but damn if he doesn’t know T.I’s King album word for word.

Or is that only in my family?

I had to change my Face Book picture after folks accused me of being pregnant The picture of me and JBN with me in the white shirt…That’s the so-called “maternity shirt” I blogged about a few months ago. Do I really look pregnant in that shirt?

Tuh like I would proudly display a knocked up picture of me. More like a picture of me sobbing while shooting death glares at JBN.

I won’t front though. He is a nice looking man but he looked like a cute Cabbage Patch Doll as a baby. I am not pushing a baby with his size head out of me.

Stretching out my vagina I think not.

Oh wait, my vagina is already supposed to be stretched out due to all the sex I supposedly had during my collegiate years.

I just want to know where the hell I was during all of the romps.

An ex-best friend has been sending me messages via Face Book. See that’s my fault for relaxing my “If I don’t know you or fuck with you, I’m not accepting your friendship notice” rule as now I just hit “Accept” to everything.

We were cool as shit during high school. She was part of the stomping crew of TWIN, ICEE, FH, I and a few other girls even though TWIN couldn’t stand her ass.

We went through a lot together. Until college. When her schizo-side that was peeking in high school exploded.

Bitch went crazy basically. I remember this heifer called me a 3 o’ clock in the morning screaming at the top of her lungs that I ate her Milky Way bar when she went home that weekend.

*side note-My freshman year fall semester, I lived in a different dorm with a Chinese girl who never was in the room. Basically she lived with her boyfriend. I have a few stories about that. Crazy friend and ICEE were roommates until Crazy decided to abruptly quit school. Bitch packed up her shit after Thanksgiving and never came back. Never mind she lied about her leaving school and the main reason she left was she thought her boyfriend was cheating *he wasn't*. And then ICEE and I became roommates Spring Semester 2002 even though a lot of people assumed I lived in their dorm anyway because I was there so much. I think a lot of rumors started when people would see me leaving their dorm at odd hours *aka the fucking hours* to go back to my own room *unknown to them* I mean duh who didn't hear my gripping about living in the "Engineer Major" dorm where majority of the girl's side were White or Asian?*

We were always having it out with ICEE the “peacemaker” breaking us up. I mean she had about a good sixty pounds on me *back when I was 115 pounds soaking wet* but don’t think I wouldn’t have scrapped with her like a crack head over the last rock.

When she called and woke me up for that foolishness…I fucking snapped. I remember telling her to meet me outside her dorm since she was talking so recklessly and I’ll be there in 5 minutes.

Our dorms were about 10 blocks from one another but it was a straight shot. In fact I could see her dorm from my dorm’s window. I had on mis-matched shoes and everything and was about to head out the door when ICEE called and begged for us to calm down but fuck that shit. I’m not about to be woken up and cursed over a fun-sized Milky Way Bar. Not even the full bar but the little ones that we got at dinner every night. And I don’t even eat fucking Milky Ways!

I got to the dorm and of course she wouldn’t come downstairs I guess she thought I was playing or something so why did I go around the building and hollered up at her room *11th floor* like they do in the projects for her to bring her black ass downstairs. Woke up folks on that side of building but fuck that, if I ain’t sleeping, ain’t nobody sleeping!

When she left school I found out she was spreading lies like I was supposed to be spreading my legs. According to a good friend of ours, me and ICEE was fucking and sucking everything that moved. We were lushes *ok we kinda were but damn not like that* and we had at least three niggas over a night. All types of craziness.

Now me personally I didn’t care because shit I was hearing worse. I was more salty that the bitch was slick talking to the next man about us but after confronting her and she denying with her lying ass everything she said, I just wrote her out my book. Told her to keep her five feet from me and we were no longer friends. I was pissed though that she dragged ICEE, a woman who would give you the shirt off her back, give you her last $1 and don’t expect it back, sweet as hell to everyone no matter what, name into the foolishness. ICEE was so hurt she cried which made me mad.

No one makes my fucking friends cry.

So I haven’t spoken to this heifer since 2001 basically and here she is Face Stalking me. Always wanting to know when I am coming home, when we can kick it, what’s new in my life….like we just haven’t been talking for the past 5 years?

Ain't that about a bitch?

No matter how much I tell the broad to leave me the fuck alone and took her off my friendship list, she keeps coming strong. Like she’s going to wear me down or something.

Damn she’s like a persistent nigga who’s determined to get the pussy. Just going to badger it out of you until finally you say fuck it and give him some “Damn if I give you some pussy will you leave me the fuck alone” pussy.

How about you sip a tall glass of “Get the Hell out My Face” with a side of “Before I Bitch Slap You” cookies.

I ain’t forgotten Bitch. No one spreads dirt about me and think I’m going to forget.

I mean damn if you are please get the story right. I mean don’t say some shit that sounds so fucking stupid that even my sanctified grandmother would say, “Bitch you lying”.

How could I fuck a nigga Wednesday when that Wednesday I was with you? I guess my pussy had an “out of panties” experience, flew in this nigga’s crib, fucked him, and then zapped back onto my body.

I mean damn why couldn’t they be the cute niggas at that? Why do I get the creepy guy that lurks in the stacks at the library? Why couldn’t I get the dumb as shit football player with the body? Yeah he’s dumb as a rock, I mean yeah Lawrence Fishburne was really a Tuskegee Airman, but damn his body was lovely.

SO heifer fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

*sigh* Let me go back to work, oh wait…another LaToya Jackson reference.

Send me home Jee-bus. Send me home.