Adventures At The Zoo

I was feeling listless and bored so after work Monday, I decided I wanted to go to the zoo. It was 75 degrees outside and I was feeling too good to go in the house and mope around. So when CUTIE called while I was on lunch, he agreed to take me to the zoo.

CUTIE is still a little leery of me but I think he's warming up to my crazy ways. He's taking the punches I throw like a champ with only minimum ducking. He will just have to get used to my aggressive ways.

Now after being nice enough to park my car correctly, we hit the road. Instantly, I'm nervous because he drives like a DCer--very aggressive. I'm just not into the bo-guarding, sudden stops and U-turns and cutting in front of Metro buses. I was breaking into a mini-sweat and wished for the 80th time that we had taken the Metro. When he got too close to the guardrails trying to cut in front of someone, I was ready to jump out the car and into the Potomac. He has a little road rage too. A taxi cut him off and he sped up just to flip the driver the bird and threaten his life.

Now The National Zoo is a pretty ass zoo don't get me wrong. It's nice and big and almost has the appearance of a park. But the animals are some of the saddest looking animals I've ever seen. They all have that "Please put me out my misery" look about them. Just be looking pitiful as hell. I left my trusty camera at home otherwise I would show you their woeful expressions. They were just sad. Like they knew they were stuck in their current situation and it was nothing they could do about it. Glum ass animals.

And the zoo really doesn't believe in a lot of barriers. Sure some of the animals are properly secured but for the most part I didn't see what was stopping the cheetahs from hopping over that pitiful ass pond to maul a muthaf*cker. For some exhibits, it was literally the low ass guardrail and some bushes that separated us from them. And not an animal trainer in sight. They even had this contraption where the monkeys could swing from over our heads with the claim that it's a "low voltage" area on the contraption that deters them from escaping. Sh*ttt the way those animals were looking, I'm sure one or two monkeys woulda kamikazed it and got down to the grounds. I guess a monkey tried to do it because we were told they were on "lock down" in their exhibit until further notice. They were looking at us like "Help...Me!!"

Of course the animals' houses stank. Rank as f*ck. Especially the monkey house. I had to hold my nose walking through that bad boy. Most of the animals were disinterested in us anyway because apparently it was feeding time. The tigers were patiently pacing in front of the door for their meal. Sh*t you couldn't pay me enough to feed those damn animals. Damn that rubbing the lion cubs and sh*t while the parents watch on...sh*t I watch Animal Planet. I know what the f*ck a lion can do to your ass. Will maul the sh*t out your ass before anyone could shoot it down. Damn that. Animals are smart as hell. They patiently waiting yall. Viva la Revolution! (Or however you say it)

I have a fear of birds. Well pigeons to be exact. We're looking at some of the pretty (safe) birds and decided to hit the Bird House. Now why did we do that? As soon as I walked in the door because it was like an enclosed conservatory, a f*cking bird swooped down on my ass. Like the Black Person I am...I freaks the f*ck out. I'm already busting through the door, leaving CUTIE, the Tour Guide, and random people looking at me like I'm crazy. No amount of assurance that the birds are harmless from the Tour Guide could convince me to walk back in there. Sh*t they could have bird flu! And the f*cker swooped at me on purpose. Then started singing. Probably was f*cking laughing. Then we're leaving (CUTIE hiding a smile) and we have to walk past the Cranes exhibit. The aggressive cranes. The cranes that tried to f*ck up the gate when they saw us. They all kind of turned their eye to us and flew at the gate. Startled the sh*t out of us so we hauled ass (me about 10 feet in front of him already..In a horror movie you know CUTIE woulda been dead f*cking around with me). Killing part--The exhibit was not a cage. It was basically an enclosed space. F*ckers coulda just flew over the gate and f*cked our black asses up.

Then we hit the Amazonian Rain Forest exhibit and they have a sign that stated, "Animals are free to roam this exhibit." Why did a little monkey hop to another tree in front of me? I screamed, causing some little kids to scream and start crying. Dirty looks from all the parents followed. Yet another Guide told me the monkeys are not dangerous. Yeah...they said the same thing about the little monkey from Outbreak. CUTIE was just laughing at me all day.

We look at a few more exhibits without incident and he gave me a piggy back ride all the way back to the car. We go back to his neck of the woods, Uptown to Georgia Ave. Now he's telling me how gully his neighborhood is but to me it looks like any part of Chicago. You got that one block that is really good and then the next block could be really bad. Neighborhood couldn't have been that bad if Lexus, BMWs, Jags and White People are living there. Yeah I saw a few abandoned houses, a couple of crack heads, and of course the ghetto grocery store but he made it seem like Drive-By Central. Besides a White, Gay couple who drives a nice ass BMW truck is his next door neighbors. Yeah...how "hood" is that? So his mother is at home and I instantly tense up because I ain't trying to meet anyone's mother. Hell he ain't my man! I don't want her to think we're serious or something. But his mother was cool.

Then...Get this:

He rolled a blunt dead in front of his mother and they proceeded to smoke together?! WTF? My moms are never that cool to smoke some dope with me like it's nothing. My mother doesn't drink or do drugs. One wine cooler and she's gone. Apparently he smokes with his mom all the time. I was a little uncomfortable because I'm not a smoker and I guess I got a little high off the contact because I started getting the giggles.

His mother then asks me to her birthday party on Saturday talkin' 'bout "It's going to be wild. We popping bottles and having strippers". She sold me on the strippers. Who can turn down a stripper named White Chocolate? Then we went out to eat and talked some more. Well he talked and I listened. He's a really sweet guy. The weed thing kind of turned me off but he's still cool. I did have to warn him to not catch any real feelings for me because I have a boyfriend and we would never work out. He seemed cool with it, but you never know. I mean he's offering to get my nails and hair done and keep the car full of gas and hey with gas prices @ $3.00 he better quit playing. Damn the nails and hair...sh*t he had me at "I'd make sure your gas tank is always filled". Music to my ears.

*LOL*

I ended the date because I was getting sleepy and by this time it was almost 11 pm and I had to get up for work, so he dropped me off at home and I threw myself in the bed, smelling like weed and outside. I was too lazy to shower. So sue me.