Another Dilemma

So yesterday before I went to bed, I was on Face Book (as usual) looking at my friends' updated profiles and albums, when I get a note from a "friend" out the blue. I haven't talk to this "friend" in a year. In fact, I haven't seen him in a year. So we're just chatting on AIM (yeah I finally logged on because we got tired of sending Face Book messages to each other back and forth), catching up with each other lives and what nots, when out the blue comes THE QUESTION:

Him: Hey T-Bird, how come we never, you know, hooked up?

*silence*

*cricket chirping*

WHAT?

He then hit me with this:

Him: I mean I've been digging you for a long time but you've always had a man. I didn't want to disrespect that because [boyfriend's name] is real cool and you look happy when you're with him. Plus I see you as a good friend. I didn't want to ruin the friendship by coming at you wrong. I know how you are lololol. But yeah, I'm feeling you. I be looking at your pictures and be like, "Damn I wish you were mine".

*silence again*

Say WHAT again?

Him: Sometimes it's to the point where I don't care if you're with [boyfriend's name]. I remember when you used to come by the crib and we'd go to sleep and I would want to just...And our little dance-offs where you would grind on me used to put dirty thoughts in my head. So what I'm getting at is what's good?

I guess he figured that was too much for me to handle (considering I had yet to give a reply) so he told me he would just holler at me later and signed off.

My initial reaction, of course, was shock. I never thought he felt that way about me. I mean I had no signs, clues, hell smoke signals nothing what-so-ever and I've gotten pretty good at picking up when a male friend sees me in a "more than friend" light. This guy and I used to be so tight. We would study together, chill together, go out to eat, sleep over each other's crib, and of course he was my dance partner at all the campus house parties because he got some serious dance moves. Hell we threw back shots together most of the time and ended up sloppy in the same room. We were each other "hype man" when drunk. He's seen good ol' after the after party Tenacious—the HARSH morning breathe, clothes all twisted, hair all over my head, "where am I”, “where's my shoes", and "how did I end up in the bathroom" Tenacious. Not too many men can claim that (not that they would want to...lol). Where this all came from I have no idea considering we were discussing his career and my plans to attend Graduate School. At first, I thought he was joking. Something tell me he was not playing. He was serious as an f*cking heart attack.

Then...I was pissed. Yes…pissed. Pissed because, well, I always kind of wanted to sleep with him. I’ve always had a mini-crush on him but I didn’t want to be a hypocrite by getting close to him by “pretending” to be his friend when I really just want to jump his bones. My curiosity really peaked when I got a “feel” of what he’s possibly working with and while I've always wanted to sample the merchandise, he would always kind of play me to the left. He gave me that “I have no sexual interest in you what-so-ever” vibe and it’s not like he was lacking in female affection because he always had some random female. Hell, he would tell me about his conquests. We would dance and I know he was holding back a little (mainly to my thoughts on feeling a poke in the booty while dancing—Big No No) and although we would sleep in the same bed, he would always make an effort to put a pillow between us (even though we both knew that as a confessed Bed Hog that damn pillow wasn't stopping me from moving all over the bed). So eventually I gave up and just settled on being "just his girl". His Road Dawg. You know that really cool female. I mean, I have a boyfriend right? We were past the 6 months rule. He was officially my boyfriend. Our sex life was (and still is) on point. So I shouldn't even be entertaining these thoughts right?

The last thing I need in my life is a torrid love affair. Someone is going to get hurt in the end. I damn sure don’t want it to be me. I don't want it to be my boyfriend. And I don't want it to be him either because I value our friendship. We haven't been talked lately due to my impending graduation (at the time), preparing to move to DC, our friends' untimely death, and his career as a Financial Analyst jumping off but we are still friends. We talked on my B-Day last year and he was going to come to Champaign to kick it but that fell through.

This revelation blew me. I don’t know what to say and think. Usually I’m the smart ass with an answer to everything.

Now...I don't know.

I want to be his friend but knowing he have desire for me and I still carry a bit of desire for him...I don't think it will go well. Especially since a part of me is touched that he carries a flame for me. I thought he didn’t just find me physically attractive or something. It’s just that feeling that someone else desires me in the same way that my boyfriend does that makes me tingle. Now the old Tenacious would not have gave a damn to be honest. I woulda went, did the damn thang, and came home like nothing happened. That’s what happened the last time my impulsiveness took hold and eventually got me trouble and almost broke up my relationship. Bad thing was that I wasn’t going to tell my boyfriend about it but this friend convinced me to do the right thing and confess my infidelity. He knew the guy well and everything. He was pissed when I told him but now I don't know if he was mad because I cheated on my boyfriend or I cheated with my boyfriend with someone other than him. Know what I'm saying?

Usually I have a pretty good idea when it comes to a situation like this because I usually can see it coming. I did not see this one coming. I used to wonder what it would be like to go with this friend because we are similar. But I used to brush it off because I'm like "Nah. He doesn’t like me like that". He's the type of dude that if you would prance around in your underwear around him, he would avert his eyes and tells you to put on some clothes. We would play WWE and he would not grab me around my waist. We would get sloppy and you know how your lips get when you're gone off that oil and he never even mentioned anything sexual.

I'm not stressing...But now my curiosity has been reignited.

Damn Damn Damn!!!

I need a drink.