Why did my nutty ass ex-boyfriend call me today with a revelation: He can find me though Google Earth. If you're not familiar with Google Earth: Read The Title. It. Makes. Stalking. Easier. Some genius over at the Google Lab decided to create a program that's similar to Map Quest...Only cooler and more accurate. Fucking Map Quest is so damn unreliable. I have gone miles out of my way and lost thanks to going miles out of my way. I have ran out of gas looking for an address. I've even gotten a flat tire relying on Map Quest. Knowing DC is confusing, I have given up relying on Map Quest to get me to the nearest Taco Bell and random clubs (Yes I Map Quest for food...Do you know how confusing some of these streets are? They become new streets, expressways, hell some become sudden dead ends) so I either get lost or take a scenic trip through DC (not some neighborhoods though...I ain't getting my Camry jacked!)
So...Back to Google Earth. It's really cool though. If you type in an address, city, or country it gives you an pretty astonishing aerial view of the area. The directions are a little more accurate because you know what the hell you're looking for. So if you're driving through a damn forest...And you really should be riding through plains...Umm yeah...You're in the wrong direction. I can even see my old neighborhood (minus the crackheads) thanks to Google Earth. Bad thing is...If anyone has your address, they can get a pretty good idea on what your place looks likes.
So my crazy ex...He is a mentally unstable dude. See when we were together I saw peeks of his insanity but I waved it off. Anyone who has ever been with a crazy ass person know that person is crazy...We just choose to ignore the signs until it is too late. When his eye used to randomly twitch...Oh it was just the sun in his eye. When he would blow up because I didn't call him right right back...Oh he had a bad day at work. When the bastard got me kicked out the movie theater...Now that muthafucker WAS crazy. Do you know that fool followed my best friend and I the whole day. The entire day. Now I went with this guy in high school. We were together for a year and a half (my entire junior year and half of my senior year) and I swear he was crazy for a year of it. You know a person is crazy when they stalk you via CTA (Chicago Transit Authority aka The Bus). Yes this fool trekked me and my girl down via the janky ass bus. He would get on the bus two stops (roughly two blocks) before me and kept a nice distance from me. Being the self-absorbed teenager that I was...Paying attention to my surrounding was not my best trait hence his ability to efficiently stalk me. His justification: "I was lying about kicking it with just my girl and wanted to see what the hell I was on when he was not around". Yeah...Real High school but he was a pretty crazy (and insecure) guy. After that, he had a sista cutting the corner of her eye, always on the lookout, expecting him to hop out the alley or something. I became one with my surrounding immediately after that incident.
The break-up came because of two reason (besides his obvious mental issues). Crazy tried to knock me up and Crazy also broke into my house and was waiting for me in my room, gangsta style, when I came home. Scared the living hell outta me. He was lucky my mama wasn't at home because he would got shot. His justification: "He had a dream about me last night and was worried and since I was not answering my phone at 8 a.m. (being that I was in school), he skipped school to come by my house and then when I didn't come to the door (because I was in school), he jimmied my bootleg window lock (hey it's the hood...You get what you pay a fiend to install it for) so he can "rescue me" from the dangers of my house. That goes to show you the neighborhood I lived in...A person could break in your home in broad daylight and no one would blink an eye...But will come in and help themselves to your T.V. and DVD player. And he had the nerve to get mad at me because I was not at home and decided to wait for me to curse me out! Umm yeah...It was called school! Crazy fool did not turn on one light, t.v., didn't even fix him anything to eat. Just sat in the dark waiting for me to waltz through the door. Yeah...Like I said...NUTS! Then during the course of that argument, he revealed something else: he had been poking holes in the condoms for months and was upset because I was not getting pregnant. Ummm yeah...I thought only desperate women did that too. Apparently I was wrong. The world stopped for a split second...AND then I saw RED! I went the fuck off! He wanted me to "have his seed", so to speak, so we can be together forever. After informing him that I would never had a child by him and I rather take a trip to the clinic than place another person with his genetic material on this earth, I threw his ass out...And got the same fiend to put a better lock on my window. Yeah he stalked me for a while (Always at a distance...Damn shame when your own friends, who are just as crazy as you, have to escort you home from school) and he started talking that "Fatal Attraction" shit (I'll be damn if Funky Chunk (my cat) ended up boiling in my mama's chitlin pot) for a while but eventually he left me alone.
So I went away for school...He went to the Marines (Where even crazier men lurk). No contact, nothing. Like any normal person, I figured like, damn, ok it's been 5 YEARS...He must have moved on right? WRONG! Fool got my number through an associate of mine. You see why I only have a few friends...Fucking associates will sell your soul for a doughnut. You're always suppose to get permission from a person before you start handing out their number like candy (Ok...Giving your friend's name/number to an unattractive person who's trying to holla doesn't count *lol*)...That is, like, a rule. So when he called, I picked up assuming it was someone else. Now usually I don't pick up a call if it doesn't have a caller-id tag but I saw the Chicago area code and assumed it was someone I knew calling from another phone on the other end. IT WAS HIS ASS! Conversation started off normal enough. He told me he was over in Germany for about 8 months and just got back to the United States (after probably torturing folks) and he might get deployed to Iraq (where he can torture more folks) and he was just calling to see how I was doing. Knowing his tendencies to blow up and go crazy, I fed his ass with a long handled spoon. Making very small talk, I told him I moved out the state with my boyfriend of four years and we live in DC now and ARE VERY VERY VERY HAPPY!
And wouldn't you know it, he went nuts! Start yelling and cursing me out so he promptly got the dial tone. After the 15th time of ignoring his calls he left a voice mail.
You have one new voice message...To listen to your messages..Press One...
(screaming)"Oh so your BITCH ASS aint gone pick up the phone huh? It's cool cuz' I got your fucking address anyway! Don't make me make a trip to fucking DC! Yeah muthafucker I Google Earth that ass.. (Proceeds to read my address) Yeah muthafucking Netta gave me your address...(switch from screaming to speaking calmly as hell) Oh yeah Netta said she was going to mail you her baby's new pictures next week and she said 'what's up'. (back to screaming) AND I see you got a pool too huh? I wonder, when I throw you and that wack ass nigga from the balcony, can you survive a fall like that? I hope your bitch ass can hold your breath! (back to speaking calmly) Call me back when you get this"
*click*
I don't scare easily...But a bitch flew to my door and start putting on the dead bolts, shutting blinds, going through alternative escape plans in my head, writing my last will and testament...THE WORKS! Had me sweating and pacing around the house. I damn near picked up chain smoking! The bastard is crazy I tell you. Damn was my pussy platinum or something? Do it just make men lose their mind? You figure you break up with someone FIVE YEARS AGO they would have moved on. Got a new girl (or man...You never know...), have gotten married...Something other than stalking your ex. Now I gotta change my number (again). *sigh* And I just really started to like this number. I even got the nervous giggles and got that "crazy laugh" until I realized something...That fool is in the military. Don't they teach you to stalk your prey or something like that? How to kill a man 10 different ways? How to do sniper-on-the-roof type killings?
I shoulda left his ass when he first started showing his true colors but noooo Tenacious had to be well Tenacious. Word of advice people: If your significant other shows faint traces of craziness: RUN! I laughed off his little rants and I made excuses for his random slips into insanity but little did I know...A crazy boy developed into an insane man.
Thanks Google Earth. You are really a blessing (and a curse).
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