I Should Really Stay Out This One...

Ok so why did my dentist try to kill me today?

I mean technically it was sorta kinda my fault but still a sister was about to choke to death. It’s bad enough he had like 5 instruments in my mouth and you know I’m not used to having that much in my mouth *lol* and then he’s asking me like 10 millions questions like I can really answer him even though you know my goofy ass was gurgling answers.

So he’s filling in a cavities *boo* so my smile can stay on shine and I guess a bit of the fillings got on my tongue. I felt the damn thing and although I tried not to swallow the damn thing reflex made me swallow *don’t be thinking I just be swallowing everything* and I started coughing. Freaked me and him out considering I was giving him hand signals yet he was still drilling away. And you know my mouth was super numb from the Novocain so he could’ve drilled a hole in my damn gums or something. I mean damn when I start waving my hands around that means stop! Then the technician didn’t make it any better, she started using the damn hose on me, causing me to choke more. My life flashed before my eyes. I thought, Aint this a b*tch? Death by choking, And not on a pork chop at that. And I also realized one of my cousins still owe me $20 from two years ago.

In fact, I’m about to call him now.

I know it seems like I have hit the dentist hella times but a sister has not been to the dentist sad to say in years. And if I expect to keep my award winning smile I have to have some work done. Nothing major just a few fillings and a cleaning. I just didn’t want it all at the same time due to work. Can’t be working sounding like I ate some cotton balls or something.

Although after choking I did leave looking Bubba Gump-ish. A guy even asked me why I was pouting. I’m like I’m not pouting that’s the damn Novocain producing the Angelina’s lips. Besides I couldn’t tuck the sh*t in even if I wanted. I make sure he always gives me a little “extra”. *lol* Me being a dope fiend off of Novocain. But hey I’m a wimp when it comes to pain.

It was so hot outside today I wanted to slap someone. I mean damn 95 degrees? I was dying walking down the street. Then I had to do my bi-weekly cleaning of the apartment. I made sure the air conditioner was put to some use.

I was bored after doing that so I decided to take a drive. Yeah I dragged my ass behind the wheel and went to Wal-Mart. Granted it’s not a Super Wal-Mart but it had been too long since I have hit up “my” store. I guess Wal-Mart is not a big thing in this area. They are everywhere in Illinois. Hell it’s one down the street from my mother’s house.

My boyfriend’s family reunion is in Detroit this year and awww I am invited. I promise I’ll behave. His family is a little on the bougie side. I mean they have catered events *among other things*. Hell in my family my uncle’s cooking is considered “catered” because he brings it from his house to wherever we are having the function. Of course said function has to be in the vicinity of a liquor store but that’s another story. Hell you know you can't eat everyone's potato salad. We're at the table like, "Who made this? Ummmpt you know I don't mess with her cooking..."

Oh yeah like I said, I tapped that ass in bowling last night. Had to send him on his way licking his wounds and sh*t. Oh you know I had to rub it in since he was talking big sh*t before the game. *sigh* Men and competition.

Then there was this car in the parking lot that was trailing these two cats. When I first saw the car I thought the driver was on some sadist sh*t and you know I was about to be all over that. I thought he was trying to run over the kitties which were cute as hell. But apparently the guy was just trailing the cats *I’m going to assume they were his* and when the cats got tired, they hopped in the car and the guy drove off.

Alexandria has some weird residents. The only exercise my lazy ass cat gets in when he walks from the bedroom to his food dish. I wish I would put his furry ass in my car for a drive. He already acts like a damn dog as it is I am not trying to encourage his behavior.

And the ball is in motion for my trip back to Chicago. I’m actually going to buy the ticket early and everything. I can’t wait to touch down in the city. I wanted to go to Atlanta for my boyfriend’s family reunion *mother’s side* but my “old” job is being a baby about time off. I’m like “Damn excuse me for being young and having the means to travel” but of course I can’t say that. One write up is all that’s needed to void my transfer so for the next couple of weeks I’m going to have to really try to bite my tongue.

Already it’s gotten through the circuits that I’m leaving. I’ve been getting random phone calls all day. I’m like, “One how did you get my number and two why are you calling me before nine?” Folks are speculating my leave with it being everything from me being knocked up to “creative differences”. I’m like, “Damn I’m just tired of the bullsh*t politics here. Can a sister transfer in peace?” Some folks are probably applauding my departure.

I also received an email from an old friend in high school. I guess it’s a good thing that I have had the same Hotmail and Yahoo account since high school, hence the lame ass name *lol* Hey I couldn’t think of anything at the time so sue me. Blame TV. I’ve kept in touch with her cousin via FaceBook but I never got a chance to call her like I said I was. Hey everyone knows I am bad when it comes to calling folks on my end or returning phone calls. It’s been two weeks and counting since my godson’s mother called and I have yet to call her back. She just want to curse me out for “forgetting” to call her for her birthday but I guess when she finally gets around to checking her voicemail she’ll zip her lip. This girl is so bad at checking her voicemail, I know she has some that are reaching that 30 day limit. At least I check my voicemail every night sheesh.

So we’re chatting via IM about life. I found she is married to her high school sweetie who I was cool with in high school. B*tch done popped out her second shorty. I told her about them West Indies niggas. Have her ass dropping a load every six months, b*tch just permanently pregnant and sh*t. So she gets tired of chatting and calls me. And since I have Verizon and so do she, I pick up *lol* Hell it’s hard to find Verizon subscribers, I gotta hold on to the ones that I do know. Muthaf*ckers acting like they too good for Verizon but Nextel got sh*tter since hooking up with Sprint plus they too damn expensive. I wish I would pay $400 for a damn phone. That sh*t better come with a matching outfit and some shoes. Plus I can still b*tch with Verizon and they actually do something. Sprint, oh them, they just cut your sh*t off. Their agents are like, “F*ck you mean you not paying sh*t this month until you see results? Oh ok, we got you. Aye cut her sh*t off”. Sh*t disconnect right in the middle of your conversation. I mean Verizon has its problems but I can chat on the train with my phone.

So we’re talking, basically catching up because I haven’t talked to her since she had her first child, a boy, almost five years ago, and she’s telling me about the new baby, a girl, so I make a crack about her or something and she just bust into tears.

Scared the hell out of me! I almost drop my phone because one minute she’s laughing and the next minute she’s bawling her eyes out.

Through her incoherent words I hear that she’s unhappy in her marriage and she’s tired of having kids. In fact she thinks she’s pregnant again and she doesn’t want it and of course what do I think she should do? At this point I’m thinking her husband can’t breathe on me let alone touch me for fear of being pregnant. I don’t know how I will be able to explain this one to folks. I mean he must have that Bull’s-eye sperm to be hitting the jackpot every time. I mean damn sperm just scuba diving for eggs and sh*t.

I’m also thinking I need to just open an advice column or something. Ask Tenacious or something. I mean damn I am not the best advice giver in the world. I am a very good listener but I feel when it comes to advice, I am the worst. Primarily because it is never followed. I tell folks don’t confuse me being blunt and honest with giving out advice. Don’t ask what I would do because we all know I am different from you and would go about the situation in probably a different way. I don’t mind giving it out but I feel that if you’re honestly not going to follow it, I’m not going to waste my breathe. Besides I hate to say “I told you so”. Ok well sometimes I do but that’s beside the point.

So I listen to her as she mentions all this stuff that I never knew. Now dude is a good dude. He’s in school and he works a full time job. Never cheated. An excellent provider for her and the kids and the fact that he married his “baby momma” is a plus nowadays. Hell she’s describing him, I’m like, “Now why didn’t I hook up with him in high school?” But then again he seems like he have an abnormally large sperm count. I could be in the position she’s in now.

Basically she’s bored and she feels that she has squandered her youth being with him and she is overwhelmed by the “married” life. She loves him and she love her children but she feels like she is suffocating sometimes. And he keeps talking about “more” kids and she feels like throwing herself in front of a bus *her words* than have another child. I did have to point out that the CTA is notoriously slow so she’s going to have to invest a lot of time in scheduling a bus that is going to come alone at the right time. Besides the CTA buses are so raggedly they’re like a tire away from falling apart.

Of course I asked her have she bought this to her husband’s attention about her thoughts and of course she said “No”. So I’m like “Well why are you telling me this…You should be talking to him about this…”

DH *Desperate Housewife is now her alias*: Well I know you would understand…

ME: But I’m not married. I don’t have any children. Nor do I feel like throwing my self in front of a bus.

DH: You always give me good advice…

*silence*

ME: Just because I talked you out of buying that dress Senior Year do not mean I am a good advice giver. I think that if you’re genuinely unhappy and you feel like this your husband should be the first person you talk to. I am the wrong person as I can not relate to this one. I can feel where you coming from, the “trapped” feeling, but I don’t have a ring that ties me to anyone.

DH: *crying again* I feel stupid talking to [husband’s name] because I seem dumb. I mean I can see if he was a crappy husband, a lousy provider or something that gives me a justification to want to get out this marriage but he is a great husband, he does provide for us. What do you think I should do?

She went on to cry a little more but I told her to talk to her husband about her feelings and then call me later. Was I callous? I felt bad after getting off the phone because of my nonchalant attitude but at the same time tears annoy me. It’s hard for me to talk when you’re crying into the phone and I can’t understand half of what the person is saying.

Besides this is a husband not a boyfriend. I don’t want her to f*ck around and end up in divorce court f*cking with me. Besides I know her husband and from what I remember he has always been a great guy. She admits that he is a great guy. Besides I think there’s more to this story than meets the eye. You don’t just wake up one day and decide you’re suddenly “unhappy” with your life. You must have felt this way for a while and just ignored it until it became too late. I think she was unhappy from jump but just felt “stuck”. And now she realize that being a young wife with two small children is more than what she signed up for. I try to stay out of relationship advice as what works for the goose doesn’t always work for the gander. After she calms down and hopefully talk to her husband, then I will form an opinion. Besides like I suspect there’s more to this story than she lets on. I don’t want to be super nosy and call her cousin *I know she knows all the dirt* but I don’t want to jump right into giving advice considering we just got in contact with one another and a lot has changed since high school. I had broken up with JDUBB, finished my first year of college plus I was with my current boyfriend and we were just getting serious the last time we talked. I’m talking about frat parties and she’s talking about nursing bras.

But as always I will keep everyone posted I told her to call me tomorrow when she gets off of work.

Something tells me though that she did not talk to her husband and she’s waiting for me to tell her to get a divorce or something. I did tell her to invest in some damn birth control though. Just because he wants to bust a nut in you every night does not mean you can’t shield your damn eggs for the time being. I mean even if you have to sneak a pill every day do something until you get your feelings resolved. And for god’s sake, take a test! Stop swimming down that river of denial and check to see if he succeeded in producing baby number three.

I don’t know everyone.

*sigh*

I need to start sending my resume off to The Washington Post. Maybe they’re looking for an urban sister who “keeps it real”.