Confession.....

I have a confession...I am a horrible driver. *wipes forehead* Whew...Glad I got that out the way. Others may disagree with me but I know me. I am a notoriously bad driver. I speed, run various stop signs and traffic light, run over small children...That type of thing. It's like I have a heavy foot and it's always pressing down on the gas urging me to go 65 mph in a 20 mph zone.

The even craziest thing is...I have never received a ticket.

Ever.

I know the cops see me...I just know it. Hell I ran a stop sign in front of a police car! What did that cop do? Apparently enjoy the rest of the doughnut he was eating because he did not move from that spot. I am like a crackhead scoping for a rock when it comes to the police. That should let you know I'm never up to any good because I stay with the "hawk eye" when it comes to the police...I'm always in the mirror looking for them, checking the side streets, busy streets, and expressways(They like to hide in the corners or in the bushes on Route 66) and when I' confident that they are not around...My Fast and The Furious personality comes out.

How fast can you really go in an Camry? Pretty damn fast, at least to me. I warn everyone who hops in the car with me (and besides my boyfriend not too many folks are willing to hop in while I am behind the wheel) to belt up because it's going to be a ride. I make a 30 minute ride into a 15 minute ride- easily. My own father (and this another reason we don't get along) refused to teach me how to drive so I had to go to driving school.

That poor white man.

Let's just say I almost caused about three fatal collusion and gave him about 50 heart attacks in the four months I was with him. I know he drank after every session...I just know it. I was turning down one-way streets, making left turns when I was in the furthermost right lane, speeding through lights, and just a host of other bad ass moves. Of course I improved but the speeding did not. I failed my driver's test two times because I was driving over the speed limit.

And get this: I did not even get my license until I was 21 *dead silence*

Yes, I was an old bitch getting my license. Now we're not going to talk about my illegal driving years but after getting ragged on *waits for audience to stop ragging on me* for x amount of years, I decided to go ahead and "make it legal". Now I thought my driving was fine but when it was time to do the "Rules of the Road" version of driving, I found out I sucked. I did not follow a rule out of that book...I broke so many I was nervous that I would not make it.

Let me say now that I hate the DMV in Champaign and I hope someone burn the shit to the ground. First, there's only one DMV in that whole town and everyone has to pass through it. Two, they are racist as hell. Like 1950's Jim Crow racist. This bitch let a white woman go in front of me (Bitch was older than Jesus by who the fuck cares...I was there in line for 45 minutes) and then promptly ignored me when she finished helping the old bag. Let's just say the outcome of that situation was me getting put out. Third, they ask you every single fucking question in the world. You go there for a change of address and muthafuckers wanna ask you 15 million questions, like "Why are you changing the address" (Duh, because I'm moving), "This is a Chicago address" (Duh because my permanent address is in Chicago...I only go to school here lady), and the killing one that usually get my eye twitching and my skin turns green, "We need an ID to verify that this ID is your ID" *silence* Yes they asked me that and needless to say...Another escorted walk out the door.

I think it is a job qualification at the DMV to work people's nerves and to see how pissed you can get them. They ask the dumbest fucking questions and really expect an answer. And don't let me get on the Asians. Any given day your ass would go in there and there's 45 Asians...Half who don't speak one word of English, the other half are their translators...And they're trying to get a Driver's License. So that's 45 minutes for every person because the fuckers behind the desk asks the standard on top of the dumb ass questions, have to inspect passports and visas, make phone calls, ask more questions, talk to the translator about shit that don't have anything to do with the task at hand and then give them the materials for the written test, let the complete that and put them in line for the driver's test.

How are you going to take a driver's test and you don't understand not one lick of English? I know some of them muthafuckers are lying...They understand English but when I walk in the DMV and see more than 5 of them...I walk out before I am escorted out.

So I failed my driver's test two times because of speed. Because apparently I went over the speed limit by 3. Yes, I was going 33 in a 30 mph zone and I failed yet the same Asian muthafucker in front of me who didn't understand one word of English passed. Ummm yeah...Pissed was not the word! Racist fuckers...Can you even compute 3 mph on the speedometer? I couldn't stand her anyway..Who the hell told you that you can roll down my windows? Bitch it's 95 degrees out and you playing with me. You know how Black people get when we're hot. Just be angry as hell. I was going to throw her ass out the car.

I got my license on the third try and lo and behold, two weeks later I got in a car wreck. Flipped a damn Enterprise rental car over on the expressway...I am lucky to be alive. How the fuck you flip a car over on the expressway you might be asking and walked away from it?

Trying to turn off the damn stereo.

*pause* It was one of those turnstile thingies...I ain't used to those! Over the 4th of July weekend, I was still in Champaign and was on route via I-57 on my way to Chicago to attend the Taste. Tried to turn off the radio, swerved, spun in a circle, went into the ditch and the car flipped over. The killing part...I was going 45 mph (speed limit is 60 mph). I joke about it now but I was scared as fuck. Scared that some one else was going to run into me (namely the semi trucks that I had passed up) and that I was going to die. That car flipped over and my life passed before my eyes.


A few months before that, two of my close friends were killed on that same expressway (I-57). Them and a friend were trying to get back to Chicago because they had to go to work...It was late (after 5am) and everyone had just came from partying and drinking. Apparently someone fell asleep behind the wheel and drifted into southbound traffic and hit another vehicle head on. No one in their car survived and only one of the three from the other car survived. This is continuing to mess me up. One of my friends was in medical school and due to graduate soon. I miss them everyday and I pray that they did not suffer...I pray their death was instant. I cried for two weeks straight, lost 5 lbs, and did not want to get in a car for weeks after their death. I did not want anyone out my sight. That's crazy...You see someone and the next hour they're gone from this earth. That struck a nerve with me because their death really told me that tomorrow is not promised today and when it's your time, it's your time. God does not have an age requirement.

Sorry for the emotions but my heart died when they died.

So when my car flipped over, I instantly thought of them. God really smiled down on me because a minute before the accident, I had put on my seat belt. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that seat belt. I wear that damn thing faithfully now. The passenger and driver's side was smashed, all the windows shattered, and the driver side was crumpled up...Yeah that Dodge was fucked up. Me being the paranoid bastard that I am instantly thought the car was going to blow up...So I unbuckled the seat belt and crawled through the back window. I watch too many action movies as you can see.

Now people had stopped and a nice woman comforted me because I was beyond hysterical. I was freaking out because 1) It was a rental. 2) My clothes were still in the car. 3) I came close to meeting my maker. Now the funniest thing out the situation was when the ambulance, fire truck, and officer got to the scene. They all just got out their respective vehicles and ran straight to the car. When puzzled why they did not see a person everyone pointed to me and they all bugged the fuck out. "How did you get out the car?" was their main question and when I told them how, a fireman was like, "There's no way you should have been able to get out that car and walk away with just a scratch". The Lord works in mysterious ways. They wanted to take me in but besides being a little shaken, I refused.

The officer wrote me a warning. I was happy...No ticket for me. I called my father and being the ass that he can be, he gone tell me he's "at work" and he'll get away when he can. WTF? Your only child was almost smashed in an accident and that doesn't qualify as "Get your ass here, like, yesterday"? Yeah...We didn't talk for a long time after that. In fact, I still don't talk to him like that. Thank God for my boyfriend. I called him crying and lo and behold 20 minutes later, he was there with open arms. He drove 90 miles in 20 minutes...I kid you not. He saw the car and freaked out. He drove me the rest of the way to Chicago with my mother blowing up my phone every 10 minutes (By this time, I had called my mom and of course it went through the family like wildfire) wondering about me and crying. My mother does not cry. Period.

After being poked, prodded, and bombarded with questions...Oh yes the whole family was there when I made it to my moms...The jokes began. And have not stopped yet. That's how my family is. And yes...I bought the Enterprise insurance. That insurance came in handy...I know I'm banned from Enterprise though. My total bill : $36.42. For three hours of having their car, wrecking it, and towing it came out to less than my monthly cell phone bill. Later on, I answered their insurance company's questions but because I bought the insurance...Enterprise sucked up that Dodge as a loss. I really like Enterprise too. I'm probably on their "Do Not Rent-Bitch Wreck Cars" list.

Sad to say, after my accident, I did not get behind the wheel again. Psychological, yes. I am terrified of getting on the expressway, I break out in a sweat if someone is going too fast or I think the car is swerving (and this is from a former speed demon), and I am ready to jump out the car if we're too close to a semi-truck. People say it's just because of the accident and I'll get behind the wheel but besides backing the car out, I have not hopped behind the wheel since July 1, 2005. I did drive for a little bit in August but I got so flustered I pulled over and started crying...I had to get my best friend to come and get me, but I have not drove again..Until Sunday. I got behind the wheel (with my boyfriend supervising) and I drove around for an hour. I was scared as hell and hugged that brake every rip but slowly I am facing my fears. I have to..DC doesn't have many residential areas so I was on a busy street trying to go 20 mph...Yeah I got the bird a lot that day.

But I'm talking it one step at a time.

One day I'll be back to my reckless speeding self but until then...Granny Driving.

One day I'll be back on the expressway...One day....