Miss Me With That Bullshit...

Just some stress factors in my world but I’ve gotten them all handled now. Since my best friend is gone, I broke down and called Mama Dukes and laid it all on the table. I’m close to my mother, don’t get me wrong, but there’s some things that I just can’t tell her, but this time I did. I laid it all down. From the beginning to the end.

My mother is pretty up to date on the sordid details of my life but she was pretty surprised to hear what I had to tell her. She listened with her ear and gave me the words I needed, craved, to hear.

That’s my moms for ya. Always come through when I need her.

I was fine until Wednesday night. I got home from shopping and there was a voicemail on my phone from my best friend. We missed each other calls and she was calling to say goodbye and she’ll write to me when she can. I was at the mall when she called and my phone doesn’t have a good signal in the mall, so needless to say I was a little upset.

Ok. A lot upset. I cried. I don’t know why her leaving is upsetting me so much, it’s not like she hasn’t had tours before and we haven’t gone for months without talking. She’s even been over to Afghanistan and Iraq for short stints in 2001-2002.

She’s the closest person to me besides my mother, grandmothers, and fiancé because I could tell her anything with a judgmental ear. I mean she knows some deep shit about my ass, shit that if she ever wanted to be spiteful could fuck my world up. Well not really but she could do some damage. I’ll run something by her before I even run it by my fiancé. She’s like my devilish other half. Can you believe we’ve never had a fight or argument? How hard is that to accomplish in the female friend world? Never. I don’t think we’ve even raised our voices, well seriously raised our voices, to each other.

But I refuse to think the worst. I’ll see her at Christmas.

Later that night I called my other best friends, conference call time, TWIN and FOOL, its ranting time. Now when I sit and think about it why the HELL did I call FOOL?

We’re not talking right now.

TWIN is not surprised but FOOL get heated. I forgot this nigga is a Pro-Lifer. There’s a little background to that story but this nigga is like one of the crazy ones. So we get into it.

Yeah I thought I was pregnant. I was over a week and a half late. To be honest I never even noticed until JBN brought up the subject and after doing the math and triple checking the calendar I was like FUCK! So I was so fucking pissed, not at him because he couldn’t help that the condom broke *a first in our 4+ years relationship* but more at myself because my lazy ass was supposed to go in for birth control a long time ago but I was always too lazy to keep the appointments.
And for the record no FOOL and I have never messed around, never fucked, never even kissed.

I’m pretty regular so once this was brought to my attention I was so damn mad. Ain’t this about a bitch? How the fuck do you forget something like that? I mean the shit never crossed my mind. I was about to argue with him until I really sat and thought about it but why not, he knows my schedule better than I do! The kid was almost brought down by a fucking busted ass Magnum condom. Fucking Gold wrapper has deceived me.

Funny enough the day I broke down and brought a test, my shit came. I have an appointment next week, I’m still getting a test done. I still took the pregnancy test and it was negative by the way.

So I’m talking more to TWIN, forgetting this Negro is on the line and she asks what will I do, and I reply “You know what the hell I’m going to do…” and of course he cuts in and flip out.

It was like When Animals Attack on the line because we both were yelling and screaming at one another. We called each other quite a few nasty names, yeah when we get into it we get real greasy with our talk. Out of my best friends FOOL and I argue the most, partly because we’re so much alike that we butt heads when it comes to certain issues.

At some point TWIN hung up and it was just us too. He basically called me “a cold hearted selfish bitch who is only thinking of herself and it’s not like JBN **fiancé alias** is some trifling nigga out in the streets we’re about to get married for god’s sake and I’m just dead ass wrong because I’m killing a human being and I’m talking like I’m going for a walk in the park and I’ll pressure him into my decision because I’m a pushy bitch who’s stubborn beyond belief”. Oh and did I mention I’m “vain and selfish”? And he said some other shit that doesn’t need to be mentioned but if I was a lesser chick I might have cried. Nigga got a little greasy with his lips and said some shit he shouldn’t have.
Well we both said some shit that we didn’t need to say to one another but oh well it’s out there now. I guess now we both know how we really feel about certain things.

Even though there’s a little personal background for him on why he feels so strongly about this issue, I was fucking heated. And insulted. I haven’t been mad like that for a nice minute. How dare he? Well you know that conversation ended with the dial tone.

Solving nothing.

I was drained more than angry. That argument took a lot out of me. I’m sure my neighbors were a second from calling the police.

As a best friend he knows how to push my buttons and just irk the shit out me. And he broke them bad boys.

Eh, we’ll be talking soon. It’ll be a month or two I guess. Somebody will break down first and call. Shit it ain’t gonna be me I can tell you that.

I’m still heated by his words and I’m the type that I can’t sleep when I’m angry, so guess who woke up on the wrong side of the bed Friday?

Not only did I have a dentist appointment but I’m so mad that my face has begun to break out. When I’m stress or real angry, I break out. So I’m pissed that my normally smooth chocolate face is looking very pepperoni-ish.

My mouth was sore due to getting my top wisdom tooth pulled, which I did not expect but apparently that’s what my appointment was for. Had I known I would have told him to holler back because that shit hurts. I was fine, doped up on my Novocain for a couple of hours but once it wore off….ooh shit. Felt like a horse kicked me in my jaw.

And great the other two are being pulled right before Christmas. Happy happy joy joy.

So I’m grumpy and in pain. Those damn Tylenols did not kick in soon enough. But when they did I was nice and loose, very relaxed.

I called myself being nice and calm but then my anger came back later on that evening.

I know I have a lot of pet peeves but those are just minor irritants. They don’t send me into a rant because it’s not that serious. For example, I hate when people talk with their mouth full of food. Is it irritating and disgusting? Yes. But will I flip a table over in a rage because someone does it? No.

I usually roll my eyes and keep it moving.

I don’t like to wear “war paint” *makeup as my father calls it* because I don’t think I need it and besides the shit is expensive. And do you know how hard it is to find my skin color in foundation? But I wore some Friday to minimize scaring small children with my face. So I’m already self-conscious because it’s not like they were in places that I could hide with my hair. Those bad boys were front and center waving.

All I heard was, in a loud ass voice which of course drew attention to me and my face, “Ew why are you wearing makeup?” And of course the people waiting for the elevator turned and were gawking at my ass.

That just set me off. Why? I don’t know but that just bugged the shit out of me. It’s not like I was doing it for the person but rather to minimize my acne. And trust I hated having the shit on. And I didn’t like being put on blast like that. A bitch is already self conscious about it, this person just made it worst and got mad because I had on make-up. Got a funky ass little attitude.

This, of course, gave me attitude. Don’t dish the shit out if you can’t take it. I hate when folks get mad at you but don’t want to tell you the problem so you just sit in silence, both all yall fuming over nothing. And then when you try to lighten up the mood you’re met with more attitude.

So I said “Two tears in a bucket, fuck it”. I’m not in the business of kissing ass. If you want to pout because I wore makeup, fine. Do you. Especially when I’m making an attempt to keep the mood light even though I was irritated after damn near screaming that I have on make up because my face has acne.

But you know what, I’m like that’s not going to ruin my night because I left home to get away from the irritants. I came to chill and relax for a few hours. Not to mention I was still in a funk from an earlier IM conversation, not to mention I’m still mad about my situation, and still mad at FOOL.

Shit got better later on but for that first hour or two I was mad as shit.

Saturday brought some other type of attitude for what ever reason but by that time I was too tired to argue. I just had a “Yeah whatever” attitude and kept it moving. Once again I should not have opened my big ass mouth. It’s amusing to me how folks say, “Oh you can talk to me about anything, we’re friends” and as soon as you do, um yeah muthafuckers just disappear on your ass. Shit if you really didn’t care, you shouldn’t have fucking asked. I really didn’t want to say shit but for some reason the constant questions were irking the living shit out of me so I blurted it out without really thinking, partly like “Damn I told you now leave me the fuck alone!” Once again should have just kept them lips closed. And folks wonder why I have trust issues and I refuse to share shit with people outside of my close circle of friends. But whatever. My lips are zipped from now on. Enjoyed my Saturday evening, slept well, ate well, and watch a few dumb ass movies on Starz. I think they were having “Horror Night” because a lot of *bad* horror movies were on.
Sunday, I’m chill. I really am. I’m having a gay old time. Until I received a phone call from the “Intervention Brigade” thanks to FOOL who decided to go jap his thin ass lips to other motherfuckers. Had me on three way and shit with another friend on the extension of one of the phones so I had three friends playing fake psychologists on me.

Once again I’m in the wrong and I’m being stubborn about it. It’s not like it’s the end of the world, blah blah blah. Yeah ok whatever. My mind is set. I’ll do what I want, it’s my damn body. And JBN and I had a serious discussion about it. We talked for several hours, pros and cons, the whole deal. At the end of the day, it’s my body and my decision. And I chose the alternative route.

Hey if that’s fucked up, oh well.

Damn dial tone again. I was tired of hanging up on people. This resulted in another phone call to FOOL to curse out his voice mail. Yeah bastard wouldn’t pick up his phone. Don’t put my fucking business out in the fucking streets. If I wanted everyone and their mama to know I would have placed a national TV advertisement about it. I don’t need muthafuckers whom I’m not all that cool with trying to call me and guilt trip me to death. Now those bitches are on my list for a nice minute.

And then *sigh feels like all I’m doing is complaining at this point, bear with me people I’ll be done in a sec* while I’m already pissed, kicking shit. On IM once again having a nice little chat. Apparently I said something that someone did not agree with. Conversation over. Signed off of IM and everything.

Whoa. Was all that really necessary?

This really set me off because not only was it rude and childish but it’s something my father does all the time, which of course irritates me to the nth degree. I absolutely hate anything that reminds me of my father and his ways. Which shows how messed up our relationship is when it takes one little thing that reminds me of him to set me off. And that when someone gets a muthafucking attitude when something is said that he/she does not like and completely brush your words off like they are nothing. That “My Way or the Highway” mentality bugs me. It bugs me a lot.

And I consider myself a pretty stubborn person who is set in her ways but I will say one thing: I may not like it but I respect everyone’s opinion. Even if it something that I disagree with I’m not going to get all huffy about it and cut you off because your opinion differs from mine.

To throw an almost temper tantrum about it is childish and dumb, what does it solve? Nothing and I still have the same opinion. If anything it confirms my opinion about a person. But once again, it’s cool. I said my piece and went on about my business.

Enjoyed the rest of my Sunday. Watched my L&O:SVU, napped, and talked on the phone. I didn’t mean to ignore anyone who IMed I was napping, sorry. Watched TV and talked on the phone with TWIN who played the middleman but neither of us were budging and still have not budged.

Worked Monday. Eh work was work.

Woke up Tuesday and called Mama Dukes who put me in perspective. So the kid is back *again*

Thanks for reading all of this crap. I’ve gotten it off my chest so I feel so much better.

Thank you for all the kind words, chats via IM and genuine concern for my well-being. I sincerely appreciate it. It gives me a warm feeling that there are other people out there that give a fuck about me and my well being.

Have a great day yall.