"That's not Christian Like" is a new quote from my grandmother after my Aunt exclaimed that she would burn my Uncle's wife (Yeah his wife done pissed off the fam so she is in the realms of "she who is not named") clothes up after she threw my Uncle's things out after an argument. My Aunt is a "pseudo" Christian who makes a backslide into "heathentry" (Grandma's words) every once and a while...Like Saturday. My Aunt's words:
"Well since [my Uncle's name] is not a Christian, technically I'm helping "she who is not named" become a better Christian by helping her get rid of the material possession that is preventing her from being close to the Lawd. So, in a sense, I would be saving her from herself and the ass whooping she would have gotten from me...Had I not been a Christian"
*dead*
My family has some fucked up justifications, don't they? I love them all the same though.
Saturday was a pretty uneventful day. My flight was departing at 7:15 pm that night so I didn't have time to do as much as I wanted. I slept late and woke up at about 11 am I thought I had lost my nephew and turns out he was wrapped in covers on the floor...He fell out the reclining chair while he was asleep and like the heavy sleepers that we are, he did not wake up. Never mind the fact that I tore apart the house for 30 minutes...I thought it was an Amber Alert in the making. Never mind the fact that the doors/windows were locked, no signs of disturbance, I was convinced he was kidnapped! Now my mother had went out of town the night before and my aunt and grandmother went out shopping and while I do vaguely remember them waking me to tell me that, I could not find him.
I knew he wasn't with them and I know he's not crazy enough to play hide and seek with me because he has learned from experience that I do not find you. I play for like a minute and plop down in front of the t.v. until you emerge, tired as hell 2 hours later wondering how come I didn't "find" you. So I know he wasn't dumb enough to try that again *lol*
I worked myself up in a panic, envisioning my mother's fingers around my neck while the police fights her off of me for losing her grandbaby, so I did what I do naturally when I try to cover some shit up and I don't want to go down by myself...I called one of my best friends. She came by 10 minutes later, hollering and screaming how she "hated" me and how she would be so glad when I got my ass on the plane to leave because I woke her up from a good ass sleep (But you real best friends are ride and die...She'd be right next to me in the cell telling me how we fucked up...Yeah I got that same text-forward from all my friends...Don't they know that shit cost?!) and that's when she discovered his ass on the floor fast asleep. To say she was pissed would be an understatement. I tore apart that house for an half hour and she found him in less than two minutes. After calling me everything but a child of God, I convinced her to be my friend again by actually cooking breakfast.
She was a little hesitate considering my last efforts at cooking (I mean, medium well done burgers are good right? What's a little blood?) but I convinced her my skills was up...I mean I don't burn eggs anymore. I made some sausage, cheese eggs, rice, and biscuits....And surprisingly it was good! I don't eat eggs but they looked good and she did not have to run to the bathroom afterwards.
*Duh Duh Duh*
Ran into some of my exes (Damn it seems like my ass have had hella exes don't it?) and tried to run. No success.
One ex was a guy I got with shortly before getting with the main squeeze. He was a sweet guy by had no backbone. In fact, I started cheating with the main squeeze before I got rid of him. Another flaw: No stamina. Sorry, the ass was not up to my standards so needless to say we stopped having sex, hence the "side dip"- my current boyfriend (My ex could eat some coochie though, I will give that to him). Since he lives 4 blocks from me and he hangs with my brother sometimes, he just so happened to be in the neighborhood when I stopped by. I just feel bad sometimes because he always has this sad puppy dog look when I see him. He wanted to hold a deep conversation but considering the last real conversation I had with him had him outside my window drunk as hell declaring his love for me, I kept it short and simple.
Then walking to Osco, this other guy I was talking to pulled in front of me (or tried to run me over as I see it). I must have a homing device implanted in me because it never fails that I run into this nicca every single time I'm in town. I attract crazies in case you have not notice. "You attract yourself" or whatever that quote is. He grew crazed and bitter after I refused to bow to his 1950s standards of being in a relationship with him. This nicca actually typed up rules for being in a relationship with him and handed them to me like it was 50 million dollar contract. Needless to say, I could not follow 99 out of 100 of those bad boys. Now we started off as friends (he went to high school with my cousin) and when I came home for the summer freshman year, we would always go out. I mean we went out faithfully every Thursday and Friday. I guess that qualified him as being my man and since me and main squeeze were not at the "6 month" rule, I kinda led him to believe he could be my man (my mistake). We fell apart after his rules and regulations and he did not take kindly to my choice of words to describe him as a person.
This fool actually drove the 2 hours it takes to arrive at UIUC from Chicago and was waiting in my room when I came in drunk as a skunk from a Kappa party at 4 am. Quickly sober, I was shocked, scared, and then mad were my immediate reactions (after I saw he had no sharp instruments in his hand). He sweet-talked my best friend into letting him wait in our room and since her ass didn't sleep there anyway as she slept on the 4th floor every night with her boyfriend, I guess it was ok for him to kill me and dump my body in the nearest dumpster as long as my blood didn't get on her Mickey Mouse sheets. I guess the 14 times he called every hour did it for her and she figured if he killed me then at least he wouldn't call and disturb her. <--Umm yeah that was sarcasm and we had a long ass talk after that nigga got the boot. He came to my school to basically call me a "fucking bitch" and left. Crazy right?
But he stopped to tell me that he has found a woman who is "mature enough to be on his level". I send a prayer to that unfortunate soul. I was relieved esp. since he was the one who claimed he would run me down like the "low down dog" I am. <--I thought those words were reserved for trifling men. Hmmpt..Go figure.
I left from around my way and was on my way back to my grandmother's to retrieve my things when I ran into a guy that got the booty unintentionally. Yes, unintentionally. This fucker (I hate his ass so much) got me drunk and took advantage of me. *silence* Ok...Well technically I was the main one drinking and technically he did not force those Bacardi Lemon shots on me and ok ok technically I was aware enough to know what the hell was going on...But still...Bastard.
I turn into a hissing snake around him and I can not stop the instant venom that runs through my blood when I see him. His only saving factors (and I hate to fucking admit this): He is fine as hell. He is fiercely protective and will defend you. He can work it *shudder* But I can't stand him mainly because he is a smug bastard and he is mentally unstable. He is cute but crazy. He knew I could not stand his ass from Day 1. The first time we met, we got into it because his crazy ass rubbed me the wrong way and in the end, I called him a "Dirty Mexican" *sorry to insult all the Mexicans out there*. He went beserk! You would have thought I called his "gay" or his mother sucked some thang thang for the rent the way he reacted. That's how I knew he was crazy and learning my lesson from previous experiences, I kept my distance from him. Unfortunately, he took a "shining" to me and would always hang around, giving me this "We're made for each other, I love dark skinned women" line (although all of his exes are dark skinned...I think the bastard got a color complex) and always appearing out of no where whispering in my ear blowing my drinking high. Did I mention the bastard is a Kappa and a stereotypical one at that? All my friends would fall for his dumb ass lines-hook, line and sinker- and were always on me to *in nagging tone* "Be nice to him, Tenacious. He said all he wants to be is your friend and you treat him so cold. He told me he was sad when you walked out the door yesterday and went home when you saw him at [random friend's name] get-together. Girl, he's really a nice guy. Why you always gotta treat him like that? You so mean and spiteful. Give him a chance. He really is cool to kick it with"
I guess taking advantage of drunken women is what's hot out in the streets right now. I guess that's what women are looking for in "nice" men, huh?
*gag me with a spoon*
So after the drunken sex incident, he gives me this smug "I've had you and there's nothing you can do about it" look that drives me crazy! No matter how much I emphasis that he only got the booty after 6 double shots clouded my judgment, in his head, he hears "I want you". So every time I see him is his opportunity to try to get in my drawls again. No go. Chicago is a big city but it seems that if you live on the Southside, guarantee you will run into folks you know everywhere. I ran into this fucker at the McDonald's on 79th and Western...I will no longer darken their doors for this injustice. Why this fucker was in this McDonald's when he lives clear on the other side of town, I will never know.
Of course he did his little chuckle and "It must be fate" line. I ignored him. He asked for the 1000th time "When we're going to hook up". I told him, "When George Bush admits he's a fucking liar on national t.v....LIVE", grabbed my meal and skated out of there. Had to take another shower when I got to my grandmother's....I felt so dirty. I know it seems like I'm bitter or secretly sprung like my best friends' feeble mind think...But I will cut you with a dirty razor if you ever say those hurtful words to me. That is an insult to my vagina and all she stands for.
I need to branch my exes out of my immediate neighborhood. Damn "Don't Shit where You Eat" never seemed so real. Looking back, I have had hella exes. I am like a serial dater who has received *some* type of treatment. Damn my cute, flirty ways! Always getting me in trouble!
So after chilling with my grandmother, aunt and nephew for a little while, they dropped me off at Midway. Not only was ATAs line long as hell, there was only 2 workers at the computer...But 6 folks behind the desk. Don't you hate that? I had three security guards trying to hit on me and one held the line up just to ask for my number and peep me in my low-rise Se7ens. Since he was not really attractive (He did have nice, even WHITE teeth though) and the people behind were ready to beat the shit out of me...I kept it movin' shawty!
Of course my 7:15 pm flight was delayed for 45 minutes and of course I had to flirt with a cute guy who was on the same flight and of course it took forever to board and depart, but the flight was pretty uneventful. I was, how ever, cracking up at the gay male flight attendant who snapped his finger and did the "sista girl" neck thing to a passenger who was upset because they did not have personal bottles of water. Chile, he read her ass. I was highly amused the entire trip because he made it a point to ignore her the entire flight and even cut his eyes at her when she thought about it (Yes them muthafuckers have to save your life if the plane goes down) and tried to apologize.
A little bumpy landing and I was back in DC and away from the roving eyes of my exes. I waved to the cute guy and walked straight to the boyfriend's car and we went to IHOP where of course I had to tell him about the crazy folks I've had the displeasure of allowing to see me in various stages of undress. I secretly think he won't break up with me because he don't want to go crazy like the rest.
Yes People...Baby Diva Is Back In Chocolate City!
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