I Need To Get Some Business

I have one more week at my old job.

My manager has been walking around pouting because apparently I am leaving *as office rumors go* I was “so cool” and so “funny” and all this other jazz that I had to bust up laughing.

While some of my co-workers are sad that I’m leaving, they do realize that I live down the street and they do have my phone number so it’s not like I am completely disappearing off the face of the earth.

The others? Eh, they’re patiently waiting to do the Mexican Hat Dance. They are so ready to leave. I guess calling one girl a “fake ass Christian” was not such a good idea at the time.

She is a fake ass Christian by the way. And my father wonders why I don’t go to church. I’m like, “If I want to be judged by fake ass people, I’ll just go over to some of our family’s house. At lease they know me.” Of course he doesn’t see my reasoning. But I guess when you drink and go to the strip clubs or steppers’ set Saturday and praising and sanctifying on Sundays, he is included in the “fake ass” category.

At least I’m honest with mine.

He who is without sin cast the first stone.

*throws stone*

Hey the bible said the first. I’m just co-signing and throwing the second.

The girl is question is cool. Don’t get me wrong but she is really nice. Until she gets in on “Bible” rants. Got the nerve to be bumping gospel music on her My Space account and we all know My Space is the devil. Quotes Bible scriptures like rap lyrics. Sh*t I gotta Google and make sure it’s a real damn verse. Or call my grandma. You know she knows the Bible backwards and forward. Hell she’s an editor! Now my mother’s mother is the same only she is more a “countrified” way. And she’s quoting the Bible while cursing you out in the same sentence. Grammy don’t play!

But did I mention she has a child by a guy who has a girlfriend? But chile’ sugar don’t melt in her mouth.

Had the nerve to twist her mouth one day and told me I was living in “sin” with my boyfriend because we’re not married and have “marital acts”.

I had to arch an eyebrow at her ass. So I pointed to her belly and was like, “So….That’s some immaculate conception right there huh? So you’re about to give birth to the Second Coming right?”
Bitch please.

Fake ass Christian.

I hope she doesn’t raise her daughter so strict because after she strayed from the flock and got knocked she locks the coochie up lock stock and barrel. Spend all her time working and going to church and then try to force her daughter to become a Bible Thumper but her daughter turns into a stereotypical “preacher’s daughter” *aka FREAK* and she walks around church like her sh*t don’t stink never mind the fact her daughter had 3 kids by 4 men before she is 20, all drug dealers, but she’s going to point out the choir director’s daughter who although she is having sex at least she don’t have 5 kids, graduated from high school and plan on entering a four year university in the fall.

But sugar doesn’t melt in her mouth.

So I know she’s eager for me to leave so she can continue to push her logics on everyone else. I see through all that Maybelline and I get a kick out of f*cking with her sometimes. Like I bring up her naval piercing and tattoo…Isn’t that in the Bible? Aren’t you destroying the flesh that God gave you? That sh*t gonna keep you out of Heaven girl! You better repent. Girl was your daughter conceived on a Sunday? Ain’t that the Lord’s Day? At least the boyfriend and I whom I’m living with sin in refrain until after Midnight on Sunday. Jeez girl have some respect for the Lawd. Hmmm you got Yolanda Adams on My Space and Young Joc as a ringtone. Hmmm

Yeah I know I’m ignorant but I get a kick out the sh*t. Just like that crazy ass 5% Percenter or whatever it’s called, the damn Jehovah Witnesses *Do DC even have them? I have yet to see one* and fanatic Christians---Don’t Push Religion On Me! I believe in God. I do attend church *when I get in the mood*. I read the Bible. While I haven’t gotten it memorized, I do know where most of the books are located. Hey you try flipping through the Bible looking for the Book of Zechariah in Church and by the time you find it you gotta flip to another book to find another verse so you’re just flipping though the book while everyone else is reading along with the preacher. And then finally someone leans over and let you read from their book, making you feel like the heathen church goer that you are. And doesn’t it seem like the preacher is directing all commentary towards you?

*silence*

Don’t act like I’m the only one!

So while I don’t have a problem with Christians, it’s the “fake” ones that irk me. That and the “non-saved” ones. The ones who are continuing to wallow in sin yet claim they “saved”. You smoke weed but you won’t drink because you’re “saved”. You will call someone everything but a child of God but he or she is lucky you’re not going to whoop that ass because you’re “saved”. Got re-baptized but you still f*cking with dude and he’s married yet because you’re baptize that “saves” you from the damnation of hell.

Folks would be getting baptized every day if that was the case. Yours truly included. Hell I’ll bath in holy water. I’ll get a Holy Water Filter installed and everything if that was the case.

Is that how it is when you’re Catholic? Go into the confessional, recite your sins, the priest forgives you, and you go back out and do some f*cked up sh*t because you know you can come back on Sunday and just re-confess the same sins?

If it wasn’t for the priest touching on every damn body I always wanted to go to a Catholic church and go to confessional. Some times I bug the hell out of my boyfriend because he’s Catholic *oh you know I’ve already roasted his ass to death, I’m like sh*t you should pretend some priest touched you too so you can have a real nice come-up….’Cuz you know some of them folks are lying like a motherf*cker. So this priest has been touching you since what age…10 months? 13 millions for the plaintiff* but he refuses to let me attend a service with him.

We know Black people are hardly taking a vow of celibacy for the Lawd. Hell they’re not going to be touching on little kids…Best believe they’re sleeping with someone grown in the congregation or someone out in the streets. I mean there are some sick Black men/women of the cloth but at least they hit you up when you’re a real teenager and not a damn pre-teen!

Hell I’ll take a 1 hour mass over a 7 hr service *and longer on 1st Sunday* any day. Although I will miss the Holy Ghost Dance.

I definitely need to cleanse myself from all the sinful thoughts I have daily.

Like, finally, the weather breaks here *of course it’s hot and humid as f*ck now* and this sexy man was running with the dukes and no shirt on. I was straight slobbing. He was a little sweaty but nothing a shower won’t fix.

Then the Heath Inspector stopped by the job and my girl and I damn near broke our necks looking. He was sexy as hell. I was like damn he can come inspect my kitchen any time if you know what I mean. He could have gotten it 3 times in the Bathroom on my lunch break. And when he walked past again, we straight ignored who ever we were talking to. My girl even told the lady to step aside because she was blocking the view! You know I died laughing but not too much because when I laugh too much I close my eyes and I needed to eye molest him for a few more seconds.

He had a big ass too.

Sorry I look at mens’ asses. Is that sick? A guy I knew told me I was sick because I look at guy’s asses. I was told that is not sexy as guys don’t want anyone gushing over their asses. It’s a little, well, homo. I mean I don’t be like, “Damn you got a fat ass! Aye boy come here and let me holla!” I guess that’s the “guy” part of me who will eyeball a nigga’s ass like it is candy. I will just let loose a low “dammnnnnn” or two. I mean his ass can’t be bigger than mine *for some reason I think “gay” when I see a dude whose ass is too big for his own good* but I don’t want a little flat ass either. Sh*t you got to have something for me to wrap my legs around. I need something to rest my feet on. But again not too big. Then I’m watching for a switch. And if you sashaying down the street then I know you play for the other team. And trust, he can have that booty. I have enough nightmares due to my conversation with my gay pal G and trust he has TMI for days.

Ok I’m done with my crazy ramblings. I’m trying to get invited to somebody’s BBQ for the 4th since I’m stuck in DC due to work.

Please spare me with the Black Folks versus the 4th of July. I don’t celebrate the actual day as I can give two sh*t about America. They sure don’t care about us. But I will, however, celebrate for the folks who celebrate by coming to eat up all their damn food. I will celebrate the BBQs as I love to eat. My family BBQ for every damn holiday. Saint Patrick’s Day? BBQ. Flag Day? BBQ. Rosh Hashanah? Well…we Fish Fry.